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Old 02-14-2004, 07:34 AM   #121
Kransha
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I believe I'll try the Merry/Pippin/Treebeard Scene..

*Merry and Pippin are still riding on Treebeard*

P: Look! There's smoke riding from the south!

T: And they don't even have a building permit. Hooom.

P: Who?

T: Isengard.

M: Isengard?

T: There was a time when Saruman would jog in my woods and dance and sing with woodland creatures gathering around him, but now he has a hip of metal and wheels. It was a war injury I think. He no longer cares for mowing things, so he forces his orcs to go out for him. They have no idea how to tend forests, honestly! Hoom!

*The hobbits' heads turn ceremoniously*

M: It's Saruman's army.

T: Oh really? Ya think?

M: War has started!

P: I doubt it. That's probably the ten thousand orc hairdressers going to un-grease Aragorn's hair.

M: Hey, where is that ranger/elf lover/swordsman/future king anyway?


*Cut to Aragorn floating down the Entwash*
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Old 02-18-2004, 02:20 AM   #122
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Re: Kransha's Avatar. And other stuff.

Kransha, is your avatar the picture of the Overmind (or any Zerg structure, if selected)? Cool!

Anywhen...these here scenes are already done, but I invoke this clause of the amendment that made this parody.

Quote:
Oh, and can there be more than one version of a scene submitted to this thread?
That, and I plan to put this on my page Stupid Ring-style, so I'll need outtakes. And Behind the Scenes, if that isn't much trouble.

OUTTAKES: Éowyn and Aragorn

Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.
Éowyn: No, NO, NO! It's parry - riposte. Parry - riposte! Eru, who taught you how to fence? Viggo Mortensen?
Aragorn: Wha-hat?
Éowyn: Look - PJ told me you sucked at swords so much, you'll probably fall off a cliff before RotK. So, he sent me to teach you.
Aragorn: Sucked at swords...cliff? PJ! *goes off to find PJ, gives him a good bonk in the head*
Théoden: Uh, guys...looks like we'll have to stop taping for a while - PJ's unconscious again.

OUTTAKES: Aragorn and Arwen

Aragorn: I am a mortal. You are elf kind. It was a dream, Arwen, nothing more.
Arwen: Why are you saying this?
Aragorn: Duh! Isn't it obvious? I'm breaking up with you.
Arwen: What?! Before prom?! You have some nerve...wait, Figwit's been asking me out for sometime now. He might take me to the prom.
Aragorn: What? What prom?
Arwen: He-LLO! Have you been living in the wild or something? The Rivendell High School Prom! Next week! Even Jughead's coming, I heard.
Aragorn: So, what, are we in "Archie Comics" now?
PJ: Tell me this is a crazy alternate universe. Please.

Later days!
->Elenrod
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Last edited by Nilpaurion Felagund; 06-16-2008 at 08:25 PM.
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Old 03-05-2004, 01:23 AM   #123
Oddwen
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Outtakes, mwahahahaha!!

Just wanted to say...I made a few avatars based on this parody.

Inspired by Meela:
Glad to be back? (64x64, 5k)
Cart (64x64, 16k)

Inspired by Nimrothiel:
Groovy (64x64, 2k)

So's you know.



Behind the scenes: Rivendell

Arwen: I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT FROG!

Staffperson: But, ma'am...this is supposed to be a symbol of uneding love between you and your intended...

A: I DON'T CARE!

Aragorn: Please?

Arw: EEWWWW!!

Aragorn: Pretty please?

Arw: Okay!

Staffperson: But...huh?

(rather lame)

*~*~*~*~*~*~
[edit] Drat! I started to edit this, had a whole thing going, and IE crashed! Let's see if I can remember it...[/edit]
Scene: Rivendell, after Arwen telepathically kisses Aragorn

Agent Elrond: Arwen...skip to my Lou.

Arwen: What?

AE: Tormenting you...you will sit in a chair all the way to Valinor. It's bad, so bite me!

A: Have you been talking elvish with Aragorn again?

AE: That's exactly my point! Aragorn is going to die, so why should he take you with him? BURN HIM, I SAY!

A: What?

AE: Err...I mean, he is not coming back. Why do you stay?

A: Because I've made my choice. And I'm 110% sure.

AE: Only 110%? Really?

A: Da-ad...

(the next day...)

AE: *too casually* Say, Arwen, how would you like to take a sailboat ride with your dear ol' Dad?

A: Hey, that sounds...suspiciously like you're trying to get me to go to Valinor!

AE: Who, me?

A: I tell you, I've made my choice!

AE: Curses. Foiled again.

(the next day...)

AE: *rushing in* Arwen, Arwen! Come quick, you've got to see! Cirdan says he's captured the biggest frog in the world! It's on his fastest ship, and he says you can have it for your wildlife swamp if you just come and get it!

A: Dad...I'm-not-going.

AE: Aww, it took me all day to think of that!

(the next evening...)

AE: *saaaaunters into his daughter's room* So, you've made your choice, huh?

A: Yup. I'm going to stay in Middle-earth, become mortal, marry Aragorn, bear his children, and then...die.

AE: *waaaanders to the window* If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated, and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

(Arwen sees a vision...she is standing beside the embalmed body of Aragorn...who is still clutching that darn sword...to her satisfaction, she has still kept her figure, but her face is shadowed by a veil.)

AE: And it'll be too bad for you, 'cuz he'll be dead and you won't. Though I do agree, he makes a very handsome corpse.

A: *twitch*

AE:But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt, as nightfall in winter that comes without a star, here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees, until all-the world-is-changed-and-the-long-years-of yourlifeareutterlyspent. *gasp*

(Arwen sees herself wandering in black through a deserted wood...cue music "Paint it Black" by Rolling Stones...)

AE: Arwen, there's nothing for you here...except a death-cream-cone for dessert.

A: *sobsobsobpause* ...a what-cream-cone?

AE: Uhh...death?

A: Hey, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! I'm NOT going TO VALINOR!!!!!!!!!!

AE: Fine!! See if I care! *sudden inspiration* But they do say that three-quarter-elven daughters start to resemble their half-elven fathers as they grow older...

A: WHAT??? WHEN'S THE NEXT SHIP GOING TO VALINOR????

AE: Jeez. Thanks a lot.

*Arwen is rushing about, packing.*

A: WAHH!

AE: You don't need to be...*sees Arwen fleeing the room* I didn't mean...*Arwen leaps onto a horse* Could you just...*The horse gallops off*

AE: Have a nice trip.

(Hey, Nilpaurion, I notice you're doing the same scene at almost the same time...freaky, huh?)
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Last edited by Oddwen; 03-05-2004 at 02:14 AM.
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Old 03-05-2004, 02:03 AM   #124
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Narya That was great!!!

Can I bring those to my page?

--------------------

Arwen is still lying on her bed.

Elrond: Ano ka ba?! Nakahiga ka pa rin? Bangon na, tamad! Aalis na barko mo! [You are still in bed? Get up, you lazybones! Your ship is leaving!]

Arwen sits up.

Arwen: Do I get the coconut thing with a drink inside.

Elrond: No.

Arwen: How about my teddy? Can he go, too?

Elrond: Let me see...no.

Arwen: Then I have made my choice.

Elrond: He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope.

Arwen: I want my teddy!

Elrond: If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made King and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

A a crypt in Minas Tirith, Aragorn lies atop it with Anduril clasped in his hands. Arwen is veiled and mourning, other mourners pass. As Elrond speaks, Aragorn's body becomes a stone sculpture. Arwen stands alone at the foot of his crypt.

Elrond: There will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death. An image of the splendor of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent.

Arwen wanders in a bare, cold forest.

Elrond: Arwen...

Arwen: Zzzsnork...huh? Oh, yeah sure. Can I bring teddy?

Elrond: Just go, OK? Is that so hard to do?
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Old 03-05-2004, 02:31 AM   #125
Oddwen
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Yes! You may!

In fact, here's another one I whipped up...

Inspired by Me:
Death (64x64, 9k)


And good night, all!
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Old 03-05-2004, 03:03 AM   #126
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Narya Oddwen scares me...

Yeah, that was freaky.

And the new avatar thing was fast work. Angband, if we made ops as fast as that, Istanbul never would have happened.

Could you have given an analogy not involving classified materials?

OK, OK.

--------------------

Arwen walks away from Rivendell with a host of Elves carrying lanterns. She looks over her shoulder at her father Elrond who looks on soberly.

Galadriel in Lothlorien speaks to Elrond in Rivendell.

Galadriel: Putol ang linya mo. 'di ka kasi nagbabayad ng telepono, eh. [I can't connect. Why don't you pay your telephone bills?]

Elrond: Errr...Eh....

Galadriel: Never mind, stupid. You gave that Ring to a halfling. Now the big-nosed...

Faramir: Who's big-nosed?

Galadriel: IF you don't mind, this is a private conversation.

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, now that big-nosed son of the cuckoo steward will take the Ring to his father.

Faramir: Will not!

Galadriel: A-HEM!

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, the only way you can redeem yourself is by going to Helm's Deep with all your soldiers, and place yourself under Aragorn's command...

Elrond: Wait. Me, under him?!

Galadriel: Yes.

Elrond: But I'll die! Remember what happened to Glorfindel?

Galadriel giggles, then chuckles, then falls over laughing.

Galadriel: *wheeze*...I remember that. Poor Glorfie...and your point is...

Elrond: I can't die! I have a daughter to protect from dirty king-wannabes!

Galadriel: OK. Haldir!

Haldir comes, as if anyone can dare disobey Galadriel.

Haldir: What is your wish?

Galadriel: You're going to Helm's Deep with Aragorn.

Haldair: Aww man!!! He stinks!

Galadriel: Yeah, I know. Just go, please?

Galadriel does the glower-eye thing.

Haldir (reluctantly): As you wish.

