Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Thenamir]

Ai! Oh, well...back to the creative drawing board...

This thread is dead.

No it isn't, it's just restin'.

I tell you this is an ex-thread.

No, no ,no, it's just pinin', pinin' away for the fjords...

[Bêthberry]

Of course it's Dead. This is the Downs.

But the fact that the Life of Brian had already been done did not stop the Pythons, did it?

And should the fact that some others have attempted this idea stop us?

Of course not. Because they weren't Downers and didn't do it "our" way. *cue Frank Sinatra*

After all,

Frodo: “Strange women lying in ponds distributing lilies is no basis for a system of government!”

Tom: “Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!”

Merry: "And now for something completey different."

Sam: "Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Sam the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.”

Elrond: " “First you must find... another shrubbery! (dramatic chord). No, wait! I mean, another firery crack. Then, when you have found the shrubbery, I mean, firery crack, you must place it here, beside this cracked shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must throw it into the path of the crack... with... Herr's Ring!”

Gollem: “I'm not the Ring-bearer - I'm a very naughty boy.”

The Conceited Narrator: “This morning, shortly after 11 o’clock, comedy struck this little barrow in the Downs . Sudden, violent comedy.”

[Macalaure]

Why did I do this? I never wanted to be a thread-killer, I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Everybody follow Bêthberry's advice. When I saw the thread, I just had to post those links.

[Morthoron]

Not wishing to demean the online productions of Monty Python's Hobbit, LotR, et al, but it seems to me they are only aping Python movie sequences and placing them wholesale into Tolkien's plot. Not a very creative exercise. Rather than real meat, we are left with Spam. Spam, Spam and more Spam.

I still like Thenamir's idea and would be glad to continue the concept.

A pythonesque scripting of the Hobbit does not require direct lifts from previous material...after all, it's only a model.

[Eönwë]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

A pythonesque scripting of the Hobbit does not require direct lifts from previous material...after all, it's only a model.

Does that mean that they don't have to go to the Lonely Mountain. It is a silly place.

[Thenamir]

Gandalf: Master Elrond, who do you think we should send with Frodo to accompany him on his quest?

Elrond: I'd like Sam, Legolas, Sam, Sam, Aragorn, Sam, Sam, Sam, Gimli, Sam, and Sam, please.

Gandalf: Don't you think that's too much Sam?

Elrond: Well, it's got less Sam than Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
<dwarves begin singing>
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
Wonderful Sam! Glorious Sam!

Gandalf (interrupting): Stop that! None of that! <muttering> Bloody dwarves...

[Morthoron]

Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff.

*Knock Knock*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it?

Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf.

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo?

Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf!

Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome.

Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day!

*Silence*

Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant!

Voice from behind the door: We don't want any!

Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins!

*Muttering and whispers from behind the door*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring.

Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant!

*More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag*

Gandalf: Good morning.

Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no!

Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'.

Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye!

Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him!

Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O!

*A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum*

Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea.

Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is!

Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones.

Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. *begins sobbing*

Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph.

Lobelia: You...you think so?

Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's.

Gandalf: Excuse me...

Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know.

Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him...

Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick.

Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal!

Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye!

*Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices.

Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds

[Morthoron]

The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin (In D minor...well...actually it's in C, but D minor is a more melancholy note and more appropriate for the basso and baritone voices of the Dwarves; unfortunately, marches of this sort require the diatonic scale and a major chord for the horns and such...)

Narrator: Ahem...

(Oh yes, sorry...without further ado, The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin, which I patterned off the works of John Phillip Sousa, who is American, I know, but who derived much of his material from English influences....)

Narrator: GET ON WITH IT!

