If LotR had been written by someone else!?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and George Orwell had already been done . . . Wait: I know he’s not a writer, but how about The Lord of the Rings by Peter Jackson?

Oh, brother.

Thought you wouldn’t like that. Oh, well . . .

The Voyage of Eärendil by Tom Clancy

“Talk to me, Randy,” said Eärendil to his sonarman.
“Possible contact bearing one-three-two,” Aerandir said quietly. His mind churned inside his cool demeanour. Who could be chasing them? “It sounds like a giant wave, or some disturbance on the surface of the water . . . ” They continued to look at the waterfall display, where the contact was displayed as a yellow dot slightly larger than the other specks in the black background. The dot grew to a splotch.
“Definite contact.” Aerandir pressed his earphones to his ears. “He just increased speed.”
The captain walked over to the intercom. “Mast room, all ahead full.”
“All ahead full, aye,” answered Erellont as he increased the sail’s surface area. Eärendil felt Vingilot surge as she accelerated to thirty knots.
“Target just increased speed! Range under one thousand yards!” the sonarman shouted.
“S***!” He walked back to the intercom. “Erellont! Increase to flank!”
“All ahead flank, aye.” It is not generally known that a ship sometimes exceeds its known maximum speed, due to unexpected engine efficiency or some other factor. In this case, the sails fully unfurled gave Vingilot an additional five knots of speed.
“Sir, the b****** just kicked full throttle! Estimate speed at forty knots.”
Eärendil rushed to the bridge. “Helsman, right full rudder!”
“Right full rudder, aye. No course given.” Falathar turned the control wheel all the way to the right. “Sir, my rudder is right full.”
“Bridge, sonar. Contact just turned to starboard . . . ” There was silence over the intercom for a few seconds. “New contact! Low frequency rumbling, bearing five degrees on either bow, three-five-five to zero-zero-five. Sounds like rocks crashing against each other.”
“That’s Helcaraxë. Ignore that for now. Tell me about our stalker.”
“Sir, range to target under five hundred yards.”
“Helm, left full rudder. Return to base course three-one-two.” He hoped to confuse their tail.
“Bridge, sonar. Contact matched our turn to port, and his speed increased to fifty knots. Range to target under one hundred yards!”
“Sound collision! Brace for impact!” shouted Eärendil as he left the bridge and rushed to the stern of the boat. He saw a giant wave bearing an illuminated figure. Before he could make out what it was, the wave crashed down on Vingilot, and Eärendil found the figure sitting atop him. It was Elwing, unconscious, with the Silmaril on her breast.

I'll be back with more, possibly an Alexandre Dumas fils.

Whatever. Just something we'd understand.

[Lobelia]

Lord of the Rings By Enid Blyton

"Oh, I do love the first day of the holidays!" said Aragorn. "What do you think we should do today, Boromir, old thing?"

Boromir looked thoughtful as the girls spread a blanket for their picnic. They were spending the holidays at Imladris and enjoying the view of the Rivendell Valley.

"We could investigate the Mystery of the Missing Ring," he suggested. "The police seem to think that horrid Sauron is after it."

"All right," agreed Aragorn. "We'll go down to the village after lunch. I say, Arwen, what's for lunch, by the way?"

Arwen opened the basket. "Lembas and boiled eggs," she said, "with tinned peaches from the Shire for dessert. And lashings of miruvor. I made the lembas myself."

"Mm, you'll make a wonderful housewife one day," Aragorn said happily. "Oh, I say, what a super blanket! Did you weave that?" It was black, with a white tree embroidered on it in diamonds. Arwen nodded shyly.

"Woof!" said Bill the pony.

Eowyn blushed. She'd always wanted a dog when she was growing up, but Uncle Theoden said they were too boyish. So she had to make do with a pony, but it was always embarrassing when he barked instead of neighing.

"Do be quiet, Bill!" she said. "I vote we go and save the world. Not today, though, it's going to rain."

"Good idea," said Aragorn. "It'll give me time to get Narsil re-forged. Pass the miruvor, Arwen old thing."

