Stuck in a boat

[Gothbogg the Ripper]

Question time, you're stuck in a boat with all the Lord of the Rings characters so naturally it's too heavy, you have to chuck 10 people overboard to their grizzly deaths, who do you get rid of?

[dancing spawn of ungoliant]

Whoa, a quite big boat one must have
Hmmm, let's see. Sauron goes first. A giant eye is way too boring company. Then goes our beloved balrog. Though if he promised to behave, I'd let him fly behind our boat (with his wings, you know ). Then I'll get rid of as many orcs I can. If they took a shower I might have to reconsider that. Otherwise Denethor goes (too grumpy...sorry Meela) and Shelob ofcourse because I'd just freak out if I had to travel with a huge spider and that wouldn't be very nice at all.

[Nimrodel_9]

Let`s see...where to begin? First would go cavetrolls (too big, but Ents can stay). Next would be Sauron (flames are much too hot!). Then balrogs, Denethor , orcs, spiders, and any other foul creatures. Not to mention the ring and Gollum. That would be more than 10, meaning more room for the rest of us!

[The Barrow-Wight]

We need to put some deep thought into this, because a sinking boat is a serious matter. Assuming we are talking about all characters mentioned in The Lord of the Rings, the obvious first one out of the boat is Drogo Baggins, followed closely by his wife, Primula. Those two are natural boat rockers (and heavy ones, at that). Next comes the ultimate boat rocker, Gandalf! With his penchant for causing trouble, he has got to go. After him goes Frodo, Bilbo, and Elrond, so that there is sure to be room on the ultimate trip to Aman. And just to make sure there is passage if I end up having to delay my journey, the other three Straight Path Boys go in the drink as well: Sam *splash* Legolas *splash* Gimli *splashhhhhhh*. Finally, Bergil gets pushed into the water, since he was a punk. Plus, Pippin slipped me 12 silver pennies.

Boromir, on the other hand, is a keeper, since he was able to keep a boat floating even after a tip over Rauros! And we can't toss Cirdan, since he's the one who knows the way to the Undying land. Also, Galadriel, Eowyn, and Arwen are welcome on my boat anytime

[Kransha]

I will take this in stride, I suppose.

Are we being SPECIFIC or GENERAL? There are quite a lot of characters in Tolkien's trilogy/hexology/book. I could simply get rid of Dunhere, Radbug, Beechbone, Muzgash, Galdor, Lagduf, Bain, Ingold, Folco Boffin, and Tolman Gardner. Nobody really cares that much about them, unless you're looking for petty, subtle symbolisms and nitpicking. Is there a requirement that we adhere to some master list of 'main' characters. Are we not, perhaps, being either discriminatory or semi-communist in our delusions, regardless of which way you look at the equation. I will pretend, despite all this, that this is not the topic of debate, and select some *ahem* 'main' characters to be cast into the obviously voracious waters.

Denethor: I love the character, in a friendly way, and find his persona intriguing, but pyromaniacs and wooden boats don't mix in the nautical profession. I suggest he be allowed to frolic in the ocean's depths. That'll teach him to play with fire.

Bert the Troll: Heavy, yes, but that is not my reason. Obviously someone so eager to eat would soon consume others on the boat. This simply can't go on. I mean, sooner or later, the rabid fellow might actually eat someone of importance to the marine cause, like Earendil the Mariner, Isengar the Likewise, and Cirdan, the Right-ship.

Tom Bombadil: We all know that the poets on Survivor are the first to go.

The Nazgul (I'll count them all as one): One ought not to have wraiths with an aversion to water and an emphatuation with soul-sucking on a boat either. Think of the plausible consequences. Not only is their movie patented Fran-Walsh-Screaming triggered whenever the water gets restless, but sooner or later some fine boaters might suddenly become a little under the weather, if you get my thrifty drift. No, no; no stab-happy Ringwraiths in MY ship, thank you very much.

Grima Wormtongue: Again, a character I love, but there's always that risk that he might get hungry. I'm not prejudiced because he's a dastardly, tongue-twirling villain, simply because his appetites are not quite to my 'taste' (Muahaha, I am Kransha the Mighty, Master of Pitifully Bad Jokes!).