--------------------

That made sense...
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Last edited by Nilpaurion Felagund; 03-05-2004 at 03:10 AM.
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Old 03-08-2004, 07:32 PM   #127
Eowyn Skywalker
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Shield Scene for Faramir

Hey, here's one... I think it's in the right order for this...
Includes some Behind the Scenes... heh heh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Faramir: What news?
Random guy without name: Well... there's this girl in Edoras who loves you... Agent Smith is killing Neo... Um, Osgiliath is falling...
Faramir: Not that kind of NEWS!!!!!!!!!
Random guy: Oh, well... Rohan is under attack... Um, Saruman is trying to kill them, and well, that's that.
Faramir: Oh, well, no worrys then.
Random guy: Nah, the worst that could happen is that Sauron takes over the world, and we all die. Cuz, you see, Mordor is letting loose all their scary armies and there about 6789089675768123 of them every day.
Faramir: How far are you willing to go to save Gondor?
Random guy: I'd die for Gondor.
Faramir: Good, no worries then.
Random guy: Faramir, are you worried?
Faramir: THAT'S CAPTIAN FARAMIR!!!!! CAPTIAN!!!!!!!!! (Kills random guy) I WANT TO BECOME POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO TAKE OVER THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!! I AM POWERFULER THAN BOROMIR, THAT STUPID WRAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Faramir, use the Force.
Faramir: I hate you.

(Behind the Scenes:
Peter Jackson: (Hits head on medal pole) Why did I have to work on this move?! WHY?!
Howard Shore: Hmm... cool theme music for this scene...
Peter: Oh, why do you care?
Howard: THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: I can't sing for this warped movie! (Walks away.)
End of behind scene)

(Outtakes:
Faramir: (Kills random guy) Umm... Wasn't I suppose to kill him?
Peter Jackson: For the love of God, now we need ANOTHER actor for this part!!!!!!!!
Frodo: When's it my turn to say a line?
Faramir: Can I kill him too?
Peter: (Hits head on medal pole)
End outtake)

(Frodo and Sam are dragged into the cave.)
Sam: Ouch. Are you trying to turn me into something unnatural?
Frodo: I never should've took this role.
Faramir: I TOLD YOU BOROMIR, QUIT HAUNTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!! I always told you that I was the oldest brother. It's a conspiracy!
Faramir: You bet it is.
Frodo: Boromir?!?!?!?!?!
Boromir: Um... uh-oh... (Disappears)
Faramir: Traitor.
Sam: Can someone untie me please?
Frodo: Gandalf is late. I HATE IT WHEN THAT WIZARD ISN'T AROUND WHEN YOU NEED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
Faramir: Someone untie them.
Sam: My wrists fell off.
Faramir: Serves you right, orc spy.
Sam: I'm no spy!
Faramir: Well, I say you are, and what I say goes, and nothing else can overrule me!
Frodo: Whatever. Well, I have the One Ring, and there's nothing that can stop me from turning you into something unnatural!
Faramir: Oh, the One Ring, ehh?
Frodo: I AM POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Sam: (Fidgets with Ring that he stole from Frodo.)
Gandalf: (Mind wipes everyone.)
Frodo: Duh... why am I here?
Sam: Ooo, pretty ring...
Peter Jackson: What movie was I making?
Gandalf: (Hits head on medal pole.)
Frodo: Gandalf, where'd you come from?
Gandalf: (Disappears in a flash of light) I'm a hologram! (Mind wipes them again!)
Frodo: Um, short term memory loss!
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo, I think this is yours. (Gives him ring.)

(Behind the scenes:
Peter Jackson: What idiot wrote this script?!
Legolas: Did you steal my hairbrush?
Peter: This is behind the scenes, you idiot.
Legolas: Humph!
Howard Shore: I have some more cool theme music for you!
Peter: Ug.
End Behind Scenes)

Frodo: Wow, that cool theme music must mean something is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: It's hypnotic!
Faramir: Goody. So, who are you, anyhow?
Frodo: I'm Agent Underhill!

(Behind scenes:
Peter: Rrrrgggggg!
Hugo Weaving: I think he's been watching the Matrix.
Howard: I have MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: YOU RECORDED ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER, YOU, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Please, can someone else film this????????
End Behind Scene)

Faramir: Right.
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins of the Shire, and this is my slave.
Sam: (Glares.)
Frodo: Oh fine, he's my servant.
Faramir: Bodyguard?
Sam: Gardener. Hey, would you like a crash course on growing Potatoes?
Faramir: No. And where's the other one?

(Behind scene:
Andy: Haaallllppp!!!! I'M LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO BE AT THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Peter: Not funny, Weaving.
Agent Smith: Where did you hide Neo?
Howard: I NEED MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Unducttape me NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Behind Scene)

Sam: What other one? Do you see another hobbit?
Frodo: I don't think that they are filming yet.
Faramir: Yes they are. Where's the other one, he was slimy looking.
Frodo: Ooooh, him. Yah, I threw him to the Oliphants... he stunk.
Faramir: Lyre.
Frodo: Am NOT!!!
Faramir: No, that's the theme music! And you are lying!
Frodo: Fine, there was no other.
Faramir: Are you sure?
Frodo: We set out from Rivendell with seven companions... One was a scary wizard guy that needs a new hat. Two were dumb hobbits like us. One was a scary dwarf... I hate to think what lives in his beard. Then there was this Elf dude that thought only about himself and his precious bow. There was also a King of Gondor dude that didn't want to be king. And there was a Boromir of Godor who was taller than me... he had a big horn.
Faramir: You were a friend of Boromir?
Frodo: No. He was ugly, and he stunk. Why?
Faramir: Good. No worries then.
Frodo: Why? You his brother or something?
Faramir: Umm... yes.
Frodo: Oh. That's nice. Didja know that he's dead?
Sam: I killed him with my carrot of doom.
Frodo: Shh... no one's suppose to know that!
Faramir: He was my brother, and he is dead, in truth. How did he really die?
Frodo: He's really DEAD?!
Faramir: Yes.
Frodo: How?!
Faramir: I had hoped you would tell me.
Frodo: Oh fine. I snuck Ant Killer in his Lembas.
Faramir: Oh? But he's not an ant.
Frodo: He's dead, isn't he?
Faramir: For that, I'll have to lock you in the food cave!
Sam: YAY!
Frodo: Um YAY!!!!!
Faramir: Eat all you want. I'll come later, and try to steal the One Ring from you.

(Behind the scene:
Peter Jackson: YOU MUST LET ME GO!!!!!!
Enya: I'll sing so high that his eardrums will shatter, and then he will release us.
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Enya: (Sings high)
(All goes black.)
Enya V.O.: I think I shattered the camera.
Peter V.O.: Um, yah.
Agent Smith V.O.: I'm dead.
Darth Vader V.O.: I killed him! He underestamated the power of the Force.
Howard V.O.: I need to put more scary music in.
Peter V.O.: Tolkien's gonna kill me.
J.R.R. Tolkien V.O.: MWHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE ARISEN TO TORMENT YOU!!!!!!!!!
Peter V.O.: This can't be good.
End Behind Scene)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How's that?
-Eowyn Skywalker, the elf with a warped mind... I'm not even an elf...
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Old 03-09-2004, 08:24 PM   #128
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Narya

That was um...uh...ah...weird...
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Old 03-09-2004, 09:15 PM   #129
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At Helm's Deep:

*sound of bagpipes is heard*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Rohirrim: *mutters* That's not a horn, you idiot elf.

*Haldir and co march up*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...*blank, hypnotised look* Open the gates!

*gates open*

*Haldir and co enter, with several bagpipers following them*

Aragorn: *looks at bagpipers* What are they doing here?

Haldir: Um...our horn blower quit unexpectedly. This was all we could find on such short notice.

Aragorn: Well, get them to stop!

Haldir: OK, guys, you can stop now!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *louder* I said you can stop!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *shouting* STOP! STOP! STOPSTOPSTOP!

*bagpipers keep playing*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...

Legolas: *shoots holes in the bagpipes so they can't play*

Theoden: Wha...who let these guys in here?

Bagpipers: *keep blowing until they run out of breath, and pass out*
__________________________________________________ __

My mom interrupted me, and now I've lost the momentum of the story. Pooh. Anyway, I want to say that I like bagpipes!

And thanks for the avvie, Oddwen!
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Old 03-09-2004, 10:06 PM   #130
Oddwen
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Quite welcome, Elennar! Glad you could use it.
Speaking of avatars, here is one that Nilp will enjoy especially...

(Hey, I'm watching FotR on tv! It's not supposed to be out until WB airs it later in the year??)

Scene: Henneth Annun

(Faramir is sitting and gazing dreamily off...some guy sneaks up behind him...)

Guy: M'lord...

Faramir: AHHHH!!

Guy: Jeez, sorry...just wanted to say that we found the creepy guy the short guys alluded to.

F: Oh...okay.

Frodo & Sam: Snxxxx....

Faramir: Yo, little dude...yeah, with the ring.

Sam: Me? You're not hoeing po-ta-toes this late at night, are you? They don't like moonlight. Why, I remember that one time me old Gaffer hoed them under a full moon, and they grew eyes! Just like you or me! They were very angry eyes, and right about then old Widow Willowbotton disappeared under suspicious circumstances, so the townsfolk all got their pitchforks and torches and were going to run us out of Hobbiton! But then the potatoes rose up on their stalks...

Faramir:

Frodo: Sam, he's not interested in that. Tell him about those gardenias that grew right into Petunia Barrelstaver's well!

Sam: Well, it all happened when...

Faramir: Um...much as I'd so love *gag* to hear about the gardenias, there is a pressing matter that needs your input.

Sam: Oh, really? Well, just let me slip my cloak on...

Faramir: No, dimwit, I need your much smarter master, not you.

Sam fans: Humph!

Frodo: *puffing out his little chest* OK!

(The two climb up many winding passages, until they are finally by the waterfall.)

Faramir: *pointing* Down there...

Frodo: Sorry, your nose was just framed there in the moonlight, and it looked so spectacular that I...

Faramir: JUST LOOK!

(Frodo does so...and he sees...LEGOLAS WASHING HIS HAIR! BWAW-HAW-HAW-er, I mean, Gollum eating a fish.)

(Faramir now gestures to archers in camoflage suits who were previously hidden.)

Faramir: Shall I shoot?

Frodo: No! These men should not be allowed to handle firearms! Haven't they heard of not shooting where the shot might bounce back at them? They aren't even wearing Hunter's Orange! This is in complete violation of the Hunter's Safety Code! *he waves a book around* I should report you...

Faramir: ALRIGHT, GUYS, CHANGE OF TARGET, IT IS NOW THE HOBBIT ON MY LEFT! READY...AIM...

