New Movie Script

[Eowyn Skywalker]

The Battle of Helms Deep: part one. (Why, because I'm to lazy to write the rest.)

(All the elves and all that stand along the top of the wall. Aragorn is muttering something about "Stupid late she-elves." Gimli is muttering something about "Where's the box when you need it." Legolas is muttering something about "Where's Enya when you need her." Haldir is muttering something about "Everyone here is breathing too loudly." And Howard Shore is muttering about the lack of worthwhile theme music for this scene.)

Gimli: I can't see!

Legolas: There's nothing to see. I grew up here, you know.

Gimli: ? You're going to die here, you know. Convenient.

Legolas: Not if I can help it. I've taken care of everything.

Aragorn: You didn't grow up here.

Legolas: Shhhhhh.

PJ: Will you guys PLEASE stop with the Star Wars quoting thing?!

Agent Smith: Join with me...

PJ: Just shut up.

Legolas: I'm trying to act here.

PJ: I'll send in Enya.

Theoden: I think we can handle one little girl.

PJ: If only you knew...

Random Urak-hai: HIIIIIIIIIII, EVERYONE!

Eowyn: (Kills random Urak-hai) MWHA-HA!

Theoden: I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE KEEP!!!!

Eowyn: So?

Theoden: *glares*

Aragorn: Can we get on with this?

Arwen: Honey, I brought you your sword!!!!!

Everyone: CAN I SEE IT?!

Boromir: Yah!

Aragorn: You, know, you're dead.

Boromir: I'm not left-handed either.

Aragorn: Must we do this again?

Boromir: Yep.

Aragorn: You are a limp sword-fighter.

Boromir: Get used to disapointments.

PJ: THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I'M ON TWENTY-EIGHT!!!!!

Legolas: You can't see, and there's no orcs yet.

Gimli: I know that... but I'm still on twenty-eight.

Legolas: What are you killing: elves?

Gimli: No, flies.

Legolas: *sigh*

Aragorn: Do not despair, your friends are here with you.

Agent Smith: Despair, for I am leading the orcs upon you.

J.R.R. Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THERE'S NO AGENTS IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Somehow, I thought I killed you.

Tolkien: I won't stay dead, for I already am!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Um, we're filming?

(Suddenly J.R.R. Tolkien disappears in a flash of orange light.)

Jandalf the Orange: Minions of Xendor.

The author of this piece: How come you seem to appear in all my writing?

Jandalf: I don't know. Maybe because you like writing me in?

Author: No, that's Darth Warious.

Darth Warious: You called?

PJ: WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! WHO WROTE THIS??????

Author: Me.

Agent Smith: I won't stand for this. (Kills author)

Author: I WILLLLLLL BEEEEEE BACKKKKKKKKK...

Jandalf: Drat...

Agent Smith: Hey, I know you....

Jandalf: Double drat.

Darth Warious: Hey, there's HALDIR!!!!!

PJ: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: (Somehow kavvams the two random characters out of this story)

PJ: Okay, let's just erase that last last bit...

(Erases that last bit)

Aragorn: We will all DIE!!!!!!

PJ: Okay, we'll delete that one too............

(Deletes it)

Legolas: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

PJ: Sigh.

(Deletes it again)

Agent Smith: Oh, give it a rest. You'll all die anyhow.

Darth Vader: I am your father!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn:

Haldir: Didja know that he breathes too loudly?

PJ: Sigh. Okay, people, let's take it from here again.

Enya: Aren't there suppose to be orcs?

Random Orc: I'm HERE!!!!!!

PJ: Sigh.


And that was that. Now someone else can finish this battle.
-Eowyn Skywalker

[Eowyn Skywalker]

You people are very lazy, you know. What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Oh well...

***

*Star Wars theme music begins to play*

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... erk, wrong movie....

*Rain falls*

Legolas: Sigh, I'm getting wet.

Haldir: Wait five seconds... *counts* *Rain stops* Ah, right on time!

Cricket: Chirp, chirp.

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!!

PJ: Will you quit being all doomday? I'm trying to film!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOO...

Agent Smith: This is PG 13 sooooooo... *bang*

Tolkien: ???

Arwen: Dodge this, bonehead!

Everyone: Didn't the bang signify the end of Tolkien?

Author: Nope.

Aragorn: I said DYE, you numbskull.

PJ: What's the difference?

