The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

Ideally both parents and all relatives other than some connection to a status giving person or someone missing presumed enthralled (in a bad way).

We mustn't forget the uber talented pet in all this... whether wonderdog or extremely obliging and communicative hawk.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

13. (the Evil Number ) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.

My, this could get truly warped.

[Morthoron]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

18. Your character should be directly related to one of Tolkien's characters (Aragorn's disinherited half-brother, Elrond's love child, Legolas' lesbian sister, etc.). Anonymity, bourgeois or pedestrian relations are not de rigeur in Mary-Sue fan-fic.

19. In conjunction with #17, Tolkien's characters must play integral parts in the story, and are beholden to your character in one way or another ("If it weren't for my timely aid, Gandalf would not have driven the Nazgul from Weathertop!").

20. Use Harlequin Romance novels as research tools rather than Tolkien's works (they are more canonical in Mary-Sue fiction).

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

Also: "She-elf".

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


(Your-Name)'s character

NAME:

AGE (chronological):

AGE (mental):

RACE(S):

GENDER:

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS:

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM:

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

SPECIAL PET(S):

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S):

IS IN LOVE WITH:

IS LOVED BY:

APPEARANCE: (No grey-eyed, dark-haired Elves. No Hobbits with curly brown hair and furry feet. Please pick an appearance which will show that your character is really special.)

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!):

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST:

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR:

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER:

[Morthoron]

Morthoron's character

NAME: Naugredhil

AGE (chronological): 1st Age (several thousand years)

AGE (mental): about 16

RACE(S): Half-dwarf (half-Sindarin)

GENDER: Male

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELRY/OTHER ITEMS: The Naugrond -- Hammer of the Dwarves.

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Created by Telchar in the deeps of time (he actually wittled it on a lunch break during the days he was crafting Narsil).

SPECIAL ABILITIES: A dwarf's endurance and drinking ability, with elvish acuity and fashion sense.

SPECIAL PET(S): having also the dwarvish ability to speak with birds, he has as his companion the foul-speaking myna named Harlot.

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S): He once saved Elrond from a bad hair day.

IS IN LOVE WITH: An unrequited love for the elf-maiden Rintintinavulaossea-Estelauder, whose father refused his proffer of marriage because of his unseemly height.

IS LOVED BY: No one, he does not fit in with the elves, who mock his shortness, nor the dwarves, who laugh at his parti-colored robes (Particularly the ones with the satin hoods).

APPEARANCE: He has smoldering black eyes flecked with green that turn a fiery red when he is angered. He is blessed with a wavy mop of brown hair that has silken strands of blond highlights that glisten in the early morning sun. He has a five-o'clock shadow even though he shaves constantly (having inherited a beard gene from his unknown dwarvish father). He's about 5'8'' with the gnarled muscles of the dwarven race, but his movements are agile with the predatory grace of a feline.

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): His height, which is a constant cause for melancholy.

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: His mother, a Sindarin elf, was raped by a dwarf of Tumunzahar during the sack of Menegroth after the death of Thingol. His mother, though wane from grief and embarrassment, still bore the cursed child out of a sense of duty and faith (Tolkien being Catholic and all). As she lay dying from blood loss, she uttered the famous prophecy:

All that is withered is not necessarily old,
Not all that ponder do deeply think.
Some haven't the sense to come in from the cold
Because they've had far too much to drink.

From the squat gawking up at the world --
Sorely mocked for his poor lack of height --
Shall get all the cool stuff and the girl,
In spite of his measure so slight.

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR: His mother, who just happened to be Eol's sister, was heir to Nan Elmoth. At the end of his days, Naugredhil shall steal a rowboat (knocking some Hobbit named Sam into the water), and sail out into the West. Unfortunately, he won't find Nan Elmoth because it is, of course, submerged.

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER: Ummm...because...I will eventually figure out a way to make it so?

[Nerwen]

Now I'm torn. My character was going to be Elrond's Other Daughter... but I just discovered a wonderfully absurd Daughter-of-Evil fic. I'm really tempted to base my character on that instead.

Decisions, decisions...

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

Addendum to 14.: If this is not the case, then your melancholia results from the fact that Daddy sent you to wipe out the Fellowship (which he knows all about, for reasons which will never be explained) ...and you've fallen in love with Aragorn.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

My, this could get truly warped.

Or even melatonin if you are sleep deprived.

I do hope so

[Nerwen]

And how could I forget...

22. Should all go as planned between you and the object of your lust– er, I mean admiration– remember that Gandalf moonlights as a marriage celebrant.