The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Mithalwen]

Well it is the right part of the world..... oh dear that gossip thang... I just can't help myself...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

A Change of direction...

Owing to a vast number of complaints aimed at our magazine publication, "The Downer Controversial", the editors have decided to disband that old one in favour of a new one that may be more acceptable to a wider audience.

[Lalwendë]

You can leave your hat on...

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Davem looks like he has a role in "The Full Monty"

It was filmed in our neighbourhood - the old corner shop (now a house) is in it, and the gritting yard at the bottom of the road so you never know...

My office also gets blown up on screen twice - once in Threads (grim nuclear drama that gives you nightmares for the rest of your life, written by one of my tutors) and then again in The Last Train (rubbish sci-fi drama where lots of people survive a metoer impact when their train crashes in the tunnel going into the station).

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Heads this week...



This is the News!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The continuing adventures of Norway's ninth favourite comedy duo...

[Glirdan]

Interview with host Vala Seacrest - A Downer's Exclusive
By Glirdan Tirithedain

I wasable to catch up with the host from the hit series Middle-Earth Idol and was quite pleased to answer my questions.

Glirdan - Hello Vala! How are you today?

Vala - Fine, fine. Now, what do you want?

G - I just have a few questions for you about Middle-Earth Idol. It will only take a few minutes of your time.

V - Alright fine.

G - Okay, first question. What are your thoughts on the remaining contestants?

V - I like them all. Obviously every single one of them is creative and witty, but have great personalities. I can't really say which one I think will do the best... but I really don't know who will win out of the, well, now five remaining.

G - What are your thoughts on how the competition is going?

V - Oh, I think it's doing pretty well. It isn't rapid, which is why lots of people dropped out. It takes a lot of time, but we're talking about being the next big thing!

G - This is true. My next question is what is it like working with the judges?

V - It's... it's hard, actually. Sleepy Cowell keeps making fun of my noble DJing career, and I don't think Wilwa has noticed that I co-ordinate my outfit to hers each time we're on air. I guess my major thing about Glirdy is that he always has to say everything three times. It's so... so... so...- You know?

G - That's why I'm glad to be a newpaper reporter! *Laughs heartily which dies quickly as Vala looks at him with annoyance* Do you have a favorite of the competition?

V - I -did-. Probably because it was so easy to make puns about him, but also because of his zaniness. I was the original pan-fan.

G - I too was quite sad to see the man with pans leave. He was such an entertainer. My next question is would you do this again if the series continued next year?

V - I'm not sure... the DJ career has really picked up for me, and I've got gigs booked from Buckland to Aldberg, and we're talking to someone from Minas Tirith records about a possible compolation album I might be working on. It's hard to say.

G - I see. Now, my final question. Is it true that you have a lazy eye?

V - My-my eye? No! Of course it isn't lazy... it... it's just not motivated! Who have you been talking to?!

At that point, I had to run as fast as I could because Vala started chasing me with a broom and was going to beat me over the head with it.

Watch out next week as I try and grab an interview with the sweetest (and possibly most drunk) judge of the competition.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

These are the headlines... I wish they wern't.



Have fun!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Once again, Central Russia's two hundredth favourite comedy duo...



Also...

Local dentists swell.
By Sid Marat

It has come to the attention of the Downer that the sheer size of its local dentists is becoming a strain on the BHS (Barrow Health Service). Reinforced flooring as well as wider doors have already cost the Barrow Wight nigh on 14,000 Gold coins in the last few years. The BW told reports that "This" situation was "Not" going to go on "For" much longer and that "We" should not worry about it.
Despite the BW's words, other moderators have expressed concern about the current situation, saying 'It won't be long now'. No one quite knows what they are referring to, but we are assured that it is good.

Heavy colours in their food, which is provided by the local fish and chip shop, caused the swelling dentists. The novelty of eating blue chips has obviously had a rather bad effect. At the Barrow Wight's question time on Thursday evening, it is expected that many opposition MDs (Members of the Downs) will be heavily critical of the amount of funding being poured into the BHS and the very little that is coming out. The BW argues that the larger dentists mean less patients. All remains to be seen.

[Glirdan]

Weekly Interview with Middle-Earth Idol Eviction: SpM
By Glirdan Tirithedain


I was unable to get a word with the actual evictee. However, I was able to get the following statment from his agent, GT Greay and Associates:

Mr SP Man is sorry not to have made it to the final stages of the competition, but was not entirely shocked given the strong competition. In many ways, he is relieved, since it had freed him up to pursue his career in earnest.

He has enjoyed his time in the competition immensely and feels that he has learned much, particularly from the judges. Despite Sleepy Cowell's "Mr Nasty" persona, Mr Man recognises the sense in much of what he says and hope to be able to work with him again in the future. He was also boosted throughout the competition by the infectious enthusiasm of Glirdy Jackson and the kindly encouragement of Wilwa Abdul.