(Yes, certainly...bugger)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

We are the dwarves -- of Thorin's band
Our greedy thoughts now often linger
On the gleam of our gold -- in a far-away land
That slipped right through our stubby fingers
But it weren't our fault -- no, not the least
With Smaug in our vaults -- such a fiery beast
We swallowed our pride and started to run
As he burnt all our kin to kingdom come (repeated by Balin the dwarf in baritone: burnt all our kin to kingdom come)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- off to Erebor
We are fierce and full of chutzpah
We are the dwarves -- we're three times four (Dumplin: plus me!)
And our names come from the Völuspá
We shall not cease --nor raise a flagon
'Till we’re either deceased -- or kill the dragon
Then count up the swag when the job is done
And get so sloshed that our beards go numb (repeated by Bombur the dwarf in basso: get so sloshed that our beards go numb)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- all revenge and desire
We may be short but we're not lagging
We are the dwarves -- and we're in the Shire
To find a burglar the name of Baggins
And by Gandalf's request -- we'll take him for hire
To join in our quest -- If the blighter desires
He’ll get his share when the deed is done
Under contract for a percentage sum (repeated by Dumplin the dwarf in falsetto: dear little Bilbo with the nice tight bum)

*Brief pause to regroup*

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage sum...

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage s-u-u-u-u-u-m-m-m-m!

Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)

[Hstaphath]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Hmmm...it seems I've stirred up the spirit of a previous Monty Python production (the Ghost of Hobbitses' Past, I guess you could say). I am glad to have...ummm...maintained your interest.

I am but the shade of the Bard that Was... destined to wander along the haunted paths of Tolkien and Python... to linger wherever those roads should chance to cross.

You've started off wonderfully and I am anxious to see how you get along with this. It is the Pythonesque sort of retelling that, though I enjoy it very much myself, I only dabbled in while writing my parodies. Only a handful of the scenes I wrote were truly Pythonesque rather than Montyfactual, as you rightly put it.

Speaking of Pythonesque and Tolkien, this is rather good:
http://fan.theonering.net/writing/st...l_monty15.html

Originally Posted by Macalaure

Everybody follow Bêthberry's advice. When I saw the thread, I just had to post those links.

I, as well, agree with Bêthberry! Otherwise, everyone would be named "Bruce" before you could grab your egg and fours.

By the way, thanks for the "shout-out" Macalaure.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Hstaphath

I am but the shade of the Bard that Was...

Hmmm...a rather melancholy minstrel in the gallery, or perhaps a marred bard? Well, you know what they say...some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad; other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best...ummm...sorry, drifting again.

Originally Posted by Hstaphath

You've started off wonderfully and I am anxious to see how you get along with this. It is the Pythonesque sort of retelling that, though I enjoy it very much myself, I only dabbled in while writing my parodies. Only a handful of the scenes I wrote were truly Pythonesque rather than Montyfactual, as you rightly put it.

I am waiting to see if anyone else is going to join in.

*The Dark Elf holds up a large placard with the embossed words 'SUBTLE HINT'*

[Bêthberry]

Frodo, aka Silly Walker: I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Gondor grant to develop it.

Boromir: Now wait a minute. One does not simply silly walk into Gondor.

Frodo: Well, you're obviously the cruel heartless bastard.

Elrond: Behold Frodo's Bane!

Boromir: Now wait a minute. I was not sent to spend any money, simply to seek the meaning of a riddle.

Sam: *off side* I"m the sweet, slightly ineffective lower middle class one.

Frodo: Four hundred years ago Isildur died for want of a silly walk. Now I'm suggesting we make an advance.

Aragorn: An advance? One does not simply make silly advances to lovely ladies.

Gimli: You learnt that when she turned you into a newt?

Aragorn: Oyi, but I got better.

Frodo: It's my duty as the Silly Walker to sample as much peril as I can.

Gandalf: Okay, but it'll only be a flesh wound.

exit stage left, followed by a little bit of peril

[Eönwë]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

exit stage left, followed by a little bit of peril

Frodo (appearing suddenly): Hey, I want a bit of peril!

Elrond: who was hiding behind a chair the whole time: No, its lucky I saved you!

Frodo: Well, you have a ring of your own!

Elrond: No I don't.. well... I do, but you're not supposed to know that.

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Eönwë

Frodo (appearing suddenly): Hey, I want a bit of peril!

Elrond: who was hiding behind a chair the whole time: No, its lucky I saved you!

Frodo: Well, you have a ring of your own!

Elrond: No I don't.. well... I do, but you're not supposed to know that.

Frodo: Ohh, let me see yours. Is it as nice as mine?

Elrond: No, you can't have it. It's not healthy.

Frodo: You're gay, aren't you?

Elrond. No, that was Priscilla.