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Old 08-17-2002, 02:41 AM   #1
HerenIstarion
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ME jokes and funny stories

Well, methinks it would be fun [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] In this thread ME related jokes and funny stories are to be posted . Here we go:

* * *

Elrond, Gandalf and some elves sitting near the hearth at Rivendell. Sound of steps from the roof, coughs, swearing. Then a ring falls into the hearth. Gandalf:
“Don’t you worry, chaps, that’s Frodo practicing”

* * *

When Ar-Pharazon’s fleet approached Aman, Valar laid down their authority and applied to Eru:
- What is to be done, oh the One?
- Make the sea swallow Numenor, and paint Sauron green
- But why green?
- I knew that the first one would not meet any objections at all

* * *

Once Celeborn was beating his wife. Gimli, hearing her cries, took his battleaxe and rushed to her aid. When he came back to his senses with a horrible head-ache, he asked:
- What happened to me?
- You felt the power of the Lord of of the Galadhrim, answered Haldir

* * *

Before the beginning of time Eru asked Melkor:
- Whom you want to be, o Ainu?
- I wanna be a warlord
- But the Enemy may beat you
- Than I wanna be an Enemy


* * *

Bilbo sailing to Valinor: “how old I am now, gollm, gollm... er, I mean, eh, eh”

* * *

Pippin in the battle at the gate of Mordor: “Goats, Goats are coming”
“This one also was watching Palantir-night shows” – thought Gandalf

* * *

Saruman sitting in Orthanc amidst a dirty pool. Gandalf passing by:
“What happened? Ents again?”
“not ents. Plumbers”

* * *

Lo! Lords and knights and men of valour unashamed, kings and princes, and fair people of Gondor, and Riders of Rohan, and ye sons of Elrond, and Dnedain of the North, and Elf and Dwarf, and greathearts of the Shire, and all free folk of the West, now listen to my lay. For I will sing to you of Beren of the One and, Frodo of the Nine Fingers, Sauron of the One Eye, Samwise the Brainless and other cripples and maims of Middle-Earth...

* * *

“Nice-ss-s fis-s-sh” hissed Smeagol climbing down to water
“Fatty Smeagol” – thought piranhas gathered near the bank, but their hope was vain...

* * *

Minas-Anor at the begining of the 4th age. Tiny black-skinned creature runs to and fro with a tiny golden ingot in hand and yells: “I’m a Lord here, obey me”
But nobody believes it...

* * *

A pillar near nargothrond with an engraved announcement:
“Talking lizard draconius glaurungus escaped from Angband Zoo. Please return if found. Don’t keep, don’t feed– an animal is ill (Megalomania)”

[ August 17, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]

[ August 29, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!

Last edited by HerenIstarion; 02-12-2012 at 07:24 PM.
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Old 08-17-2002, 09:03 PM   #2
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Ring

Haha! Hilarious!
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Old 08-18-2002, 07:13 PM   #3
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How do you keep Samwise in suspense?
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Old 08-18-2002, 07:17 PM   #4
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Eye

Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:38 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nevfeniel View Post
Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
But what does the first one mean?
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:59 PM   #6
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Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Modified jokes I've seen lately

- Smeagol, where does Sauron keep his armies?
- In his sleevies.

~~~

Sam couldn't break into the Tower of Cirith Ungol, so he broke into song.

