Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Yes, Mithalwen, Gildor Inglorian (Ford Prefect's cohort) wrote just that entry of mine, of the Shire, that was indeed reduced to "Harmless" in the Third Age. Unfortunately, just after being revised to "Mostly Harmless" at the crowning of Elessar and the honoring of Frodo son of Arthur, the Shire was destroyed by Saruman the Vogon. Fortunately, the dolphins Galadriel and Celeborn had already supplied an unknowing Hobbit, Samwise, with the fishbowl containing magic dust and stuff to regrow the Shire. Afterwards, Gildor's entry was reinstated, after Frodo Dent wrote in to Elessar to complain.

Okay, this has come uncomfortably close to a parody. Yuck.

Shelob: If you're afraid of spiders, this is one creature that your indefagitable towel will certainly come in handy in covering your head(s) from. Watch out for the large sting on her tail end, and be sure to bring some Vicks Vapo Rub to put under your nose--Samwise Gamgee has given accounts of Shelob's stench, and apparently it would choke a Ringwraith's horse.

And foregoing the fact that I might resemble Arthur himself a little too much, what was wrong with Tom Bombadil's poetry? =D