Bergil: I run a shape-ship ship-shape, gentlemen. No Bergils (and when I say that, I mean, no BergilS, plural. One Bergil is allowed, just not the other, if there were two. Since there aren't two, none are allowed). I am wholly with Master B-W on this one. That punk couldn't hoist a mizzen if his pittance depended on it.

Bilbo Baggins: He did well in a barrel, but his boat-rocking is too revolutionary for me. Go back to the 40's (2940's), you rebel without a cause. I'm sure Frodo and the rest would miss him, but better to miss what's lost than join what's drowned, as they say in Numenor...and, trust me, I have less idea who 'they' are then you do.

Orc #567 (the one who 'turned Boromir's blade' in the Chambers of Mazarbul): He's just unnecessary. I'd hate to have to tell him that to his face, though. All he did was pove to us that mortality exists, and other hooplah to that effect. Apparently, my theoretic and philogical skills have dwindled or evaporated. Pity, that.

The Third Eagle: What good is a deus ex machina if he doesn't do anything?

Legolas: He may be light, have mad skillz with a bow and arrow, and have hair that could be debated until the cows come home, but NO ONE, and I repeat, NO ONE, needs a character who attracts rabid sea-fangirls from the dark and murky depths. As soon as ol' Greenleaf set foot in my meager craft, aquatic, mermaidery fangirls would already be swarming onto the vessel, weighing it down, and, by technicality, drowning us all. Thus, the math can be done. Legolas = fangirls, fangirls = doom (Fangirl Amarth, so called in Sindarin).

[Meneltarmacil]

Throwing Pippin overboard would do nothing to help the cause, as he'd just reappear back on the boat looking really confused. (Anybody else seen the New Movie Script? )

Tom Bombadil: We all know that the poets on Survivor are the first to go.

I agree. Tom Bombadil has to go, otherwise he'll keep repeating different variants of his songs and annoying everyone to the brink of suicide.

[Saraphim]

There's a very worn out question that everyone has asked or been asked at least once in a lifetime:

"If you were stranded on an island, who would you want there with you?" Or something to that effect.

So take into account that our little ship may not make it to Aman, since it is layered down with a multitude of characters. Then you would want the unpleasant characters (i.e. those who would: eat/torture the sanity out of/steal the soul of/kill you) to be pushed off the ship early in the journey, right?

Wrong. They are the ones you want on the theoretical island with you, because the tenacity of the "evil" characters would undoubtedly prevail on a deserted island, leading to a devious master plan to get off the island and on to Aman where the real fun can start! All you have to do is stay alive, sane, and hang on to your soul.

If you were with the "good" guys, yes, you would escape the island, but it would also take far too long and put you through much angst and pain.

So, in answer to the original question: all the good guys, even those whom we're not sure about, like Boromir.

Erestor gets to stay on because he has nice logic. A bit like mine...

[samwise8504]

1. Tom Bombadil: singing would get on my nerves.
2. cave troll: too much weight.
3. Bilbo: see how he likes been stuffed in a barrel and thrown in a river.
4. Elrond ( the movie elrond not the book): bet he wouldn't of destroyed the ring.
5. Denethor: for favouring Boromir.
6. Shelob: hate spiders.
7. The witchking: make glorfindels prophecy come untrue.
8. an eagle: what would be the point of them being on a boat when they can fly.
9. Pippin: for being a fool of a took.
10. Legolas: keep the fan girls at bay.

Does it have to be lord of the rings characters or anyone from the other books as well?

[mark12_30]

First, I remove Frodo's Mithril shirt from him. With a deft twist, I wrap it arund the Balrog's horns, and attatch it to the back of the boat. I kick the balrog overboard.

Legolas goes next, but he sits on the mithril shirt. His cries of "Ai! Ai!" agitate the balrog, and between the steam and the balrog's thrashings, we get where we're going very quickly indeed. On the way, Tom sings loudly enough to drown out Legolas, so eight more people jump off the boat in desperation. But we tie one end of Sam's rope to the stern, and all the overboarders catch on. So they suffer only from steam-burns.

Come to think of it, that might get nasty. I hope it's a long rope, Sam.

Soo--- where are we going?