~~~

Bert the Troll wondered where the sun was. Then it dawned on him.

~~~

Starving in Mirkwood Bilbo kept thinking, It's hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.
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Old 05-22-2019, 01:19 AM   #7
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Q: How many Men does it take to kill an Elf?
A: One.
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Old 05-24-2019, 02:52 AM   #8
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Old 08-18-2002, 11:37 PM   #9
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Sting

heh, Burra, nice sig.

another one:

When in Sammath Naur Frodo claimed Ring for his own, and announced himself a Master of it, he said in a deep voice:
- Now we can play a fool for a bit

It is reported that Sauron was cast from wall to wall in his tower for more than two hours
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
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Old 08-19-2002, 01:40 PM   #10
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Silmaril

Hehe, they are very funny! I wish I could come up with things like that, I guess I'm just not a very funny person!
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Old 08-23-2002, 06:12 PM   #11
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Tolkien

Haha! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Those are great! I like the first one, and the one about plumbers! Those are the best!
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Old 08-29-2002, 03:18 AM   #12
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Sting

new entries:

* * *

Gandalf grumbling climbs up the Endless Stair:
“what a bad taste in jokes this Legolas has. Just imagine me walking on a narrow bridge and him yelling “Balrog , Balrog”


* * *

Gimli: Gandalf, you are white now!
Gandalf: Yes, son of Gloin, deep is the abyss that is spanned by Durin's Bridge, and mighty are the chalk-fields at the bottom of it…
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 08-31-2002, 03:37 AM   #13
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Sting

For a month after the battle with Balrog Gandalf had no news of the world, so he was very puzzled when he got rumours of Dark Lord's diminishing in stature and feet hair growth.
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 08-31-2002, 09:32 AM   #14
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Tolkien

In geometry our teacher was reading the days lesson aloud to us when farther down the page we came to tiny little drawings. There was a question following.
"Which of these has the characteristics of an ork?" Honestly thats what it said!!! All of us lotr-freaks were sitting in a corrner and pointing to one another then to the book and laughing. it was werid..
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Old 09-01-2002, 08:14 PM   #15
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Ha ha ha ha ha those were good!!! I liked the one w/ Eru and Melkor and the other one about painting Sauron green. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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Old 09-05-2002, 02:02 AM   #16
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Sting

9 worms are crowling beneath the feet of Midolluin. Not far away newly rebuilt gates of Minas Anor are gleaming in the sun. One of the worms applies to another, who's wearing a golden crown:
- Com'on, Angmar, let us dig under Aragorn
- Hush, don't you remember how we tried to dig under Gandalf?
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 10-23-2002, 02:52 AM   #17
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Sting

Gimli: Dear Sam, today your cooking was extraordinary...
Sam (blushing): Really?
Gimli: Yeah, even [i[my[/i] stomach rises...

* * *

Gimli is visiting Legolas in Mirkwood. On the wall of elf’s chamber there is a hide of fell beast hanged
Gimli: whoa, Lego, how many arrows did you spend to get this thing?
Legolas: 47
Gimli: And how many times did you hit it?
Legolas: never
Gimli: yet how did you manage to kill it?
Legolas: It suffocated because of laughter


* * *

“What a cracked idea – set a hedge in a cellar! What for?” Thought drunken Bilbo walking around the barrel in Thrandul’s cellar
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 10-23-2002, 02:02 PM   #18
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Sting

hee hee! These are good!
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Old 10-26-2002, 04:51 PM   #19
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1420!

How would you like that?
A Nazgul comes to Hobbiton and asks:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left.
The next day he comes and asks again:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. Don’t know when he’ll be back.
The next day
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. If you don’t stop haunting me, I’ll call Gandalf!
On the fourth day the Nazgul comes again and asks
-Is Gandalf here?
-No,- answers the perplexed hobbit
-And baggins?
####################
The beginning of the Fourth Age. Some hobbits are sitting in a clearing drinking beer. From the bushes there darts Frodo madly shouting ‘Nazgul!!!’ The company scatter in all directions. When everyone calms down and gets out of the bushes, Frodo is nowhere to be seen. And neither are beer and snacks…
####################
Once Merry and Pippin indulged in elven liquor and made a row. The next day they woke up on the ruins of Isengard. And don’t you blame the Ents, that’s that!
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Где найти мне сил, чтобы вернуться через века,
Чтобы ты - простил?..
А трава разлуки высока...
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Old 10-26-2002, 09:15 PM   #20
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Pipe

How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?.......None .Thay don't have light bulbs.
Thats stupid I know.
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Old 10-28-2002, 05:18 AM   #21
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Sting

hya Akhtene, we drink from the same well there, I surmise [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 10-28-2002, 05:18 PM   #22
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Sting

Most probably. "Kulichki", right?
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Где найти мне сил, чтобы вернуться через века,
Чтобы ты - простил?..
А трава разлуки высока...
