Chapter 1: Of the Beginning of Time

[ArcusCalion]

I have prepared some comments, and this post actually turned out far shorter than I expected. I think this draft was actually a great improvement over the first one, and I am extremely excited about it.

Bot-03: Where it says "fields of Aman" it should be "Arda."

BoT-04: after "so would Melkor undo or corrupt it." I would add in Fin's BoT-05:

.... Valar began a labour so would Melkor undo it or corrupt it. BoT-05 <AAm And Melkor wrought great ruin with fire and deadly cold and marred all that the other Valar made.> And yet their labour was not all in vain; ...

This is a nice detail that I miss.

BoT-06b: I miss the longer LQ description of Tulkas' coming. It conveys his personality and description so much more fully and charismatically:

But in the midst of the war a spirit of great strength and hardihood came to the aid of the Valar, hearing in the distant heaven that there was battle in the Little Kingdom. And he came like a storm of laughter and loud song, and Earth shook under his great golden feet. So came Tulkas, the Strong and the Merry, whose anger passeth like a mighty wind, scattering cloud and darkness before it.

Maybe we could use a combination of the two? I greatly prefer the longer LQ version over the briefer AAm version, so if we must pick one I say we use that one.

BoT-08: This seems redundant, and adds no information, simply repeating things already said in the last paragraph.

BoT-08.6: what about

BoT-08.5 <MT; 2; Outline It was in the wielding of flame that Tulkas {(? originally Vala of the Sun) }defeated {him}Melkor in the First Battle.>

Is this considered too minor to mention?

BoT-13b: i somewhat miss the turns of phrase in Fin's version, but there is no real reason not to use yours

BoT-15.1: in the AAm insert, as I said to Fin, Vana cannot robe Nessa in flowers, as it has been said that flowers have not come forth yet on earth, so we decided to change it to "signs of spring".

BoT-21: what is the source of your replacement for the "And" in the second sentence?