[Aldarion Elf-Friend]

This is a great thread. I'm glad I discovered it.

So, what if Terry Brooks wrote...

Oh, never mind...

[Lobelia]

Originally Posted by Aldarion Elf-Friend

This is a great thread. I'm glad I discovered it.

So, what if Terry Brooks wrote...

Oh, never mind...

LOL!
You cheeky person!

[Elven-Maiden]

This is my favourite book in all the world, though I have never read it.

How is such a thing possible? I'll do my best to explain.

The year that Bilbo Baggins left the shire, the most beautiful woman in the world was Gondorian scullery maid named Annette. Annette worked hard and in her spare time loved to play with the young prince Denethor. It did not escape the King's notice that someone extraordinary was polishing the pewter (only they didn't have pewter yet. More precisely, they had pewter, but it wasn't called "pewter"). The King's notice did not escape the notice of the Queen either, who was not very beautiful, not very rich, but plenty smart. The Queen set about studying Annette and shortly found her adversary's tragic flaw.

Llemba bread.

[Elven-Maiden]

2941 of the Third Age
WHAT WAS THEN HOBBITON

The intruder came from beyond. A powerful, celestial being, almost as old as the universe itself, he had been born in a vast cloud of ice, rocks, dust, and gas a thousand years before.

Bilbo Baggins owned the prestigious hobbit-hole at the base of the hill. To an outsider it looked like a old, run-down, uninteresting hole. But that was merely a clever disguise to keep would-be thieves out. Inside this hobbit-hole were rooms and rooms filled with antique automobiles, and wine cellars stocked with Bourbon, Cabernet Sauvignon, Dom Perignon, Ferri-Carano Siena, Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin Brut Champagne, Chardonnay, Sparr Pinot Noir and even Retsina, a fine old Greek wine.

Baggins was handsome, but not in the movie-star sense. He was tall for a hobbit, dark-haired and well-built, with deep green eyes and hairy feet. An urgent knock on the door interrupted his reverie. He downed his tequila and cocked his trusty old .45 caliber automatic Colt pistol.

He opened the door to his hobbit-hole and grinned as he recognised his old childhood pal, Gandalf the Gray.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

