Middle Earth Answering Machine Messages

[good idea at the time]

Hi there! You've reached the home of Tom Bombadil and Goldberry. If this is Old Man Willow, you're STILL in time-out for trying to smush the cute little hobbits. If you need my assistance with something in the Old Forest, you can contact me via singing a song about my being a merry fellow and the colors of my clothing. If you have things that need to be washed, just be patient. Goldberry takes care of that at the same time every year. If you wish to leave a message, feel free to do so. I'll call you back if I remember! Oh, and Morgoth, I think your ring is a bit boring. You could at least have made it pretty...BEEEEP


-good idea at the time

[Diamond18]

Tom: "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! Ring a ding a dingalong a dingalonga a longading. Merry-o merry-me merry-my-a-merry-mo. Fal la, la fal, falla lalla lilly lo. Lilly lo a filly ho a dilly dol a derry dol, derry dol a dolly der, dilly dally derry o."

Goldberry's voice from background: "Oh for heaven's sake, Tom, stop playing with that machine and leave a message!"

Tom: "Fa lal la la lo, derry de, derry di, dirry derry dorry o, hop a long a fop along a ring a long, hop a loppa leap along. Leave a message with a song, leave a song and don't be long, leave a song a ding a ling, leave a song after the ring."

My my, that's the most fun I've had writing anything in a while. Very bad Tom Bombadil poetry, compliments of Diamond Derry Dol.

[Mintyztwin]

Oh, it wasn't that bad Diamond! Better than I could do, I assure ye'!

Watch, I'll prove it!
"Hey! Come merry dol! ring a dong a dillo!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
Ding dong, Hello! Leave a message at the tone,
Leave a message clear and sweet, running as the water,
A message for Tom Bombadill, and the river-daughter!
Hey ho! Ding dong, ding dong a dillo!
Leave a song for Goldberry, and merry Bombadillo!"


Hmm . . . that wasnt' as bad as I thought it would be!

[Orual]

Oh, you guys crack me up...I'm trying to think of something, but just can't...oh, keep it up!!! This is too funny!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

~*~Orual~*~

[RiderOfRohan]

Here's shot at one.

Samise Gamgee:
Sorry, I am busy stalking Master Frodo at this minute. If you know his whereabouts press 1. If you have some mushrooms press 2.
If you have some bacon press 3. If you have a pint or a pipe, press 4. If this is Frodo, turn around.

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ November 28, 2002: Message edited by: RiderOfRohan ]

[Arwen Melian]

Nice job guys! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Horse-Maiden of the Shire]

Sauron: (sorry if i took someones idea) Hi! You've reached the home of Sauron. I'm probably out torturing things, so leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you when they're good and mutilated.

Pippin: Hello, this is Pippin Took. I'm not available right now because I'm most likely at the Green Dragon getting drunk or stealing mushrooms from Farmer Maggot's crop. If you have any pipeweed, press 0 and I'll get back to you right away. For the rest of you, I'll try.

how bout some TT ones

[Mirabella]

(Sauron) "Hello,you have reached the Dark Lord Sauron. If this is one of my spies reporting on the whareobouts of my ring,press 1. If this is Shelob, press 2. If this is a Nazgul asking for another mount, press 3. If this is Saruman, calling for any reson, press 4. If this is Vallery calling about her tape recorder, be pationt, I just sent 7 out to return it to you. If this is anyone else, FEAR ME!!!!!!!

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Rynoah, the Overly-Happy]

Another Boromir one:

"Hello, you've reached Boromir. This is actually my machine. I would say 'leave a message and I'll get back to you', but I can't make that promise because... well... anyway, I just can't. You can leave a message anyway, if you like." *BEEP*

Éomer:

*voice is choppy and the thundering of hooves is heard in the background*

"Hi, this is Éomer. If this is an emergency, you'd better ride really fast and find me wherever I am. If you're my dement... er... gracious uncle, leave a message and a time when you'll be alone because I need to talk some sense into you. If you're that slimy thing after my sister, I don't know why you bothered to call, but you'd better keep your gangrenous hands off her or you'll find them missing. If you're my sister, leave a message. If you're anyone else, I guess you can leave a message if you really want, but I can't guarantee I'll get back to you."

It's 12:47AM, what did you expect? [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Aduyuldaiel-MirkwoodPrincess]

*trys to climb back up on the chair after laughing so hard* wooh, those were crazy! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

nice one
[img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[Ainaserkewen]

Hee Hee! Funny again.
Uh, let me think. I'm reusing some though.