[Oddwen]

And, however, you can't throw Déagol overboard, because he would undoubtedly sink to the bottom and come up with a ring. It's in his blood. Sméagol would haul him back up, kill him for the ring, and then hide in the hold. Then Bilbo (to escape keelhauling) would "accidentally" find his hiding place, steal this shiny ring, and then would hand it over to Frodo when it got too heavy, and then you'd have to take this long detour on a hopeless quest and totally forget about Aman until you're so weary that you actually need the place.
So...my advice would be to keep Déagol, toss Sméagol.

Of course if you toss Bergil, his distraught father would be so torn between his son and Lord Faramir, that he would throw the both of them into the sea. Be careful there.

Ents, being made of wood, can float, so you can probably float them alongside and use them like makeshift canoes.
But then again, Sméagol would probably hijack one of them and follow his "Precious" in the dark.

Plus, Pippin slipped me 12 silver pennies.

Which, no doubt, he aquired through the sale of some several ponies.

[Lhunardawen]

Off-topic:

Originally Posted by The Barrow-Wight

Also, Galadriel, Eowyn, and Arwen are welcome on my boat anytime

Mrs. Wight...

On-topic:
While I was contemplating on this dilemma, we heard a soft *splash*. "Oops," Frodo said, blushing with seeming embarassment. "Sam, I dropped the lembas." So Sam jumped out of the boat to retrieve the fallen package, silently cursing his master.

After a while, Frodo remembered Sam couldn't swim. Thinking him already drowned, Frodo weeped as he jumped out into the churning waters, realizing he could do nothing without Sam.

Merry and Pippin followed suit, as they didn't want to be left behind again, as they almost were in Rivendell.

Boromir remembered that the Ring is still with Frodo. So he jumps out, knowing he should get it at all costs. (But he has an ulterior motive. Au contraire, Mr. Barrow-Wight, Boromir wanted to know how it would feel if he was placed in an ordinary boat instead of one from Lothlorien.) So follows Denethor, for he favors his son so much. Faramir sees his father bringing the staff of stewardsip with him, so he jumps out to get it (the staff).

Eowyn, now being freed from her cage, follows Faramir in the name of love. Unfortunately, Aragorn has realized it is Eowyn he loves after all, so he jumps out after her. And so does Arwen, for obvious reasons. Then follows Elrond, to stop her fool-of-a-Halfelf daughter from going after the unwashed heir to the throne of Gondor.

Considering who are left with me in the boat, I proceed to jump out.

...Thankfully, Treebeard lost his balance and tilted, falling into the water. So we all ride on him. Hopefully someone knows the way to the Undying Lands...

Oh, look! Land ahoy!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Ok...

1) Legolas (Hopefully five tones worth of Fangirls will follow... should keep the boat nice and... unsinking?)

2) Aragorn (He can swim!)

3) WitchKing (He gave me a funny look)

4) Barliman Butterbur (He can't remember things very well, perhaps he can't remember how to swim.. hum...)

5) Sauron (His eye must be weighing down the boat, if not burning it)

6) Urukhi (For killing Sean Bean!)

7) Whoever built the boat (Should have made it carry more weight)

8) The Ring (Keeps getting heavier)

9) Ted Sandyman (He’s a BAD MAN... or Hobbit... or whatever)

10) (Film) Saruman, (He scares me with his dislocateable fingers... *Shiver*)

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Only 10? The mighty Rauros' hunger will not be satisfied! He'll eat us all!

*sigh* Oh, well. But I did warn you.

1-2. Elladan and Elrohir. If Bergil is a punk, then these two are the co-Kings of Punkdom. Remember the prank they pulled on Aragorn, the one involving the Paths of the Dead? I even begin to think they're the reason we're in this mess in the first place. Out they go.

3. Denethor. Kransha said it best:

. . . pyromaniacs and wooden boats don't mix in the nautical profession. (Kransha)

4. Balrog # 7. For the same reasons as above. Plus the wings take up too much space.

5. Oliphaunts. No offence, but they are heavy. Maybe if this was Elendil's boat we could have brought two of the creatures. But no. Not here.
Are they characters, hm?
Well, technically they played a role in the story.
But according to dictionary.com, character, definition 10.a. is:
"A person portrayed in an artistic piece, such as a drama or novel."
But an oliphaunt is not a person.
What then, is a person? It usually refers to a human being. So, orcs, trolls, Bombadils and Gimlis( ) should not be part of the list. But they are. So I'll include the oliphaunts, thank you very much.

