The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Estelyn Telcontar

Morthoron and cohorts, it's a shame the Entish Bow/Merisu parody has stalled - sounds like you'd all be great contributors! I was going to keep writing it all alone, if necessary, but alas, other priorities have kept me from imaginative writing at this time. Still, I wonder if there would be some way to incorporate your ideas in the stranded adventures of the Guy/Galship...

*The Dark Elf bows*

I've read the Entish Bow, and feel it would be impertinent to take up where others have left off in this case. It is, after all, not our story, and I feel it would stifle the creative process to maintain a stilted adherence to someone else's plot-line. However, if you'd like, you are more than welcome to join in the formulation of the present tale, and add your character from the previous story; thus, one of the old guard joins with the new.

Estelyn, one question: where is the best place to put this story? I believe that all those who have agreed to collaborate are veteran rp'ers (whether on these forums or elsewhere), so which segment of the forums (or fora) would this best fit?

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

If you don't think I would be handicapped by never having slogged through much of Joyce other than Portrait of the Artist as a Pretentious Git then Fingolfin's Wake gets my vote. I have an "Easter rebellion" surname and a tendency to stream of consciousness (some call it rambling) I'll save Brideshead for another thread. I can't help thinking the Bloom link is a sign....

Actually, I was only joking about making a parody of Middle-earth that mimics Joyce (I would liken it to eating ice cream too fast and getting a brain freeze). But what would be humorous is to synthesize several different author's styles within the framework of the story. It often seems that seriously banal roleplay (and I mean serious regarding someone who is actually trying to be literate) has an another author's influence directly imposed on the fan-fic. In that regard, we are intending to write dreadful prose, or rather, what seems at a glance to be dreadful, but is deviously plotted to be, in actuality, something altogether different from its intended purpose. Satire (like fantasy) is only great when there is a suspension of disbelief, and the reader is lulled into enjoying the story for its own sake (which is why most bald farces fail).

[Mithalwen]

Eeek... I think I am going to have to rely on an innate ability to write dreadful prose.... and I would prefer a completely new start for many of the reasons Morthoron stated plus the not having read the original one.

[Nerwen]

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

6. The desire for an unrequited love, a love who has already sailed into the West, or in any case a love who is far off, is central to your character's melancholia.

7. A weapon of unlimited and arcane power is naturally a requirement.

8. Your character must have abilities that are not necessarily canonical to Tolkien (ie., telepathy over hundreds of miles, magic in a non-magic race, beserker power to slay hundreds of orcs at one sitting, etc.).

9. Your character should either speak in a heightened, almost-Shakepearean manner, or else talk in modern slang.

10. Without our aid, the ring-bearer will ultimately fail.

[Nerwen]

11. As a corollary to Rule 9, you should avoid the correct use of archaic pronouns. Accompanying verbs should also be wrong (and, occasionally, German*). Your character may shift speaking styles as often as you like– preferably in mid-sentence.

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**




*Truly, I've seen this.

**I've seen all of these, too.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**

.

I like this idea - is there a fixed convention here - German for Rohirric? Latin for Quenya, French for Sindarin Langue d'Oc for Adunaic? Or as our whimsy takes us?

Of course characters should engineer otherwise entirely reduntant scenes for the chance to say "Elen sila lumenn omentielvo" or "Ai na vedui ..."

[Nerwen]

Of course. And no, there's no fixed convention. In fact, if possible, everyone should do something different.

However–

21. Phrases in Middle-earth languages (real or fake) should be accompanied by a translation in brackets. This translation must be wrong.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

Ideally both parents and all relatives other than some connection to a status giving person or someone missing presumed enthralled (in a bad way).

We mustn't forget the uber talented pet in all this... whether wonderdog or extremely obliging and communicative hawk.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

13. (the Evil Number ) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.

My, this could get truly warped.

[Morthoron]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

18. Your character should be directly related to one of Tolkien's characters (Aragorn's disinherited half-brother, Elrond's love child, Legolas' lesbian sister, etc.). Anonymity, bourgeois or pedestrian relations are not de rigeur in Mary-Sue fan-fic.

19. In conjunction with #17, Tolkien's characters must play integral parts in the story, and are beholden to your character in one way or another ("If it weren't for my timely aid, Gandalf would not have driven the Nazgul from Weathertop!").

20. Use Harlequin Romance novels as research tools rather than Tolkien's works (they are more canonical in Mary-Sue fiction).

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

Addendum to 14.: If this is not the case, then your melancholia results from the fact that Daddy sent you to wipe out the Fellowship (which he knows all about, for reasons which will never be explained) ...and you've fallen in love with Aragorn.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

My, this could get truly warped.

Or even melatonin if you are sleep deprived.

I do hope so