Defective Weapons Inc.

[Nimrothiel]

Another Monty Python one! (Rather condensed and altered due to poor memory).

*scene: Mordor; the highest room in the tallest tower...whoops, how'd that get in there? Frodo is being questioned by an orc*

Orc: "Why did you come here? What were you doing? Were you alone? Did you take the rest of last night's slop?"

Frodo: "Stop it! I don't know, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!"

*door is flung open; three dubious looking characters enter*

Cardinal #1: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, terror...er, wait..um, well, nobody expects it!"

Orc: "How convenient, now I can have an early lunch." *leaves*

Cardinal #1: "Now halfling, confess!"

Frodo: "What?"

Cardinal #2: "Confess!"

Frodo: "Confess what?"

Cardinal #1: "Of your crimes to the church!"

Frodo: "What church?"

Cardinal #1: "The Catholic church of course! Now confess!"

Frodo: "But I haven't done anything!"

Cardinals (chanting) : "Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Frodo: "I won't confess to something I haven't done!"

Cardinal #1: "Stubborn, eh? Cardinal Fang, bring in...the fluffy cushions!"

*Cardinal #3 leaves and returns with three sofa cushions*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess!"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1: "Very well, then we will have to poke you with the fluffy cushions until you confess!"

*Cardinals proceed to poke Frodo with cushions; the seams split and stuffing spills out*

Cardinal #1: "Drat! Will you confess?"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1 to Cardinal #2: "Bring in...the comfy chair!"

Cardinal #2 (horrified) : "The comfy chair?!"

*leaves and brings in a comfy looking armchair*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess or you will be forced to sit in...the comfy chair!"

Frodo: "I won't confess until you tell me what the hell is going on here!"

Cardinal #1: "Because you will not confess you must sit in the comfy chair until you do!"

*pushes Frodo onto chair; Frodo begins to bounce up and down on the seat, the chair breaks*

Cardinal #1: "Bloody hell!"