ME jokes and funny stories

[Evisse the Blue]

LOL! and the first one as a contribution to the thread Mysterious 10th Bearer. As in- Bilbo replaced the Ring with a fake one when he changed the chain in Rivendell. Aw, people, don't roll your eyes!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Heres a bad one;
What is Dearon's favorate sweet (candy for all you americans out there)
Minstrels!

[Morsul the Dark]

Here is my super-sad joke

Whats Gamling's hobby?

Gambling....

How did Gandalf the grey become gandalf the white?
He finally decided to wash the dirt of his cloak

another dumb one

how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

[HerenIstarion]

Two orks in Mordor

O1: It's quite boring down here
O2: Why won't we have fun with that hairy-feet halfling in the dungeon, than?
O1: Can't. The wretched rat dug up too many holes down there, no way of finding him. Says holes make him feel comfortable, dratted rabbit!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

There stood the trolls: three large trolls. One was stooping, and the other stood staring at him.
Strider walked forward unconcernedly. "Get up, old stone!" he said, and broke his stick upon the stooping troll.
"Ouch. That hurts," said the stricken troll, and he turned towards Strider. "What did you do that for?"
The Ranger was flabbergasted. "How could you . . . " he stammered, as he pointed towards the sun.
"We're Olog-hai. Duh!" Then turning to his companions he said, "Guys, bring out the dough. We're having burrahobbit pie with roasted ranger on the side."

THE END???

Wow. That was disconcerting.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Here's one I thought up long ago.

What if Frodo was brought before Sauron?

Sauron was pacing the room, evidently annoyed at Frodo's defiant silence. "So! You refuse to speak before my dark majesty, halfling? Let us change that, then." However, he did not notice that a black scarf effectively prevented Frodo from articulating.

"Sir . . . " the Mouth of Sauron began, trembling, "if I may say so before Your Eternal Evil . . . "

"WHAT?!" boomed Sauron. "Speak!"

"I think the gag hinders his attempts at communication."

"Hmmm . . . yes. Remove it, then." The order was carried out with promptness that would have impressed Gandalf--never late, never early he is, right?

"Now, rat, speak! Where is . . . my preciousssss?"

"Ummm . . . your fly is open?" Frodo responded with what dignity left to him by his . . . erm . . . naked position?

"Haha. We Dark Lords never had flies. And add to that the fact that the zipper wasn't even invented yet. Now cut the crap and tell me where the noisy--yet irresistable--thing is, you
. . . "

Before Sauron could finish his derogative statement, Shelob, alerted to the presence of free repast, rushed to Barad-dûr at high speed, and climbed the high tower with ease. There, she broke the walls that protected the interrogation room. She snatched Sauron, then wrapped her in web before anyone in the room could say "The spiders are coming!"

Having finished incapacitating the Abhorred One, she returned to her lair. All in the room stood in utter silence, not so much in shock, but in fear that if anyone laughed, Sauron might come back to punish them.

But, seeing that Sauron would never return, all in the chamber began to roll in laughter.

"'Your fly is open.' Frodo, that's a good one!" the Mouth of Sauron managed to say between convulsive fits of laughter.

"Well, that was entertaining!" Ungoliant responded, as she put down the book she was reading, aptly titled How Shelob Brought Sauron Down.

I metta.

[Boromir88]

Denethor putting baby Boromir to bed....

Denethor: Let me sing you a lullaby.

Rock a by baby on the White tower...

(baby Faramir starts crying).
Denethor: Shut up and go to sleep, stupid wanton.

[Boromir88]

Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few...

(At the Black Gates)
Aragorn: Give us the gate key.
Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key.
Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms.
Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key.

-----------

Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

----------
(Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk)

(Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.)
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross.
Lurtz: Then you must die.
(Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm)
Aragorn: You are beaten.
Lurtz: Tis only a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off!
Lurtz: I've had worse.
Aragorn: you've had...
(They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg.
Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.)
Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Come on you panzy!
(They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.)
Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me?
Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs!
Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.)
Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off!