Anywhen,
6. Gildor. Hey, he's a good guy. But Inglorion? Son of Inglor, which was the early name for Finrod, which is my father? Why, another Kin-Strife might occur. A Kin-Strife in a boat. Do you know how hard it is to clean blood off those hardwood floors?

7. The Dead Men of Dunharrow. Cool party dudes, but they scare the other passengers. Especially with their propensity to rush through ships and just look plain creepy. See? Those Corsairs are cowering in the corner! We need those Corsairs to row, and they won't work paralysed with fear! Deep-six them green slimies!

8-9. Bombur. I need the deck space. Move it!

10. Sauron. This is where I get petty and vindictive. He killed my father, then almost killed my future wife. I'll kill him anyway, so why not throw him overboard, and save me all the trouble?

I should have posted it a long time ago, but for a while, I didn't find a higher version of paint to convert .bmp to .jpg, which I need for this part.

I ask a certain Barrow-dweller to forgive me for questioning Bergil's punkness (punkicity?), which was revealed to now that it has been displayed in this forum. Look what he did to this poor guy!
He poked him in the eye and stood him on his head (or at least hung him upside-down.)

[THE Ka]

Hmm... This is going to be hard... Oh, well! To the mighty water ye go! You rubber necked chickens!


1. Orc #234 (Who are you again? Don't know and don't care!)

2. A random wight (Why do you even need a boatride?!)

3. Smag (you can fly, remember? so, get out. now.)

4. An Ent (You know, i would let you stay but, you can cross the river and not even get you knees wet... plus, you're talking to the boat and it's scaring people...)

5. Legolas (Ok, just act like one of those lizards that can walk across water... just take your wig's with you... they are taking up too much space. and i'm starting to smell like backstage so, take your perfume too...)

6. Turgon (Ok, and why are you here?)

7. Merry (If i remember, you can swim... so much for your boasting in lothlorien ... Even if you are my favorite hobbit, you have to go. No, i don't want a smoke...)

8. Aragorn (You know, i'd love to hear you're life's story but, you can swim. I hope.)

9. Gimli (Ok, it was nice meeting you to. go. and be sure to take Legolas' extra wig with you too. I know, but it's not my favorite colour. Trust me, it won't bite you... then pick it up by the tag!)

10. Gandalf (Ok, yes. I like philosophy too. what!? did you say Plato was on medication?! Ok, out! out now!)

<--- Gandalf's unfortunate end...

Well, let's see who does that leave...
...
Ok, i don't care i just got rid of 10. at least a couple of them will live so, i don't have to feel too guilty. At least i get to keep the disco king. But, he is going to have to scoot over for Hedwig... Disco meets glam... Hmm. what will happen? Plus, i guess there's me. So add Industrial goth rock to that...

~Stoic Ka~ hope you like...

[Trippo The Hippo]

1. Oliphaunts (They were taking up too much space, and maybe they will touch the bottom and we will be able to use them as some sort of bridge to safety.)

2a. Gimli (Hes a little too large and hes not really my kind of guy.)

2b. Gimli's precious 3 hairs (What can I say they were taking up too much space... and I have this funny image in my mind of Gimli sloshing around trying to save his own life as well as trying to find three hairs in this huge body of water.)

3. Tom Bombadil (I left him on long enough till he sang his song to banish the Barrow Wight, (Sorry Mr. Wight.) this way I got like a two for one. Then again how much mass and volume does a wight have?)

4. Sauron (Like everyone said who wants a giant flaming eye on their boat.)

5. Legolas (He probably wanted to wash his hair anyway.)

6. Grima (I have a feeling that by now Eowyn has jumped off the boat cause she can't take Grima stalking her all the time... so now its his turn to go.)

7. Faramir (He dove in after Eowyn... does that count?)

8. Gandalf (More on this later.)

9. Ulmo (If he cant get us out of this mess by now then he has to go.)

10. Me (I figure that I have offended one or another character by kicking off their friend, partner, lover, so I think that the probably would have formed a mutiny kicked me off and made Cirdan the captain.)

