The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Kuruharan]

That's cruel!

Perhaps you're right. A simple hanging would have been as effective and less costly.

STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST PENGUINS!

-and-

The maia, who remains anonymous, is previously suspected of capturing Elenwë, wife to Turgon of Gondolin, and the murders of five noldorin Elves of her household, including Turgon's nephew.

*looks around carefully to see if any of the feathered fiends are in sight*

I have it on good authority that a certain Dark Power is actually attempting to replace orcs with penguins. It is a little known fact (that has hitherto gone unreported in the biased media) that the area where these poor innocent Elves (can you believe I just said that ) disappeared were awash in feathers!

There was a certain O. C. Cobblepot who was investigating these developments, but he ended up glued to the hull of the Titanic. Clearly he was getting on to something.

We can no more stop violence against penguins than we could against orcs.