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Old 10-28-2002, 11:04 PM   #23
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akhtene, I loved those!!!
Arwen
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Old 10-29-2002, 12:14 AM   #24
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Sting

not only, but yes, definitely [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 11-12-2002, 03:52 AM   #25
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Sting

Archery Contest in Mirkwood. Tall, but slender elf comes out with a medium bow, bends it sends an arrow right into the aplle of the mark
"I'm Legolas" proclaims he and goes back to his seat

Another one, still taller and kingly looking, approaches the spot, bends his large bow and hits the feather of Legolas' arrow, which is torn apart

"I'm Thranduil" Cries he out loudly and goes back to his seat

Third one comes out. One of the astonishing height, large limbs and enourmous breast. He bends his gigantic bow, sends an arrow size of a log which hits Thranduil, knocks him over and drags Legolas who happens to be seated right behind deep into the forest.

Third elf looks up and roars:

"I'm Sorry"
...and goes back to his seat
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 11-14-2002, 05:44 PM   #26
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As you know, Finwe had three sons. Feanor was the most skillful and eloquent; Fingolfin – firm and valiant; Finarfin – fair and wise. If there had been a FOOL among them – the tale would have had a HAPPY END.
####################

-How did elves call Morgoth?
-They didn’t call him. He came by himself.
####################

Who said that Smaug drowned? The Loch-Ness monster is still alive, so why should Smaug be dead?
####################

-Knock-knock!
- Who’s there?
- Do you want the ring, my preciousssss?
- Nooo!
In the morning Bilbo wakes up with a thick head, but the Ring is gone…
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Где найти мне сил, чтобы вернуться через века,
Чтобы ты - простил?..
А трава разлуки высока...
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Old 11-18-2002, 05:20 AM   #27
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Sting

lol

alas, but Morgoth came by himself indeed
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 02-19-2003, 04:11 AM   #28
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Sting

new entries:

***

Among the ents Sam was known as a gifted barber

***

'Well, what may you be doing here, bum-burarum?'
Asked Fangorn
'Nothing! Leastways I was just trimming the grass-border…'
Those were the last wors of Sam Gamgee…

***

In the Internet-cafe “Prancing Pony” some of the PCs were supplied with Windows 98 special edition – RoundWindows ™ 98 -
just in case hobbits came along...


***
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:02 AM   #29
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some more, after a break

***
When Beorn was young, he was quite thin, bald, cachetic and undersized, But once he fell into the Entwash...

***

Two doctors in an asylum:

Doctor #1: And this here chap is our gravest case - he thinks he's an elf
Doctor #2: I can't believe he's incurable!
Doctor #1: Do believe me, he's here since 1645, and still there is no improvement, no imrovement at all!

***

Imrahil comes up to Minas-Tirith walls. There is disorder and panic there.

Imrahil: What's the matter?
Some soldier: We've heard rumours, Lord, that Rohirrim are coming,
Imrahil: So it is a good news, what are you scared of?
Soldier: They say that when the Riders come from Rohan each would bring behind him a halfling warrior, small maybe, but hard, bold, and wicked. And that on top of those here orks and haradrim! May the Valar turn them aside...

***

Elrond complains to Galadriel:

E: Crazy ways of my daughter will break my heart. She refuses to go to the West, and weeps for this Aragorn guy all the time. What have I sinned to deserve it?
G: Don't you worry, Elrond, dear, it's just awkward age of hers. Wait couple of millenia, it will heal itself, you'll see

***

cheers
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:08 AM   #30
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an another one

The following one refers to movie version (and actually was concerned with crocodiles, to be honest )

So:

Gandalf on Caradhras raises his hands and starts murmuring

Aragorn: What is all about, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I'm scaring Crebain away!
Aragorn: But there are no Crebain this high!
Gandalf: Exactly, As I'm very good at scaring them away!
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 07-14-2004, 11:43 AM   #31
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Sting

All these are funny! But, alas, I am not the funny type and am otherwise incapable of making such merriment. Although, I am known, not so fondly at that, to meddle with minds and confuse the unaware. Keep the jokes flowing, though!
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Old 07-15-2004, 12:00 AM   #32
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Do pay for your passage, dear trolls...

Trolley-bus is a carrier devised by Morgoth in mockery of an Ento-bus
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 09-19-2004, 08:47 PM   #33
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I had something strange happen today I had my music test it was basically about describing the music like the beat the rythm etc Anyway it was a listening test and the 4th question was on hope and memory from the return of the king.

Hee I was like alright I know when this is I know what scene this is in everyone was in shhh I was like "sorry but I know when this is" and my friend who doesn't like lord of the rings was like "OH NO"
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Old 09-21-2004, 02:38 AM   #34
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Some centuries after the fall of Sauron. In Valinor, Celembrimbor (C) and Galadriel (G) converse:

C: Honey, you know, I've been reading one of those modern novels humans write in Hither Lands and we occassionaly get by Palantir transmissions...
G: So, dear, what bothers you?
C: There is a term applied to one of the heroes, I can't get what it may stand for. He acts strangely too... you know, visiting ladies by night, with a ladder! Funny, that. I looked it up in "Laws and Customs Among the Eldar", but could not find anything to match, you know...
G: Yes, dear, I'm listening?
