Middle Earth Tech Support

[The Perky Ent]

If there was a Middle Earth Tech Support, who would call, and what would they call for?

Example:

Legolas: Yeah, I'm hear about this quiver I bought...
Tech Support: What's wrong with it?
Legolas: I was promissed that this quiver have an infinite amount of arrows that could never run out, but I just ran out.
Tech Support: Has this happened before?
Legolas: No
Tech Support: Hold Please...

~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~

Tech Support: Does the auto shoot feature work?
Legolas: Yeah, that's working just fine. It's why I always beat the dwarf!
Tech Support: Hold Please...

~*~ Yet Another Ten Hours Later ~*~

Tech Support: Is the quiver switch set on infinite?
Legolas: Let me check...um...hmm...oh. Silly me, I had it set on finite.
Tech Support: Does that solve your problem?
Legolas: Let me test it!
*Fires infinite amount of arrows*
Yeah, it works!
Tech Support: We're glad we could help. Please call again...
*Legolas hangs up*
...after I quit this job!



And there ya go. Stuff of that nature.

[THE Ka]

Ha! Then next he'd call in about his hair dryer not having a "set to stun" button...

Here's one that would be very common...

S=Sauron, T=Tech support

S: *Shakes palantir GRRR! this is absolutely stupid! AOL (A.k.a. Arda OnLine)worked just hours ago! That's it! Time to threaten Tech support!

T: (In strange accent) Hello, my name is Lugo with Tech Support. If you have a question about our excellent line of online and internet brouser packages, dial one. If you have have a problem with our IM and or, related media, press two. If you would like to hear comments from customers on their experiences with our product, press three. If you would like to hear an orc sing in tenor, press four. If you think i'm drop dead hansome, press five.

S: *Presses two.

***Music ques in for about five minutes... Along with some guy telling how great he is...

T: You have told us that you have a problem with IM or, related media, if this is true, press 2 again.

S: *presses two

T: You have specified that you do, have a problem with IM and or, related media. Would you like to hear our tech support line in English or Spanish? (Alturnate click and it switches over)
Usted ha especificado que usted hace, tienen un problema con IM y o, relacionado medios. ¿Quisiera usted oír nuestra línea de apoyo de tecnología en inglés o español?

S: What's Spanish? Oh well, "English"
T: i'm sorry, could you repeat that?
S: 'English'
T: I'm sorry, I can't understand you... Please wait while we re-direct you.
S: *The tapping of fingers on a table...
T: You have specified that you do, have a problem with IM and or, related media. Would you like to hear our tech support line in English or Pig Latin? (Alturnate click and it switches over)
Ouyay avehay ecifiedspay atthay ouyay oday, avehay away
oblempray ithway IMWAY andway orway, elatedray ediamay. Ouldway
ouyay ikelay otay earhay ourway echtay upportsay inelay inway
Englishway orway Igpay Atinlay?

S: What happened to spanish?
T: I'm sorry, I could not understand you. Please try again.
S: GAHHH! Your running my patience very low! Now redirect me to English!
T: Are you sure?
S: Yes, yes i'm sure...
T: Really?
S: Yes, really...
T: Really, really?
S: Yes! I'm very sure!
T: I don't believe you...
S: YOU WILL REDIRECT ME TO ENGLISH ON THE TECH SUPPORT LINE, OR I WILL TAKE YOUR INTESTINES AND STRING YOU UP BY THEIR GREASEY VINES OF TERROR!
T: Okay, okay... Quick! How many fingers am I holding up!
S: *SLAM!!! The phone brakes.... Ah! I!... I need asprin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eh. That was lame. As usual...

~Ka

[The Perky Ent]

Nice. Here's another:


Sauron: Tech Support?
TS: Yes, how can we *whisper* not *whisper* help you?
Sauron: Yes, well i was playing around in my yard a couple of days ago, and this guy stole my ring.
TS: Stole your ring?
Sauron: Yeah, he cut my finger off and took it! I was...um...I was wondering if I could have another?
TS: I'll have to ask my supervisor

~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~

Do you have your recipt?

Sauron: I think so. Let me check...

~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~

Um...I don't have the receipt for the ring, but I have a recipt for another item I purchased the same day, will that work?

TS: Hold please...

~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~

No, it won't

Sauron: Well...don't you have some kind of theft policy?