Legolas-Hello, you've reached Legolas's machine, if this is Kimwen, See you tonight, if this is Kame, I'll call you, Diathalewen, I'm sick, Rianon, I've moved to Alaska, oh and if this is my hairdresser, you're check is in the mail.

Elrond-(in french accent)Hello? This is the maid, I was made to answer the phone, ha!
Sil-vu-plait, leave a message after the boop and I make them to call you back.
(I found that on a tape, thought it was funny)

Moria-Hi, you've reached Moria, we can't come to the phone right now because we are currently under siege, leave your name and number and the last one alive will get back to you(I hope you can speak orcish) If this is Dain, tell my family I love them, AHHHHHH!

[Rynoah, the Overly-Happy]

Osgiliath: Thank you for calling Osgiliath. Your call is important to us. Unfortunately, we can't take any messages because our tape recorder was damaged in the last attack, so we ask that you please just ride over here and tell us what you were going to say.

*in fast "end of the car comercial voice"*
We don't take any responsibility for any damages to your person or personal posessions if you ride over here to relay a message. The name 'Osgiliath" is copyrighted to Gondor. Any materials used without prior consent is unlawful and subject to court and/or sword action.

[ April 14, 2003: Message edited by: Rynoah, the Overly-Happy ]

[Eowyn_Wildfire]

I LOVE THESE [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[dancing spawn of ungoliant]

Oh my, these are great...funny, funny thread!

"Hey ho, little friend! You have called to Tom's answering machine. I'm probably singing and dancing in the Old Forest or rescuing some hobbits but leave me a message. Hey ho!"

"You have reached Shadowfax Travel Services. For long and secret journeys press 1. For extra fast travelling press 2. For extreme riding press 3. If You are a member enter your member code and press 4. If You want to join the Mearas Club press 5. Nice travelling with Shadowfax Travel Services!"

[Shire Flower]

Hello, you've reached the home of Peter Jackson. I'm not here right now because I am running from the "Lord of the Rings" characters who are trying to kill me because they don't like the way they were portrayed in the movies. Please leave a message and I'll try to get back to you when I can sneak back to my house, dodging all the axes, arrows, swords, knives, rotten vegetables, etc. that are flying my way. Thanks.

[img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Meneltarmacil]

"Hello. You have reached the home of Denethor, Steward of Gondor. Unfortunately, I can't come to the phone right now because I'm either yelling at Faramir, looking into a palantir and slowly driving myself insane, or lighting myself on fire just for the heck of it. If this is Faramir, then get your good-for-nothing butt out there and start fighting. If this is Meela, I still have yet to respond to the last fifty billion messages of hero worship you left. *BEEP*

I know, that wasn't that good...

[ August 16, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Naurwen_of_Lothlorien]

"Hi, you have reached Arwen and...oh I think I pressed the wrong button, daddy. Oh I didn't?? I'm still on the microphone thing?? Oh sorry. Um, this is Arwen and if you are Aragorn then... oh no, I pressed it again. Daddy!!" *Pause* Elrond's voice in the background: "No, sweetie, you're still being recorded, see the red light?"
"Oooh, it's pretty!"
"Yes, love, well when the pretty red light is on, that means you're being recorded okay?"
"Okay. Should I start again?"
"Yes, sweetie."
"Okay, I think I'm starting again now. Hi! You have reached Arwen!! If you are Aragorn then press 1 to be put through to my daddy. He wants to talk to you about some sort of ring or something. Maybe he wants you to marry me?? *Schoolgirl giggles* Anyway, if this is one of my friends, then ...oh no I pressed it again...um...daddy? Oh no, he's gone...where is the pretty light? Oh it's still on!!! Hi this is Arwen...oh, I'm not starting again....um...*Beepng is heard as she presses random buttons* um....which one ends this? Oh yeah, just leave a message if you're anyone else...And Grandma, Stop calling and saying all those BIG words!!! And Also...Oh wait...oops I pressed it aga-"

BEEEP


Sorry about that, couldnt resist [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]


~Naurwen
BEEEP

[Eowyn_Wildfire]

that is the funniest thing i love it!!!*falls of of chair* I'm okay

[Maikadurwen]

gandalf:
hello you have reached gandalf the grey
if you are sauron go cut an onion
if you are saruman you still need to pay my hospital bill about the ...uh....incident in isengard if you are a hobbit in need of adventures call my cell number 715-1wiz [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ August 16, 2003: Message edited by: Maikadurwen ]

[Arwen Melian]

OMG! All these were wonderful . I think I'll die laughing...especially the one with the nd of car commercial voice. Lol! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[arianrod]

lol! These are great! Let me add a few...