Now then why did Gandalf have to go. Well first off when we read Gothbogg the Rippers original post we deduce a few things,

Question time, you're stuck in a boat with all the Lord of the Rings characters so naturally it's too heavy, you have to chuck 10 people overboard to their grizzly deaths, who do you get rid of?

Apparently we are on a boat thats safe to assume, but to assume that we are on a body of water is a little bit of a stretch as far as I'm concerned. So the obvious solution was to just walk off the boat onto dry land, but Gothbogg and the rest of us here (myself included) seem to prefer grizzly death and I say to each his own. But Gandalf probably realized this loophole and took off... He does have a habit of hitting the road when the going gets tough right?

Trippo

[Morgul Queen]

Then follows Elrond, to stop her fool-of-a-Halfelf daughter

Has someone been watching a leetle too much 'Priscilla'?

1. Shelob. I hate spiders. Hate, hate, hate!!!!

2. Bombadil. I can't stand poetry at the best of times, let alone when I'm pushing for space at the Bow.

3. Legolas. What can I say? He irritates me. And it'll lead off the Fangirls.

4. Meela. So I can have Lord Denethor all too myself.

4.5. Aragorn. He irritates me.

5. Galadriel. A'cause I fangirl Celeborn.

6. Celebrian. A'cause I fangirl Elrond.

7. Goldberry. Hey? She can swim....right?

8. Arwen. Heck, she ain't even supposed to be here.

9. Faramir. See 8.

10. Eowyn. See 8.

I would get rid of the entire fellowship except merry, pippin, and Gimli. Also I'd throw out Wormtounge, Saurumon and Treebeard. Lastly and especially Boromir !!! Yes I am heartless so good day

[Formendacil]

Well, let's see...

Are we talking Movie characters? If so then:
Aragorn, because I hate his crown/sword/confidence mix-ups
Legolas (attracts too many fangirls)
Gimli (no comic relief in MY middle-earth)
Merry and Pippin (see previous reason)
Arwen (She killed Glorfindel )
Denethor (he's too psycho, too soon. Besides, what happened to his chainmail?)
Faramir, because he turned to the dark side....
That big Uruk, what's-his-name, the one who kills Boromir..... (Can't abide additional characters when you cut out so many real ones)

And I know this makes 11, but Merry and Pippin are small, so I'll chuck out Celeborn too. Whatever happened to the fearless Sinda prince, and Galadriel's partner/equal?


Now, if we're talking book....

Glorfindel (he's good at dying. Did it once in Gondolin, and again for the movies)
Goldberry. WHAT purpose does she serve in the plot? Besides, she makes it rain..
Gloin: Dwarves in a boat? Come on, not everybody's a Gimli.
Ted Sandyman: Never got his comeuppance in the book. It's about time!
Radagast: He didn't do his job. He's got to stay and finish it.
Gollum: Schitzophrenic, ugly, greedy, lived-WAY-too-long, almost-naked little bugger. Need I say more?
Cirdan: SOMEONE has to stay behind and make sure Radagast gets a ride later...
Sauron: He's just plain unpopular. Besides, the last time he took a boat ride, he sunk the island.
The Mouth of Sauron: Bad credentials, hangs out with orks, works for Sauron. The guy's practically a BUREAUCRAT, for Aman's sake!

[Catherine]

Hummm....lets see...Definatly keep Merry and Pippin for laughs, also Legolas, because I will need to use his hair products! I would want to get rid of 8 of the 9 nazgul...you never know when you are going to need one, but nine of them is way to much!! They could also take their big bird thingys with them. Lets see who else...Boromir because he dies in the end anyway and Gandalf, but his pointy hat would have to stay!

[Maeggaladiel]

Well, first I would throw out the Watcher in the Water, for obvious reasons. (Later we'll lure him back using Frodo as bait. Then we'll catch him and make beer-battered squid rings for dinner. See? MY crew won't be fed entirely on lembas!)

Then, I'm afraid Galadriel would have to go. There's only room for one psychotic elf woman on board, and that's me. Anyway, I'm sure the Barrow Wight can pick her up on his way over.

Same goes for Arwen.

Aragorn will bravely dive in after her. Well, he'll CONSIDER diving in after her, but will stop as soon as he sees that water is involved. Elrond, the future Father-In-Law, will kindly assist him (kick him in the shin until he falls in) and then conveniently forget to help him back in the boat. By this time, of course, the woman in question will have already been pulled aboard the B-W's ship with Galadriel, so Gorn is in something of a sticky situation.