Frodo: No! Let me go and read him his rights! Pleeeeeeeeeeze! I've wanted to do that ever since I saw COPS! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze! Pleeeeeeeeeze!

Faramir: AGH! Just go!

(Frodo climbs down the rock, muttering all the while about "rope".)

Gollum: Can't stop, addicted to the shindig...

Fro: Smeagol?

Gollum: Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big...

Fro: Smeagol!

Gollum: Choose not a life of imitation...oh hi Master! Care for some nice...fisssssh? . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Fro: Whoa, those really are some nice fish! Mmm, they look tasty, one might even say...crunchable!

Agitated Voice From Above: Get on with it!

Fro: *in a suddenly deep voice* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Faramir: AGH! *he leaps from the bushes and lassoos Gollum*

Gollum: Hey, watch the fish! . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Faramir: Hey, wow, nice fish! So raw, and...wrr-rr-rr-rr-rriggling!

Sam: Would you guys like to be alone? C'mon, get this slinker up into the cave before I take my pan to yer heads!

F&F&G& >)))o> & >)))o>: Oh, okay...

(The reel rattles...Howard Shore can be heard cackling in the background...record-scraping sounds are heard and we re-appear in the Cave.)

Faramir: Hokey dokey, where were you leading them?

Gollum: Mordor.

Faramir: Oh, okay, well GREAT GAMBOLING GAMLING! Did you say...Mordor??

Gollum: No.

Smeagol: Yes.

Gollum:No.

Smeagol: Uh, we mean no.

Gollum: Last time we checked, Precious, we was heading this, not poor poor Smeagol.

Smeagol: But I sent you away, and away you went!

Gollum: *leaning into the camera and a cheesy Ah-nold voice* But we're back!

Faramir: Gleeps! He's snapped!

SmeaGollum: Hey, where's my fish??

*all gathered turn swiftly to Madril, who is sucking the last bone as we speak!*

Madril: Um...needs catsup?

Smeagollum: My...fish! AHHHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!
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Old 03-10-2004, 02:49 AM   #131
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Narya *chuckles*

Toxicity avatar...sweet!

But, sorry, Oddwen, we have to arrest you for exceeding the fish-per-post limit. That's like a thousand fish there!

Six.

Oh, yeah.

--------------------

Aragorn: Stupid horse. Your mouth stinks.

Brego: The Ranger calls the horse smelly.

Aragorn rides up the causeway into Helm's Deep.

Villager: He's alive!

Gimli: *pushes his way through the refugees* Where is he? Where is he? Get out of the way! I'm gonna kill him! *seeing Aragorn...with his sword drawn*

Aragorn: What did you say?

Gimli: That you are the luckiest, the canniest and the most reckless man I ever knew. *they embrace* And you smell nice, too.

Aragorn: Where is the King?

Gimli: You are!

Aragorn: OK, stop sucking up to me. Where's the King of Rohan?

Gimli nods his head in the direction of the keep. As Aragorn makes his way toward the King, he encounters Legolas.

Legolas: Le ab-dollen. [Drat. He had to return.] You look terrible.

Éowyn sees Aragorn and begins to rush over to him. She stops herself when she sees Legolas hand Aragorn the Evenstar pendant.

Sick Rohirrim dude: Hey, lady! Fix my bandages!

Éowyn: Not now! I'm ogling!

Aragorn: *exchanges a smile with Legolas* Hannon le. [I'll kill you later.]

Éowyn (to self): He looks so cute when speaking Elvish.

Aragorn enters Théoden's chamber, throwing the doors wide.

Aragorn: I'll have miruvor, shaken not stirred.

--------------------

Jet lag! Later!
->Elenrod
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Old 03-11-2004, 11:15 PM   #132
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Well, it's taken me two days to write this, and I haven't refreshed the page since then, so I hope I don't step on anyone's toes...


Scene: Aragorn riding the plains toward Edoras.

(Aragorn manages to heave himself up onto Brego)

PJ: Drat, Enya just had to shatter the camera...now I've got to use this crummy handheld...dagnabbit...

(All of a sudden, cresting a rise, Aragorn sees a huge army gathering on the plain! Apple Bonkers, and Butterfly Stompers, along with Blue Meanies in horrendous amounts! Aragorn gapes until...)

Brego: *cough* I know I'm just a horse and all, but can we duck out of sight?

Aragorn: Uh, sure...

(Thanks to the resoucefulness of Brego, Aragorn finds his way to Helm's Deep.)

Random Rohirrim: Agh! He's back!

Random Rohirrim 2: Oh no!

(An angry mob gathers as he makes his way to the King's chambers.)

Aragorn: Stop following me!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gimli!

Gimli: Brego!

Brego: Gimli!

Aragorn: Brego!

Brego: Aragorn!

Legolas: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Legolas!

Legolas: Brego!

Eowyn: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Eowyn!

Eowyn: Brego!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Eowyn!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Legolas: AHHHH!!!

Aragorn: Ahh?

Gimli: Ahh.

Aragorn: Ahh...

Eowyn: Haa!

Legolas: AHHH!! *flees*

A&G&E&B: *shrug* *Aragorn continues into Meduseld*

Theoden: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gamling: Theoden!

Theoden: Gamling!

Gamling: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Theoden!

Theoden: What happened to you? We thought you were dead!

Aragorn: Humbleblablah, wargs, blahblahhumgleblah, cliffs, hungle bungle hamrla, yellow submarine, humina marlama BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: He seems agitated.

Gamling: Doesn't he though.

Theoden: Yes he does, doesn't he?

Gamling: Yes, he does.

Theoden: Isn't he though?

*later*

Theoden: So...you're saying that there's a big ol' army coming this way?

Aragorn: Yes. Bazillions of them. We're doomed, doomed, doomed!

Gamling: Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Elrond.

Theoden: Aww, they can come if they want. Helm's Deep can stand it.

Gimli: These are no common orcs. These are Uruk-hai. Their skulls are thick and their swords are pointy. Or wait...was it the other way around?

Legolas(singing): I'm, too sexy for my bow...too sexy for my bow...

Theoden: Whatever.

A: Haven't you heard what I said? These are no common orcs, they are BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: Well, what do you want me to do, huh? Relinquish command to you, Your Squishiness?

A: I changed my shoes already, for crying out loud!

Theoden: No-one will come. Not the stinkin' elves, not the stinkin' dwarves, and certainly not the reekin' Gondorians!

A: Hey! Big meanie...*sob*

T: Aright everyone, everyone not fighting get into the caves! That means you, Eowyn!

Eowyn: Aw, man...

*at the armoury*

Aragorn: Furriers, table boys...these are no fighters! Many of them have never worn a tutu in their lives!

Random Rohirrim: Tutus? What exactly are we fighting here?

Legolas(muttering): Idiot. *aloud* Look at them. They are frightened little sissies. You can see it in their eyes!

Rohirrim: *glare*

L: Boe a hûn: neled herain dan caer menig! (We're all doomed! Doom! Doom! Doom!)

Aragorn: What? What drums in the deep?

L: *grinds teeth* We're doomed! We're all gonna die!

A: Well, duh! Of course we're all gonna die!

Rohirrim: ...? What?

A: Um...I mean eventually of course, old age you know, not bloodily in a hopeless battle like this one of course! Heh heh.

Young Rohirrim Boys: Wahh!

L: Real smart, Ranger.

A: Hmmph! *storms out and sits glumly on the stairs*

*two random cameo kids are standing around the fire*

A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: Shut up. My Momma helps to write the script, you know.

A: HAW HA-so, handsome little boy, give me your sword.

Haleth: Mo-om!

A: I just wanna borrow it, sheesh! *swoosh swoosh swoosh break*

A: What a crummy piece of work...not like my sword. Telchar the famous smith made it y'know.

Haleth: Can I see it?

A: Well...I don't have it with me y'know...

Haleth: We're doomed!

A: Why does everyone always say that around me? BWAHHHH!! *runs off crying*

Haleth: Sheesh.

(Aragorn runs into the armoury and starts picking out the best stuff for himself)

Aragorn(muttering): Let's see...the hauberk's connected to the helmet, the shoelace's connected to the belt loops, the belt loops are connected to the chain mail, the chain mail's connected to the sword hilts...wait, where's the sword?

Legolas(dully): Forgive me. I was wrong to despair. I realize now that it is an elf's place to be happy and cheerful all the time.

Aragorn: There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now give me my sword.

Legolas: No. You're too dangerous with a sword. You could put someone's eye out with it.

A: That's the idea...hey, where'd the Evenstar go? Do you have that too, you packrat?

L: Fine! Here, take it!

Evenstar: *croak croak croak*

A: Ahh, Arwen my shmoopie, it won't be long now...

*enter Gimli*

Gimli: Alright...whose idea was it to feed me those cream puffs? Now my mail won't fit!

L&A: *snork*

***Elennar's post should go here***

Gimli: So whose dratted idea was it to send elves here? I mean, who needs more elves???

Aragorn: Elrond, I'd guess. He probably hopes to lighten us poor, poor, unfortunate Men's hearts.

Legolas: Well, you folks do seem to be rather depressed...

Theoden: Hellooooo? We are at WAR!

*hoooooooooooot!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Gate Guard: Badger kind...open the gates!

*start funky music*

Howard Shore: Wait a minute...I don't do funky!

Here come, here come, here come the badgers! Here come, here come, here come the badgers!

Aragorn: Wow, this music is really catchy!

L: You said it!

Howard Shore: Hey...this is not the symphony in G Major that I wrote for this!

Randy Newman: Bwahaha! Behold Howard, it is I! You only THOUGHT you were writing music for LotR!

Danny Elfman: And I! Ha haa! We are agents of Disney, come to make LotR a more family film! BEHOLD, the fuzzy friendly woodland badgers!

RN: Yes, what this trilogy needs is some FRIEND MUSIC!

HS: Noo! *start Matrix-esque fight sequence*

HS: *punchkick*

DE: The force is strong with this one. *slap*

RN: *kickkick*

(Suddenly, Howard Shore grabs a sword from a nearby elf, and easily decimates his opponents and heaves their bodies over the Deeping Wall!)

HS: GO ME!

(He grabs Legolas's bow and neverending quiver and does the same with the evil Disney cartoon badgers!)

