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The Elf-warrior · 07-30-2007, 06:07 PM

By Michel Delving
A bin full of guns was captured by the dauntless heroes of the Barrow-Downs Police Force yesterday. While Eomer of the Rohirrim was filming an inane video for his Facebook page, he noticed a bin creeping in the bushes. He crept over to take a closer look and guess what he saw? It was a bin full of guns leaving a trail of blood behind it. As a trained police professional, he ran home crying for his mommy, who called the Police for reinforcements. The only person available was a drug Sting officer. He lured the terrifying Bin to a trap by singing a famous stalker anthem. The Sting officer hauled the bin to jail, where he awaits trial. "This is a great step forward in the war against terrifying bins, now that we know that bins really are the menace they've been claimed to be, now get out of my face you $@$#$ pests!" DCI Lalwende commented. The bin's family was not available for comment.

the phantom · 08-01-2007, 10:09 AM

YOUNG TURIN SLAYS GARDEN SLUG

Hurin’s heir, Turin, is off to a magnificent start on his road to manhood according to friends and family. “The boy’s only three years old, and he already has a great killer instinct,” boasted Morwen, Turin’s mother. “The way he handled that slug- I really think it’s a sign of greater things to come.”

Woodcutter Sador agreed. “He didn’t show any fear at all. Most of the kids around here think big slugs are gross and don’t want to get anywhere near them, but Turin is never afraid to stand his ground and look an enemy in the eye.”

King Fingon, who happened to be in the neighborhood for a conference, said that Turin has all the makings of a great general. “Oh, yes, his father told me all about the slug incident. I can’t tell you how impressed I was by the planning that Turin put into the deed. It was sheer genius, what he did with that board.”

According to witnesses of the event, which took place last Saturday, Turin used a small carving knife to cut a trench across a board, and then set the board in the slug’s path. The slug crawled onto the board, and when it reached Turin’s cut, it attempted to stretch across to the other side, exposing its vulnerable belly. And that’s when Turin struck.

“Fantastic strategy!” gushed Hurin. “He got the slug to stretch out over the notch, then he slid his knife down into the notch and slashed up at the slug’s underside. The slug never had a chance.”

“It’s incredible that he already has an understanding of combat strategy,” observed Huor, Turin’s uncle. “Surprising a foe from an unexpected angle and using the landscape to exploit an enemy’s weakness are tactics that can be used throughout life against all sorts of opponents.”

But young Turin is not without critics. Melkor and members of his Angband staff have long held that the House of Hador is "totally weak", and say that Turin’s latest achievement changes nothing. Glaurung, Melkor’s head dragon, was particularly critical during a press conference yesterday. “Frankly, I’m amazed it worked. He was lucky the slug crawled onto the board in the first place, and even luckier that it didn’t just go around the trench. That’s certainly what I would’ve done.”

Melkor seconded Glaurung’s words, calling Turin’s strategy “ridiculous” and "infantile", and insisted that such an approach was useless on a larger scale. “Even if it is a good slug-killing maneuver, what does that matter? It’s not as if he could kill a dragon like that.”

When informed of Melkor's words, young Turin fired back, calling Melkor a "big meanie" and "poo-poo head". When asked about Glaurung, the three-year old boldly declared he would, upon reaching manhood, "stab him in the eyeball". Turin's family applauded the boy's words- all except his Aunt Aerin. "I don't like all this warlike talk," Aerin told reporters this morning. "He's only three! Yet he's already killing things, boasting, getting into verbal fights with dragons, and being called a warrior by his family. With a childhood like this, he can only expect to have a short, violent, and tragic life."

Whose words will prove true? We here at the Downer can't wait to find out.

Diamond18 · 08-01-2007, 05:11 PM

tp, that was hilarious. And disturbing. Get more sleep.

the phantom · 08-01-2007, 09:04 PM

So does that mean I'm disturbingly hilarious, or hilariously disturbed?

But sleep? Sorry, that's out of the question. Now- lying in bed trying to sleep... that I can do. I've been practicing for a week.

Glad you enjoyed the article though. I've got another one coming soon. It's very disturbing. And, I hope, somewhat entertaining.

Lalwendë · 08-02-2007, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

By Michel Delving
A bin full of guns was captured by the dauntless heroes of the Barrow-Downs Police Force yesterday. While Eomer of the Rohirrim was filming an inane video for his Facebook page, he noticed a bin creeping in the bushes. He crept over to take a closer look and guess what he saw? It was a bin full of guns leaving a trail of blood behind it. As a trained police professional, he ran home crying for his mommy, who called the Police for reinforcements. The only person available was a drug Sting officer. He lured the terrifying Bin to a trap by singing a famous stalker anthem. The Sting officer hauled the bin to jail, where he awaits trial. "This is a great step forward in the war against terrifying bins, now that we know that bins really are the menace they've been claimed to be, now get out of my face you $@$#$ pests!" DCI Lalwende commented. The bin's family was not available for comment.