The Maia of Mt. Caradhras by Alexandre Dumas fils

Gandalf had returned to his house on the sixth level of Minas Tirith with Pippin, and was sitting alone wrapt in thought when the door suddenly opened. The Istar frowned.
“Ah, my Lord Denethor,” said Gandalf calmly.
“Yes, it is I,” said the Steward, with a dreadful contraction of the lips which prevented him from articulating clearly.
“I only seek to know now to what I owe the pleasure of seeing the Steward of Gondor at such an early hour,” continued Gandalf.
“You had a meeting with my son this morning, monsieur?”
“You knew about it?”
“I also know that my son had a very good reason to take the Ring, and to do his utmost to bring it to me.”
“He had, but you see that, notwithstanding these reasons, the Ring is still headed for Mt. Doom.”
“Yet he looked upon it as a weapon for our aid, and as a gift to win my heart.”
“That is true, monsieur,” said Gandalf, with dreadful calmness, “the secondary cause, but not the principal one.”
“No doubt the Halflings escaped his custody.”
“The Halflings he set free, and he even gave gifts before they left.”
“But to what do you attribute such conduct?”
“To conviction; probably he discovered there was more to it than taking the love you gave to a son whom you sent to death.”
“That may be, but you know that I would not have you stir the cup I have stirred for myself.”
“I know, and I expected all this.”
“You expected my son to be a coward?”
“Monsieur Faramir is not a coward!”
“A man who has a great weapon within his grasp is a coward if he does not take it. Oh, that my son Boromir may be there! He would have sent me a mighty gift.”
“I presume you have not come here to tell me your little family affairs,” replied Gandalf coldly. “Go and say that to Monsieur Faramir, perhaps he will know what answer to give you.”
“No, no, I have not come for that!” replied the Steward, with a smile which disappeared immediately. “I came to tell you that I know of your plans. Did you think that the eyes of the White Tower were blind?”
“Bah!” said Gandalf with exasperating coolness. “Are you not the son of Ecthelion who rejoiced at Thorongil’s departure? Are you not the Steward of the King of Gondor who used the palantír in his pride? Are you not the Lord of Minas Tirith who sent both his sons to danger? And have not all of these driven you to madness and despair, falling before your city is taken?”
“Villain! to reproach me thus!” cried the Steward. “I know well, demon that you are, that your hope is to rule in my stead, to stand behind every throne. I have read your mind and its policies. With the left hand you would use me for a while as a shield against Mordor, and with the right bring up this Ranger of the North to supplant me.
“But I say to you, Gandalf, I will not be your tool! I am a Steward of the House of Anárion. I will not bow to the last of a ragged house long bereft of lordship and dignity. Now it is the name of this upstart I wish to know, so that I may pronounce it before the men of Gondor when I reject his claim.”
One cloaked in grey came behind the Steward, and with his arms crossed, walked up to Denethor, who had wondered at this man wearing a green stone. On seeing him his teeth chattered, his legs gave way under him, and he stepped back until he found a table against which to lay his clenched hand for support.
“Denethor!” he cried, “I need but mention one of my many names to strike terror into your heart. But you guess this name, or rather you remember it, in the visions you received from the Seeing Stone, do you not? For in spite of all the hardships I endured, I show you to-day a man about to come into his own.”
With head thrown back and arms stretched out, the Steward stared against this terrible apparition in silence; then leaning against the wall for support he glided slowly along to the door through which he went out backwards, uttering but one distressing and piercing cry:
“Elessar!”
Just then two people were coming towards the house, and he had only just time to hide himself behind the open door. It was Faramir, leaning on Beregond’s arm. Beregond said:
“Come, my lord! The King is here.”
The words died away and the steps were lost in the distance. The Steward drew himself up, clinging to the walls with clenched hands, and the most terrible sob escaped him that ever came from the bosom of a father and a lord abandoned at the same time by his son and his subjects.
He went up to the seventh level of the City, and there he cast himself down the walls of the White Tower.

Wow. Movie ending.
Denethor is not like that!

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by Nilpaurion Felagund

The Voyage of Eärendil by Tom Clancy

“Talk to me, Randy,” said Eärendil to his sonarman.

Nilp: Brilliant. Three cheers.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

There have been some really nice things on this thread (also in its very beginnings ). I have been thinking about several like this as well, but this far I've written down just one - because it was the easiest (And I also know that at least some 'Downers around here might appreciate it...)

THE BRIDGE OF KHAZAD-DUM by Masashi Kishimoto

"Gandalf?"
"Huh? Oh..."
"..."
"...What is this feeling?"
This feeling... Could it be...
"Byakugan!
- Ai! Ai!!!"
"What - ?"
"Legolas! What do you see?"
"What an immense chakra..."
"What is that thing?"
"It's a Balrog!"
"Uh, Gandalf... a Bal... what?"
"A Balrog, Pippin. In ages long past, the Valar have destroyed the fortress of Angband in the country of ice far north. Among its denizens, there were demon beasts called Balrogs. One of them had escaped and hid here... he was sealed inside Moria. But the greedy Dwarves released him..."
"Uh... I see, Gandalf..."

"Roarrrrrrrrrrr!"
"Oh no! It's coming!"
"Run! Fly! Over the bridge!!!"
"No! I won't leave you here, Gandalf!"
"No, run, Aragorn!"
"I will not leave my comrades, Gandalf! Not any more! Not this time!"
"No, Aragorn! You must go!!!
...Take care of Frodo."
"... A-all right, Gandalf..."
"Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
"Gandalf!!!"
"You cannot pass!"
"Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!"
I will not last long. He is too powerful.
At this rate...
I have no choice. I have to use THAT...
"KATON: ANOR NO KOUEN!!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!"