Hilarious LOTR poems - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Eruwen · 11-23-2002, 08:16 PM

Hey. I didn't know where to put this, so I put it in this section. I found the most hialrious poem someone wrote about LOTR on another site. Here is is...

GREEN EGGS AND LEMBAS
by "Whistler"

Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS
by Dr. Seuss

(Scene: Bag End, after Bilbo’s party)

GANDALF:
That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam!
I do not like that Samwise-Sam!

FRODO:
Would you like some bread and jam?

GANDALF:
I do not want your bread and jam.
I’m busy being mad at Sam.
He likes to sneak. He likes to spy.
I’ll grind him up for hobbit pie!

FRODO:
Oh, do not grind him up for pie!
He is a pretty handy guy.
He mows my grass. He paints my gate.
He is my friend. We both are straight.

GANDALF:
Well, then, I will not grind up Sam!
Bring me bread, and bring me jam!
We’ll talk about another thing.
Tell me, do you have the ring?

FRODO:
I have the ring. I have it here.
But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I fear the ring is very bad,
The golden ring that Bilbo had!
Tell me, will you take the ring?

GANDALF:
I will not take that evil thing!

FRODO:
Would you, could you, by the fire?
Would you, could you, in the Shire?

GANDALF:
I would not, could not, by the fire.
I would not, could not, in the Shire.

FRODO:
Would you, could you, in a tree?
Would you, on the road to Bree?
Would you, with an orc or troll?
Would you, in a hobbit-hole?

GANDALF:
I would not, could not, in a tree.
I would not, on the road to Bree.
I would not, with an orc or troll.
I would not, in a hobbit-hole.
I will not take it here or there,
I will not take it anywhere!
For it is bad. It’s as you say.
You’ll have to take that ring away
And throw it in the Cracks of Doom!

FRODO:
I’ll need a friend. But who, or whom?

(Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying)

SAM:
Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here!
He’ll wash me down with beer, I fear!
I do not wish to be a pie!

GANDALF:
I will not eat you, little spy!
But I will send you far away.
You both will go away today.
You’ll go to Bree. A man is there.
The man looks foul. The man feels fair.
He’ll lead you both, if all goes well,
To meet the elves in Rivendell.

SAM:
Oh, Master! We will meet the elves!
We’ll get to meet the elves ourselves
And hear them sing their elven songs!
We’ll hear them bong their elven-gongs
And strum their elven loola-lutes!
They’ll hoot their elven hooty-toots!

GANDALF:
I hope you’ll hear those loola-lutes
And hear the hoots of hooty-toots!
But go with care. To be a pie
Is better than to meet the Eye!
The Eye is mean. The Eye is red.
He rules nine Riders. They are dead.
They’ll try to make you dead, as well.
But will they catch you? Time will tell!

FRODO:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess!
We’ll have to fix this mess, I guess.
So we will go, just Sam and me.
And what will happen? We will see!

(Fade)

LOl!!! That is hilarious!!!!!!!

Had anyone else wrote or found any other ones?

11-23-2002, 08:47 PM

HAHA ERUWEN! What a great poem you have stumbled upon! Hats off to you! Wow I think i need to take a nap or something after laughing so hard! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Pookabunny · 11-23-2002, 11:23 PM

Oh man that rocked. I'm laughing my bootie off here!!!

I'm always looking for spoofs - and that one is D-Y-N-O-M-I-T-E!

Estelyn Telcontar · 11-24-2002, 02:31 PM

Very funny, and definitely a candidate for Middle-earth Mayhem!

Susan Delgado · 11-27-2002, 01:00 AM

"Elven hooty-toots" hehehehe

good idea at the time · 12-01-2002, 11:45 PM

Oh, that was one of the funniest things I've read in quite a while. Great job!

Max · 12-02-2002, 09:36 AM

The elven instruments sound a bit scary but other than that the entire thing was freak'n hilarious.

Maxdout

Max · 12-02-2002, 12:39 PM

I saw some one write their own version of the "in the land of mordor" poem, so i thought i'd cop-off them. The first line was a lot like theirs, and nothing could beat their "pie" verse (very funny).

Three rings for the Elven-Kings who never seem to die,
Seven for the Dwarf-Lords (the most indignant of the lot),
Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to fry,
One for the Dark Lord who seems to be on pot
In the land of Mordor where the mean people lie.
One ring to fool them all,
One ring behind them,
One ring to shove them all
And in the darkness bind them
In the land of Mordor where the mean people lie.