You got me freaked out for a mo there - "Bin Laden with Guns..." I thought a certain elusive terrorist mastermind had been behind the 'forbidden' episode the other day for a minute!

Hookbill the Goomba · 08-06-2007, 03:27 AM

YES, The Downer has the exclusive on the crisis in the Dragon's Realm!

I think I should point out that there is officially a completely white room in The Phantom's house where he has most of his conversations with Alien.

Morai · 08-06-2007, 10:20 AM

I for one, think that's a fantastic use of that much money.

the guy who be short · 08-07-2007, 04:59 AM

I agree - for once, Alien's done something cool and helpful (in my view... who wouldn't want a walking house?)

Hookbill the Goomba · 08-07-2007, 05:24 AM

You're all forgetting that £5,000 is no where near enough money to build a walking house with Lazar guns and a mini bar. He probably payed for the rest of it with phantom's life savings.

Bêthberry · 08-09-2007, 03:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I think I should point out that there is officially a completely white room in The Phantom's house where he has most of his conversations with Alien.

I'm a bit confused, as I often am these days. Is there anything intrinsically different between a white room and a white house? And does it have black curtains? And should I be thinking of Eric Clapton or Someone Else? It's a war edition after all.

Hookbill the Goomba · 08-09-2007, 05:58 AM

The intrinsic difference would be that a white room is just one room where as a house is the whole house. I like to imagine that the white room has no windows, just one trap door in the ceiling and bright lights everywhere.

But once again, I think we're delving too deeply into silly details.

the guy who be short · 08-10-2007, 03:24 AM

Whatever the white-room situation, I'm glad that Downsland uses the British pound - none of this new-fangled 'dollar' nonsense.

Hookbill the Goomba · 08-10-2007, 03:50 AM

I did take some time to consider what currency to use. I even tried to invent a new one, but thought it would just complicate things. I think the currency I invented was called 'Globdules' or something. The Symbol was ♪
I think the exchange rate was along the lines of ♪1 = £40
You know what, I think I'll start using Globdules in more Downer articles

EDIT:

100 Groats (g)= ♪1

Lalwendë · 08-10-2007, 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the guy who be short

Whatever the white-room situation, I'm glad that Downsland uses the British pound - none of this new-fangled 'dollar' nonsense.

If it was Dollars or Euros then Alien would never have been able to afford a walking house with laser guns - he'd have been lucky to afford a second hand Robin Reliant

I like how the Downer is to all intents and purposes a free newspaper! It would certainly be a major improvement on Metro; how about suggesting this to our bus companies, Mr Hookbill?

Bêthberry · 08-10-2007, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

The intrinsic difference would be that a white room is just one room where as a house is the whole house. I like to imagine that the white room has no windows, just one trap door in the ceiling and bright lights everywhere.

Well, it still sounds like something expandable, made with some kind of material like Alice's mushroom. Serious Cat are Cheshire?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hookbill

100 Groats (g)= ♪1

I grok groats.

Hookbill the Goomba · 08-13-2007, 01:52 AM

Once again we delve into the weird and wondrous world of journalism and insanity.

This week, we meet the phantom's grandfather.

07-30-2007, 06:07 PM	#1
The Elf-warrior Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Virginia. Posts: 952	Bin Laden With Guns Captured on Downs! By Michel Delving A bin full of guns was captured by the dauntless heroes of the Barrow-Downs Police Force yesterday. While Eomer of the Rohirrim was filming an inane video for his Facebook page, he noticed a bin creeping in the bushes. He crept over to take a closer look and guess what he saw? It was a bin full of guns leaving a trail of blood behind it. As a trained police professional, he ran home crying for his mommy, who called the Police for reinforcements. The only person available was a drug Sting officer. He lured the terrifying Bin to a trap by singing a famous stalker anthem. The Sting officer hauled the bin to jail, where he awaits trial. "This is a great step forward in the war against terrifying bins, now that we know that bins really are the menace they've been claimed to be, now get out of my face you $@$#$ pests!" DCI Lalwende commented. The bin's family was not available for comment. __________________ Fenris Wolf: WW LXXX.