C: And you are so wise, maybe you can explain things to me?
G: Of course, dear, don't be afraid to tell me, what troubles you?
C: Um, what is a 'lover'?
G: A 'lover'? Let me see, I seem to remember something... lover, lover, hm-mm... Ah, yes, I remember!

Galadriel runs swiftly to the wardrobe and jerks the door open.

G: Here, dear, this is the lover!

Indicating the small bearded skeleton crouched in the far corner of it...

***

Going back to the initial post, on page one:

Evening in Rivendell. Same company - Elrond, his council and Gandalf, some dozen people overall, by the hearth. Again, some coughs, muttering, swearing from the roof, some scrabbing in the chimney followed by some dozen of bright golden rings falling out.

Elrond: Surely, it's Frodo having his excercise again? Is it not a bit late? They set out tomorrow!
Gandalf: No, you forget it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus, he brought us presents according to our ultimate desire...
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Last edited by HerenIstarion; 09-27-2004 at 01:55 AM. Reason: typo, punctuation
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Old 09-21-2004, 04:50 PM   #35
Zebedee
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(Gandalf standing on bridge, Balrog coming)
Gandalf: I am a servent of the secret fire
Balrog: What secret fire.
Gandalf: Oops, gave it away, going to have to kill you now.


How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb?
12, one to threaten them with a Nazgul, one to screw it in, and ten to fight of Sauruman's Uruk-hai who have orders not to use it.
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Old 09-26-2004, 03:05 PM   #36
The Perky Ent
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Silmaril

Aragorn: There it is! The Bridge of Khazad-Dum!
Legolas: Oh great!
Aragorn: Look! There's the Balrog from chapter 24!
Gandalf: What's he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. He asks each traveller five questions--
Gimli: Three Questions
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions.
Aragorn: three questions, may cross in safety.
Legolas: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast...into the Endless drop of Moria!!!!
Legolas: Oh, I won't go!
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Legolas!
Legolas: Yes?
Aragorn: Brave Sir Legolas, you go!
Legolas: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Boromir go?
Boromir: Yes, le me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then--
Aragorn: No, no, no...hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions--
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch...and pray!
Boromir: I understand, my liege.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Sir Boromir! God be with you!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Boromir: My name is Sir Boromir of Minas Tirith!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Boromir: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Boromir: Blue.
Balrog: Right, off you go.
Boromir: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Legolas: That's easy!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Legolas: As me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Legolas: Sir Legolas of Mirkwood!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Legolas: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the capital of Cardolan?
Legolas: I don't know THAT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*The Balrog whips Legolas off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Gimli: Sir Gimli of Erebor!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Gimli: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Gimli: Blue! No...YELLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!
*Balrog whips Gimli off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, Chieftan of the Dunedain!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Aragorn: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen fell-beast?
Aragorn: What do you mean? From Mordor, or Carn Dum?
Balrog: Huh? What? I...I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Balrog slips off Bridge into the chasm*
Gandalf: How do you know the airspeed velocity of fell-beasts?
Aragorn: Well you have to know these things when your chieftan!
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Old 09-27-2004, 01:15 AM   #37
Hookbill the Goomba
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Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Hookbill the Goomba is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
Thumbs up

Very nice Perky!
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Old 05-24-2005, 06:17 PM   #38
The Elf-warrior
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What are spiritualist Orcs called?

Medium-Hai.


What is the friendliest fruit?

A Melon.


Gandalf as traffic cop: "You cannot pass!"
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Old 05-28-2005, 05:56 AM   #39
narfforc
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narfforc has been trapped in the Barrow!
Q. What has got two grey legs and two brown legs?

A. An Oliphaunt with an upset stomach.

Q. What did the orc say after The Battle of the Fords of Isen

A. I am so full, I coulnt eat another mortal.

The King of the Dead walked into The Prancing Pony and asked Butterbur for a drink. Barliman threw him out, saying "We don`t serve spirits in here".

Arwen, Aragorn and Gollum are having a conversation. Arwen say, "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful women that has ever lived, but how do I know?"
Aragorn says,"I sympathise. Everybody tells me that I am the greatest of living men, but how do I know?"
Gollum says, "Everbody tells me I am the most despicable, ugly, grotesque creature that has ever been born, but how do I know?"
Arwen says, Let`s go and ask Gandalf, he is wise. So of they trot.
Arwen goes in first, and a few minutes later comes out and says,"Its true I am the most beautiful woman ever"
Aragorn goes in, and a few minutes later he comes back out saying,"Its true I am the greatest living man"
Gollum goes in, and a few seconds later comes out and says,"Who the hell is Malcolm Glazer".
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Old 07-02-2005, 05:46 AM   #40
Sleepy Ranger
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Dunno if this counts but

I'm not sure if this counts as a joke but its something I made.
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