I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me

[HerenIstarion]

Sam in Golden Perch:

Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir?
Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose...
Sam: Very well , pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please!

[The Elf-warrior]

One of the ways Grima Wormtongue gained favor with Theoden was that he would often point out that gas was cheaper at such and such place while traveling in the royal van.

[Morsul the Dark]

Originally Posted by Morsul the Dark

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

I like this joke still

[Pitchwife]

Originally Posted by Morsul

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

You know what, this is subtler than it looks - all you have to do is read it aloud!

[The Might]

Another funny one I just found with StumbleUpon, and it happens to again be Gandalf and the balrog... seems this is all that most people remember.

[The Perky Ent]

Good ones! Here's another:

Feanor: If you must break it, do it. But know I will kill myself and be the first of the Eldar to die
Manwe: Not the first
Feanor: What do you mean, not the first?
Manwe: You'll be the 23ed to spill your blood.
Feanor: Who died?
Manwe: Tons of elves at Formenos! Didn't you hear? The stock market collasped. Everyone was invested in SIL, and when Morgoth took the simarils, it crashed. There's been 21 suicides.
Feanor: 21? Who's the other person that died?
Manwe: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, your father died
Feanor: Morgoth! I'll kill him!
Manwe: Actually, he had a heart attack. Bad Cholesterol. Shame really
Feanor: This is turing out to be a really bad day

[HerenIstarion]

The Doors of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. Speak, foe, and clear off! Your pathetic incantations are pestering!

[The Perky Ent]

Or how about

The Walls of Isildur, Lord of Minas Tirith, speak seven, and enter

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

"In case you haven't noticed, you've got an arrow sticking out your back."

Ouch.

[The Perky Ent]

Seriously.


New Entry!

Luthien: Please bring Beren and me back to life!
Mandos: Hmm...I'm gonna have to ask my manager on that one. One sec
*goes into back room*
Mandos: Let's see here, where did I put that manuel. Hmm...ah! Here it is! Right under Gardening for dummies! I forgot to give that back to Lorien. Now, let's see here. Reviving the dead...reviving the dead....here! Let's see, you're gonna have to sing me a song!
Luthien: No problem! Here's we go....*voice cracks and is mute*
Mandos: Whadayaknow! Larengitis! How's that for luck. Well, call me if that ever goes away, but I doubt it. Thanks for comming. Do stop by again!
*Luthien gestures to manuel*
Mandos: What about the manuel? Something about Larengitis? Let's see...in the case that said reviver cannot sing, said person will be compensated with one soul
Luthien: *inaudible speak*
Mandos: So, who's it gonna be?
*Luthien tries to say Beren*
Mandos: What's that? Carcharoth, you say? Well ok! It's your life!
Carcharoth: Well, if it helps....you can have his hand?
Luthien: *nods*

After they all lived (after making some adjustments) happily ever after!

[The Perky Ent]

Balrog: Roar! I shall kill you with my fiery fire!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire!
Balrog: Secret fire?
Gandalf: Weilder of the flame of Anor
Balrog: Flame of Anor?
Gandalf: The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun?
Balrog: It won't? Ok!
*Balrog walks away*


Director: Cut! Cut! Balrog! You're suppost to try to use the fire anyways!
Balrog: But I thought he said?
Director: Never mind what he said! Just do it!
Balrod: But what about all that secret fire stuff? He sounds like a better fire person than me!
Director: Well...uh...just get back in place! TAKE 2
Assistant: This is Bridge of Khazad-dum! Take 2! Marker!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire! Weilder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: Oh yeah? Take this!
Gandalf: *summons shield*
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
*Balrog steps and Bridge breaks*
Balrog: Ha! I have wings! I can fly!
Director: Actually, the majority says that you have wings but can't fly
Balrog: Well that sucks.....

that was super funny

[The Perky Ent]