TS: No. We'd have to actually care about the customer in order to have that

Sauron: Well?

TS: Well what?

Sauron: Do you?

TS: Do I what?

Sauron: Care?

TS: About what?

Sauron: The customer?

TS: No

Sauron: That's it! I'm going to target!

[Carrûn]

...a bit morbid and off color perhaps. Hope it's ok.

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Hello?

~ Static ~

Túrin: Hello?
Tech Support #1: Yes, can you I help? Call will being monitored for your safety and satisfaction.
Túrin: Um, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #1: We not be making spear. Please hold for transfer.
Túrin: !?

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #2: Hello?
Túrin: Yes, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #2: This is Nogrod Crafts and Craftsman, we specialize in jewels. Do you have any jewels?
Túrin: I was transferred here by your associates. I need help with my sword.
Tech Support #2: If you don't have jewels, we don't want your business. Sword manufacturing has been outsourced to Gondolin. Good day.
Túrin: Wai-

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Fix my sword.
Tech Support #1: Yes, we making sword. Also making very strong medicine. What is problem with you?
Túrin: I'm fine, my sword is the problem.
Tech Support #1: How fine when sound so angry? Please hold for supervisor.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Supervisor: Hello? Tech supervisor speaking. How can I help you?
Túrin: I need some answers about my sword.
Tech Supervisor: Please describe the problem.
Túrin: I feel some malice lies deep within it. Or maybe I just still feel guilty for killing my friend with it, I'm not sure really.
Tech Supervisor: I can transfer you to our sister service, Morwen Counseling, Inc. if you would like...
Túrin: No! Wait, please. I'm convinced that it speaks to me.
Tech Supervisor: It speaks? Really? I've always wanted one of those but they were always a customer only product.
Túrin: I don't like that feature. How do I turn it off?
Tech Supervisor: I don't know. There's nothing about that on the screen here in front of me.
Túrin: You're using a screen?
Tech Supervisor: Swords 1.0. The boss doesn't want to pay the license for 1.5.
Túrin: I hate you. I want to return the sword. Now.
Tech Supervisor: Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Having problem? Let me transfer you to customer service.
Túrin: !

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #1: Will be transferring. Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Shipping address for you?
Túrin: Doriath
Tech Support #3: Dorthonion no good, address only, no Postal Office boxes.
Túrin: No, Doriath. One more mistake and you're on my list of tragically deceased associates.
Tech Support #3: So sorry, please to be speaking more calmly and slowly. Model name please.
Túrin: Gurthang.
Tech Support #3: Very nice model. Not many available.
Túrin: I want mine replaced.
Tech Support #3: When replacing, will be sending special offer. Only 19.95. Will enjoy.
Túrin: I just want the sword replaced.
Tech Support #3: What about offer #2, two payments of 9.99?
Túrin: No, just the sword.
Tech Support #3: Very well, will be sending special offer after you be receiving us sword.
Túrin: I don't understand. So will the sword be replaced?
Tech Support #3: Sword being replaced after you complete special offer.
Túrin: Special offer? Goodbye. I'm coming to kill you and eat your children alive while I dance on your corpse.
Tech Support #3: Thank me for you calling. Please be having wonderful day and call anytime we make you problem.

[Lyta_Underhill]

TS: Hello, Eregion Fine Jewelry Customer Service...(drones on..)
Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I specifically asked for the NON-EVIL model.
TS: (still droning)...This branch is no longer in service; please refer all complaints to the Orodruin Center. Thank you for your business, and farewell until the world is changed.
Frodo: (angrily slams phone down) I only just GOT this ring! How can the manufacturer be out of business? (dials Orodruin Center)
TS: Orodruin Customer Service, Snaga speaking, how I help?
Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I ordered a non-evil variety, you know, party tricks, disappear, pick your friends' pockets...and I got this nasty staring Big Red Eye and Wraith Attractant version. I want to exchange it for the right model!
TS: Uh...only one ring...to rule them all...One Ring.
Frodo: (fuming). How can there be only ONE ring? How do you guys stay in business?
TS: One Ring...get boss. (on hold...sounds of screaming and torture overlaid by strains of the Carpenters)
TS: Boss say bring ring in to shop. He fix.
Frodo: Where's your nearest branch to Hobbiton?
TS: Bring ring to Barad-Dur. He fix.
Frodo: How far is your shop?
TS: 1784 miles
Frodo: Can't you send someone?
TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name?
Frodo: Shire. Baggins. (knocks self in head) thinking: I don't think I should have said that!