After eating the squid rings, everyone will decide that they cannot stand watching Denny eat another thing, so over he goes. Faramir feels no remorse, since Dad never liked him anyway.

Frodo's constant pained monologuing gets on everyone's nerves, so he's dumped next.

Then it's Gandalf. He's constantly hitting people with his staff and calling them fools, so he basically had it coming. Oh well; he'll come back as Gandalf the Green in the sequel.

Smeagol has been trying to strangle everyone, so he's history. All we had to do is drop a ring in the sea and he went crazy. We didn't even have to throw him.

Sauron goes next because he's been staring at everyone and it's really creepy. Getting him over the side was something of a trick, since no one can touch a flaming eye. Eventually we got the balrog to roll him over the side. Unfortunately, he fell over with him in the process (well, actually Gandalf came back up for a second and we all know what happens when those two get together.) so we lost two people for the price of one.

Well, they sacrificed their lives for a worthy cause. My crew and I had a moment of silence for them. Then we changed course to Disco Mania and spent the rest of the afternoon shakin' it with the Disco King. We promptly used the rest of our money to buy a larger boat... wait... *slap*

[Morgoth's Apprentice]

Originally Posted by Formendacil

Sauron: He's just plain unpopular. Besides, the last time he took a boat ride, he sunk the island.

I thought that was hilarious. However, I would NOT kick Sauron out of the boat, because if he was evevn in a boat it would probably mean that he got a different form or something. Either that or he got the Ring back, in which case the boat would be going to take over Valinor...
Anyways, back on topic. I am going to use some other characters than movie characters.

1./ First to go would have to be Manwe... that dude just bugs me. Following him would be every one of the Valar, because they all like to play follow the leader.
2. Then, I'd have to kick off Feanor because he's griping about how we could have had better boats, and we all know how that turned out last time.
3. After that, I'd kick out Elrond and Galadriel. They're the two major elf-leaders, and all their people would probably jump in to save them anyways. Elf problem solved.
4. Then I'd be forced to kick out Frodo. The fellowship would follow him in because they can't think of anything else to do, or they all just want to go for a swim, or whatever.
5. Then I'd kick out Gollum, because he's creepier than any orc I have ever seen.
6. Speaking of orcs, they're gone too. They smell horrible, and there ar e much more useful servants anyways.
7. I'd make the Nazgul fly above us, just because they can.
8. Almost forgot about that pest called Fingolfin. He didn't jump out with the other elves like he was supposed to, so I borrowed Grond from Morgoth and smacked him with it.
9. Of course, those weapons are hard to control. I hit Morgoth and he flew out of the boat...but I think he can swim so we'll just pick him up later...
10. Last, I would have to kick out Denethor. A psychopathic pyro on a BOAT headed to take over the Undying Lands (did I say that out loud?) woukd not be a good idea. He'd probably try to roast somebody and in doing so catch the boat on fire. I for one do not want to swim to Valinor.....

[Eönwë]

Well, I'd follow Trippo The Hippo's lead, and just jump off onto dry land, along with Ulmo, Cirdan and a few others, oh, and Tom Bombadil. Then I'd get Tom Bombadil to make everyone on the boat disappear, and then Cirdan to improve it, and then Ulmo to make water appear so that we can return to Valinor.

But I suppose, being a Maia, I could just fly back (but thats just boring).

[Galadriel55]

1. The dead men of Dunharrow - they're dead anyways, so they won't die by drowning.

2. Nazgul - Not really alive either.

3. Sauron - Well, he's been through a Sea disaster once. It won't hurt him if he goes in it again.

4. Smaug - I'll let him fly after the boat if he'll stop getting mad at people for accidentally taking his cup.

5. Legolas - he can walk on snow, so maybe he'll walk on water.

6. Thranduil - to keep Legolas company.

7. Balrog - if he won't be able to fly after the boat, it's prove that he doesn't have wings. Just an experiment, you know.

8. Gandalf - what if he starts uncloaking on the boat?

9. Radagast - his eagles will save him.

10. Galadriel - with Nenya she'll be able to command the water to keep her afloat.


See, by throwing these out, we don't actually lose anything.