Why thank you very much MasterKiller

[The Perky Ent]

Saruman: I created the Uruk-hai! I am all powerful! I have a big ego problem! Minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known, send in Lurtz!
Orcs: Yes master! *walks out* I don't know why I signed up for this! You don't have to put up for this in Mordor! Well Lurtz, Saruman wants you!
Lurtz: Ok, thanks! *kills minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known* You wanted to see me?
Saruman: It's time for your daily stamping and brain-washing! Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: I serve myself! Don't even try to stamp me! I'm a mercinary now, and I listen to no one!
Saruman: Fool! Obey me! *hits Lurts with staff*
Lurtz: I dare you to do that one more time...
Saruman: *takes a step foward*


How's that for a cliff-hanger?!?

[Urwen]

In Gondolin....

Turgon: Welcome, kinsman, for I consider thou as such.

Eol(makes fishy noises,then...)

Eol: I don't care about you! I came to drag my wife and son back!

Turgon: So you love my sister and nephew?

Eol: Not exactly...Aredhel and Maeglin stole Anguirel...You know how it is...


(Turgon, Aredhel and Maeglin roll their eyes. Eol smiles victoriously.)

[narfforc]

How many Istari does it take to change a light bulb?......................It would depend on what they were trying to change it into.

[Urwen]

See this:

Somwhere in Beleriand, two people are talking.

"You know poor Gorlim?", asked one.
"Indeed.", answered his companion.
"Well,he covered Sauron with blood.Blood that came out of him when Sauron killed him."
"And?"
"And every woman from Middle earth, including Sauron's wife and Eilinel,squaled with laughter!"

[Urwen]

A small puppy was seen. People shrieked asking each other who its owner was. Finally,after six years of searchig,the owner was found. It was Celegorm....

[narfforc]

What sort of bread do hobbits like.............................................. ...........shortbread

[narfforc]

What would you call a noldo in Texas....................................Gnome on the Range.

Great shortest jokes.

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, ****. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf’s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf’s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf’s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You’re trying to escape, aren’t you?"

I'm feeling very creative today, you know...

[Galadriel55]

And when this new star was seen at evening, Maedhros spoke to Maglor his brother, and he said: "Surely that is a Silmaril that shines now in the West?"

And Maglor answered: "No, stupid! It's an airplane!"


~~~


Pippin looked in the Palantir and was trapped by Sauron, and Sauron told him that to escape he has to answer three questions. Pippin, seeing no other way, agreed. So Sauron began to ask him things:

S: Where did Beren see Luthien for the first time?

P: In Doriath.

S: What does Gollum call the Ruling Ring?

P: My preciouss.

S: How many stars did Varda place on the sky?

P: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

Since Pippin answered all three correctly (to his big surprise and relief) Sauron let him go. On the morning he came to Aragorn and told him that it's ok to look in the palantir as long as you can answer Sauron's questions. "Just answer him In Doriath, my precious, and the lore-masters haven't determined yet - in that order," Pippin told him. So when opportunity arose Aragorn took the palantir and looked inside. "Well met, Aragorn son of Arathorn!" said Sauron. "Answer my 3 questions if you wish to remain the same man ever again!"

S: Where is your kingdom, Lord of the Dunedain?

A: In Doriath.

S: Who told you that?

A: My precious.

S: Are you an idiot?!

A: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

[Galadriel55]

Sam: Legolas, tell me, can Oliphaunts fly?

Legolas: No Sam.

Sam: Gandalf said they could.

Legolas (scratches head): Well, then they fly, but very very low...


~~~


Bilbo and Gollum are playing the riddle game. Gollum starts:
-Once upon a time there were two fell beasts, one black and another to the north. How old am I?
-100 years old.
-How do you know?
-Half a century ago they were saying that you're half cracked...


~~~


What do you call a swarthy man with slanted eyes who looks half an orc?

His name, of course! Don't be racist!