Arwen: Difference of what? We're not doing math!

PJ: Sigh... HOWARD, CUE UP THE THEME MUSIC!!!!

Enya: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

PJ: Shhhh... the windows, Enya, think of THE WINDOWS!!!!!!

Cricket: Chirp?

*Theme music: Minas Morgul*

Boromir: WE'RE DOOMED!!!

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!

*Splash*

Aragorn: Drat. I'm... I'M PURPLE!!!!!! AGGGGHHH!!!!

Boromir: Haa haa haaa.... akk... drat... *Splash* I'M GREEN!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Random orc: Cue up the rain! It's not evil and dark and foreboding anymore!!!!

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson? Is that you?

Random orc: Drat.

PJ: Will you start with the battle???????

Agent Smith: *evil, evil* *rubs hands together* Mwha-ha-ha-ha...

All Urak-hai: Ummm... uh-oh...

Boromir: It's a CONSPIRACY!

*And then, the battle begins...*

Iin Middle-earth, those of the Fellowship fought, for the freedom of Middle-earth... in a galaxy far, far away... sigh, this just isn't going to work...

*Ripoff of the Matrix... bad ripoffs...*

Orc: *finds medal pole somewhere, and uses it to wack all the many Smith clones that appear from no where* I am Mr. Anderson!!!!! Mwha-ha-ha...

Agent Smith: Enough with the bad ripoffs of MY movie. DYE!!!!!!

Orc: *dyes*

All other orcs: *die laughing at now blue orc*

Aragorn: That was too easy.

Agent Smith: So says you.

Urak-hai: I'm BAAAACK!!!!!!

Boromir: Sigh. Here we go again.

***

Please, someone else, go from there!

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Meneltarmacil]

GIMLI: You could have picked a better spot.

LEGOLAS: Shut up. *hits Gimli over the head with a large brick*

GIMLI: *thud*

URUKS: We will, we will, rock you! We will, we will, rock you!

(back in the keep)
RANDOM GUY #1: Well, it could be worse.

RANDOM GUY #2: How so?

RANDOM GUY #1: It could be raining.

*rain starts to fall*

THEODEN: You had to say it, didn't you...

(inside the caves)
RANDOM CAMEO PEOPLE: *cry cry sob cry cry*

EOWYN: *grrrr*

(back on the wall)
ARAGORN: A Eruchin,u-dano i faelas a hyn, an uben tanatha le faelas!
(We're all DOOMED! DOOM! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM!!!!)

GIMLI: *comes to* What? Where am I? What's going on?

LEGOLAS: *points bow at Gimli's head*

GIMLI: Oh, right, *mumblemumblewhimperwhimper*

LEGOLAS: Good. Now stay that way.

ARAGORN: DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM!

BOROMIR: Boy, are you a pessimist.

ARAGORN: And you're supposed to be dead right now! DIE!!!!

*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*

[Oddwen]

Gollum: Master must keep up his strength.

Frodo: Gandalf told me that you were not that different from a Hobbit once.

Gollum(double take): He said what? Ugh!

Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.

Gollum: It is now! Yuck!

Frodo: Smmmmeeeeeaaaagol...

Gollum: Stupid wizards...

Frodo: *ahem* Smmmmeeeeaaagoolll?

Gollum: Is there a problem?

Frodo: Isn't that your name?

Gollum: No, that's not our name.

Frodo: Well then...what is your name?

Gollum: Mustn't ask, not its business...gollum gollum!

Frodo: Is it...Ralph?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: How about Fred?

Gollum: Lemmie check...nope.

Frodo: What about Floyd?

Gollum: Look Master, we appreciates the attentions, yes we do, but we'd really like to get some...oh, we don't know...SLEEP right now, maybe?

Fro: I bet I know.

Gollum: What?

Fro: Is it...Rumpelstiltskin?

Gollum: A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT! A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT!

*And in his fury, Gollum stamped one foot so hard into the marsh that he sunk out of sight*

Fro: Ummmmmm....?


(Let's try this...)

Aragorn: Legolas! What do your elf-eyes see?

Leggy: A cottage! Made all out of gingerbread.

Ara: Well, it's not to be wondered at, astigmatism seems to...a what??

Leggy: A tasty little gingerbread cottage. Can we eat it? Please please please pleasepleaseplease?

