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Old 08-09-2004, 04:48 AM   #1
Evisse the Blue
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LOL! and the first one as a contribution to the thread Mysterious 10th Bearer. As in- Bilbo replaced the Ring with a fake one when he changed the chain in Rivendell. Aw, people, don't roll your eyes!
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:24 PM   #2
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Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
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Heres a bad one;
What is Dearon's favorate sweet (candy for all you americans out there)
Minstrels!
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:31 PM   #3
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Here is my super-sad joke

Whats Gamling's hobby?

Gambling....

How did Gandalf the grey become gandalf the white?
He finally decided to wash the dirt of his cloak

another dumb one

how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:46 PM   #4
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Keep coming, folks

Two orks in Mordor

O1: It's quite boring down here
O2: Why won't we have fun with that hairy-feet halfling in the dungeon, than?
O1: Can't. The wretched rat dug up too many holes down there, no way of finding him. Says holes make him feel comfortable, dratted rabbit!
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Old 09-10-2004, 11:13 PM   #5
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Narya From the current "Chapter-by-Chapter" Chapter . . .

Quote:
There stood the trolls: three large trolls. One was stooping, and the other stood staring at him.
Strider walked forward unconcernedly. "Get up, old stone!" he said, and broke his stick upon the stooping troll.
"Ouch. That hurts," said the stricken troll, and he turned towards Strider. "What did you do that for?"
The Ranger was flabbergasted. "How could you . . . " he stammered, as he pointed towards the sun.
"We're Olog-hai. Duh!" Then turning to his companions he said, "Guys, bring out the dough. We're having burrahobbit pie with roasted ranger on the side."

THE END???
Wow. That was disconcerting.
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Old 12-13-2004, 03:15 AM   #6
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Question Hehe.

Here's one I thought up long ago.
What if Frodo was brought before Sauron?

Sauron was pacing the room, evidently annoyed at Frodo's defiant silence. "So! You refuse to speak before my dark majesty, halfling? Let us change that, then." However, he did not notice that a black scarf effectively prevented Frodo from articulating.

"Sir . . . " the Mouth of Sauron began, trembling, "if I may say so before Your Eternal Evil . . . "

"WHAT?!" boomed Sauron. "Speak!"

"I think the gag hinders his attempts at communication."

"Hmmm . . . yes. Remove it, then." The order was carried out with promptness that would have impressed Gandalf--never late, never early he is, right?

"Now, rat, speak! Where is . . . my preciousssss?"

"Ummm . . . your fly is open?" Frodo responded with what dignity left to him by his . . . erm . . . naked position?

"Haha. We Dark Lords never had flies. And add to that the fact that the zipper wasn't even invented yet. Now cut the crap and tell me where the noisy--yet irresistable--thing is, you
. . . "

Before Sauron could finish his derogative statement, Shelob, alerted to the presence of free repast, rushed to Barad-dûr at high speed, and climbed the high tower with ease. There, she broke the walls that protected the interrogation room. She snatched Sauron, then wrapped her in web before anyone in the room could say "The spiders are coming!"

Having finished incapacitating the Abhorred One, she returned to her lair. All in the room stood in utter silence, not so much in shock, but in fear that if anyone laughed, Sauron might come back to punish them.

But, seeing that Sauron would never return, all in the chamber began to roll in laughter.

"'Your fly is open.' Frodo, that's a good one!" the Mouth of Sauron managed to say between convulsive fits of laughter.

"Well, that was entertaining!" Ungoliant responded, as she put down the book she was reading, aptly titled How Shelob Brought Sauron Down.

I metta.
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Old 12-15-2004, 12:59 PM   #7
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Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.
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1420!

Denethor putting baby Boromir to bed....

Denethor: Let me sing you a lullaby.
Rock a by baby on the White tower...
(baby Faramir starts crying).
Denethor: Shut up and go to sleep, stupid wanton.
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Old 12-15-2004, 01:46 PM   #8
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Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few...

(At the Black Gates)
Aragorn: Give us the gate key.
Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key.
Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms.
Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key.

-----------

Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

----------
(Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk)

(Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.)
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross.
Lurtz: Then you must die.
(Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm)
Aragorn: You are beaten.
Lurtz: Tis only a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off!
Lurtz: I've had worse.
Aragorn: you've had...
(They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg.
Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.)

Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Come on you panzy!
(They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.)
Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me?
Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs!
Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.)
Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off!

I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me
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Old 02-17-2005, 04:05 AM   #9
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after a break...