HS: Booya!! *adjusts glasses* Ahem. Now, if I could just get the clarinets to be a semioctave higher there...yes. Perfect.

All: *gape*

*blaaaaaaat!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn either!

Theoden: *groan* Not another one...don't open the gate!

(Aragorn, however, is overcome with curiosity and climbs to the wall above the gate. A lone man stands there, dressed in black with a mask over his face. Amazingly, he starts to climb the wall! He gets a bit over halfway there, when he comes to a stop.)

Aragorn: Can you hurry it up a bit?

Masked Figure: Sorry, could you not distract me? This isn't as easy as it looks.

A: Sorry. Is there any way I can sort of help you along?

MF: I don't see why, as you're just waiting around to kill me.

A: I give you my word that you will reach the top alive.

MF: What assurances do I have?

A: I will give my word as a Ranger.

MF: Sorry, I've known too many Rangers.

A: I will swear on my father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's sword.

MF: Good enough.

(Aragorn throws down a rope, and the Masked Figure climbs to the top)

MF: So...could I see this sword?

A: Well, I don't exactly have it with me at the moment...probably back in Rivendell, unless Arwen is on her way with it right now...

MF: I see. So, you lied.

A: No, you're alive, aren't you?

MF: Not for long, though it would seem.

A: As you wish.

*thwang! thwang!*

MF: My, you are excellent!

A: I should be. I've devoted my life to swordplay.

*clang! thwip!*

A: I see you are using Halbarad's defense against me.

MF: It is the only logical conclusion, if one attacks with their Amras.

A: I suppose you expect me to attack with Fegalund?

MF: Only if one has studied their Ragnor, which I have.

*thwang, clang!*

A: I must admit, you are better than me.

MF: Then why are you smiling?

A: I am not left handed.

*thwang! clang! clang!*

MF: You are magnifiscent! But I must say something.

A: What?

MF: I am not left handed either.

*Thwap! clang! clang! thwapclang! shhhhhing!*

(The Masked Figure suddenly knocks Aragorn's sword from his hand!)

A: Aw, drat. I suppose you are going to kill me.

MF: Are you kidding? I can't waste such talent.

A: Won't you tell me who you are?

MF: No.

A: I must know.

MF: Get used to disappointments. *thump*

A: Ow! Hey!

MF: Oh, er...*thumpthump!*

A: Grr...now it's personal!

(Aragorn attacks the Masked Figure mercilessly! The gathered mob chants frenziedly!)

A: And now...to see who you are! *he rips the mask off! Everyone gasps in surprise!*

Aragorn: Boromir!

Legolas: Boromir!

Boromir: Aragorn!

Gimli: Boromir!

Legolas: Gimli!

Theoden: Boromir!

Boromir: Legolas!

Gimli: Theoden!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gimli: Legolas!

Gamling: Aragorn!

The Mob: AHH!


(I left a few things out...Treebeard explaining Entmoot, and Theoden being prepared for battle. And...that's it for tonight!)

[edit] Oh my gosh...it's long...[/edit]
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Old 03-11-2004, 11:46 PM   #133
Eowyn Skywalker
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Treebeard talks about the entmoot

(This fits in somewhat in the middle of Oddwen's piece. Its Treebeard talking about the entmoot.)
Treebeard: The Ents have not troubled with the wars of men in ages... we prefir to fight Sith. Have any of you hobbits ever wondered what happened to the Sith?

Merry: What's a Sith?

Pippin: Where are we goin'?

Merry: I'm hungry.

Pippin: I have to go to the bathroom.

Treebeard: You should've done that before we left.

Merry: Can I have a lightsaber?

PJ: Can I get another camera?

Enya: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Here, have a handheld.

PJ: I already have one, and I'm filming at the moment.

Enya: Sorry.

Treebeard: Shut up.

Merry: *gasp* That was... dare I say it.. HASTY!!!!

Treebeard: That's just our motto. You know, fish are friends, not food!

Pippin: Awwww.

Treebeard: Wait, that's not it.

Pippin: So where are we going?

Howard: WWAAAIIIITTT!!!!!! I NEED TO INSERT SOME DARK FORBODING THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!

Treebeard: I need to step on you.

(Behind the scenes...)
Darth Vader: I am your father, Peter Jackson.

PJ: This is the Lord of the Rings, you know.

Glorfindel: I WANTED TO HAVE A PART IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

Tom Bombadil: MMMEEEE TOOOO!!!!!!!

PJ: Umm... *help*

Agent Smith: You know that Enya hurt my ears?

Enja: YYYYYEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Akk... I'm going deaf...

PJ: Shut up, I'm trying to film.


(End behind scene.)

Treebeard: Something is going to happen that has not happened in a long age.

Merry: What's that?

Treebeard: The ents will destroy the Sith.

Pippin: I still have to go to the bathroom.

Merry: What Sith?

Treebeard: I'm not telling. Welcome to the entmoot, Mr. Brandybuck.

Merry: Ug.

How was that? I'm glad you think I'm weird.

-Eowyn Skywalker
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Old 03-12-2004, 12:58 AM   #134
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Narya Ms. Floddball:

Quote:
A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!
I had something a wittle wike that in my mind - in my notes, actually:

Quote:
Aragorn: What is your name?

Haleth: Haleth, daught...I mean son of Háma, my lord.

Aragorn: You have Éowyn complex, do you?

Haleth (whispers): Shhh...don't tell dad...
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Old 03-12-2004, 05:52 PM   #135
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Eye

SAM: We have to get out of here. You go. Go, now! You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

FRODO: I can’t. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me, but… I’m sorry. The Ring’s taking me Sam. If I put it on, he’ll find me. He’ll see. I'll become a Politician again.

SAM: Mr. Frodo...

FARAMIR: So this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call. The Ring of power within my grasp. In place of a dark lord, you will have a QUEEN! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the...

PJ: Whoa, whoa, you've got the wrong script!

FARAMIR: Thanks, I was beginning to wonder...

PJ: Now, let's get on with it.

FRODO: No!!

SAM: Stop it! Leave him alone! Don’t you understand? He’s got to destroy it. That’s where we’re going. Into Mordor. To the mountain of fire.

RANDOM GUY: Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. And we're out of coffee, by the way.

FARAMIR: Out of coffee?

SAM: Please. It’s such a burden. Will you not help him?

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!

RANDOM GUY: Captain?

FARAMIR: OUT...OF...COFFEE?!

(Behind the scenes...)

PJ: Ahhh, excellent. Now let's capture that murderous look on his face...

JRR TOLKIEN: *bursts into the production room, armed with an AK-47* Hold it! Get back! Nobody's taking the Ring to Gondor if I can help it!

RANDOM GUY: Um, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

RANDOM GUY: Erk! *dies*

PJ: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

ENYA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

HOWARD SHORE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

JRRT: Now I'm going to end this nonsense NOW! *takes camera, still holding production crew at gunpoint*

(return to movie)

FARAMIR: Alas for Boromir! It was too sore a trial! How you have increased my sorrow, you two strange wanderers from a far country, bearing the peril of Men! But you are less judges of Men than I of Halflings. We are truth-speakers, we men of Gondor. We boast seldom, and then perform, or die in the attempt. Not if I found it on the highway would I take it I said. Even if I were such a man as to desire this thing, and even though I knew not clearly what this thing was when I spoke, still I should take those words upon me as a vow, and be held by them.

(behind the scenes again)

JRRT: Ahhh, that's much better. Now, if I can *suddenly feels himself get hit in the head with something hard* Agh!!

AGENT SMITH: I believe you've caused this production enough harm already, Missstur Tolkien.

*everybody locks JRRT in the closet*

PJ: OK, let's delete that last scene.

*rewind*

(back to the movie)

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!?!?! That's it. The Ring will go to Gondor. There it will bring me all the coffee I could ever want! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(behind scenes again)

JRRT(from inside the closet): NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*fades out*

Next scene: Theoden getting ready for battle, then skip to the battle sequence.
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Old 03-12-2004, 10:23 PM   #136
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Shield Theoden preparing for battle

All right... Theoden scene...

Theoden: I hate wars.

Gamling: Well... if we just sent Eowyn and Enya out there... I'm sure that might work.

Theoden: Enya?

Gamling: That's why Peter has the handheld.

Theoden: Um. right. Give me my armor.

Gamling: As you wish.

(Behind scenes:

PJ: I'm getting tired of this handheld.

Enya: Well, sorry.

Howard: BERNARD, DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!! I NEED SOME THEME MUSIC FIRST!!!!!!!!

J.R.R. Tolkien: LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET NOW!!!! YOU ARE MOCKING MY WRITING!!!!

Tom Bombadil: Now now, don't be hasty...

Goldberry: Make haste while the sun shines!

PJ: Arg.

Howard: Oooo!! THE ULTAMATE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!

(End begind scene...)

Theoden: Interesting theme music.

Gamling: Ooo!! STAR WARS MUSIC!!!!!!! (Pulls out lightsabers...) (Duel of the Fates begins to play in BG.)

Theoden: Gamling, I am your father!

Gamling: You will die!

Theoden: Who am I, Gamling?

Gamling: You are my father, you said so yourself.

Theoden: Do you trust your father?

Gamling: No.

Theoden: Then I am your king.

Gamling: You know what?

Theoden: (Parries blows) What?

Gamling: I'm not left handed!

Theoden: Hmm... I'm not left handed either!

(Behind scenes:

J.R.R. Tolkien: YOU ARE MOCKING ME!!!! LET ME OUT, I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!

PJ: All the more reason not to let you out.

Howard: I'll let you out... just let me get the dark foreboding theme music!!!!!

Enya: I will sing loudly again.

Haldir: NOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! YOU WILL HURT MY POINTY EARS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: It is inevitable.

PJ: CUT!!!!!!

(End behind scenes)

Theoden: Ow ow ow!!!! YOU DROPPED MY SWORD ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: I'm sorry to disturb you, but they called cut.

PJ: NO! NO!! KEEP ACTING!!!!!!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Aragorn: Who's that?

PJ: It's the theme music.

Howard: I'm going to kill you.

PJ: I've had enough of that today.

Agent Smith: Reallllllllly?

PJ: I'm trying to film.

(Everything goes out)

PJ v.o: THAT WAS MY SECOND CAMERA!!!!! WHO DID THAT?!?!?!