Cheers!
Lyta

[Morai]

TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name?

So that's how it happened!
Here's my somewhat lame contribution:
*Sauron 'picks up phone reciever' and dials Elven Contact Lenses Tech Support*
TS: Hello, If you'd like a refund or replacement for your product: press 1. If you'd like an autograph from our official spokesperson/ contact lense model (Legolas):Press 2. If you need counseling from one of our professional therapists: Press 3. To enter to win a free trip to the Grey Havens, press 4 now.
*Sauron presses 1*
TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya
*Sauron Presses 1, thinking to himself 'What about Black Speech? Have I not conquered the property of this company already?'
TS: Transfering Call
*Pleasant Elven Voices sing elevator music*
TS: You have a problem with our product?
Sauron: Yes, my contact lense melted. It says on the label that it will magically cool off any burning sensations or dry eye.
TS: Do you have burning sensations or burning flames coming from your eye?
Sauron: Well...I guess my eye is on fire,
TS: We're sorry, but our contact lenses are designed for burning sensations only. Please Hang up now.
*Sauron slams the reciever down as it catches on fire, and the voice on the other line screams in terror*

Edit: Apologies for my misguided errors before, I don't have copies of the books, so sometimes I forget these things.

[Celebuial]

TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya, Press 4 for Dwarvish,

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Celebuial

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

No more than Sindarin. Or less, perhaps. Quenya was an elven language, not an Ainur-ian one. And as the tongue of the Noldor, i doubt he would have appreciated it...

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

It should be replaced with Black Speech, the real lingua franca of middle-earth. Spoken from Gundabad to Harad, from Moria to Rhun. Knowledge of Black Speech is a must for any fast-rising minion of Mordor.

[Esgallhugwen]

"Sword fixers tech support, If you have dented or warped your sword press one, if you have "lost" or "misplaced" your sword press two, if your sword was broken long ago press three, if you like the sound of my voice press four, if you want to hear the options again press five, if you don't have a sword and wish to buy one for a ridiculous amount of money press six, if your sword has a talking entity in it press seven, if you have forgotten why you called press six and we'll refresh your memory"

Aragorn presses three

"You have pressed three: if your sword was broken long ago. Would you like to here the option again? press six for yes and three for no."

Aragorn presses three again.

"You have pressed three confirming that you want your broken sword fixed, why bother it's best to buy a new one, so press six, if you insist on getting help to fix your sword press four"

Aragorn grumbles and pushes four

"you have pushed four which means you like the sound of my voice....."

Aragorn screams and hangs up the phone.

[Morai]

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

Good point:
*Gilmi dials Middle Earth Axe Company Tech Support*
TS: For instructions on how to use your axe Press 1. If you need a replacement axe Press2. For service on reparing your axe Press 3.
*Gimli Presses 3*
TS: For common tounge, press 1. For Sindarin: Press2, Quenya: Press3. Black Speech Press:4. Dwarvish: Press 5
*Gimli hesitates and presses 5*
TS: To confirm your dwarvish idenity, please repeat the following phrase in Dwarvish: "I like pink boxers."
Gimli: Phony imposters! *Hangs up phone and fixes the axe himself*

The question I have is...would the 'folks' of Middle Earth preferred to use other means to contact tech support?

[Esgallhugwen]

I suppose the Elves could use Osanwe Kenta (mind communication of the elves), boy wouldn't that be funny especially if some other Elf was listening in.

[Maeggaladiel]

Tech Support: Hello!

Isildur: H-Hello? Hello! Hey, I need some he--

Tech Support (recording): Welcome to the StabCo Weapons Hotline! Your call is important to us, so please choose from one of the following options! Thank you!

Isildur: I don't have time for this!

TS: For StabCo product information, press one. For StabCo employee special events, press two. For StabCo product concerns or malfunctions, press three. To speak with an actual live person--

*Isildur raises finger to push button*

TS: --call somewhere else.