Mr Man's highlight of the competiton remains The Only Real Estel's rib-tickling and rip-roaring rendition of The Pie or the Cider. He considers that all of the remaining contestants have great talent but will be rooting for Mithalwen, whose contributions he considers to have been consistently top-notch.

Mr Man hopes to pursue his dream of bringing kitchenwear-based syncopation into the mainstream and will shortly be releasing his first album, Sauce for the Goose.

Mr Man may be contacted through his agent, GT Grey & Associates, Agent to the Istars.

Stay tuned next week to see my interview with the next evictee.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

That's right, folks! On September the 10th, the Great Barrow will play host to the first annual Wight of the Year award ceremony sponsored by The Downer newspaper.
It works like this:
There are four categories, and five nominees in each category. It's up to you to vote for your favourite Wight.

1st Category: Award for great writing in an RPG
2nd Category: Award for outstanding achievement in Quiz games
3rd Category: Award for great comedy writing
4th category: Award for outstanding writing in a discussion

Culminating in the final award:

Wight of the Year.

For the 4 categories, people can nominate any Wight, (Someone nominates, another will second) as soon as we have five for each category we will precede to voting. So, you'd better be quick.
Post should be like this:

*Any 'Downer' Business*

Oh, and I nominate ____ for the Award for ____

The Award for Wight of the Year will go to anyone (excluding myself as I am hosting the show) in the top 10 Wights as listed by reputation. So when voting remeber to vote for anyone of them.

Don't let your favourite Wight lose out! Get those nominations in!
When the nominations are in, send your votes to me.

PM votes will look like this (hopefully).

I vote for
___ in the 1st category
___ in the 2nd
___ in the 3rd
___ in the 4th
and
___ for Wight of the Year.

Oh, and you can’t nominate or vote for yourself.

[Glirdan]

For the 1st Category, I nominate Kath for the best writing in an RPG.

For the 2nd Category, I nominate Rune Son of Bjarne for outstanding achievement in Quiz games.

For the 3rd Category, I nominate Hookbill the Goomba for great comedy writing.

Now, I must ask, why are you limiting the Wight of the Year Award to just the top 10 under the Reputation? As I see it, there could be a few others who deserve who aren't in that category. But it really depends on what you're looking for for the Wight of the Year now doesn't it? So, what is it that you're looking for? For like the other categories, there must be something specific you're looking for in the winner.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Glirdan

Now, I must ask, why are you limiting the Wight of the Year Award to just the top 10 under the Reputation?

Good point. My original plan was that, but my brother told me it would be chaos. But I say lets go ahead.

Nominate anyone for the WotY.

[Brinniel]

I nominate Durelin for great writing in an RPG. Really, from what I've seen in The Fellowship of the Fourth Age: A New Beginning, she's outstanding. I'm glad to be RPGing with her.

[The Only Real Estel]

I would definitly second Glirdan's nomination of Hookbill for the 3rd category, but if he's outlawed himself against winning then what's the point?

[Glirdan]

Good point. My original plan was that, but my brother told me it would be chaos. But I say lets go ahead.

Nominate anyone for the WotY.

My thanks to you boss.

I nominate piosenniel for Wight of the Year. The RPG moderators really do deserve more recongnition.

And I also nominate davem for the Award for outstanding writing in a discussion. He always seems to have a good response along with a little sarcasm in it.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

It's like Olds, but NEW!



This week, the second story is written by Rune!

Also, Antarctica's third favourite comedy duo...

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

The story behind that article is that I was in Finland this summer and met Spawn and Lommy. . . We talked about Hookbill's paper and I for one was keen on writting an article about our meeting to it.

Before we said our farewells, we got our picture taken and in this one we all loked weird/tired and that createt the idea of us getting a sleeping disorder.

[Gil-Galad]

Where is the full picture??

[Glirdan]

ME-Idol's Wilwa Abdul Speaks Up!
By Glirdan Tirithedain

This weak, I was able to catch up with the lovel Wilwa Abdul on her thoughts about ME-Idol.

Glirdan - Ms. Abdul? Ms. Abdul!?

Wilwa - Please, call me Wilwa.

G - Okay, thank you Ms.- I mean Wilwa. Do you think I could ask you a few questions about Middle-Earth Idol?

W - I would be delighted.

G - Thank you! My first question. What is it like working with Glirdy Jackson and Sleepy Cowell?

W - Glirdy is a real cool guy, lots of fun to work with. Sleepy is rather rude sometimes, he makes untrue jokes about me, he rarely agrees with me, he looks through my underwear drawer, and he's just an all around jerk, but once you get past all that, he's a delight to work with. *puts on fakish looking smile*

G - Oh I can imagine. Just seeing him on the show I get the imperssion of how rude he is! But it still must be wonderful to work with someone as experienced as him. But what do you think of Vala Seacrest?