Tolkien v.o.: I did, Mr. Jackson.

Theoden v.o.: Does this mean I can't keep the lightsaber?

PJ v.o.: Where did you get a lightsaber?!

Gamling v.o.: Umm... la de da...

Theoden v.o.: How do a put on this @#$% armor anyhow?

(Everything comes back in.)

PJ: I think we'll remove that last piece. Where's Tolkien go?

(Behind scenes:...

Agent Smith: Umm.... err...

Random wraith: Errrr....

PJ: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KILLED J.R.R. TOLKIEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Tolkien: But I was already dead...

PJ: (Beats them up with a medal pole.)

Faramir: You haven't got me the coffee yet.

Howard: WAIT, I NEED TO AD THE THEME MUSIC!!!!!

(End behind scenes...)

Theoden: I can't breathe in this armor.

Gamling: It's not on yet.

Theoden: Well, whoever made this left out one this. I'm King Theoden Hal!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Just stand still so I can put the dang armor on...

Theoden: *gack* I... can't... breathe...

Haldir: Good.

Theoden: Who are you?!

Haldir: Your worst nightmare.

Theoden: I'm dressed, let's go.

Haldir: YOU ARE BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Can I kill him?

Theoden: No.

(End scene.)

How was that?!
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Old 03-14-2004, 02:46 PM   #137
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What the...? That was very...er...um...interesting. Uh, what exactly is the next scene again?
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Old 03-14-2004, 06:10 PM   #138
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Eye

The next scene would be the Battle of Helm's Deep, Nimrothiel.
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Old 03-14-2004, 08:35 PM   #139
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Narya Outtakes: Éowyn and Gríma

Actually, my sister thought this up. But she's not here.

Éowyn: Leave me alone, snake!
Gríma: But you are alone. You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you.
Éowyn: Not listening, I'm not listening.
Gríma (whispers): Murderer...
Éowyn: But he was already dead!
Gríma: What? What are you talking about?
Éowyn: Oh. Don't you mean the Witch-King?
PJ: CUT!!! Miranda, don't read ahead of the script!
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Old 03-15-2004, 11:43 PM   #140
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Narya Skips over the Helm's Deep scene...la-lala-lala-lala...

Merry can be seen pacing. At last Treebeard turns away from the others and approaches the Hobbits, Pippin sees him coming.

Pippin: Merry. Verdict's in.

Merry joins him.

Treebeard: We have just agreed...

Pippin and Merry wait. Merry tries to be patient.

Merry: Yes?

Treebeard: We...ummm...we...

PJ: Cut! John, don't forget your lines.

PJ hands Treebeard his script.

Treebeard: Oh...OK.

Treebeard hands it back. -> Duh.

PJ: Action!

Treebeard: I have told your names to the Entmoot...and wehaveagreedyouarenotOrcs. *gasp*

Merry: How can that be your decision?

Treebeard: Now don't be hasty, Master Meria...what?

Merry: Hasty? We' re not hasty! We're Orcs!

Treebeard's jaw dropped as Merry and Pippin strip rubber masks off their faces.

Suddenly, he wakes up.

Treebeard: *gasp!*

Longbranch: Hoom-hoom-lalla-kamanda-hoom-a-lalla-maril. [sleeping again]

Wetleaf: Maluim. [Yeah. He should really get rid of that sleeping problem of his.]

Treebeard rushes to the two hobbits, then tries to tear their faces off. Ouch.

PJ: What are you doing?

Merry: I love trees!

Pippin: I need second breakfast!

Treebeard: Die, you Orcs!

HS: What's happening?

PJ: Stop it!

Haldir: Can you hurry up? My scene's next.

HS: Hit it, Enya!

Reader: Not this cliché joke again...

Enya: Not this time...La![high C#]

Everything stops, except Enya's vocal chords.

Reader: So...what now?
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Old 03-16-2004, 02:39 PM   #141
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Shield Helms Deep: part one

The Battle of Helms Deep: part one. (Why, because I'm to lazy to write the rest.)

(All the elves and all that stand along the top of the wall. Aragorn is muttering something about "Stupid late she-elves." Gimli is muttering something about "Where's the box when you need it." Legolas is muttering something about "Where's Enya when you need her." Haldir is muttering something about "Everyone here is breathing too loudly." And Howard Shore is muttering about the lack of worthwhile theme music for this scene.)

Gimli: I can't see!

Legolas: There's nothing to see. I grew up here, you know.

Gimli: ? You're going to die here, you know. Convenient.

Legolas: Not if I can help it. I've taken care of everything.

Aragorn: You didn't grow up here.

Legolas: Shhhhhh.

PJ: Will you guys PLEASE stop with the Star Wars quoting thing?!

Agent Smith: Join with me...

PJ: Just shut up.

Legolas: I'm trying to act here.

PJ: I'll send in Enya.

Theoden: I think we can handle one little girl.

PJ: If only you knew...

Random Urak-hai: HIIIIIIIIIII, EVERYONE!

Eowyn: (Kills random Urak-hai) MWHA-HA!

Theoden: I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE KEEP!!!!

Eowyn: So?

Theoden: *glares*

Aragorn: Can we get on with this?

Arwen: Honey, I brought you your sword!!!!!

Everyone: CAN I SEE IT?!

Boromir: Yah!

Aragorn: You, know, you're dead.

Boromir: I'm not left-handed either.

Aragorn: Must we do this again?

Boromir: Yep.

Aragorn: You are a limp sword-fighter.

Boromir: Get used to disapointments.

PJ: THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I'M ON TWENTY-EIGHT!!!!!

Legolas: You can't see, and there's no orcs yet.

Gimli: I know that... but I'm still on twenty-eight.

Legolas: What are you killing: elves?

Gimli: No, flies.

Legolas: *sigh*

Aragorn: Do not despair, your friends are here with you.

Agent Smith: Despair, for I am leading the orcs upon you.

J.R.R. Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THERE'S NO AGENTS IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Somehow, I thought I killed you.

Tolkien: I won't stay dead, for I already am!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Um, we're filming?

(Suddenly J.R.R. Tolkien disappears in a flash of orange light.)

Jandalf the Orange: Minions of Xendor.

The author of this piece: How come you seem to appear in all my writing?

Jandalf: I don't know. Maybe because you like writing me in?

Author: No, that's Darth Warious.

Darth Warious: You called?

PJ: WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! WHO WROTE THIS??????

Author: Me.

Agent Smith: I won't stand for this. (Kills author)

Author: I WILLLLLLL BEEEEEE BACKKKKKKKKK...

Jandalf: Drat...

Agent Smith: Hey, I know you....

Jandalf: Double drat.

Darth Warious: Hey, there's HALDIR!!!!!

PJ: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: (Somehow kavvams the two random characters out of this story)

PJ: Okay, let's just erase that last last bit...

(Erases that last bit)

Aragorn: We will all DIE!!!!!!

PJ: Okay, we'll delete that one too............

(Deletes it)

Legolas: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

PJ: Sigh.

(Deletes it again)

Agent Smith: Oh, give it a rest. You'll all die anyhow.

Darth Vader: I am your father!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn:

Haldir: Didja know that he breathes too loudly?

PJ: Sigh. Okay, people, let's take it from here again.

Enya: Aren't there suppose to be orcs?

Random Orc: I'm HERE!!!!!!

PJ: Sigh.


And that was that. Now someone else can finish this battle.
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Old 04-22-2004, 11:38 PM   #142
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White Tree More insane Helms Deep

You people are very lazy, you know. What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Oh well...

***

*Star Wars theme music begins to play*

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... erk, wrong movie....

*Rain falls*

Legolas: Sigh, I'm getting wet.

Haldir: Wait five seconds... *counts* *Rain stops* Ah, right on time!

Cricket: Chirp, chirp.

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!!

PJ: Will you quit being all doomday? I'm trying to film!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOO...

Agent Smith: This is PG 13 sooooooo... *bang*

Tolkien: ???

Arwen: Dodge this, bonehead!

Everyone: Didn't the bang signify the end of Tolkien?

Author: Nope.

Aragorn: I said DYE, you numbskull.

PJ: What's the difference?

Arwen: Difference of what? We're not doing math!

PJ: Sigh... HOWARD, CUE UP THE THEME MUSIC!!!!

Enya: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

PJ: Shhhh... the windows, Enya, think of THE WINDOWS!!!!!!

Cricket: Chirp?

*Theme music: Minas Morgul*

Boromir: WE'RE DOOMED!!!

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!

*Splash*

Aragorn: Drat. I'm... I'M PURPLE!!!!!! AGGGGHHH!!!!

Boromir: Haa haa haaa.... akk... drat... *Splash* I'M GREEN!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Random orc: Cue up the rain! It's not evil and dark and foreboding anymore!!!!

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson? Is that you?

Random orc: Drat.

PJ: Will you start with the battle???????

Agent Smith: *evil, evil* *rubs hands together* Mwha-ha-ha-ha...

All Urak-hai: Ummm... uh-oh...

Boromir: It's a CONSPIRACY!

*And then, the battle begins...*

Iin Middle-earth, those of the Fellowship fought, for the freedom of Middle-earth... in a galaxy far, far away... sigh, this just isn't going to work...

*Ripoff of the Matrix... bad ripoffs...*

Orc: *finds medal pole somewhere, and uses it to wack all the many Smith clones that appear from no where* I am Mr. Anderson!!!!! Mwha-ha-ha...

Agent Smith: Enough with the bad ripoffs of MY movie. DYE!!!!!!

Orc: *dyes*

All other orcs: *die laughing at now blue orc*

Aragorn: That was too easy.

Agent Smith: So says you.

Urak-hai: I'm BAAAACK!!!!!!

Boromir: Sigh. Here we go again.

***

Please, someone else, go from there!

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Old 04-23-2004, 09:12 PM   #143
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Eye The Battle of Helm's Deep

GIMLI: You could have picked a better spot.

LEGOLAS: Shut up. *hits Gimli over the head with a large brick*

GIMLI: *thud*

URUKS: We will, we will, rock you! We will, we will, rock you!

(back in the keep)
RANDOM GUY #1: Well, it could be worse.

RANDOM GUY #2: How so?

RANDOM GUY #1: It could be raining.

*rain starts to fall*

THEODEN: You had to say it, didn't you...

