The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Find a post he's done on this thread? Or go around to his house and steal his gold, then post it back to him...

I would have thought that Formendacil would not lay up his gold where thieves may break through and steal--even such a thief as Bilbo, bearing riddles--so his spiders will be undisturbed whilst he is out of town.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I just now noticed this, Alien has white teeth... More like knives than teeth though...

[Morai]

What a conundrum! How would one go about repping Mr. Formendacil for his contribution?

Well, if you want to add to his reputation, the Downer is probably the last place you want to go

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Special thanks to TheGreatElvenWarrior for a couple of the mini headlines. Extra special thanks and gold to Formy for his lovely story.



This week, Alien has some advice for Phantom...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Keeping BWH's favourite tea secret is a very good thing to do, you never know what them hobbits could do with such information!

Anyway, I love the mini-headlines this week! I wonder who could ever be so brilliant to write them... But I think that Hookbill wrote about actual information in the second article. I do think that he is controlling my mind, wait I don't think I know... Just take a look at all of the evidence! And no, I have not been doing deals with Davem or Alien!

And, no. I don't think that my dreams were cheese induced. I think that it was from spending my whole day on the Barrow-Downs and then watching Doctor Who right before bedtime...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Oh, and by the way... where is the Siltmud Mtns?

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Mortals:

I believe that your ignominious article 'Gnomes Demand To Be Counted Among The Noldor' should be gnominated as the worst piece of propaganda ever gnown. I am sure this type of accusation is gnothing gnu to you, but I have a gnawing suspicion (based on the article's gnauseously gnuanced gnomenclature) that this report was spread by the Order of Gnomonically Respectable Elves (OGRE), a gnomadic group of Gnomes under the gnominal leadership of the Gnoldor...errr, excuse me, Noldor. Under the gnom de plume OGRE, this fallacious faction of gnonconformist Gnomes has long sought linkage with the Noldor (and received agnonymous subsidization from them).

We at the Affiliated Brethren Counter-Demanding an Elf-Free Gnomic Homeland (ABCDEFGH) want nothing to do with the gnaughty, haughty Noldor; however, please don't confuse us with the Hallowed Gnomes Fighting Elvish Domination: Currently, Before and After (HGFEDCBA), as they are merely a splinter group with gnumerous policy flaws and a horrid acronym. The ABCDEFGH remains commited to fighting Noldorin domination with gnathic tenacity, gnashing clenched teeth against the oppression and kin-strife gnarling elvish history in a gnumber of gnasty gnots.

Gnotably yours,
Gnonesuch the Gnome
Gnotary of the ABCDEFGH

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I would rather like one of those multicoloured coats! I think that I'll go buy one with Hookbill's life savings!

How do I get my hands on a copy of the 'Annoyingly Thick' magazine? I would like to read the stories in there!

[Laurinquë]

Ha! undoubtbly cheese induced! Hear that GEW? I love that.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Laurinquë

Ha! undoubtbly cheese induced! Hear that GEW? I love that.

I haven't eaten cheese since... the last time I had those dreams! Maybe it was cheese induced... I ate cheese today, in my beans... Will I have strange dreams when I finally go to bed?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

No cheese induced dreams last night! I am so happy!...well maybe not...

[Volo]

Black mail to the Editor

Beloved Friends (of Money and not me):

I can't help but notice that the article "Nothing is too big to be put on the Downs" says Hookbill is quite incorrect. While Sir Hookbill make have said so during his free time - in which case it is an offence to bring matters of the time free into public discussion - the Black Mail Historians, of which I am a proud representative, claim that there is actually no mention of a "Sir Hookbill" saying "Nothing is too big to be put on the Downs" or anything resembling "Nothing is too big to be put on the Downs" in any of Miss Black Jack Black in Black Mail Jack Mail's mother's personal diaries. It of course means that the Downer is under no authority to claim otherwise.

If you have any intentions of preserving your public image (which, if I were you, I'd renovate in any case), send the sum of two hundred (200) black rings to the address of the sender - he shall be needing them. If not, why don't fault me, I warned you!

Midregards,
Olov the Scaled
Janitor of the Black Mail Historians
Black Hail Alley 1O 10U 100C 1000H
Failblackmailtown, Neil

[Morai]

Hookbill a manipulator? Never! He is the most wonderful wight living, and would never do such a thing! In fact, I think he's on his way to becoming the first journalistic saint. Mm...I like cheese........

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Morai

Hookbill a manipulator? Never! He is the most wonderful wight living, and would never do such a thing! In fact, I think he's on his way to becoming the first journalistic saint. Mm...I like cheese........

