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#1 |
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 63
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Itaril and the Thirteen Dwarves
Trying to remain focused on the subject of this thread -- namely, the horrifying possibility of a teenage elf-babe ninja assassin love interest in The Hobbit -- I recommend that all references to Dwarves henceforth relate in some way to the nubile female character in question. For example, one could address this topic from the point of view Snow White, a fairy tale metaphor exploited to fine comic effect in the movie Shrek, wherein the magic mirror on the wall intones:
"Just because she lives with seven other men doesn't make her easy." Pursuing this polyandry paradigm, if Gimli the Dwarf could fall irretrievably in love with Lady Galadriel, and if seven Dwarves could cohabit with the comatose Snow White -- which suggests necrophilia as an additional operative psychology -- then why couldn't thirteen Dwarves -- including Gimli's father -- do the same in regard to a thousand-year-old elf teenager with an insatiable appetite for stocky bearded miners about to become billionaires once they figure out how to regain their lost treasure from a giant worm with really bad breath? I mean, thirteen simultaneous palimony lawsuits ought to net the amoral calculating elf-chick enough riches to buy Lord Thranduil and make him her security guard. The mind boggles at the possibilities. Like: "Itaril and the Thirteen Dwarves" They say that she's not easy. They say that she is hard. They say she likes to grapple And wrestle in the yard. They say she grew up fighting, Unlike the other girls. About her every movement, They say that mayhem swirls. A tomboy in the tree house, She hangs out with the guys Who mostly fight for money And everything it buys. She hasn't any scruples, Or so we hear it said. She'll do it for a dollar If that gets her ahead. Her services she'll contract To elves or dwarves or men. For her, there's no distinction. Not whom. Not where. Not when. She lusted after Filli. She had the hots for Gloin. The merest thought of Bombur Caused dampness in the groin. And so she'll fit quite nicely Into the scripted part: Both innocent and deadly; The ersatz maiden tart.
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"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." -- Tweedledee |
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#2 |
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 63
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Primitive Word Magic
Oh, for crying out loud! Peter Jackson and Company just had to do it! I mean, just when I thought we had driven a wooden stake through undead heart of this ludicrous elf-chick-in-The-Hobbit idea, that awful, queasy feeling in the pit of the stomach returns:
"... the biggest news is LOST star Evangeline Lilly will be Tauriel. PJ describes Tauriel as a Woodland Elf, ‘Her name means ‘daughter of Mirkwood’ and, beyond that, we must leave you guessing! (No, there is no romantic connection to Legolas.)‘ "Just for starters, the calendar entry in Appendix B of The Lord of the Rings for the year 1050 states: "About this time a shadow falls on Greenwood, and men begin to call it Mirkwood"So I must inquire why any elf of Greenwood Forest would have a name derived from what men only began to call the same forest after it became infected by the "evil power" that had "made a stronghold at Dol Guldur." I mean, wouldn't a real (and really old) elf have a name like "Daughter of Greenwood" and not something that -- etymologically -- sounds more like "Daughter of the Necromancer" or "Daughter of Sauron"? Wouldn't all of the other elves just call her "Mirky" for short, because of the shadow that seems to follow her everywhere she goes? Come to think of it, if this newly-relabeled Itaril (I mean "Tauriel") has a name derived from what men called the forest after it became evil, then wouldn't that make the newly-relabeled elf-chick less than 1050 years old (assuming that elves get their names at birth) and a mere child among that immortal race? Just think about this for a minute -- and it shouldn't take much longer than that -- and you can see the sloppy thinking and disregard for Tolkien's created world that went into this bogus "name." Furthermore, putting purely linguistic considerations aside (which Professor Tolkien would never have done), the forcible injecting of an unnecessary elf-chick into an adolescent English schoolboy story like The Hobbit sounds as heretical as letting Vicky Vale into the Bat Cave or Lois Lane into the Fortress of Solitude. Some things you just don't do without undermining the entire foundation of the genre. The whole idea sounds stupid, and the stupid new name for "stupid" -- i.e., "idiotic" -- sounds just as dumb. A pseudonym by any other misnomer would stlll stink as badly.
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"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." -- Tweedledee Last edited by TheMisfortuneTeller; 06-19-2011 at 07:38 PM. |
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#3 | ||
Gruesome Spectre
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Heaven's doorstep
Posts: 8,039
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Music alone proves the existence of God. |
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#4 |
Ghost Prince of Cardolan
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,036
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Tauriel would mean 'forest-daughter', not really green or mirk.
Not to defend such a possible addition... |
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#5 | |
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 63
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Of Peudonyms for Misnomers
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Of Pseudonyms for Misnomers
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"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." -- Tweedledee |
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#6 |
Gruesome Spectre
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Heaven's doorstep
Posts: 8,039
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Pfft. They might as well just call her Arwen. The motives for greatly exaggerating her part in LOTR and making up a female elf character for The Hobbit would appear to be the same.
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Music alone proves the existence of God. |
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#7 | ||
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 63
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Time for a Bladder Break
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If nothing else, though, I now know when to get up and take a bladder break during the films.
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"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." -- Tweedledee |
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#8 |
Blossom of Dwimordene
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
Posts: 10,512
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I don't care what they call her: she remains the same nauseatingly-obnoxious detestable story-ruining -...you-name-it...- extra useless character that has no business in the real TH.
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera |
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#9 |
Ghost Prince of Cardolan
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I think PJ is prejudiced against elves, and wants to make everyone else hate them too.
![]() ![]() Also, I'm more scared now then I was when I thought Itaril/Tauriel was Legolas's love interest...if she isn't his love interest, then she's likely someone else's. Which quite frankly scares me. If she ends up being Thranduil/Bilbo/Bard's love interest, I'm taking a knife to the screen. Same if she ends up being the one to slay Smaug/sneak the dwarves out of the dungeons/rescue them from the goblins.
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Busy, Busy, Busy...hoping for more free time soon. |
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#10 |
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 63
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Popeye's Existential Conundrum
It seems clear to me that this re-branded demographic loss-leader of a "character" suffers from Popeye's Existential Conundrum:
"If I'm not me, who am I? And if I'm somebody else, then why do I look like me?"Recruiting this actress from the cast of the TV-movie "Lost" does seem rather appropriate, though, if one has a taste for unintended irony.
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"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." -- Tweedledee |
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#11 | |
Pilgrim Soul
Join Date: May 2004
Location: watching the wonga-wonga birds circle...
Posts: 9,461
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When I heard the new name I thought of the geometrical shape a toros (like a ring doughnut) . Is maybe not inappropriate - a shape without proper substance and a heart and torus being Latin for cushion - I mean this is part of the padding needed to turn a short book into two long films. KERching!!!
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“But Finrod walks with Finarfin his father beneath the trees in Eldamar.”
Christopher Tolkien, Requiescat in pace |
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