(inside the caves)
RANDOM CAMEO PEOPLE: *cry cry sob cry cry*

EOWYN: *grrrr*

(back on the wall)
ARAGORN: A Eruchin,u-dano i faelas a hyn, an uben tanatha le faelas!
(We're all DOOMED! DOOM! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM!!!!)

GIMLI: *comes to* What? Where am I? What's going on?

LEGOLAS: *points bow at Gimli's head*

GIMLI: Oh, right, *mumblemumblewhimperwhimper*

LEGOLAS: Good. Now stay that way.

ARAGORN: DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM!

BOROMIR: Boy, are you a pessimist.

ARAGORN: And you're supposed to be dead right now! DIE!!!!

*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*
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Old 04-28-2004, 10:18 PM   #144
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(This is a blooper. Please do not be alarmed. This is only a blooper.)

Gollum: Master must keep up his strength.

Frodo: Gandalf told me that you were not that different from a Hobbit once.

Gollum(double take): He said what? Ugh!

Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.

Gollum: It is now! Yuck!

Frodo: Smmmmeeeeeaaaagol...

Gollum: Stupid wizards...

Frodo: *ahem* Smmmmeeeeaaagoolll?

Gollum: Is there a problem?

Frodo: Isn't that your name?

Gollum: No, that's not our name.

Frodo: Well then...what is your name?

Gollum: Mustn't ask, not its business...gollum gollum!

Frodo: Is it...Ralph?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: How about Fred?

Gollum: Lemmie check...nope.

Frodo: What about Floyd?

Gollum: Look Master, we appreciates the attentions, yes we do, but we'd really like to get some...oh, we don't know...SLEEP right now, maybe?

Fro: I bet I know.

Gollum: What?

Fro: Is it...Rumpelstiltskin?

Gollum: A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT! A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT!

*And in his fury, Gollum stamped one foot so hard into the marsh that he sunk out of sight*

Fro: Ummmmmm....?


(Let's try this...)

Aragorn: Legolas! What do your elf-eyes see?

Leggy: A cottage! Made all out of gingerbread.

Ara: Well, it's not to be wondered at, astigmatism seems to...a what??

Leggy: A tasty little gingerbread cottage. Can we eat it? Please please please pleasepleaseplease?

*A little old lady hobbles out*

LittleOldLady: Hello, travellers! Come inside, dearies and I'll make you some nice sweets!

Legolas: *drools and starts to hypnotically walk towards her*

Aragorn: Um, thanks all the same, but we're on a mission...

LOL: Oh, it won't take but a minute, and I've just set some pastries to cool!

ARagorn: *wipes a little drool from his face* Well, maybe just a little...

*There is a loud noise and the cottage and the little old lady vaporize. Leggy and Aragorn look up to see Gimli with a vaporizer*

Gimli: Never trust little old ladies.

(So it's late. Sue me. Hee hee hee...)
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Old 04-29-2004, 12:45 PM   #145
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Shield Trouble at Helm's Deep

Okay, this looks fun. I'll give it a shot.

PJ-Okay, everyone! This scene is looking great!

Haldir- Whaddya mean great?! This completely deviates from the original texts of Mr. Tolkein!

JRRT- (from closet) Yeah! *Smith kicks him*

Haldir- And what's with that guy? *points to Smith, who looks uncomfortable and starts whistling innocently.*

PJ- Look, dude, I'm taking artistic liscense. You can't make a good film without drama. Tolkein just doesn't have the drama I'm looking for, so I.. *modified* a few things.

Haldir- HA! "Modified," my elven backside! You've completely ruined everything! Like this! *takes out copy of script* Look, it says here that the House of Healing scene has been cut! That's so important to the storyline! And what's all this garbage about Arwen taking Glorfindel's place?

PJ- *sigh* When last I checked, Peter, not Haldir, was director of this film.

EVERYONE ELSE- Ooh, burned!

Theoden- That's MY line!

*LATER THAT EVENING*-- In PJ's Trailer.
PJ- Criticize MY directing, will he? Thinks my script stinks, does he? Hmph! I'll show him! I'll fix his little red wagon!!

*grabs copy of script and a red pen. Crawls under bed with a flashlight.*

PJ- No one will think to look for me here. He'll pay! They'll all pay!!

*Mad scribbling sounds and wicked laughter resonate from trailer.*

**NEXT DAY**

PJ- Erm, Uruk 236, I have a.. um.. new addition to your script.

236- Ooh! Do I finally get the emotional monologue I've been asking for?

PJ- Um, no. But the addition is a reeeeally important part of the story.

236- Oooh! Okay!

PJ- OKAY PEOPLE! Let's get to work! *Haldir passes by. PJ grins wickedly*We're skipping directly to the next scene for the Helm's Deep battle! You'll find it marked in your scripts...

Random Guy- Why are we doing this fight scene? Lego still doesn't have the stair surfing thing down yet.

*Lego gets on shield, grins, starts down stairs. His arms flail wildly, he loses his balance. Sheild flies out from underneath him and sails across set, impailing Uruk 791. Lego falls down stairs and lands in mud.*

PJ- Umm, we'll just skip forward a bit. MEDIC? Annnnd... ACTION!

*Uruk 236 looks into his script. In scribbly, red ink, the words "Get impailed by Haldir's sword" are scratched out and above it is written "Violently impail Haldir with your sword. Then laugh. And taunt him! That little loser..." 236 shrugs.*

236- IMPAIL!! MWAHAHAHA!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES! How was that?

Haldir- What the..? This wasn't in the script!

PJ-*looks dark and evil* It is now!

'Gorn-NOOOOOOO! *Runs to him*

Hal- Don't touch me! My wound will become infected with your filth! Ach!

A- Where does it hurt?

H- Oh, right around the big BLOODY SPOT!!! *dies*

PJ- Mwa ha haaa!

A- No! He owed me money!

PJ- Let this be a lesson to you all: DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF AN ARTISTIC GENIUS!! MUAHAHAHAA!... I mean, um.... Shame that Haldir wasn't wearing that ARMOR that I told him to wear! Oh, dearie me! I forgot to put that in his script! meh heh!

MAEG
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:34 PM   #146
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Eye Hey!!!

Methinks we really need to be getting back to the action at Helm's Deep and have been having w-a-a-a-a-y too much fun with the behind-the-scenes stuff.

In other words...

Just do the freakin' big fight scene! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

*goes psychotic and stabs nearest random person*

*wakes up from coma three weeks later wondering what happened*
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Old 04-30-2004, 07:17 PM   #147
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I will! Just to get the thing out of the way so's we can get to some good scenes!

Quote:
What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????
Well, it's stinkin' too long, the tone's all wrong, it's entirely focused on the wrong characters...I could go on and on.


(from Menel)
*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*
(/Menel)

*Boromir miraculously appears by Aragorn with a puzzled look on his face*

Aragorn: I told you you talked to Pippin too much! *To the interloper elves* Tangado a chadad! (Everybody, tango! Cha-cha!)

*the interlopers look at each other and shrug. They then notch their arrows and aim.*

Leggy: Faeg i-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc. (Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored)

Aragorn: Leithio i plbll, phhlblll, philinn! (Look! I have a caterpillar's lips!)

*the interlopers laugh so hard they can't hold their bowstrings. A surprisingly effective volley is fired.*

Gimli(to Leggy): Did they hit anything?

Legs: Cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored cencored...

Theoden: Give them the valley.

Gamling: What?

Theoden: Oh er, did I say that out loud? I meant "a volley".

Gamling(to the men): Fire!

The Men: AHH!

Gamling: No! Fire your arrows!

One-Eyed-Creepy-Dude-Named-Alfonse: Fire!

*The men do so. It is useless, as more Uruks take the place of any fallen. It is as Elrond foretold: DOOM.*

Aragorn(to the interlopers behind the wall): Ribed bant! (I am wearing courderoy pants!)

Interlopers: Durrr...

Gimli: Send them to me! There is one dwarf yet in Helm's Deep who still draws pretty pictures!

*the Uruks are partially successful in their attempts to make Helm's Deep more canonical, and several interlopers fall towards their death. Meanwhile, other Uruks put into place ladders that would have been many the envy of Wilhelm, one of the fallen interlopers who happened to be a ladder maker, had he not currently been dead.*

Ar: Pendraith! (Extra spicy hot sauce [in my] cheeto-fried brain!)

Leggy: CENSORED censored censored...

Gimli: Ooh, good one!

Ar: Swords! Swords!

*in a move that would have been the envy of any boyband infecting a stage, the interlopers simultaneously draw their swords with a "swoooosh!" However, their puny defense will be useless, considering the big honkin' ugly ladders that are currently carrying their less formidable cargo towards the wall*

*And so the hand-to-hand combat begins! Or is it claw-to-long-slender-hand? Or maybe...nevermind*

Gim: Ohhh, poncy elf-princeling!

Leg: CENCORED what?!?

Gim: I've got two already!

Leg: You interrupt me to tell me that?? Forget killing Uruks, leave Aragorn for me!

Gim: *ulp* *absentmindedly whacks Bob-the-Uruk in a nasty spot*

*Unfortunately, that Orc was played by a totally innocent contest winner. Bummer for him, eh?*

Ara(currently swashing swaths through Uruk fields): Rahh! Hrahhh! Ahhh!

Uruks: The greasy hair man! Run away!

*Meanwhile, nobody was watching the gate...*

Theoden: Oh, look! We have a visitor! Make sure they know the password before they can come in, which is of course "Have You Eaten A Blue Smartie Lately?".

Gamling: No! Those are more Uruks!

Aragorn: Look! Hado, ahhh, JUST SHOOT 'EM! I don't think anybody listens to me anyway, why should they? I'm just a little ol' lost kingy, nobody listens to the lost kingies, do they? Naw, they just expect me to wander the wild and babysit for some fat hairy farmers while the big guys are off doing important stuff, no time for a poor lost kingie...

All Within Earshot: Shut up!

*Meanwhile, the interlopers have fired a volley with their wimpy little arms. They do manage to fell some, but not enough, Uruks and they make their laborious way upwards towards the gate*

Theoden(oblivious): What, is this it? C'mon Saruman, you can do better than this! Surely the White Wizard isn't afraid of great and mighty Rohan, is he? Is he crying for his mommie at this moment?

Gamling: *sob* Noo...