W - Vala is wonderful! She's a great gal, and I love working with her. She also has great taste in fashion, which I really admire in a person

G - How do you think the competition is going so far?

W - I think the competition is going very well. There haven't been any injories, large explosions, deadly virus outbreaks or llama stampedes so I think everything is going great.

G - Do you have a favorite to win?

W - I can't possibly choose. All of the remaining contestants are very talented and whoever wins will have deserved it and I'll be very happy for them.

G - Very true. Would you return if ME Idol continued into a Season two?

W - I'm not sure if I would. With me returning to school I doubt my scheduel would permit it. But if ME Idol does go into a season 2 I will definetely be a voter and I will be keeping track of everything that happens.

G - I see. As for my last question, I heard that you have a drinking problem. Is this true?

W - Uh......no....where on earth did you hear such a thing?!? *glares at Sleepy Cowell* Of course I don't *hick* have a drinking problem.

With that inter view over, I shall be moving onto my next judge, and probably the coolest of the three. So watch out for my next article on the judges. But a little closer to today, watch for my weekly interview with the Middle-Earth Idol Evictee.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Gil-Galad

Where is the full picture??

Look here for the un-edited version of Rune's lovely picture of Doom.

I thought this weeks Phantom and alien was a bit Risky, but no one has complained yet... Now, anyone want to guess how long Alien has left to live?

[Meneltarmacil]

Now, anyone want to guess how long Alien has left to live?

About 1/1000th of a nanosecond, given the phantom's unstoppableness. (Is that actually a word?) At least Death's right there for him if that happens.

[Gil-Galad]

i'm stil lwaiting for my guest spot in it...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

i'm stil lwaiting for my guest spot in it...

Here you go, Gil. A special tile just for thee.

[Thinlómien]

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Originally Posted by Thinlómien

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

Yeah I noticed that. . .

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Thinlómien

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

Yes it should. Sorry about that, folks.

If anyone else would like an article of their own on the front page, just P-M me with it and I'll see what I can do. Please note, I like to have a few weeks done in advance, so it may take a while for it to go up. (Rune wrote his about 4 weeks ago).

Anyway… Here is a little puzzle for the Children… Help old Sauron find what he most truly desires in his heart…

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Sorry for double post...



Also, in the words of Oscar Wild:
"There are three types of lies; Lies, Damn lies and made up Oscar Wild quotes."
Without further ado... Sauron's one-hundredth favourite comedy duo...

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Anyway… Here is a little puzzle for the Children… Help old Sauron find what he most truly desires in his heart…

That puzzle's just taken me back to when I was about eight years old and they had those things on the back of Shreddies packets and my dad used to plonk it on the breakfast table to distract me and shut me up when I was pestering him with questions like "Why does the Sun only go one way aorund the sky?" or "Why doesn't rain ever go upwards?". The puzzles kept me quiet for hours but I sometimes blame my short sight on them.

[Glirdan]

An Interivew with a Cir Twin - An Inside Story
By Rocky Road

I was able to catch up with one of the infamous Cir (played by Kath) twins from the Golden Perch Inn. Here's what she had to say.

RR - Excuse me! Cir?

C - Yes? What would you like?

RR - I was wondering if you would have a problem with answering a few questions for me?

C - Not a problem. Fire away!

RR - Thank you! What's it like having a younger twin brother?

C - Oh it's fun! Well, usually. The relationship between siblings is always a bit tense at times but Cir and I are very close which helps us get on pretty well together. Also, since I'm older I do get to be in charge, and it's very useful having control!

RR - I see. What is it that made your parents send you away to live with your Aunt Mithalwen?

C - Cir and I aren't always the best behaved of people. It isn't that we mean harm, it's just that sometimes it gets caused without us realising it. We enjoy playing jokes and having fun, but sometimes others don't appreciate that as much as we do. I think we've been sent partly to try and calm us down and teach us the ways of the world, and partly so that those in Rivendell can have a rest from us.

RR - What was it like living in Rivendell?

C - Mostly good but like I said there are some people who can't really take a joke. We have a lot of freedom there though, and there is always something going on. We see all manner of people pass through and hear a lot about foreign places and what is going on in them, and there is almost always music and dancing. It's a good place to live.

RR - What (in your point of view) are your parents like?

C - They're wonderful, but worn out. It's our fault really, we keep playing up and they have to keep sorting it out. We would sort it out ourselves if they'd let us, but I think they feel we'd just make an even bigger mess. But both of them are kind and loving and infinitely patient. Well, almost.

