Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

Actually, the pink orc (who I think you're talking about) isn't Lurtz. Lurtz is dead. I'm talking about the pink orc in RotK, who commands the orc army at Pelenor. Ring any bells? Remember the scene where the trebuchets hurl a piece of the city at him, he dodges it, then spits on it? Anyways,

Saruman: Be wise Gandalf. Give in to the ring
Gandalf: Never
Saruman: You have elected the way of pain! *tries to do some "telekenetic blast" at Gandalf* *nothing happens*
Gandalf: Now let me try! *tries a "telekenetic blast* *nothing happens*
Saruman:So...uh...
Gandalf: Yeah, I guess there's only one thing to do
Gandalf and Saruman: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!
Gandalf: 3...
Saruman:...2...
Gandalf and Saruman: ...1!
Gandalf: Ha, my staff is made of wood, which makes paper. Your staff is all marbley, which is rock. Paper Covers Rock! I win! In your face!
Saruman: How in the world does paper beat rock? It makes no sense whatsoever!
Gandalf: True.
Saruman: Oh well
Gandalf: Yay! Mmm, what's that I smell? I think it's...pipeweed! Get me some! I have more than one use for paper! *snickers*

Morale (think I spelled it right): If in doubt, always follow your nose

[Bombadil]

Ents storm Orthanc, break dam, not strong enough to withstand water, all get washed away.

That doesn't have to do with a weapon, but a mishap nonetheless.

Grima: I hate you!
*Throws palantir, hits somehting springy and bounces back up hits him in the face*
*the present members of the fellowship point and laugh.*

Bard: My black arrow has never failed me!
*Breaks in half as he pulls it from quiver*

or

Bard: My black arrow never fails to hit a target!
*thrush whispers in ear*
*Bard shoots arrow as thrush flies away, accidentally hits thrush.*
Bard: uhhh...oops?
*Turns around and walks away whistling*

*Isildur travelling with party of men*
*Orcs ambush them, Isildur puts on ring to disappear*
*As he swims away invisible, ring slips off finger*
*Orcs see Isildur, shoot him to his death*

Oh wait...that actually did happen

[Saraphim]

Turin: I will not disgrace the waters of this river with my foul blood
*sets Gurthang in the rocks and goes to jump on it, instead lands overshoots and falls into the river*
Niniel: I will cast myself into the river! *trips and lands on Gurthang*
Gurthang: I need to get a new hobby. Ruining depressed people's lives just doesn't do it for me anymore

King of the Dead: The dead do not suffer the living to pass!
Aragorn: You will suffer me! *smacks Anduril down on the Dead King and cuts his head off* Uh...*looks around at all the other dead guys, who start closing in menacingly*

In contrast to what everyone else says, I promote copyright infringment!

*avoids random, airborne objects propelled at her*

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

'You can take yourself off, you horny old varmint.' said Giles, also hoping to escape battle. 'I only want to be shot of you. Go right away from here, and get back to your own dirty den!' He stepped towards Chrysophylax, waving his arms as if he was scaring crows.
That was quite enough for Tailbiter. It circled, flashing in the air and then returned to its sheath, where it remained stuck fast. Giles gave one mighty heave and was left holding the broken hilt, while Chrysophylax eyed him balefully.

The dragon ate the horse first, because it didn't need peeling.

******

Húrin: Aurë entulúva!
The head of his axe snaps off and falls on his foot, severing some of his toes. He falls over.
Gothmog: All right, lads: you can take your tea break now.

[The Perky Ent]

Orcs: Get those seige towers to the city!
*seige towers move* *seige towers stop 4 inches out of range*
Pink Orc: Stupid Hybrids...

No offense to Hybrid cars. They seem really cool!

This next really isn't a weapon, but it's sharp enough to be used as one

Gandalf: Now come the days of the king. May they be blessed. *puts the crown on Aragorn's head* *misses and pointy part goes in his head*
Aragorn: Ow *passes out*
Gandalf: He's dead
Pippin: He's not dead! He's not dead!!
Gandalf: Ah, no one listens to you anyways!
Monty Python person: He's not dead. He's just...uh...pining for the fjords!
Gandalf:Uh...right. Arwen, you aren't pregnant yet, are you?
Arwen: No
Gandalf: Ok, this is a problem. Uh...Faramir, get over here!
*Faramir Kneels*
Gandalf: Now come the days of the Steward. May they be blessed.

No offense to Monty Python, as they are cool people. No offense to Pippin either.

[elronds_daughter]

good ones, Perky! how 'bout....

*Boromir is sitting on the ground with arrows stuck in him...*
Aragorn: *comes running up* Boromir! You'll die!
Boromir: No, i think i could come around.
Aragorn: No, no, you're going to die. you just stay there while i rout these orcs.
Boromir: I'm getting better! I could come with you!

just thought another spoof off of Monty Python would be appreciated by Monty Python fans...

cheers!

Elrond's (other) daughter

[The Perky Ent]

Good ole Monty Python!

Shelob: You know, I'm glad your here! Most of the time, all I eat is orcs!
Gollum: And they doesn't tastes very nice, does they precious?
Frodo: Well, I really don't wanna be eaten.
Shelob: Common. It will be fun. Here! I'll show you!
*Shelob closes in on Frodo*
*Frodo pulls out the Phial of Galadriel*
Frodo: Ni! *light turns on* Ni!
Sam: Let me try! Nu! Nu! Nu-
Frodo: No, it's Ni
Sam: Nu!
Frodo: Ni
Sam: Ni
Frodo: Now you've got it!
*light flickers off*
Sam: What happened Mr. Frodo?
*Frodo gets "telepathically teleported to Galadriel*
Galadriel: We are no longer the elves who say Ni. We are now the elves who say Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*Frodo comes back to reality*
Frodo:Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*light comes back*
Shelob: No! The light has returned!
Sam: You've done it
Shelob: Nooo!
Frodo: Yes, it worked
Shelob: He said it again!
Frodo: Let's go. We must be rid of it!
*Shelob rolls around in pain*

Good times good times. BTW, the defective weapon was the phial.