Theoden: I DEFY YOU, you mama's-boy-Istar!

Gamling: *whimper*

*Cue "Chariots of Fire" theme...*

*Meanwhile, at the culvert...orcs have been piling giant spiky balls filled with who-knows-what. An unfortunate Uruk with a torch is walking towards it*

Bob: Marco!

Uruks Nearest the Culvert: Polo!

Bob: Marco!

Voice-Throwing Ventriloquist Orc(seemingly from within the culvert): Polo!

Bob: Ha! I've got you now!

*FOOOOOOMM!*

(Blahh...that's all I've got for now...)

Oh yes, a while back I asked (demanded, actually) the last scene. I no longer remember what I was going to do, and if someone wanted to do that, go ahead.
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Old 05-16-2004, 07:20 PM   #148
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Gee, maybe some bloopers would have livened this up a bit...

Quote:
*FOOOOOOMM!*
Theoden*"Home Alone" face-slap*: AHHHH!!

Gamling: Sir?

Theoden: we'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie.. .

Gamling: Oh brother.

*back to where the incompetent prince of Mirkwood failed to bring down a single wimpy little orc, the victims of the blast struggle to regain their footing*


(Anyone else?)
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Old 07-31-2004, 10:23 PM   #149
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For Valinor's Sake!

Is it really that hard?

(This is skipping ahead, yes I know.)



Gandy: "The battle of Helm's Deep is finished. The battle for Middle-EARTH is about to begin."

Aragorn: "Is that why you keep trying to sneak off when you think we're not looking? Huh? Huh"

Gimli: "I tell ya, Legolas, that's one battle those Uruk-Hai's won't forget for a while!"

Gandalf: "Well, duh, they're all DEAD!!"

Gimli*oblivous*: "I've composed a song, actually."

The Host: "Huh?"

*Gimli lept from the back of Arod, pulled a stringéd instrument from his pack and strummed a chord*

Gim: "Ooohh!!

The night was long, the moon was ween
Orc's shiny swords afar were seen
Leggy grew more and more obscene
Warriors begged for coffee bean!

Saruman's orcs were really mean
One of them kicked me in the spleen!
Lucky my armor was shiny and clean
It deflected the blow with the sound of a "Pleen!"

They sang us the songs of a band called "Queen"
They demolished the wall with an exploding machine!
They've got nastiness bred in their filthy genes!
But if we hit 'em with swords, then over they'd lean!

We were saved by an Istar played by an Ian!
He bounced into view off a trampoline!
He's the bestest wizard what's ever been!
The orcses turnéd nine shade of green!

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen
Fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen!
I beat the elf, 'twas quite keen
He had to dine on humble cuisine!

Saruman thought our fate was forseen
So he seemed rather serene
But for that we had a vaccine!
I bet when he hears there'll be a big scene!

I have to stop now, to fill my canteen
Legolas, no doubt, has begun to preen
I hope you like this song, you between
This Middle-Earth and your active-matrix screen!"


*Gimli did a couple of dance steps, and then ended the song with a very loud chord and a few screams*

The Host:

Éomer: "Dear Eru! If I live to be a hundred and ninety, I will never forget the horror of this day!"

Théoden: "May we be spared from this fate forevermore!"

Legolas: "Huh, and I've been travelling with him for months."

Aragorn: "But that was rather disturbing."

Gandalf: "I'd rate it about a 9.2."

Aragorn*shrug*: "Maybe."



(Thank you, www.rhymezone.com !)
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Old 08-01-2004, 04:10 PM   #150
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Quote:
Is it really that hard?
Well, no... And yes.
But what you did so far was really funny.
And Gimli's song was hilarious, Oddwen.
Ok, so next scene is should be the final one with Frodo, Sam and Gollum. Anyone?
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Old 08-01-2004, 11:46 PM   #151
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Narya

Sorry, Oddie. Can't think of anything yet. I have one prepared for Aragorn and Gimli's attack on the causeway, though.
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Old 08-02-2004, 04:23 PM   #152
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White Tree

Hope you don't mind if I randomly insert a comment inbetween these super scripts... I haven't read the thread for some time and so only just came across this:

Quote:
Just wanted to say...I made a few avatars based on this parody.

Inspired by Meela:
Glad to be back? (64x64, 5k)
Cart (64x64, 16k)
*applauds* love them! May well steal them! Actually, d'you think I could use them as avatars? I haven't got an avatar that's Meela-based.

Back to the thread... I haven't done any parodying for ages, and I rather miss the pathetic attempts at sly wit. If there's a future scene I can bag for myself, I'd like to have another go.

Quote:
And be sure to leave the Pyre of Denethor scene for Meela, as I don't think anybody is NEARLY as qualified for it as she is.
Can't believe I missed this... that is definitely applying. And my Death of Haldir scene will be posted in a day or two. And the Osgiliath flashback.
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Old 08-02-2004, 08:32 PM   #153
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Evisse: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. Looks as if I'll be beating Mr. Rimbaud next. (Ha, ha. )

Nilpsie-Wipsie Poo: Hey, looks like after I post, there'll be room for that.

Meela: Go ahead, do borrow them. Hope you don't mind me using your quotes.

Anyone, anywhere, jump in! If you have a different idea for a scene already done, go ahead and do it! There's a script (EE) here.


(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^(^ (^


Quote:
Theoden*"Home Alone" face-slap*: AHHHH!!

Gamling: Sir?

Theoden: we'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie.. .

Gamling: Oh brother.

*back to where the incompetent prince of Mirkwood failed to bring down a single wimpy little orc, the victims of the blast struggle to regain their footing*

Theoden: Quick! Somebody fix the gate!

CameoGuy: I will save you!

*CameoGuy runs to the gate and swiftly organizes the disorganized Rohirrim mob. He then singlehandedly kills many many uruks with many many flashy moves*

Enya: Hey, that's Peter Jackson!

CG: No, I'm not! My name is...uh...Tom Bombadil!

Tolkien: ARRGH!

*Upon the giant blast which destroyed the deeping wall, Aragorn was thrown violently through the air and landed conveniently in front of a leaderless band of interlopers*

(Meanwhile, atop the wall...)

Gimli(thinking): Oh, wow! Aragorn was just thrown violently through the air and has landed in front of a leaderless band of interlopers! Hey, I wonder if I can go through his pockets while he's still unconcious?

*Gimli then leaps from the wall into the river the culvert let through. He lands in some mud and sinks as far as his knees. Then the orcs start pouring in, and he is trampled*

Aragorn: Zzzz...Arwen, I love the way you do that...huh? What? Brego, noo! - wait, uh...hey! It seems I've been thrown violently through the air only to land in front of a bunch of leaderless interlopers! Cheerio!

*Unfortunately for him, "cheerio" sounds very like "herio", which is elvish for "CHAAAAAARGE!", which is just what the elvish trespassers did*

Aragorn: AAAARGH!

(Meanwhile, atop the wall...)

Legolas: CENCORED cencored cen-*thppping*-ored cencored *thwap*-cored cen-*thwing* cencored...hey dude, a shield! Do you know what I can do with a shield?

Uruks: Uhhh...no?

Leggy: This! *he dons a chef's hat and apron and begins to make a pizza* When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amoré!

Uruks: Duhh...

Legs: You can also do this. *he flips the shield along the ground, slicing the feet off of several uruks. Leggy then leaps upon the shield as it skids down some stairs, and starts to shoot stunned enemies mercilessly. With a neat half-torso twist at the bottom, he sends the projectile weapon kachunk! into the chest of another uruk*

Leggy: Like a glove!

Random Rohirrim: Uh, the allegory might be best served if you just flipped your hair and gave one of your famous sneers.

Leggy: Shut up. *he removes his shoe and hits the RR in the face* I correct myself. Like a boot.


)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)^)





Okey Dokey, These Are The Next Scenes In TTT:

***The Entmoot Decides***
***Haldir's Death***
***Theoden's only wimpy part in the battle***
***Gimsles and Argie's Charge***(Nilppppsen, your idea here?)
***Retreat to the halls***
***Pippin Gets Smart With Treebeard***
And one I will do now:




Scene: Big-Nose, Mop-Head and Baby-Face approach Osgiliath.


Faramir: Now we approach Osgiliath. Ya know, I once singlehandedly...

Madril: *ahem*

Faramir: I mean, I with only the help of Boromir...

Madril: *cough*

Faramir: Okay okay, BOROMIR and the host of Gondor butpersonallyassistedby me SAVED Osgiliath from...fire!

Sam: Really? Did he form a giant bucket brigade? We tried that once during the fire at the Green Dragon. Yep, threaten our ale and us Hobbits will stand together to the last man! Why, it reminds me of the time that Novo Oakplank fell into a vat, and the whole Chubb clan came down from...

Faramir: No, Osgiliath is on fire! It burns!

Frodo: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Faramir: NO! My cloak is on fire! AHH!

Random Soldier #1: Don't be a baby.

Fro: The Ring will not save Gondor. *dramatic hair-tossing look back* It has only the power to destroy. Let me go!

Farrums: AHH! AHH!

Madril: He's a little distracted right now. But I'm sure that he'd say, "Great Jumping Finarfin! Golly Batman, Gee Wally, my Daddy would really love me if I got him the Mostest Powerfullest Ring in the Whole World! I'm glad I'm so smart! Borrums hasn't got anything on me! Hee hee hee!"

Sam: Are you sure he'd say that?

Madril: Close enough. Now git!

Fro&Sam: Hey, don't push!





***Last March of the Ents***
***Nazgul Attack on Osgiliath***
***Theoden's Charge & Gandalf's Second Return***
***The Flooding of Isengard***
***Fro's Attack On Sam and Sam's Great Speech***
***EE, The Huorns at Helm's Deep***
***EE, Leggy & Gim's Final Tally***
***EE, Flotsam and Jetsam***
***EE, Bye-Bye Faramir, Through the Sewers***
***The Really Important Dudes Survey ME-I've done this already***
***Gollum's Plan***

Also, some more EE:
***Elvish Rope***
***Merry's Act***
***Saruman & The Wildmen***
***Massacre at the Isen***
***Treebeard's Poetry***
***Gandalf's and Aragorn's Talk***
***Ent Draught***
***Theodred's Funeral/Eowyn's Song***
***Brego***
***The Ring of Barahir***
***The STEW!***
***Faramir's Vision of Boromir***
***Flashback to Osgiliath, Boromir/Faramir/Denethor***
***Eowyn's Confrentation of Aragorn***


Wheehee, have some fun! G'night!