Wait, he's the most wonderful wight living? And here I was thinking that Barrow-Wights were all dead...
But I agree with you, Hookbill is the most wonderful wight! And I did not write the article. I'm pretty sure Hookbill did...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

LETTER TO THE EDITOR
From
Gnonesuch the Gnome
Gnotary of the ABCDEFGH

Dear Gnonesuch,

I don't much like your tone of voice. Therefore, I'm sending you a life-time supply of sulfuric acid through your water pipes.

Take a bath!
- Jim the Public relations officer.

Originally Posted by Volo

Black mail to the Editor
from
Olov the Scaled
Janitor of the Black Mail Historians

Dear sir,

The Downer refuses to engage in legitimate business proposals. Our accountant has all the illegal and highly morally questionable money to deal with. We are therefore forwarding your letter on to the Editor in Chief of The Barrow tabloid newspaper.
Hoping you have success,

- Harrold the new Public relations officer.

Originally Posted by TheGreatElvenWarrior

Wait, he's the most wonderful wight living? And here I was thinking that Barrow-Wights were all dead...
Nut I agree with you, Hookbill is the most wonderful wight! And I did not write the article. I'm pretty sure Hookbill did...

Actually, if you take a care to READ what was written, it becomes clear that that excellent article was written by Mr Formendacil. Great scotsman's ghost, don't people read anymore? Do I have to use the Hitler poster again?

[Eönwë]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

The Downer refuses to engage in legitimate business proposals. Our accountant has all the illegal and highly morally questionable money to deal with. We are therefore forwarding your letter on to the Editor in Chief of The Barrow tabloid newspaper.
Hoping you have success,

- Harrold the new Public relations officer.

You don't think they might right about it, do you? That would just be preposterous! Showing an eemy newspaper in a bad light like that!

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Actually, if you take a care to READ what was written, it becomes clear that that excellent article was written by Mr Formendacil. Great scotsman's ghost, don't people read anymore? Do I have to use the Hitler poster again?

Yes I read it, I wasn't sure which article was his though.... Of course I'm not the brightest of people, so I could've missed it.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well, if you want to add to his reputation, the Downer is probably the last place you want to go (Morai)

What do you think of Morai's post?
( ) I approve
( x ) I disapprove
Your comments on this post:
Reputation ain't always a good thing. For example, Four Men To Kill (aka Four Men Do Gah!) has a reputation for being a person with intense dislike for sprouts*.

__________________
*May be false. In fact, I think it is.

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by TheGreatElvenWarrior

Oh, and by the way... where is the Siltmud Mtns?

North of Gobbledegookia, on the I-47.887, about five leagues or so out of Tel-e-vishon, across from the Happy Flowers Asylum for Small Puppies. Can't miss it.

[quote=Hookbill the Goomba]Great scotsman's ghost, don't people read anymore? Do I have to use the Hitler poster again?{/quote]

Well, literacy has taken quite a hit since the publication of the Downer commenced. Why be literate, if this is as good as it gets?

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

I would have thought that Formendacil would not lay up his gold where thieves may break through and steal--even such a thief as Bilbo, bearing riddles--so his spiders will be undisturbed whilst he is out of town.

That assumes, of course, that I have gold... and what with being a student and all, that is an unfounded assumption, I would say--about it solidly built as a mountain made of mud and silt. If I have any gold, it would take a keen burglar with the nose to smell it and the brutality to trash the place to even find it.

Besides, those cobwebs are getting a little thick... they could use a disturbing.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Formendacil

North of Gobbledegookia, on the I-47.887, about five leagues or so out of Tel-e-vishon, across from the Happy Flowers Asylum for Small Puppies. Can't miss it.

Thank 'ee, I must go there sometime now that I know where to go...

Originally Posted by Formendancil

Well, literacy has taken quite a hit since the publication of the Downer commenced. Why be literate, if this is as good as it gets?

The Downer, best thing since mouldy lunches.

[Eönwë]

Originally Posted by Formendacil

Well, literacy has taken quite a hit since the publication of the Downer commenced. Why be literate, if this is as good as it gets?

The Downer: Better than a punch in the stomach-
Eönwë Magazine. Rating for the Downer-1/2*

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Eönwë

The Downer: Better than a punch in the stomach-
Eönwë Magazine. Rating for the Downer-1/2*

Review:

Originally Posted by Wannabe Magazine

"Definitely put together in less than an hour. Much better than any other paper that I have read since the Barrow. I have been reading the Downer since about week 57 and I have been very happy with it except for the bad articles (week -20 through 198) The Downer is a fine newspaper printed on the bark of ents no doubt, so I have reason to believe that this newspaper has reached the qualities that we look for in a newspaper. It has hit 5 out of 100 things that every newspaper needs and therefore it is there amongst the greatest of newspapers. Much better than the Frowner, which was what took the Downer's place as newspaper of the Downs. I believe that the Downer has held the only paper that I read place for quite some time, and I believe that it will continue to do so until the next newspaper comes out."
-Ima Critique
Wannabe Critique

[Eönwë]

Well, I was just joking TGEW.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Eönwë

Well, I was just joking TGEW.