*A little old lady hobbles out*

LittleOldLady: Hello, travellers! Come inside, dearies and I'll make you some nice sweets!

Legolas: *drools and starts to hypnotically walk towards her*

Aragorn: Um, thanks all the same, but we're on a mission...

LOL: Oh, it won't take but a minute, and I've just set some pastries to cool!

ARagorn: *wipes a little drool from his face* Well, maybe just a little...

*There is a loud noise and the cottage and the little old lady vaporize. Leggy and Aragorn look up to see Gimli with a vaporizer*

Gimli: Never trust little old ladies.

(So it's late. Sue me. Hee hee hee...)

[Maeggaladiel]

Okay, this looks fun. I'll give it a shot.

PJ-Okay, everyone! This scene is looking great!

Haldir- Whaddya mean great?! This completely deviates from the original texts of Mr. Tolkein!

JRRT- (from closet) Yeah! *Smith kicks him*

Haldir- And what's with that guy? *points to Smith, who looks uncomfortable and starts whistling innocently.*

PJ- Look, dude, I'm taking artistic liscense. You can't make a good film without drama. Tolkein just doesn't have the drama I'm looking for, so I.. *modified* a few things.

Haldir- HA! "Modified," my elven backside! You've completely ruined everything! Like this! *takes out copy of script* Look, it says here that the House of Healing scene has been cut! That's so important to the storyline! And what's all this garbage about Arwen taking Glorfindel's place?

PJ- *sigh* When last I checked, Peter, not Haldir, was director of this film.

EVERYONE ELSE- Ooh, burned!

Theoden- That's MY line!

*LATER THAT EVENING*-- In PJ's Trailer.
PJ- Criticize MY directing, will he? Thinks my script stinks, does he? Hmph! I'll show him! I'll fix his little red wagon!!

*grabs copy of script and a red pen. Crawls under bed with a flashlight.*

PJ- No one will think to look for me here. He'll pay! They'll all pay!!

*Mad scribbling sounds and wicked laughter resonate from trailer.*

**NEXT DAY**

PJ- Erm, Uruk 236, I have a.. um.. new addition to your script.

236- Ooh! Do I finally get the emotional monologue I've been asking for?

PJ- Um, no. But the addition is a reeeeally important part of the story.

236- Oooh! Okay!

PJ- OKAY PEOPLE! Let's get to work! *Haldir passes by. PJ grins wickedly*We're skipping directly to the next scene for the Helm's Deep battle! You'll find it marked in your scripts...

Random Guy- Why are we doing this fight scene? Lego still doesn't have the stair surfing thing down yet.

*Lego gets on shield, grins, starts down stairs. His arms flail wildly, he loses his balance. Sheild flies out from underneath him and sails across set, impailing Uruk 791. Lego falls down stairs and lands in mud.*

PJ- Umm, we'll just skip forward a bit. MEDIC? Annnnd... ACTION!

*Uruk 236 looks into his script. In scribbly, red ink, the words "Get impailed by Haldir's sword" are scratched out and above it is written "Violently impail Haldir with your sword. Then laugh. And taunt him! That little loser..." 236 shrugs.*

236- IMPAIL!! MWAHAHAHA!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES! How was that?

Haldir- What the..? This wasn't in the script!

PJ-*looks dark and evil* It is now!

'Gorn-NOOOOOOO! *Runs to him*

Hal- Don't touch me! My wound will become infected with your filth! Ach!

A- Where does it hurt?

H- Oh, right around the big BLOODY SPOT!!! *dies*

PJ- Mwa ha haaa!

A- No! He owed me money!

PJ- Let this be a lesson to you all: DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF AN ARTISTIC GENIUS!! MUAHAHAHAA!... I mean, um.... Shame that Haldir wasn't wearing that ARMOR that I told him to wear! Oh, dearie me! I forgot to put that in his script! meh heh!

MAEG

[Meneltarmacil]

Methinks we really need to be getting back to the action at Helm's Deep and have been having w-a-a-a-a-y too much fun with the behind-the-scenes stuff.

In other words...

Just do the freakin' big fight scene! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

*goes psychotic and stabs nearest random person*

*wakes up from coma three weeks later wondering what happened*

[Oddwen]

What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Well, it's stinkin' too long, the tone's all wrong, it's entirely focused on the wrong characters...I could go on and on.