Sam in Golden Perch:

Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir?
Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose...
Sam: Very well , pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please!
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Old 10-22-2005, 08:19 PM   #10
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One of the ways Grima Wormtongue gained favor with Theoden was that he would often point out that gas was cheaper at such and such place while traveling in the royal van.
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Old 04-11-2010, 02:23 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morsul the Dark View Post
Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole)
hahahaha i tried
I like this joke still
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Old 04-11-2010, 02:48 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morsul
Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole)
hahahaha i tried
You know what, this is subtler than it looks - all you have to do is read it aloud!
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Old 04-12-2010, 02:14 PM   #13
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Another funny one I just found with StumbleUpon, and it happens to again be Gandalf and the balrog... seems this is all that most people remember.

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Old 08-10-2004, 09:00 PM   #14
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White Tree

Good ones! Here's another:

Feanor: If you must break it, do it. But know I will kill myself and be the first of the Eldar to die
Manwe: Not the first
Feanor: What do you mean, not the first?
Manwe: You'll be the 23ed to spill your blood.
Feanor: Who died?
Manwe: Tons of elves at Formenos! Didn't you hear? The stock market collasped. Everyone was invested in SIL, and when Morgoth took the simarils, it crashed. There's been 21 suicides.
Feanor: 21? Who's the other person that died?
Manwe: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, your father died
Feanor: Morgoth! I'll kill him!
Manwe: Actually, he had a heart attack. Bad Cholesterol. Shame really
Feanor: This is turing out to be a really bad day
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 08-12-2004, 04:48 AM   #15
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The Doors of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. Speak, foe, and clear off! Your pathetic incantations are pestering!
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Old 08-12-2004, 09:11 AM   #16
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White Tree

Or how about

The Walls of Isildur, Lord of Minas Tirith, speak seven, and enter
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 08-12-2004, 11:37 PM   #17
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Narya Sign at the Doors of Felagund (after Finrod, before Túrin)

"In case you haven't noticed, you've got an arrow sticking out your back."

Ouch.
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Old 08-13-2004, 11:40 PM   #18
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White Tree

Seriously.


New Entry!

Luthien: Please bring Beren and me back to life!
Mandos: Hmm...I'm gonna have to ask my manager on that one. One sec
*goes into back room*
Mandos: Let's see here, where did I put that manuel. Hmm...ah! Here it is! Right under Gardening for dummies! I forgot to give that back to Lorien. Now, let's see here. Reviving the dead...reviving the dead....here! Let's see, you're gonna have to sing me a song!
Luthien: No problem! Here's we go....*voice cracks and is mute*
Mandos: Whadayaknow! Larengitis! How's that for luck. Well, call me if that ever goes away, but I doubt it. Thanks for comming. Do stop by again!
*Luthien gestures to manuel*
Mandos: What about the manuel? Something about Larengitis? Let's see...in the case that said reviver cannot sing, said person will be compensated with one soul
Luthien: *inaudible speak*
Mandos: So, who's it gonna be?
*Luthien tries to say Beren*
Mandos: What's that? Carcharoth, you say? Well ok! It's your life!
Carcharoth: Well, if it helps....you can have his hand?
Luthien: *nods*

After they all lived (after making some adjustments) happily ever after!
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 09-06-2004, 03:53 PM   #19
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Balrog: Roar! I shall kill you with my fiery fire!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire!
Balrog: Secret fire?
Gandalf: Weilder of the flame of Anor
Balrog: Flame of Anor?
Gandalf: The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun?
Balrog: It won't? Ok!
*Balrog walks away*


Director: Cut! Cut! Balrog! You're suppost to try to use the fire anyways!
Balrog: But I thought he said?
Director: Never mind what he said! Just do it!
Balrod: But what about all that secret fire stuff? He sounds like a better fire person than me!
Director: Well...uh...just get back in place! TAKE 2
Assistant: This is Bridge of Khazad-dum! Take 2! Marker!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire! Weilder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: Oh yeah? Take this!
Gandalf: *summons shield*
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
*Balrog steps and Bridge breaks*
Balrog: Ha! I have wings! I can fly!
Director: Actually, the majority says that you have wings but can't fly
Balrog: Well that sucks.....
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 09-06-2004, 04:39 PM   #20
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that was super funny
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Old 09-06-2004, 07:00 PM   #21
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Why thank you very much MasterKiller
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 09-08-2004, 05:06 PM   #22
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White Tree

Saruman: I created the Uruk-hai! I am all powerful! I have a big ego problem! Minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known, send in Lurtz!
Orcs: Yes master! *walks out* I don't know why I signed up for this! You don't have to put up for this in Mordor! Well Lurtz, Saruman wants you!
Lurtz: Ok, thanks! *kills minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known* You wanted to see me?
Saruman: It's time for your daily stamping and brain-washing! Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: I serve myself! Don't even try to stamp me! I'm a mercinary now, and I listen to no one!
Saruman: Fool! Obey me! *hits Lurts with staff*
Lurtz: I dare you to do that one more time...
Saruman: *takes a step foward*


How's that for a cliff-hanger?!?
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 04-10-2010, 01:25 AM   #23
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Urwen has just left Hobbiton.
In Gondolin....

