ME jokes and funny stories

[Gandalf_the _white]

[QUOTE=HerenIstarion]***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


LOL sooooo funny!!!!

[Glirdan]

Hmmm...

Aragorn: The Sword that was broken!! You have remade it!!

Elrond: What? You think that's Narsil? Are you kidding me? I just told Arwen to go out and get a sword with markings on it and give it to you and tell you that it's Narsil. I can't believe you fell for that!!!

[Gandalf_the _white]

Legolas:"the way is shut, it is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it, the way is shut!"
Gimli: Why's the door open then?

[The Elf-warrior]

Where does Sauron spend all his time?

In the ICU.

How do Orcs greet each other?

Hai.

What do you get when you cross Pippin with a Troll?

A retarded Troll.

What do you get when you cross Denethor with a cow?

Barbeque.

[HerenIstarion]

Gandalf coming in to have a mug or two with Butterbur sees Aragorn lying on the road with his ear to the ground:

G. Valar be with you, Aragorn, I see you are being rangering... What is it?
A. Big wain with breelanders in is nearby. The wain is pulled by two horses - one chestnut and one motley. Wain's left rear wheel is creaky. There are ten of them, one of them is very fat and another is very bold, and they are all drunk as cobblers.
G. There is no ranger like you, Aragorn! You've heard it all by earth trembling, now don't you?
A. No, these blockheads just knocked me down!

[narfforc]

Q: What's the connection between Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown.










A: They all have same middle name.

[The 1,000 Reader]

"And so the last High King of the Noldor and the father of Isildur wrestled with Sauron on the plains of Gorgoroth. Long was the battle and many a crowd did it gather, for a fee of sixty dollars. And the kings tried a double closeline, yet the Dark Lord grabbed their necks, walked about the entire ring yelling to the audience, and then finally choke-slammed them into the ground. But lo! The kings swung their legs up high, and both impacted on the back of Sauron's skull, sending him reeling forward and loosening his grip. The duo rolled out of the falling weight's path, stood up, and then kicked Sauron like sissies. When his head ceased to throb, the Dark Lord thrust his elbows into the soles of their feet, and they gave a shout and fell.

When ground met the kings Sauron rose above them, and Elendil was wounded by a kick to his ribs. Gil-Galad attempted to regain his footing, but he was given a fist in his face and returned to the ashen soil. Up was the Noldor leader raised by the hand of Sauron, and twice was he brought back down by the other hand of the Ringlord. Vision fading, Gil-Galad was dragged to his feet, prepared to let the darkness of his mind carry him away from the next blow. Yet when his hope had teetered on the edge, the Dark Lord's arm was caught, and when he turned to look it was he who was hit in the face. And as the Dark One staggered backwards, Gil-Galad caught himself in his fall and brought himself up with foe in hand, and over his shoulder did Sauron get thrown.

Seeing an opportunity, ruler of both Elf and Man took each a leg of the shadow and brought it harshly on a land just as harsh. With no hesitation, Elendil and Gil-Galad pounced upon Mordor's master, and let their fists abuse the fearsome face of Sauron. On they went until a hand was driven into their each of their guts, and the winded warriors were taken by the servant of Bauglir. Their heads met the other with force, and when the skulls had halted upon the other a third cranium, that of the Dark Lord's, crashed into theirs. Again tumbled Elendil and Gil-Galad, and the feet of the Dark Lord danced over them. With his hate of the elves resolving his mind, Sauron lifted his foot over the High King Gil-Galad, son of Fingon. But when the foot came down up went Gil-Galad's hands, and with great strength and a powerful jerk the Dark Lord crumbled and painfully impacted onto the ruined fields of his realm. Gil-Galad returned the stomps given to him, yet suddenly halted. Panic took hold of Sauron, and in his rush to return to his feet did he meet Gil-Galad's trap.

When Sauron had regained his full height the lord of the elves leapt forward, and he thrust his foot towards the skies and aimed at the face of the Abhorred. O such sweet Chin Music rang that day, to be repeated in all the ages to follow! Sauron fell off his feet on contact. However, long had it been since Gil-Galad could find rest or water, and so as the Dark Lord was sent down did the heat exhaustion of Gil-Galad prove too much, and there he died on that day when the flailing hand of Sauron brushed against him. The defiant descendent of Fingon caught with his eyes his ally in battle gaining a second wind. He would never see again.

A rage filled Elendil, hatred for the one who assisted in the tainting of his homeland and the one who caused his elvish friend to die. He took his helm in hand from his head, and akin to a wild beast did Elendil dash forward and trample Sauron's body in his approach to the fallen Elf-Lord. He stood over the fallen body, and the sight of it maddened him even more. To the skies did his helmet fly, accompanied by a terrible yell. His momentum still with him, Elendil turned on his feet and ran to the fallen Maia. The side of Sauron he reached before driving all of his power and movement upwards with his arm. With a last, furious gaze did Elendil cast himself towards Sauron.

Long preserved in song was that moment. The beastly king rushed to his fallen foe, and with the power of his arm thrown down ahead of him did Elendil take vengence. The (Free) People's Elbow crushed the throat and all the rest of Sauron's neck, and the second shadow over Middle-Earth had taken a mortal blow. Still do elves weep over the other result of the assault. Poor King Elendil was an old man, even for one of Numenorian blood, and his heart no longer strived for his life, and so perished Elendil, founder of Arnor.

