New Movie Script

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!

NF: Oh, look. He's back. *yawns*

A million flamingoes rush at NF.

NF: Ouch. *his hand stretches upward, clutching a folder.* I've got the next part.

Menel: Finally. *grabs the folder from NF's hand.*

NF: I'm sorry it's late. An op had gone bad and . . .

Odd: Liar.

NF: What?

Menel: You spent your weekend trying to perfect your Lego army so you could beat your little brothers at Lego wars.

NF: How did you--

Odd: And after that, you watched Dante's Peak, then Roman Holiday, just to find something to post on the Mixed up Movies Game. You didn't even do your Physics homework.

NF: What--

Odd: You procrastinate so much, it isn't even funny.

NF: *cringe* . . . wait, how d'you know?

Menel: We have our sources . . . *opens the folder*
__________________

The battle continues at Helm's Deep. The army of Isengard appears to be winning. Théoden looks on from the Keep. Of course. He's a chicken.

But enough of them. Let's check the shindig . . . I mean the refugees at Aglarond.

Women: The men are away! Slumber party!

Freda: No more pizza! Mom ate 'em all!

Women: *groan*

Meanwhile . . .

Théoden: Fall back!

Many men jump from the wall. Of course, they died.

Théoden: I mean RETREAT!!!

Rohirrim: Oh.

Aragorn: Théoden's chicken! Don't retreat!

Rohirrim: Sorry. We're outta here.

Aragorn: Hmph.

He notices Haldir still fighting on top of the remnants of the Deeping Wall.

Aragorn: Haldir's alive!

Haldir was slashed in the back - stupid PJ . . .

Haldir: I knew something bad would happen to me when I join that filthy Ranger. *dies*

Aragorn: Or maybe not.

Gimli: Was that in the book?

Aragorn: No.

Gimli: Were the Elves supposed to be here?

Aragorn: Not that I know of . . . no, I guess.

Gimli: OK.

They just stand there stupidly, watching the Orcs kill all the other Elves.

Uruk 1: Non-canonical! *slash*

Elf: It's not our fault! Blame PJ! *dies*

The Uruks are using a whisk broom to break the gate.

Rohirrim: Hey, ugly! That's not the way to break a gate!

The Uruks break through the gate.

Rohirrim: Or maybe not. *an Orc shoots him*

Théoden: To the gate! Draw your swords.

Gamling: Well, this is interesting . . .

Théoden goes to the wall. An Uruk stabs him with a spear. He dies.

Gamling: Wait, this isn't how it's supposed to happen . . . *leafs through script* Hmmm . . .

Gamling pulls Théoden is back to safety.

Gamling: I'm supposed to say "I love you", but I don't. *kiss*

Théoden: Blech. *wipes his mouth* What was that for?

Gamling: Errr . . .

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn rush up the stairs and up to the gate.

Legolas: Whew! Shield-surfing is tiring!

Gimli: You think that's tiring? Try standing around doing nothing.

Théoden:What happened to the Elves?

Aragorn: They're all dead.

Théoden: Wanna join then?

Aragorn: Sure! Gimli!

[Who needs a parody when you could have the entire "Toss me" conversation?]

Aragorn and Gimli appear outside the fortress near the top of the causeway. They look down on the Uruks fighting at the gate.

Gimli (peering around Aragorn): Ah! Come on! We can take 'em.

Aragorn: It's a long way.

Gimli checks the distance and considers his options.

Gimli: Toss me.

Aragorn: What? *arches an eyebrow*

Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me.

Aragorn reaches for him.

Gimli: Don't tell the elf.

Aragorn: Not a word. *fingers crossed*

Aragorn tosses Gimli to the causeway into the Uruks. Gimli gives a battle cry. Aragorn jumps to the causeway with a cry of his own. And no, they don't fall down.

Théoden: Let's get outta here!

Gamling: How about the gate?

Théoden: Well . . . I'll guess we'll have to fix it first.

The gate is repaired . . . with paper? Huh. Good luck.

Théoden: Gimli! Aragorn! Good bye!

He fits in a last board.

Uruk 2: What is it? What do you smell?

Uruk 3: *sniff sniff* MANPADS.

[MANPADS=Man-portable Air Defence System. The RPG, although technically an anti-tank weapon, is sometimes used against aircraft.]

Legolas: Aragorn! *throws down rope.*

An RPG is launched. Legolas looks up.

Legolas: RPG!!!™ *loses balance* Aaah!!!

Boromir emerges from the gate, and catches Legolas

Boromir: Heeere's Johnny!

Théoden: He wrecked the gate!

Gamling: Back to work, guys.

As he sets Legolas down, Boromir loses his balance. He'll be shish-kebabed by the Orcs! HE'LL BE SHISH-KEBABED BY THE ORCS!!!

The Orcs move away.

Boromir: Ouch.

Legolas: Boromir's dead! Again!

Boromir: I'm not dead!

Legolas: Boromir's dying!

Boromir: I'm perfectly fine!

The Uruks move back in place, stepping over him.

Boromir: Ow!

Aragorn: Don't worry. He'll be back in time for RotK.

Théoden: There's a moral in this scene . . . somewhere . . .