Maxdout

good idea at the time · 12-04-2002, 10:49 AM

Yay Max! Good one. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Artanis · 12-10-2002, 09:48 PM

All of it is very funkylicious and hobbity! Keep up the good work! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Eruwen · 12-11-2002, 05:43 PM

Lol. That was funny! I am trying to find more sequal writings to "Green Eggs and Lembas", but I havn't found any yet. Omg, that is funny. Thanks Max!

-Imrahil- · 12-11-2002, 05:50 PM

Hilarious [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

I especially liked Gandalf's lines.

the guy who be short · 05-25-2003, 03:37 PM

that was an extremely funny poem. just bumping it so others can enjoy it.

Meela · 05-25-2003, 05:07 PM

Yes, very good!

Alatariel Telemnar · 05-28-2003, 04:52 PM

these are really good poems [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

Horse-Maiden of the Shire · 06-02-2003, 03:07 PM

Booya. back online!

I love that poem! I think I'll print it out or something.... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Now I know where the "Oh, do not grind him up for pie!" quote came from...

11-23-2002, 08:16 PM	#1
Eruwen Registered User Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 892	Hilarious LOTR poems Hey. I didn't know where to put this, so I put it in this section. I found the most hialrious poem someone wrote about LOTR on another site. Here is is... GREEN EGGS AND LEMBAS by "Whistler" Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS by Dr. Seuss (Scene: Bag End, after Bilbo’s party) GANDALF: That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam! I do not like that Samwise-Sam! FRODO: Would you like some bread and jam? GANDALF: I do not want your bread and jam. I’m busy being mad at Sam. He likes to sneak. He likes to spy. I’ll grind him up for hobbit pie! FRODO: Oh, do not grind him up for pie! He is a pretty handy guy. He mows my grass. He paints my gate. He is my friend. We both are straight. GANDALF: Well, then, I will not grind up Sam! Bring me bread, and bring me jam! We’ll talk about another thing. Tell me, do you have the ring? FRODO: I have the ring. I have it here. But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I fear the ring is very bad, The golden ring that Bilbo had! Tell me, will you take the ring? GANDALF: I will not take that evil thing! FRODO: Would you, could you, by the fire? Would you, could you, in the Shire? GANDALF: I would not, could not, by the fire. I would not, could not, in the Shire. FRODO: Would you, could you, in a tree? Would you, on the road to Bree? Would you, with an orc or troll? Would you, in a hobbit-hole? GANDALF: I would not, could not, in a tree. I would not, on the road to Bree. I would not, with an orc or troll. I would not, in a hobbit-hole. I will not take it here or there, I will not take it anywhere! For it is bad. It’s as you say. You’ll have to take that ring away And throw it in the Cracks of Doom! FRODO: I’ll need a friend. But who, or whom? (Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying) SAM: Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here! He’ll wash me down with beer, I fear! I do not wish to be a pie! GANDALF: I will not eat you, little spy! But I will send you far away. You both will go away today. You’ll go to Bree. A man is there. The man looks foul. The man feels fair. He’ll lead you both, if all goes well, To meet the elves in Rivendell. SAM: Oh, Master! We will meet the elves! We’ll get to meet the elves ourselves And hear them sing their elven songs! We’ll hear them bong their elven-gongs And strum their elven loola-lutes! They’ll hoot their elven hooty-toots! GANDALF: I hope you’ll hear those loola-lutes And hear the hoots of hooty-toots! But go with care. To be a pie Is better than to meet the Eye! The Eye is mean. The Eye is red. He rules nine Riders. They are dead. They’ll try to make you dead, as well. But will they catch you? Time will tell! FRODO: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess! We’ll have to fix this mess, I guess. So we will go, just Sam and me. And what will happen? We will see! (Fade) LOl!!! That is hilarious!!!!!!! Had anyone else wrote or found any other ones?

11-23-2002, 11:23 PM	#3
Pookabunny Wight Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: The only place that matters! Posts: 181	Oh man that rocked. I'm laughing my bootie off here!!! I'm always looking for spoofs - and that one is D-Y-N-O-M-I-T-E! __________________ "I love you more than I did the week before, I discovered alcohol" - Bare Naked Ladies

11-24-2002, 02:31 PM	#4
Estelyn Telcontar Princess of Skwerlz Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: where the Sea is eastwards (WtR: 6060 miles) Posts: 7,499	Very funny, and definitely a candidate for Middle-earth Mayhem! __________________ 'Mercy!' cried Gandalf. 'If the giving of information is to be the cure of your inquisitiveness, I shall spend all the rest of my days in answering you. What more do you want to know?' 'The whole history of Middle-earth...'