There was no man standing who could take victory now, thus it seemed that the royalty of the Last Alliance had broken itself in vain, and the influence of Sauron would continue to exist. Just when hope seemed lost, a shout tore through the valley, and from a freshly-slaughtered horde of orcs did Elendil's only living son Isildur rush to the personal battlefield. Through the audience he came, and down the ramp leading to the grounds he went and he dropped over the body of the Dark Lord. One count he remained over Sauron and then for a second he lay there. And when the worst expectations of man and elf were thought to come, the third count had arrived. With shock that the Dark Lord did not rise at the last moment, all were stunned until a single voice rose up in cheer. So followed all the voices of man and elf, drowning out the horrified ones of the orcs and trolls.

And so passed the Second Age's greatest conflict."

[HerenIstarion]

[Nerwen]

Was this by any chance inspired by the Evil Overlord list item:

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Well, you are making fun of this, but about half a year ago there were papers on all the bus stops around my home with the text:

"Will reward anyone who finds and returns a gold ring. Without stone, but with inscribed characters. It is an old family treasure. Call (...)"

And some vandal wrote on one of these papers:

"Don't believe him! - F. Baggins"

[Nerwen]

Are you serious?

[Lindril Arvilya]

Aragorn: Aww.... my sword sucks.....
Elrond: That's okay, we'll just go down to the pound and get you a new Sword That Was Broken!

[Sleepy Ranger]

Neither are mine but they're funny

[Boromir88]

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

[the guy who be short]

Originally Posted by Boro

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

Erm... that's where the name Shelob came from.

[Boromir88]

I told you it would be corny.

[Galadriel55]

I heard this from a friend of mine, and this is not really a joke, but it's still funny.

Soe of the many people who are nuts about Tolkien formed some kind of club. They met every once in a while and replayed battles and counsils and the like. Each person had his own role from LotR. One of the meetings was held on and island that was patrolled by mounted police.
The meeting was almost over, when it started raining. The policeman happened to have a cloak with a hood, so he put it on. All of a sudden, he rode into a bunch of people who were staring at him in disbelief.

PS: his horse and cloak were black
I think you can carry on by yourself from here!

[Urwen]

This one time, Morgoth was bored. So, he decided to pay a visit to Uldor the Accursed in the Void. He went and made it there. But when he entered the Void, three figures, to females and one male, surrounded him, claiming that they want revenge because he completely destroyed their lives. The male boasted that he killed Morgoth's most trusted servant.

Trying to look imposing, the youngest girl leaned towards Morgoth.

"It must be fun to kill the innocent little girls." she spat

The man laughed.

"Give it up, sis. You just aren't meant to scare. You were brought into this world to bring happiness...just as our other sister was brought to give me strength...to slaughter One Who Used To Arise In Might." he mocked, as he huddled his younger sister. His other younger sister didn't say a word.

"Why don't you say anything?" asked Morgoth, his curiousity arose.

"Because you drove me to incest. " she replied calmly

Morgoth couldn't even say anything before man stabbed him through the heart.

"Now you know strength of Death Iron." said the man carelessly, cleaning the sword and hugging his two sisters affectionately

[Galadriel55]

Before he was elected as King, Aragorn's agents spread petitions amongst all the people of Gondor. The people had to circle the answer that applies to the. This is how the petition looked:

Do you mind Aragorn becoming King? (circle one)

a) Yes, I don't mind
b) No, I don't mind

[HerenIstarion]

As I've recently played Skyrim, and as it is already a meme, it just begs to be uttered (I guess I will get stoned for that by angry mobs later on... but anyway)


Gandalf telling Frodo about Gollum:

He used to be a hobbit just like you, but then he took an arrow to his knee...

[Galadriel55]

New Year's Eve. Orthanc Tower. Inhabitants realise they forgot to congratulate someone.

Saruman: Wormtongue, have you wished Gandalf a Happy New Year?

Grima: No, master.

Saruman: See, you forgot to give Gandalf New Year greetings, which means that you have sclerosis.

Grima: My Master, may I ask you... did you give Gandalf holiday greetings?

Saruman (thinks): ...Noooo...

Grima: And what does that mean?

Saruman: It means that you've forgotten to remind me, which means that you have sclerosis.

[Galadriel55]

-How did Denethor become crazy?

-It happened when the doctor told him that he was diagnosed with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

[MCRmyGirl4eva]

Why did the dwarves sing their song about smashing Bilbo's plates and destroying his house while cleaning up?

They wanted it to seem like they were joking

It sucks, yes, but I'm bad at this kind of thing.

[Galadriel55]

A group of Dwarves was travelling through Bree. They came into the Prancing Pony, paid the inkeeper fifty silver pennies in advance for their stay, and went off to see which rooms they want.

As soon as he received the money, Butterbur went running to the grocer to pay off his long-standing debt for a few boxes of the choiciest vegetables. The grocer took the pennies and rushed to the delivery man, who, knowing that his friend's money jar is getting empty, agreed to do a few weeks of worth ahead of payment. Upon collecting his pay of fifty silver pennies, the delivery man dashed off to the house of his neighbour, whose cart he was using for a long time without paying. The neighbour then delivered the money to a farmer who has helped out with last year's harvesting and agreed to postpone the payment. The farmer then found Nob, to whom he lost fifty silver pennies in a game of chance. Nob promptly gave it to Bob because he lost him many a bet. And Bob did not hesitate to hand it over to Butterbur, to whom he owed a good deal for breaking numerous cups and dishes and (accidentally) wasting much food and beer.

At that moment the Dwarves returned from their tour and announced that they changed their minds; they have decided they actually would not be staying overnight in the town and therefore would like to have their money back.


In the end, no one has lost anything, but the townsfolk had no more debts.