*Isildur puts finger down. Isildur presses three.*

TS: Thank you for pressing three. You have indicated that your StabCo product may be malfunctioning. We at StabCo value the opinions of our customers, but regret to inform you that whatever the problem is, it was obviously caused by the user and is in no way connected to the faulty manufacturing process and therefore is not covered by warrantee. StabCo would also like to assure customers that our products are NOT made in Mordor sweat shops and that our employees are very happy and well paid. Anyone who argues with this fact shall be terminated. Thank you and have a nice day! And remember, at StabCo, our motto is "THE POINTY END GOES INTO THE OTHER GUY!"

Sauron: Hey, buddy, you wanna pick up the pace? I'm not going to stand here forever!

Isildur: *looks down at broken sword bits* Aw, MAN!

[The Perky Ent]

Elrond: Hello?
TS: Welcome to Aman Tech Support. My name is Glorfindel (no relation). How can I assist you today?
Elrond: Well...see...i'm on this ship
TS: Yes. we deal with ships a lot
Elrond: Right. Well, we're elves see, and we were on a ship to go back to our lands
TS: Yes?
Elrond: And...well....we just landed in this town. But...it's full of wargs and orcs
TS: Hmm...are all the passengers worthy of Valinor?
Elrond: I....dunno. We got a hobbit with us. Does that count?
TS: Hobbit? I'll have to check with my supervisor

~*~ Two hours later ~*~

TS: Hello?
Elrond: Yes?
TS: I talked to my supervisor. In a rare case like this, the hobbit is probably weighting you down from entering your peoples lands.
Elrond: Really?
TS: Yeah. Sorry about that. We're "aware" of the problem, and are "looking into" fixing it.
Elrond: Oh....ok. Thanks anyway
TS: No problem

*** HANG UP ****
Elrond: Um...Bilbo? Frodo?
Bilbo and Frodo: Yes?
Elrond: Um...look over there!
*Bilbo and Frodo look*
*Elrond ties them up, and throws them to the wargs*
*Lands suddenly morph into valinor*

[ElentariGreenleaf]

Hehe, why hasn't this been posted on in a while? Oh well.

TS = tech support


*after hours of ringing, the phone in answered*
TS: ME Tech Support.
Frodo: Yes I-
TS: For complaints about Balrogs having wings, press 1. For help related to non-war situations, press 2. For help related to the current war, press 3.

*Frodo presses 3, muttering something about "stupid automated replies"*

TS: You have selected 3, help related to the current war. Press 1 for help related to defending Rohan. Press 2 for help with finding missing Hobbits *Frodo looks shocked at this point*. Press 3 for help related to defending Gondor. Press 4 for help related to destroying ME. Press 5 for help related to detroying the ring of power.

*Frodo press 5*

Frodo: Why is my option always last?
TS: Because we're run by Sauron. Thank you for giving away your location. You can expect to be attacked by the Nazgul... now. Goodbye. *beep, hangs up*
Frodo: What the...?
*wraith noises in the distance*

[Morai]

Press 4 for help related to destroying ME.

Hehe...wonder how many times that number was pressed by accident. I wonder if by that point whether or not the phone self destructs.

[Valesse]

Automated Message: You've reached the SeeingStone service line. Please hold while an employee reconnects you.
Saruman: ...reconnects?

*click*

Saruman: ... (dials again)
Automated Message: You've reached the SeeingStone service line. Please hold until one of our technicians is able to answer your call. Your call is important to us! Someone will be by shortly...
(twenty minutes later)
Techie: Hello this is Jeremy, how can I help you?
Saruman: Thank Eru! Hello I'm having a problem with my palantir.
Techie: Pal..um..Alan..
Saruman: Palantir. It isn't focusing and the color fizzles a bunch...
Techie: ant...antier? Pal-alan-ant-antier... Let me see if we stock those.
Saruman: ...what do you mean stock those? Thats all you sell!
(Techie has left the phone... this becomes obvious after a few moments. Returns.)
Saruman sighs: Look I'm suppose to be in an Arda-Net meeting with a moody Maia in a few hours and I want to get this fixed ASAP.
Techie: I thought you said you had a pal-alan-ant-antier...
Saruman: ...What?
Techie: Thats what you said... You didn't mention anything about an "Asap", but since we're a company based on consumer service I'll go check in the back for you!
Saruman: NO! Quit that! I don't want anything checked! Just t--
Techie: Oh... alright then... it was a pleasure doing business with you!

*click*

Saruman: ...