08-01-2007, 10:09 AM	#2
the phantom Beloved Shadow Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Stadium Posts: 5,971	hot off the press... YOUNG TURIN SLAYS GARDEN SLUG Hurin’s heir, Turin, is off to a magnificent start on his road to manhood according to friends and family. “The boy’s only three years old, and he already has a great killer instinct,” boasted Morwen, Turin’s mother. “The way he handled that slug- I really think it’s a sign of greater things to come.” Woodcutter Sador agreed. “He didn’t show any fear at all. Most of the kids around here think big slugs are gross and don’t want to get anywhere near them, but Turin is never afraid to stand his ground and look an enemy in the eye.” King Fingon, who happened to be in the neighborhood for a conference, said that Turin has all the makings of a great general. “Oh, yes, his father told me all about the slug incident. I can’t tell you how impressed I was by the planning that Turin put into the deed. It was sheer genius, what he did with that board.” According to witnesses of the event, which took place last Saturday, Turin used a small carving knife to cut a trench across a board, and then set the board in the slug’s path. The slug crawled onto the board, and when it reached Turin’s cut, it attempted to stretch across to the other side, exposing its vulnerable belly. And that’s when Turin struck. “Fantastic strategy!” gushed Hurin. “He got the slug to stretch out over the notch, then he slid his knife down into the notch and slashed up at the slug’s underside. The slug never had a chance.” “It’s incredible that he already has an understanding of combat strategy,” observed Huor, Turin’s uncle. “Surprising a foe from an unexpected angle and using the landscape to exploit an enemy’s weakness are tactics that can be used throughout life against all sorts of opponents.” But young Turin is not without critics. Melkor and members of his Angband staff have long held that the House of Hador is "totally weak", and say that Turin’s latest achievement changes nothing. Glaurung, Melkor’s head dragon, was particularly critical during a press conference yesterday. “Frankly, I’m amazed it worked. He was lucky the slug crawled onto the board in the first place, and even luckier that it didn’t just go around the trench. That’s certainly what I would’ve done.” Melkor seconded Glaurung’s words, calling Turin’s strategy “ridiculous” and "infantile", and insisted that such an approach was useless on a larger scale. “Even if it is a good slug-killing maneuver, what does that matter? It’s not as if he could kill a dragon like that.” When informed of Melkor's words, young Turin fired back, calling Melkor a "big meanie" and "poo-poo head". When asked about Glaurung, the three-year old boldly declared he would, upon reaching manhood, "stab him in the eyeball". Turin's family applauded the boy's words- all except his Aunt Aerin. "I don't like all this warlike talk," Aerin told reporters this morning. "He's only three! Yet he's already killing things, boasting, getting into verbal fights with dragons, and being called a warrior by his family. With a childhood like this, he can only expect to have a short, violent, and tragic life." Whose words will prove true? We here at the Downer can't wait to find out. __________________ the phantom has posted. This thread is now important. Last edited by the phantom; 08-01-2007 at 11:21 AM.

08-01-2007, 05:11 PM	#3
Diamond18 Eidolon of a Took Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: my own private fantasy world Posts: 3,460	tp, that was hilarious. And disturbing. Get more sleep. __________________ All shall be rather fond of me and suffer from mild depression.

08-01-2007, 09:04 PM	#4
the phantom Beloved Shadow Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Stadium Posts: 5,971	So does that mean I'm disturbingly hilarious, or hilariously disturbed? But sleep? Sorry, that's out of the question. Now- lying in bed trying to sleep... that I can do. I've been practicing for a week. Glad you enjoyed the article though. I've got another one coming soon. It's very disturbing. And, I hope, somewhat entertaining. __________________ the phantom has posted. This thread is now important.

08-06-2007, 03:27 AM	#6
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	Going to the polls is not an option YES, The Downer has the exclusive on the crisis in the Dragon's Realm! I think I should point out that there is officially a completely white room in The Phantom's house where he has most of his conversations with Alien. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

08-06-2007, 10:20 AM	#7
Morai Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2002 Location: Where young people go to retire Posts: 709	I for one, think that's a fantastic use of that much money. __________________ "So why the safe distance, this curious look? Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book? Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar? MeWithoutYou http://fortyfifthparadox.com

08-07-2007, 04:59 AM	#8
the guy who be short Shadowed Prince Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Thulcandra Posts: 2,343	I agree - for once, Alien's done something cool and helpful (in my view... who wouldn't want a walking house?)

08-07-2007, 05:24 AM	#9
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	You're all forgetting that £5,000 is no where near enough money to build a walking house with Lazar guns and a mini bar. He probably payed for the rest of it with phantom's life savings. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

08-09-2007, 05:58 AM	#11
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	The intrinsic difference would be that a white room is just one room where as a house is the whole house. I like to imagine that the white room has no windows, just one trap door in the ceiling and bright lights everywhere. But once again, I think we're delving too deeply into silly details. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

08-10-2007, 03:24 AM	#12
the guy who be short Shadowed Prince Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Thulcandra Posts: 2,343	Whatever the white-room situation, I'm glad that Downsland uses the British pound - none of this new-fangled 'dollar' nonsense.

08-10-2007, 03:50 AM	#13
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	I did take some time to consider what currency to use. I even tried to invent a new one, but thought it would just complicate things. I think the currency I invented was called 'Globdules' or something. The Symbol was ♪ I think the exchange rate was along the lines of ♪1 = £40 You know what, I think I'll start using Globdules in more Downer articles EDIT: 100 Groats (g)= ♪1 __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket... Last edited by Hookbill the Goomba; 08-10-2007 at 05:02 AM.

08-13-2007, 01:52 AM	#16
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	Raise your pipes! Once again we delve into the weird and wondrous world of journalism and insanity. This week, we meet the phantom's grandfather. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket... Last edited by Hookbill the Goomba; 08-15-2007 at 02:32 AM.