Turgon: Welcome, kinsman, for I consider thou as such.

Eol(makes fishy noises,then...)

Eol: I don't care about you! I came to drag my wife and son back!

Turgon: So you love my sister and nephew?

Eol: Not exactly...Aredhel and Maeglin stole Anguirel...You know how it is...


(Turgon, Aredhel and Maeglin roll their eyes. Eol smiles victoriously.)
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:32 AM   #24
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How many Istari does it take to change a light bulb?......................It would depend on what they were trying to change it into.
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[B]THE LORD OF THE GRINS:THE ONE PARODY....A PARODY BETTER THAN THE RINGS OF POWER.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:12 AM   #25
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Silmaril

See this:

Somwhere in Beleriand, two people are talking.

"You know poor Gorlim?", asked one.
"Indeed.", answered his companion.
"Well,he covered Sauron with blood.Blood that came out of him when Sauron killed him."
"And?"
"And every woman from Middle earth, including Sauron's wife and Eilinel,squaled with laughter!"
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:25 AM   #26
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A small puppy was seen. People shrieked asking each other who its owner was. Finally,after six years of searchig,the owner was found. It was Celegorm....
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Old 08-14-2010, 07:00 AM   #27
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What sort of bread do hobbits like.............................................. ...........shortbread
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Old 08-14-2010, 07:03 AM   #28
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What would you call a noldo in Texas....................................Gnome on the Range.
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:39 PM   #29
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Great shortest jokes.
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Old 03-20-2011, 01:41 PM   #30
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Pipe Gandalf the Brainless...?

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, ****. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

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Old 03-20-2011, 01:45 PM   #31
Almesiva Moonshadow
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Almesiva Moonshadow has just left Hobbiton.
Boots ...orcish intelligence...

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf’s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf’s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf’s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You’re trying to escape, aren’t you?"

I'm feeling very creative today, you know...
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:29 PM   #32
Galadriel55
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
And when this new star was seen at evening, Maedhros spoke to Maglor his brother, and he said: "Surely that is a Silmaril that shines now in the West?"

And Maglor answered: "No, stupid! It's an airplane!"


~~~


Pippin looked in the Palantir and was trapped by Sauron, and Sauron told him that to escape he has to answer three questions. Pippin, seeing no other way, agreed. So Sauron began to ask him things:

S: Where did Beren see Luthien for the first time?

P: In Doriath.

S: What does Gollum call the Ruling Ring?

P: My preciouss.

S: How many stars did Varda place on the sky?

P: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

Since Pippin answered all three correctly (to his big surprise and relief) Sauron let him go. On the morning he came to Aragorn and told him that it's ok to look in the palantir as long as you can answer Sauron's questions. "Just answer him In Doriath, my precious, and the lore-masters haven't determined yet - in that order," Pippin told him. So when opportunity arose Aragorn took the palantir and looked inside. "Well met, Aragorn son of Arathorn!" said Sauron. "Answer my 3 questions if you wish to remain the same man ever again!"

S: Where is your kingdom, Lord of the Dunedain?

A: In Doriath.

S: Who told you that?

A: My precious.

S: Are you an idiot?!

A: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.
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Last edited by Galadriel55; 02-11-2012 at 12:46 PM. Reason: spelling, the bane of writing
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:18 PM   #33
Galadriel55
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
And some more...

Sam: Legolas, tell me, can Oliphaunts fly?

Legolas: No Sam.

Sam: Gandalf said they could.

Legolas (scratches head): Well, then they fly, but very very low...


~~~


Bilbo and Gollum are playing the riddle game. Gollum starts:
-Once upon a time there were two fell beasts, one black and another to the north. How old am I?
-100 years old.
-How do you know?
-Half a century ago they were saying that you're half cracked...


~~~


What do you call a swarthy man with slanted eyes who looks half an orc?

His name, of course! Don't be racist!
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You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 02-10-2012 at 03:22 PM.
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