(Galadriel) I already know who you are and why you are calling, so you might as well hang up at the beep because I don't want to talk to you anymore, Gimli. No, I will not make you a wig with my hair. Stop calling me. The restrainig order is in the mail. --BEEP!--

(Tom Bombadil) Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong-- ah, screw it. You've reached the answering machine of 'Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo'. At least I was jolly, but then again I also thought I'd have a part in the FotR movie. I sent in an audition tape with all my songs on it; did Peter Jackson not get them? I thought I was fabulous in those tapes, don't you, Goldberry? 'Not necessary to the plot'? Who does this Jackson jerk think he is?! I have half a mind to march right over to New Zealand and shove him into the knoll of a willow tree right now. See what he thinks of me with a several twigs shoved right up his--BEEP!--

(Boromir) *disco music in background* You have reached the answering machine of the future Steward of Gondor and undefeated Disco King, Boromir. I am not here right now due to a disturbing dream me and my brother have been experiencing. I've gone to Rivendell to seek out the expertise of the Elvish tarot card readers. Please leave a message and resume doing the wave. Thank you. --BEEP!--

(Denethor) Hello, this is Denethor. I'm not able to answer the phone right now because I am currently combing the city in search of flammable material. If you have access to any said substance, please press one. If you have any matches in your possession, please press two. If you are Meela, then for Eru's sake stop calling me, woman! Don't make me come over there; I'm a Steward on the edge! --BEEP!--

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

[dancing spawn of ungoliant]

Heh, The Disco King lives!

...oops I pressed it aga-"

Great, I loved it [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] !!!

"This is Grimas answering machine. If this is Saruman: I'm still poisoning Théodens mind but I could come for a visit soon.
If this is Éowyn: Hey sweetie! Would you have lunch with me sometime...and by the way - I know what you do at nights *bwahahaha* so WOULD you have lunch with me!!!
And if this is Théoden:all I say is that Gandalf Lathspell is evil! Don't trust him, I will take care of everything. You just sit there in your Golden Hall, everything's fine...just fine...BEEEP"

[arianrod]

(Legolas) Mae Govannen! You've reached the answering machine of the Elven prince of Mirkword, Legolas. Sorry I'm not in right now, but I'm off having a shopping spree at the Gap of Rohan. If you are Aragorn and would like for me to pick you up a tasteful shirt (you really need one, man; you've been wearing the same ragged thing for, like, 20 years), please call my cell phone at 'elf-god1' (353-4631). If you are anyone else, leave a message and I will get back to you within the next year or so. Or whenever I get back, whichever comes first. Meaning you should expect my call in a year or so. --BEEP!--

[ August 17, 2003: Message edited by: arianrod ]

[Shire Flower]

These are hilarious. I thought about doing a Denethor one... but the only thing that came to mind was, "You've reached the estate of Lord Denethor of Gondor. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm trying to burn myself up...."

No one has done Merry or any of the Ringwraiths yet.....

[Naurwen_of_Lothlorien]

Okay, I'll try my hand at a Ring Wraith one, since those guys are so groovy. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

*In a very camp voice* "Oh, hello, you've reached the Nazgul, Ring Wraiths, Black Riders, The Nine...oh dear, we have so many names, but we love them all dearly. We are so sorry that we could not answer your call, but we're probably chasing some cute little man and that She Elf. She has absolutely NO sense when it comes to fashion! We just HAVE to change her look. But anyway, you don't want to hear about all that, do you dears? If you DO want to hear our Nazgul Fashion Tips press 1 and we'll open your eyes to the wonderful world of style. If this is Sauron, then hello love. We're working as fast as we can to get that ring that you want, but Bill saw this GORGEOUS necklace in Bree and thought you might like that instead? The ring is SO tacky, dear, it really isn't you.
If this is Sarumon, then we would just like to apologise about taking that lovely bracelet from your jewlerry box, but Eric just couldn't resist!" *Voice in background* "Oh, Pete, you little grass!"
*Pete* "Heeheehee...anyway, loves. We're gonna have to love you and leave you because this message is so long. I doubt it will let me make it much longe-"
BEEEEP

Okay, that was terrible, but I JUST woke up. JUST. And it's FIVE in the afternoon. Bad Naurwen. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Yours sleepily,

~Naurwen

[the guy who be short]

Hello, you have reached Gandalf Airlines, the only way to fly, you fools. We do flights across Middle Earth, from the wastes of the North to Harad, from Rhovanion to Valinor. Please state your business after the tone, and a balrog will be there to fly you shortly.
*quick end of cormercial voice* Gandalf Airlines will not take responsibility for wingless and thus flightless Balrogs, lost possessions or burns of any degree, including death. "The only way to fly, you fools," registered trademark second age 1492.