So was I...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

You'll get your fill of news if you eat The Downer...

Thanks to TGEW for the mini-headlines....



This week, The Phantom has an idea...

[Eönwë]

Oh no! Is there any way we can recover the lost fragments of the newspaper. Or will they b e lost forever in the Void

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOWNER?!?!?! I couldn't even read most of the story, do something!

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Originally Posted by TheGreatElvenWarrior

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOWNER?!?!?! I couldn't even read most of the story, do something!

Dont worry, this was clearly not the true Downer. . . I was not even mentioned, it must be fake one then.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Rune Son of Bjarne

Dont worry, this was clearly not the true Downer. . . I was not even mentioned, it must be fake one then.

I don't think you were mentioned in the last one either, so does that mean it's a fake too?

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Originally Posted by TheGreatElvenWarrior

I don't think you were mentioned in the last one either, so does that mean it's a fake too?

yes

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Rune Son of Bjarne

yes

You might want to petition Hookbill to bring out the "real" Downer then!

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editorial Staff:

As a fan of the band 'Tables and Chairs', I must tell you your paper doesn't have a leg to stand on. The only controversies surrounding the band are those you newspaper types make up. Like your review of their first album, 'Tabled Conversations', where all your reviewer said was "the Tables are flat." Or the review for their last album 'Full Tables, Empty Chairs', Where the snarky writer quipped: "I don't know from full tables, but I do agree there will be a lot of empty seats when it comes time for them to tour." What kind of reviews are those anyways?

I find T&C both cerebral and sardonically dark, combining biting wit and political satire in the context of variating moods of mellifluous strains of old-world acoustic folk and orchestrally derived hard-driving rock. In regards to their continued 'go-green' environmental stance, they will be headlining an all-star benefit for the survivors of The Downer's savage mass-culling of woodland animals next Saturday at the Upson Downs Racetrack, Casino and Convenience Store. The Concert will be called BANDDAID (Bands Against Naughty Downers Depopulating Animals In Distress), and will air on public access cable channels in Hobbiton, Old Forest, Michel Delving and Buckland. The event will be sponsored by such environmentally ethical corporations and groups as Old Nag's Glue Factory, Tyson's Industrial Chicken Processing, Great Caesar's Sludge Removal and the National Rifle Association. Looking to see you there!

Regards,
P. R. Savvy
Talent Agent
Megalith Multimedia Marketing LLC
"Where the only bad news is no news!"

[Morai]

Pfft, no worries people. My pet barlog just got a little hungry on our tour of the print press room.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Morai

Pfft, no worries people. My pet barlog just got a little hungry on our tour of the print press room.

Oh, well then. I guess we'll just have to punish said "pet balrog"...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Extra special thanks and cakes to Formendacil for his excellent story on murdering Hobbits!



So, one hundred Phantom and Alien comics. You must all be sick of them by now...



Please send your complaints to;

Mr Moreduck, Editor in Cheif
The Barrow Newspaper
57 Old Barrow Way
West Downshire
Barrow Downs
BD27 G46

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Chainsaws and static! My goodness! Worst one ever*!

.

*according to the latest pole in the alternating current electromagnet. Or something like that.

[Nerwen]

Oh no, we'll never be sick of Phantom and Alien. You're going to be doing these for the rest of your life...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Oh no, we'll never be sick of Phantom and Alien. You're going to be doing these for the rest of your life...

Oh Dear...

There was talk of a P&A sing-song, but, due to one thing and another, it never happened. Maybe at Christmas. Until then...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

That P and A made me laugh so much I'm crying, it's a good thing my tea wasn't done yet or else it would've gotten all over the computer...

Anyway...

Dear Mr Moreduck,
Why are we sending our complaints to you for the Phantom and Alien comic? You don't even work at The Downer! I'm suing you for your fraudulent newspaper and trying to take credit for things that you didn't do. I hope you're happy now!

Thank you for taking time to read my short letter, I expect to see you in court!

~A worried customer....

[Groin Redbeard]

Bravo Mr Hookbill! A thrilling tale of evil geniouses, stolen tin openers, and sick aliens! Absolutely brillient!