The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Nerwen]

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

6. The desire for an unrequited love, a love who has already sailed into the West, or in any case a love who is far off, is central to your character's melancholia.

7. A weapon of unlimited and arcane power is naturally a requirement.

8. Your character must have abilities that are not necessarily canonical to Tolkien (ie., telepathy over hundreds of miles, magic in a non-magic race, beserker power to slay hundreds of orcs at one sitting, etc.).

9. Your character should either speak in a heightened, almost-Shakepearean manner, or else talk in modern slang.

10. Without our aid, the ring-bearer will ultimately fail.

[Nerwen]

11. As a corollary to Rule 9, you should avoid the correct use of archaic pronouns. Accompanying verbs should also be wrong (and, occasionally, German*). Your character may shift speaking styles as often as you like– preferably in mid-sentence.

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**




*Truly, I've seen this.

**I've seen all of these, too.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**

.

I like this idea - is there a fixed convention here - German for Rohirric? Latin for Quenya, French for Sindarin Langue d'Oc for Adunaic? Or as our whimsy takes us?

Of course characters should engineer otherwise entirely reduntant scenes for the chance to say "Elen sila lumenn omentielvo" or "Ai na vedui ..."

[Nerwen]

Of course. And no, there's no fixed convention. In fact, if possible, everyone should do something different.

However–

21. Phrases in Middle-earth languages (real or fake) should be accompanied by a translation in brackets. This translation must be wrong.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Codicil to 21: the inaccurate translation in brackets must accompany EVERY use of the word, and should include Sin., Q., or the apparently scholarly abbreviation for whatever language it's supposed to be.

I have seen this so many times, I've occasionally been tempted to chuck my laptop across the room in sheer... I don't know what, frustration or craziness come closest. But no bad fanfic is worth that.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Morthoron, Mithalwen, I quite agree that you should have the freedom of setting up your own original story rather than having to fit into an existing one. My idea was more wishful thinking than anything else, my Elvish nostalgia for the glories of days gone by...

As to the location, you'd best write a PM to piosenniel, who can advise you on all matters RPG.


edit: It's so much fun to read all of your highly amusing ideas - are non-participants allowed to contribute? If so, I would like to add a couple of codicils:

to #6: This fact does not stop your character from romantic involvement with every other appropriate or inappropriate character that comes her/his way.

to #7: The weapon must have a name, preferably one that shows its noble lineage and notable history.

to Mithalwen's idea about pets: In addition to other accompanying animals, each character must have an equine companion with special gifts - a unicorn, or at the very least, a speaking horse, if not an even more exotic beast - to ride.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

Ideally both parents and all relatives other than some connection to a status giving person or someone missing presumed enthralled (in a bad way).

We mustn't forget the uber talented pet in all this... whether wonderdog or extremely obliging and communicative hawk.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

13. (the Evil Number ) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.

My, this could get truly warped.

[Morthoron]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

18. Your character should be directly related to one of Tolkien's characters (Aragorn's disinherited half-brother, Elrond's love child, Legolas' lesbian sister, etc.). Anonymity, bourgeois or pedestrian relations are not de rigeur in Mary-Sue fan-fic.

19. In conjunction with #17, Tolkien's characters must play integral parts in the story, and are beholden to your character in one way or another ("If it weren't for my timely aid, Gandalf would not have driven the Nazgul from Weathertop!").

20. Use Harlequin Romance novels as research tools rather than Tolkien's works (they are more canonical in Mary-Sue fiction).

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

Also: "She-elf".

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


(Your-Name)'s character

NAME:

AGE (chronological):

AGE (mental):

RACE(S):

GENDER:

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS:

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM:

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

SPECIAL PET(S):

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S):

IS IN LOVE WITH:

IS LOVED BY:

APPEARANCE: (No grey-eyed, dark-haired Elves. No Hobbits with curly brown hair and furry feet. Please pick an appearance which will show that your character is really special.)

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!):

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST:

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR:

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER:

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

Addendum to 14.: If this is not the case, then your melancholia results from the fact that Daddy sent you to wipe out the Fellowship (which he knows all about, for reasons which will never be explained) ...and you've fallen in love with Aragorn.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

My, this could get truly warped.

Or even melatonin if you are sleep deprived.

I do hope so

[Nerwen]

And how could I forget...

22. Should all go as planned between you and the object of your lust– er, I mean admiration– remember that Gandalf moonlights as a marriage celebrant.