If LotR had been written by someone else!?

You ought to get a laugh out of this link. LotR, as an early black+white film: http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/Tolkien/Movie/lotr.mov

And now, I know its been done, but I've had some of these ideas in my head for a while, so LotR by Mark Twain:

It was hot in those Cracks of Doom, powerful hot, the kind of hot that really gets to a body, and Sam found it mighty oppressive.
"Oh, Mistah Frodo, where are you?" he called out, his voice saying everything about how desperate he was. He couldn't hear Frodo for anything, but just then, he heard another familiar voice, crazy as a drunk bull.
"Precious! Precious, ah' say, precious!" It was Gollum, that damned fool of an injun, and Sam knew he was up to mischief of some awful kind.
Sam ran forward. He was scared, sure, he was powerful scared, but he didn't trust Injun Gollum one half as much as he could throw him, and the thought of losing Mr. Frodo and the Ring...after all, he'd promised Judge Gandalf and Senator Elrond to keep an eye on Frodo, and a promise is a promise, right?