(from Menel)
*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*
(/Menel)

*Boromir miraculously appears by Aragorn with a puzzled look on his face*

Aragorn: I told you you talked to Pippin too much! *To the interloper elves* Tangado a chadad! (Everybody, tango! Cha-cha!)

*the interlopers look at each other and shrug. They then notch their arrows and aim.*

Leggy: Faeg i-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc. (Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored)

Aragorn: Leithio i plbll, phhlblll, philinn! (Look! I have a caterpillar's lips!)

*the interlopers laugh so hard they can't hold their bowstrings. A surprisingly effective volley is fired.*

Gimli(to Leggy): Did they hit anything?

Legs: Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored...

Theoden: Give them the valley.

Gamling: What?

Theoden: Oh er, did I say that out loud? I meant "a volley".

Gamling(to the men): Fire!

The Men: AHH!

Gamling: No! Fire your arrows!

One-Eyed-Creepy-Dude-Named-Alfonse: Fire!

*The men do so. It is useless, as more Uruks take the place of any fallen. It is as Elrond foretold: DOOM.*

Aragorn(to the interlopers behind the wall): Ribed bant! (I am wearing courderoy pants!)

Interlopers: Durrr...

Gimli: Send them to me! There is one dwarf yet in Helm's Deep who still draws pretty pictures!

*the Uruks are partially successful in their attempts to make Helm's Deep more canonical, and several interlopers fall towards their death. Meanwhile, other Uruks put into place ladders that would have been many the envy of Wilhelm, one of the fallen interlopers who happened to be a ladder maker, had he not currently been dead.*

Ar: Pendraith! (Extra spicy hot sauce [in my] cheeto-fried brain!)

Leggy: CENSORED censored censored...

Gimli: Ooh, good one!

Ar: Swords! Swords!

*in a move that would have been the envy of any boyband infecting a stage, the interlopers simultaneously draw their swords with a "swoooosh!" However, their puny defense will be useless, considering the big honkin' ugly ladders that are currently carrying their less formidable cargo towards the wall*

*And so the hand-to-hand combat begins! Or is it claw-to-long-slender-hand? Or maybe...nevermind*

Gim: Ohhh, poncy elf-princeling!

Leg: CENCORED what?!?

Gim: I've got two already!

Leg: You interrupt me to tell me that?? Forget killing Uruks, leave Aragorn for me!

Gim: *ulp* *absentmindedly whacks Bob-the-Uruk in a nasty spot*

*Unfortunately, that Orc was played by a totally innocent contest winner. Bummer for him, eh?*

Ara(currently swashing swaths through Uruk fields): Rahh! Hrahhh! Ahhh!

Uruks: The greasy hair man! Run away!

*Meanwhile, nobody was watching the gate...*

Theoden: Oh, look! We have a visitor! Make sure they know the password before they can come in, which is of course "Have You Eaten A Blue Smartie Lately?".

Gamling: No! Those are more Uruks!

Aragorn: Look! Hado, ahhh, JUST SHOOT 'EM! I don't think anybody listens to me anyway, why should they? I'm just a little ol' lost kingy, nobody listens to the lost kingies, do they? Naw, they just expect me to wander the wild and babysit for some fat hairy farmers while the big guys are off doing important stuff, no time for a poor lost kingie...

All Within Earshot: Shut up!

*Meanwhile, the interlopers have fired a volley with their wimpy little arms. They do manage to fell some, but not enough, Uruks and they make their laborious way upwards towards the gate*

Theoden(oblivious): What, is this it? C'mon Saruman, you can do better than this! Surely the White Wizard isn't afraid of great and mighty Rohan, is he? Is he crying for his mommie at this moment?

Gamling: *sob* Noo...

Theoden: I DEFY YOU, you mama's-boy-Istar!

Gamling: *whimper*

*Cue "Chariots of Fire" theme...*

*Meanwhile, at the culvert...orcs have been piling giant spiky balls filled with who-knows-what. An unfortunate Uruk with a torch is walking towards it*

Bob: Marco!

Uruks Nearest the Culvert: Polo!

Bob: Marco!

Voice-Throwing Ventriloquist Orc(seemingly from within the culvert): Polo!

Bob: Ha! I've got you now!

*FOOOOOOMM!*

(Blahh...that's all I've got for now...)

Oh yes, a while back I asked (demanded, actually) the last scene. I no longer remember what I was going to do, and if someone wanted to do that, go ahead.