The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

But.... (it feels weird to be saying this) ....that almost sounds like too good a plot for a truly awful Sue. Where are the cute guys for the Sue to adore (or for the Stu to become bestest buddies with)? Okay, there's Thranduil, who is okay because he's Leggy's dad, but a bunch of dwarves and elves and wizards and men that nobody's ever heard of (well, they didn't make it into the movies, so they didn't really exist, did they???)... Oh, the horror, not enough of the Right People for the Sues to ogle or impress with their miraculous and splendiferous skills and beauty...!

(time to go scrape residual crud off the roof of my brain... )

You know, I had thought about that. Having personally written extensive fan-fic taking place in the far east of Middle-earth (and not a Mary-Sue character anywhere, mind you!), I considered the possibility that this plot might be too...ummm....credible. However, I had to weigh the readability factor of the piece, as well as take into consideration we the writers.

My concern is that if it is too idiotic, then it will quickly loose any cohesion and will not maintain any readership; likewise, if the writing isn't clever, how soon shall the contributors grow bored of the exercise? A farce or satire is only as good as its premise. If the story we write has an internal logic and a credible storyline, the abuses to canon and the distraught nature of the romances will be apparent but acceptable because a suspension of disbelief has hopefully occurred.

Anyone can mock bad Tolkien fan-fic (this thread is a testament to that), but most bad fan-fic is not readable after the first page. As soon as the first violet-eyed, silver-haired Elfess comes prancing out mourining the loss of her lover Legolas, the literate readers roll their eyes, laugh for a moment, copy pertinently abysmal passages, then post them elsewhere on threads like these for other posters to heap their derision on. I know, I've done it before.

Traveling eastward opens up some new dimensions of banality:

1. Falling in love with a Beorning and bearing his cub (great for the skinchanger crowd)

2. The tragic King Brand, who is to fall before Erebor. Who knew he had the sodomitical proclivities of Edward II?

3. Legolas' other brother Orophelas (or sister Thrandulasse?) is forbidden to leave Mirkwood (because, of course, one prince is all that can leave at a time). He/she might consider disobeying her/his tyrannical father (a la Luthien/Thingol) to go with her/his lover into great danger.

4. The Blue wizards are much more...ummm...passionate in an earthy sense than Saruman or Gandalf. Who knows? We can have a part 2 based on the son or daughter of the Blue Wizard trying to dominate the world after Sauron's fall.

5. Jesus Christ lives in Dorwinion (or perhaps its John the Baptist).

6. The Arkenstone is really a Silmaril (I got that from this forum), and with the combined force of the Silmaril and the Ring, one of the anti-Fellowship's power becomes too great and he/she betrays us and must be destroyed.

7. One of the characters in the anti-Fellowship is actually a Black Numenorean mole, and the son of the Mouth of Sauron, who has been sent to infiltrate and destroy the anti-Fellowship (stupidly mistaking us for the actual Fellowship).

*shrugs*

I don't know. Thoughts?

[Mithalwen]

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

Actually, I was joking; but I have seen Tolkien fan-fic so overtly religious that there were indeed churches and sacerdotal paraphernalia so profuse, one would think they were at the Vatican.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

One could probably leave him in as a rumored figure. That rather reminds me of some of the old sandal epics in which Jesus was never seen, but there were plenty of rumors.

Morthoron, I suspect I've seen some of your work -- very few fan writers even know of the existence of the Blue Wizards, and if they do, there is often little connection between them and any kind of Tolkienian reality. I agree that farce or parody is the only route to go, since I have a feeling that those discussing this project are either writers or readers of fanfic whose computers would slag if they attempted to write a "real" MS.

The idea of Legolas' siblings is so common in Suedom, it certainly deserves a nod -- as do siblings of Aragorn, descendants of the hobbits who went off on adventures and never returned, relatives of Gimli, the rejected or runaway daughter of Denethor... you get the idea. I can't imagine a "serious" Sue writer wanting to "abandon" their beloved characters -- since it's the love of a particular character (usually because of the actor who portrayed him) that gets a lot of their juices going (at least from what I've seen). But to go to the aid and rescue of their kith and kin (who can be imagined and portrayed in all manner of wonderfully gorgeous ways...!)... That I can see, since so many Sues are long-lost friends and relatives, anyway.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Actually, I was joking; but I have seen Tolkien fan-fic so overtly religious that there were indeed churches and sacerdotal paraphernalia so profuse, one would think they were at the Vatican.

I thought you probably were but while I would hope not to regard myself as being particularly timorous I don't want to go there remotely. From experience can, open, worms everywhere so at the risk of seeming it have a sense of humour bypass I'll leave that rock right there and move some of the others..

[Morthoron]

Alright, enough of this maundering blather; it's time to commit our blathering to paper (in a cyber sense) and maunder indelicately through the fair fields of Eriador (or the mirk and mire of Rhovanion).

I've decided it's best to put our story (and its requisite commentary thread) in the mirth section, where our flippancy will be better accorded (after all, there's a perennial werewolf thread there already).

Any additions or comments 'ere we begin our hazardous trek?

[Lalaith]

Sorry I've been out of the loop on this.
I am loving the 'Go East' theme.
My own Sharpairien, and her camp chum Daemian, will be ready to roll characterwise soon. Of course, there will be half-sibling rivalry (we already have some other daughters of Elrond, don't we?). And campness.

I think we MUST have the Arken-Sil in there somewhere. Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...
Oh and what about a lost tribe of Moriquendi, just boys, who haven't seen an elven-lass in, oh, Ages?

[Lalwendë]

I've just found this thread.

The first page was like browsing the Fantasy section in Waterstones. What does that signify?!

Mithalwen, please, please, please provide us with a pwinceth.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Lalaith

I think we MUST have the Arken-Sil in there somewhere. Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...
Oh and what about a lost tribe of Moriquendi, just boys, who haven't seen an elven-lass in, oh, Ages?

How about a working title, pompously rendered, such as:

The Ancillarion: Of the Silmarkenstone Conspiracy and the Incidental Fellowship -- Their Trials, Tribulations, Loves Lost and Found, and Their Salvation of Middle-earth (as utterly unlikely as that may seem)

P.S. I believe the story should start at the Painted Pony (because don't all fan-fics start in Bree?).