Hopefully this will keep things a bit straighter.
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Old 08-04-2004, 04:40 AM   #154
Oddwen
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One more avvie, inspired by Me:

valley.gif, 7k

[edit]
And yet another! by Me:
hoom.gif, 10k
[/edit]
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Old 08-07-2004, 08:01 PM   #155
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Your avvies are always so amusing, Oddwen! Keep it up!
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Old 08-12-2004, 12:20 AM   #156
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Behind the Scenes: The Screenwriters.

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo.

Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!
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Treebeard: The Ents cannot hold back this storm. We must weather such things as we have always done.

Pippin: There's a storm?

Treebeard: No, Master Peregrin. It means we won't fight?

Merry: You . . . will not fight?

Treebeard: This is not our war.

Merry (frustrated): But what about me?

Ents look perplexed.

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

Merry is put into a straitjacket, and he is struggling wildly. Pippin tries to cheer him up.

Pippin: Maybe Treebeard's right. You are crazy.

Merry (to screenwriter): You call this "cheer him up"?

Pippin: What?

Merry: Listen to me, Pip. The fires of Isengard will spread, and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Pippin.

Pippin: . . . zzzsnork. Huh?

Merry: If Saruman wins, no more mushrooms.

The horrible truth registers on Pippin's face.

Pippin: OK, you tree-thingies! Listen up! Free him, or I'll eat you all!

Merry: Way to go, Pip.

The Ents reluctantly free Merry from the straitjacket.

Pippin: One more thing: We go thrash Isengard, or you get thrashed. Comprende?
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The next part will come tomorrow, or Monday at the most.
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Old 08-13-2004, 10:45 PM   #157
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Quote:
Oddwen: This is all? *gestures to an almost empty auditorium*

Nilpaurion Felagund: Uh . . . Oddie . . .

Oddwen: What happened to all the other screenwriters? You tell me only one - plus me - is all that's left?

NF: Odd . . . I've got the next part.

Oddwen: Oh, goodie!
Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!
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Old 08-16-2004, 12:29 AM   #158
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Narya Save:

The part from Haldir's death to Théoden's "Get out of there!"

I'm really sorry I haven't finished it yet.

Thursday at latest. Reeeally Thursday.
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Old 08-18-2004, 02:29 AM   #159
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Quote:
Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!
NF: Oh, look. He's back. *yawns*

A million flamingoes rush at NF.

NF: Ouch. *his hand stretches upward, clutching a folder.* I've got the next part.

Menel: Finally. *grabs the folder from NF's hand.*

NF: I'm sorry it's late. An op had gone bad and . . .

Odd: Liar.

NF: What?

Menel: You spent your weekend trying to perfect your Lego army so you could beat your little brothers at Lego wars.

NF: How did you--

Odd: And after that, you watched Dante's Peak, then Roman Holiday, just to find something to post on the Mixed up Movies Game. You didn't even do your Physics homework.

NF: What--

Odd: You procrastinate so much, it isn't even funny.

NF: *cringe* . . . wait, how d'you know?

Menel: We have our sources . . . *opens the folder*
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The battle continues at Helm's Deep. The army of Isengard appears to be winning. Théoden looks on from the Keep. Of course. He's a chicken.

But enough of them. Let's check the shindig . . . I mean the refugees at Aglarond.


Women: The men are away! Slumber party!

Freda: No more pizza! Mom ate 'em all!

Women: *groan*

Meanwhile . . .

Théoden: Fall back!

Many men jump from the wall. Of course, they died.

Théoden: I mean RETREAT!!!

Rohirrim: Oh.

Aragorn: Théoden's chicken! Don't retreat!

Rohirrim: Sorry. We're outta here.

Aragorn: Hmph.

He notices Haldir still fighting on top of the remnants of the Deeping Wall.

Aragorn: Haldir's alive!

Haldir was slashed in the back - stupid PJ . . .

Haldir: I knew something bad would happen to me when I join that filthy Ranger. *dies*

Aragorn: Or maybe not.

Gimli: Was that in the book?

Aragorn: No.

Gimli: Were the Elves supposed to be here?

Aragorn: Not that I know of . . . no, I guess.

Gimli: OK.

They just stand there stupidly, watching the Orcs kill all the other Elves.

Uruk 1: Non-canonical! *slash*

Elf: It's not our fault! Blame PJ! *dies*

The Uruks are using a whisk broom to break the gate.

Rohirrim: Hey, ugly! That's not the way to break a gate!

The Uruks break through the gate.

Rohirrim: Or maybe not. *an Orc shoots him*

Théoden: To the gate! Draw your swords.

Gamling: Well, this is interesting . . .

Théoden goes to the wall. An Uruk stabs him with a spear. He dies.

Gamling: Wait, this isn't how it's supposed to happen . . . *leafs through script* Hmmm . . .

Gamling pulls Théoden is back to safety.

Gamling: I'm supposed to say "I love you", but I don't. *kiss*

Théoden: Blech. *wipes his mouth* What was that for?

Gamling: Errr . . .

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn rush up the stairs and up to the gate.

Legolas: Whew! Shield-surfing is tiring!

Gimli: You think that's tiring? Try standing around doing nothing.

Théoden:What happened to the Elves?

Aragorn: They're all dead.

Théoden: Wanna join then?

Aragorn: Sure! Gimli!

[Who needs a parody when you could have the entire "Toss me" conversation?]

Aragorn and Gimli appear outside the fortress near the top of the causeway. They look down on the Uruks fighting at the gate.

Gimli (peering around Aragorn): Ah! Come on! We can take 'em.

Aragorn: It's a long way.

Gimli checks the distance and considers his options.

Gimli: Toss me.

Aragorn: What? *arches an eyebrow*

Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me.

Aragorn reaches for him.

Gimli: Don't tell the elf.

Aragorn: Not a word. *fingers crossed*

Aragorn tosses Gimli to the causeway into the Uruks. Gimli gives a battle cry. Aragorn jumps to the causeway with a cry of his own. And no, they don't fall down.

Théoden: Let's get outta here!

Gamling: How about the gate?

Théoden: Well . . . I'll guess we'll have to fix it first.

The gate is repaired . . . with paper? Huh. Good luck.

Théoden: Gimli! Aragorn! Good bye!

He fits in a last board.

Uruk 2: What is it? What do you smell?

Uruk 3: *sniff sniff* MANPADS.

[MANPADS=Man-portable Air Defence System. The RPG, although technically an anti-tank weapon, is sometimes used against aircraft.]

Legolas: Aragorn! *throws down rope.*

An RPG is launched. Legolas looks up.

Legolas: RPG!!!™ *loses balance* Aaah!!!

Boromir emerges from the gate, and catches Legolas

Boromir: Heeere's Johnny!

Théoden: He wrecked the gate!

Gamling: Back to work, guys.

As he sets Legolas down, Boromir loses his balance. He'll be shish-kebabed by the Orcs! HE'LL BE SHISH-KEBABED BY THE ORCS!!!

The Orcs move away.


Boromir: Ouch.

Legolas: Boromir's dead! Again!

Boromir: I'm not dead!

Legolas: Boromir's dying!

Boromir: I'm perfectly fine!

The Uruks move back in place, stepping over him.

Boromir: Ow!

Aragorn: Don't worry. He'll be back in time for RotK.

Théoden: There's a moral in this scene . . . somewhere . . .
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Old 08-18-2004, 10:29 AM   #160
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Eye More Helm's Deep mayhem...

*Somehow, Legolas manages to haul Aragorn and Gimli up to the top of the wall*

*Uruks start firing giant crossbow-things at the wall. One of them hits Peter Jackson as he's making a cameo appearance.*

PJ: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! You idiot! You weren't supposed to do that! How am I supposed to direct this (censored) thing when I'm DEAD?!!!

ARAGORN: Maybe you should make fewer cameo appearances.

PJ: AAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!!! *attacks Aragorn with huge battle axe*

ARAGORN: Shut up. *hits the director over the head*

PJ: *falls backward, unconscious, snapping rope attached to ladder*

URUKS ON LADDER: STUPID DIRECTORRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

URUK IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Cowabunga!!!

THEODEN: Aw, forget it. I think we're doomed. Yes, that's it! We're DOOMED! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

*Theoden runs like a chicken. The others stupidly follow.*

ARAGORN: Um, why are we hiding in here waiting for the orcs to kill us?

THEODEN: Because it's absolutely hopeless, we're doomed, and I'm too chicken to do anything.

GAMLING: Exactly.

ARAGORN: Well, if we're all gonna die anyway, can't we at least ride out and run over a couple hundred orcs with some cool music playing in the background?

THEODEN: No, I'm too chicken to do that. WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!

GIMLI: The sun is rising.

THEODEN: The sun is rising? The SUN is RISING? THE SUN IS RISING?! Well, that changes everything. Let's go. Gimli, the secret weapon, please.

ARAGORN: Secret weapon?

THEODEN: You'll see.

GAMLING: Here, I recommend you take these. *hands everybody some earplugs*

*Uruks break in. Gimli runs up to the top of the tower and finds a CD player wired to some HUUUUGE speakers. He turns it on*

*Uruks fall to the floor and die from the horror of hearing ELEVATOR MUSIC at ear-splitting decibel levels* (where's the evil smily when I really need it?)

*Theoden and Co. ride out and run over many of the remaining orcs, who die just as easily*

*Gandalf, Eomer, Rohirrim show up and ride down the hill*

GANDALF: Where did all these guys come from? You only had 20 or so.

EOMER: Must be a plot hole. Pay no attention.

GANDALF: Right. Got it.

RANDOM GUY: Aaaaaaagh! *horse trips over rock*

*his horse hits the rider in front of him, who crashes into the riders in front of him, etc., and everybody falls like dominoes, crashing into the orcs who in turn fall like dominoes*

OK, all we need to do for the rest of TTT are:
Treebeard discovering half the forest is missing
Ents trashing Isengard
Frodo and Sam at Osgiliath
Gandalf's "We're doomed" speech
Final scene with Frodo, Sam and Gollum in Ithilien

Then we're on to ROTK...
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