RR - They sound like wonderful parents. And finally, which musical instrument do you enjoy playing the most?

C - The flute. You can create such beautiful sounds with a flute, whether you want a happy little tune that you can dance to or a mournful melody. The only downside is that you can't sing while you play it!

I hope you enjoyed this exclusive, once in a life time interview with one of the Golden Perch stars. Watch out next week for my next interview!

[THE Ka]

"There are three types of lies; Lies, Damn lies and made up Oscar Wilde quotes."

Oh holy Oscar, Robbie and Bosie yes!

It may be a good game, but everytime you make up a Wilde quote, an inner Aesthete dies... and there are not many left of us anyways.


~ Aesthetically Oscilating Wildly Ka

[Hookbill the Goomba]

It's time for a new weekly slot, 'Cooking with Mrs. Miggins'.
This week, 'Cookery for Kids'

Cookery can be lots of fun for boys and girls, but bear in mind this handy advice:
- Get a grown-up to help you
- Start with a few simple recipes
- Don’t make apple pie and then push it through Mr T’s letterbox.

Priceless advice as always, Mrs. M

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Cheif of Police retires.
By Chris Pritchard.

After a long and bright career, Police chief Davem of the yard has stepped down as head of New Down-land Yard. He began his days as a low ranking PC but slowly built his way up (and down) before gaining high reputation amongst all the Barrow Downers, minting a spot just below his wife, Lalwendë for many years.
The news came as a shock to many Downers as the Legend made a statement earlier today, saying, "I'm just going outside. I may be sometime."

He has been widely regarded as one of the chief non-mod members of the Barrow Downs for a good while now and his resignation is a real blow. Many members such as MP narfforc MP have offered condolences and have said that he will be missed.

The Wight has also been known for his acting, his massively popular one-man show 'The search for the Legendarium' grossed over £100,000 in the last few weeks. A hard blow for the Downs, indeed. Although he was not popular with everyone and had his fair share of arguments and bickerings, it is but a small blotch on an otherwise superb record.

[Please note: Future weeks of The Downer will still mention him because I wrote them three weeks in advance before this news came out... so... ignore it].

[Mithalwen]

Well I doubt he will be actually written out of history a la Trotsky ...too Orwellian... I hope...

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

well Nilp, Denmark is not on the Scandinavian peninsula either. . . (not anymore anyway)

Denmark, Norway and Sweden are what is normaly considerd Scandinavian, but sometimes Finland, Iceland and the Faeroe Islands are included.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

+ = DOOM!

Has anyone else noticed how suspiciously similar to Meneltarmacil's avatar Alien is?

Maybe they know each other... let's find out...

[Meneltarmacil]

I had actually noticed that before. Nice!

(I wonder who's going to guest-star next...)

[Glirdan]

Recent Evictee of Middle-Earth Idol
By Glirdan Tirithedain

I was able to catch up with Middl-Earth Idol's recent evictee, Celuien. Here's what she had to say.

Originally Posted by Glirdan
Well, here are you're questions for the interview.

G - Excuse me! Celuien? Could I have a word?

C - Yes, yes you may.

G - Thank you. How was your experience on Middle-Earth Idol?

C - Quite confusing, since I participated along with a mysteriously appearing anakronism from Mordor who also posted under my name. I never knew which one of us was around until she disappeared a few weeks ago. Plus, I never expected to make it past round one. Neither Panakeia nor I have an extensive knowledge of non-classical music. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

G - What do you think of the judge's?

C - Great job! The judges were fair and helpful, though Mr. Cowell's constant Karaoke references grew trying after a while.

G - What do you think of the competition?

C - Very fun, and very intense. All of the competitors have been wonderful and shown great ability in all of the rounds. It was great to sing with them!

G - Who do you think is going to win the competition?

C - Anyone of the remaining contestants could easily take the title, but I think LMP might pull off the win.

G - Are you going to continue with your singing after this?

C - Only for an audience of skwerlz.

G - Thank you for your time.

C - No problem.

Stay tuned next week as I manage to catch up with the next judge (me!) and evictee.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Please note: When I made this (about three weeks ago), I had no idea it would be going out on September 11th. So, there was no intention there. It is a pure co-incidence. I had a little crisis of conscience this morning, wondering weather to post this. I've decided to go ahead.

Without further Ado, here is everyone’s 912th favourite comedy duo:

[Valesse]

Something for the funnys:

(** While posting this I noticed something that looks rather insulting, but I assure you it is unintentional. Sorry #4. You know who you are.)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

And, for another week, the outer hebridies nine thousandth favorite comedy duo:



Editor's note:

The Downer wishes to remind it's readers that we in no way condone violence towards Dogs, cats and any small fury animas, except chat squirrels. It is an essential part of the plot that will become apparent next week. So, look forward to something interesting.