Who Would Win?

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Choose a kind of contest and two characters from Middle-Earth to compete in it, and then explain who you think would win and why.

For example:

In a footrace between Frodo and Legolas, I think Frodo would win because he would never give up and keep going and going, despite the fact he had no hope of overcoming the swifter Elf, while Legolas would get distracted by the sight of seabirds, or run away at the first sight of a Balrog, or whitter away a century or so drifting through Fangorn listening to the trees.

In a belching contest between the Balrog and Smaug the Balrog would easily beat Smaug because it doesn't waste any breath on talking before doing something; Smaug would use up a lot of good gas trying to trash talk the Balrog.

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug the Balrog would also win because the Balrog has wings and they are much bigger than a dragon's.

In a potato growing contest between Sam and Yavanna Sam would win because he would be salivating at the thought of nice crispy chips while Yavanna would be more interested in making a potato without eyes or something.

In a beauty contest between Galadriel and Arwen Galadriel would win because nobody would remember that Arwen was even there (unless they'd seen the movie version, in which case Arwen would win because she'd inexplicably whip out a sword and threaten the audience).

In a long distance spitting contest between Sauron and Gandalf, Sauron would win because Gandalf would have the good sense to let him.

And finally. . .

In a hard body contest between Aragorn and Legolas, Aragorn would win because Elves are sissies!

(Apologies if this has been done before -- I swear that I looked and looked but I could not find anything like this. If it has been done before then *&!@*%^&$#!!! )

[the phantom]

In an orc slaying contest between Turin and Hurin Hurin wins in a landslide because orcs, as we know, seem to always flee from Turin and his black sword. By the time Turin has chased down a few, his daddy has killed seventy or so. But Turin redeems himself by defeating his father in an orc scaring contest. He is rewarded with a long, steamy victory-kiss from his sister.

In a talking contest between Glaurung and Smaug, Smaug takes an early lead with idle chatter and small-talk, but Glaurung proves he's the dragon-daddy and busts out with some nasty curses and fiendish put-downs. But Smaug evens the score in a flying contest. From just high enough to be out of range of Glaurung's fiery breath, Smaug taunts the wingless dragon- "You're an out-dated model!"..."Real dragons have wings!"... and of course "Attercop!" and "Tomnoddy!"

[The Only Real Estel]

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug Smaug would win because Balrogs, of course, have no wings .

In a staff fighting contest between Saruman & Gandalf Saruman would win because Gandalf would let him, knowing he could just get another later. And another and another...

[Nimrodel_9]

In a wheel-barrow race between teams Legolas/Pippin, and Merry/Aragorn

Team Merry/Aragorn would win because Legolas would be too terrified to touch Pippin`s hairy-hobbit-feet.

[Lachwen]

In a staring contest between Aragorn and Sauron; Sauron wins, of course, because he's a giant eye: probably doesn't even have eyelids.

In a beauty contest between Gimli and Boromir; Gimli wins because he actually washes his hair.

In a tree-climbing contest between Sam and Gollum; Sam wins, despite his inbred fear of heights, because Gollum says the tree smells like Elves and leaves to wash his hands.

In an arm-wrestling contest between the Witch-king and Merry; Merry wins by distracting the Witch-king with a sword to the back of the knee.

In an archery contest between Legolas and Lachwen; Lachwen wins because Legolas plucks like a biznatch.

[Lalwendë]

In a welly throwing competition * between Tom Bombadil and Strider, which would of course be held at the Prancing Pony Beer Festival and Family Fun Day on Wedmath Holiday Monday, then the competition would be closely fought. Tom's infamous yellow boot would speed through the air aided by the sneaky workings of Goldberry, who would charm the breeze to better propel the boot. But Strider, with his 'high boots of supple leather' would have the advantage of greater height and a longer reach. Ultimately, the layers of mud caking Strider's boot would take away any advantage he gained, by reducing the aerodynamic properties of the said item. Many cheers all round for Tom Bombadil as he aces the competition and then proceeds to spend the rest of the day in draining the last barrel of Old Hobgoblin dry.

*Welly throwing is a very silly competitive game which will be familiar to UK readers of a certain age and background...