11-27-2002, 01:00 AM	#5
Susan Delgado The Perished Flame Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: behind my eyes Posts: 1,096	"Elven hooty-toots" hehehehe __________________ "Man as a whole, Man pitted against the universe, have we seen him at all 'til we see that he is like a hero in a fairy tale?"

12-01-2002, 11:45 PM	#6
good idea at the time Animated Skeleton Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 42	Oh, that was one of the funniest things I've read in quite a while. Great job! __________________ The road goes ever on and on

11-23-2002, 08:47 PM	#2
Aragorn186 Guest Posts: n/a	HAHA ERUWEN! What a great poem you have stumbled upon! Hats off to you! Wow I think i need to take a nap or something after laughing so hard! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

12-02-2002, 09:36 AM	#7
Max Pile O'Bones Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: 7th Circle of Hell - Just near Anne Nicole Smith's house Posts: 19	The elven instruments sound a bit scary but other than that the entire thing was freak'n hilarious. Maxdout __________________ Do not disturb my slumber. OR THERE WILL BE DOOOOOOOOM. Favorite quote: Belethiriel, "In the Land of Mordor, where all eat pie."

12-02-2002, 12:39 PM	#8
Max Pile O'Bones Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: 7th Circle of Hell - Just near Anne Nicole Smith's house Posts: 19	I saw some one write their own version of the "in the land of mordor" poem, so i thought i'd cop-off them. The first line was a lot like theirs, and nothing could beat their "pie" verse (very funny). Three rings for the Elven-Kings who never seem to die, Seven for the Dwarf-Lords (the most indignant of the lot), Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to fry, One for the Dark Lord who seems to be on pot In the land of Mordor where the mean people lie. One ring to fool them all, One ring behind them, One ring to shove them all And in the darkness bind them In the land of Mordor where the mean people lie. Maxdout __________________ Do not disturb my slumber. OR THERE WILL BE DOOOOOOOOM. Favorite quote: Belethiriel, "In the Land of Mordor, where all eat pie."

12-04-2002, 10:49 AM	#9
good idea at the time Animated Skeleton Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 42	Yay Max! Good one. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] __________________ The road goes ever on and on

12-10-2002, 09:48 PM	#10
Artanis Haunting Spirit Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: The Wild (I just love solar powered computers, don't you? Posts: 53	All of it is very funkylicious and hobbity! Keep up the good work! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] __________________ Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Gandy!

12-11-2002, 05:43 PM	#11
Eruwen Registered User Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 892	Lol. That was funny! I am trying to find more sequal writings to "Green Eggs and Lembas", but I havn't found any yet. Omg, that is funny. Thanks Max!

12-11-2002, 05:50 PM	#12
-Imrahil- Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dol Amroth, upon the Bay of Belfalas Posts: 259	Hilarious [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] I especially liked Gandalf's lines. __________________ My body is broken. I go to my fathers. And even in their mighty company I shall not now be ashamed. I felled the black serpent. A grim morn, and a glad day, and a golden sunset!

05-25-2003, 03:37 PM	#13
the guy who be short Shadowed Prince Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Thulcandra Posts: 2,343	that was an extremely funny poem. just bumping it so others can enjoy it.

05-25-2003, 05:07 PM	#14
Meela Denethor's True Love Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Mirkwood. With Thranduil... swoon Posts: 2,049	Yes, very good! __________________ 'The Hobbit' 1st impressions: 1. Thorin is hot... Oh god, I fancy a dwarf. 2. Thranduil is hotter. 3. Is that... Figwit! 4. Does Elijah Wood never age? 2nd: It's all about Fili & Kili, really. 3rd: BARD! OMG, Bard.

05-28-2003, 04:52 PM	#15
Alatariel Telemnar Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: watching the ants closing in Posts: 292	these are really good poems [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] __________________ -Ever wonder whats beyond those trees? -More trees. 'Poor ye. Ye're tied to someone who's been photographed trying to shave their hand... My condolences.'

06-02-2003, 03:07 PM	#16
Horse-Maiden of the Shire Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Chillaxin' with Glorfindel-441 miles on the RtR Posts: 1,197	Booya. back online! I love that poem! I think I'll print it out or something.... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Now I know where the "Oh, do not grind him up for pie!" quote came from... __________________ "There's a big...machine in the sky...some kind of electric snake...coming straight at us." "Shoot it," said my attorney. "Not yet...I want to study its habits."