[arianrod]

Hello, you have reached Gandalf Airlines, the only way to fly, you fools.

lol! Brilliant! [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

[One Axe to Rule them All]

Sauron: You have reached the evil lair of the dark lord of mordor.

If you have information on the whereabouts of MY RING then press 1... now.

If this is my mother, I told you already, I can't come home for your birthday.

If this is saruman, then Go away! i don't want any more of those "Frodo lives" T-shirts you made before the two towers premiered!

Anyone else, I have caller ID and an army of orcs are coming to pillage your village!

[Naz]

Denethor: Hello, you have reached the Steward of Gondor. I'm busy preparing for my Bar-B-Que, so I may not get back to you... But leave a message if you insist...

lame? Yeah : p

[arianrod]

THE RING: This is Isildur's Bane. Sorry I couldn't take your call right now, but I'm currently being carried by a pathetic little halfling who thinks he can destroy me. Most inconvinient. If this is Sauron, I'm on my way; look for two small men and a deformed frog. If this is the Nazgul, where have you guys been?! I've been sending you vibes for months and there hasn't been a sign of you since that stupid near-run-in at the Dead Marshes! C'mon, I've nearly gift-wrapped this guy for you multiple times, yet you always drop the ball. I suggest you step it up a notch, you pathetic excuses for the terrifying undead. And lastly, if this is Gollum, you scare me. Your time's over. Call me 'precious' one more time and I'll send the Nazgul on you (if *ever* reply to the memos, that is). --BEEP!--

[the guy who be short]

Hello, you have reached Radagast the Brown. If you're wondering, no, I did NOT fail in my mission. Stupid cousin gets all the fame, damn him! Why, if he didn't know me, he wouldn't have got into Beorn's home. And what then? The idiot hobbit would have died, the ring would be lost. And it was all prevented because of ME! Me me ME! But where's my fame? Where's my parade? Oh, and if this is Gandalf, go-
BEEEEEP.

[ August 25, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

[Naz]

Éomer:

*voice is choppy and the thundering of hooves is heard in the background*

"Hi, this is Éomer. If this is an emergency, you'd better ride really fast and find me wherever I am. If you're my dement... er... gracious uncle, leave a message and a time when you'll be alone because I need to talk some sense into you. If you're that slimy thing after my sister, I don't know why you bothered to call, but you'd better keep your gangrenous hands off her or you'll find them missing. If you're my sister, leave a message. If you're anyone else, I guess you can leave a message if you really want, but I can't guarantee I'll get back to you."

*dies laughing*

[Naz]

Hello, you have reached Gwaihir's Air Service. To report on one of our Eagles, please press 1. If this is Manwe, please press * twice. If this is a bunch of elves who arn't supposed to be in the story but are there anyway instead of the Dunedain... We're very sorry, but Ella accidentally used our film contracts for her nest...

Gwaihir Air Services- Flyin Friendly

*BEEEEEP*

[Elen Ilúvitauri]

GLORFINDEL
"Hi, this is the trueowner of ASFALOTH! Im not here at the moment... (yes i do live at Rivendell, im an elf lord remember!) So leave a message for me after the beep. Oh yeah, if this is Peter Jackson, i am probably going to kill you as soon as ive got my bloody horse back. If this is Arwen, yes, im still trying to kill you. If this is Aragorn, um.... *long pause** you are violating my restraning order!! please dont kill me. If you see my horse, tell me, that manipulating vixen Arwen has taken him for the last time!!!!"

[The Only Real Estel]

I'm tired of writing these things down

[img]smilies/eek.gif[/img] Hopeully you just copy pasted them! [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]

[Lady Alasse]

ok here goes! this may be really pathetic...

Theoden's answering machine: (Voice of Wormtongue) You have reached Theoden King. If you are Gandalf Stormcrow then hang up you picker of bones I wont return... I mean Theoden King is far to busy to listen to the bringer of ill-news. If you are anyone else don't call again and trouble the kings mind with your worthless prattling.

Ok I know it isn't to great but I'm working on it. Now heres his message after helms deep

Theoden: Greetings, You have reached Theoden, King of the mark. I can't come to the phone right now. If you are a Rider of Theoden. Arise, Arise, Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! spear shall be shaken, sheild shall be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor! Your late!!! If this is that snake Wormtongue I don't want to here about how Saruman is treating you hang up. if this is Eowyn, no you may not go with us to Gondor. If this is Aragorn. I know how to run my kingdom very well thank you sir. I do not need any advice from a young upstart ranger and you stay away from Eowyn.