Be careful what you wish for...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that Fingolfin killed Morgoth.

Your wish is granted. However, Morgoth fell on top of Fingolfin and killed him. What's more, Sauron was the only one who saw the fight and so he took on the shape of Morgoth and became the new Dark Lord. He hid the body and took the Silmarills and ruled the armies much better than Morgoth ever did. Beleriand is in dire peril!

I wish Mount fang had wheels and could race Mount Zoom!

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

ruled the armies much better than Morgoth ever did.

I wish Mount fang had wheels and could race Mount Zoom!

(It's a good thing this is a joke thread, or I'd think you had lost your mind.)

Granted. Unfortunately, the tires pop and Mount Fang crashes into our already burnt-down Rivendel. At least it cleared up the landscape.


I wish Isildur sliced off Sauron's HAND to take the ring from Sauron.

[Meneltarmacil]

I wish Isildur sliced off Sauron's HAND to take the ring from Sauron.

Your wish is granted. Sauron's hand, however, choked Isildur to death and the ring was returned to its master.

I wish there were dinosaurs in Middle-Earth.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish there were dinosaurs in Middle-Earth.

Granted. Dinosaurs are in Middle Earth. Dinosaurs being, of course, 'terrible lizards' are just that. They are careless and chaotic, always trashing inns and making elves sick with their terrible jokes. These lizards then go on to make a truly terrible stage show that sends all of Middle Earth into a rage.

I wish the Balrog had decided to have a lie in on the day that Gandalf and the others escaped from Moria.

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish the Balrog had decided to have a lie in on the day that Gandalf and the others escaped from Moria.

Your wish is granted. Unfortunately this was because he had mutated avian flu. He got it from the Orcs and the Orcs spread it to Merry and Pippin and on and on and on until it became a global pandemic.

I wish that Turgon had listened to Tuor and evacuated Gondolin

[arcticstorm]

your wish is granted,
Turgon evacuates Gondolin. Gothmog and the other balrog survive until the war of wrath when Gothmog flees to Moria, having two balrogs infest the area. Turgon remains high king of the Noldor and leads the armies of the last alliance. He barely survives and keeps Vilya, Gil-galad is still slain though. Imladris is run by Turgon instead of elrond and though the council of Turgon is a great success, when the fellowship goes through Moria, Gothmog and his other pal, destroy the fellowship and Gothmog takes the ring becoming the new dark lord.

I wish Fingolfin would have defeated Melkor

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish Fingolfin would have defeated Melkor

Your wish is granted. But Sauron became the new Dark Lord and made a Ring of Power in Thangorodrim and Thingol asked Beren for Sauron's Ring instead of a Silmaril. Beren reluctantly agreed and was successful and after a great mental struggle gave the Ring to Thingol. One night Beleg, at Melian's pleading, took the Ring from Thingol and flew on an Eagle to Thangorodrim and refused to destroy the Ring. The Eagle then dropped Beleg into Thangorodrim as they previously agreed upon. Meanwhile Thingol killed Melian in a rage and was killed by one of her servants himself. Also Gothmog became the new Dark Lord and ordered a successful assault upon Doriath. This became the Battle of Unnumbered tears.

I wish that Nienor hadn't commited suicide.

[Valesse]

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

I wish that Nienor hadn't commited suicide.

Consider it done, Elf-warrior, infact, consider it applied across the board!
Not only does Nienor give in to personal *cough* demons, no one does, and Middle Earth is chalk full of angsty, depressed, and emotional characters, running a muck and wearing large amounts of runny eyeliner. Also, (again) Zoloft is introduced... and then abandoned. We're all far too depressed to take something advertised by a skipping rock-face...head... thing. The Rohirrim appear to turn to bad, Gothic poetry for comfort. Whereas Gondorians everywhere start wearing black...well...more black and become hermits. The peoples of Middle Earth decide that its all just too much for them to bear and gladdly hand over the Ring to Sauron, Frodo and all, so that he might put an end to it all. sniff.

I wish that instead of a "Great Eye", Sauron would have been a giant pair of sparkley disco-britches which shake violently when angered. Grr!

[The 1,000 Reader]

[/QUOTE]I wish that instead of a "Great Eye", Sauron would have been a giant pair of sparkley disco-britches which shake violently when angered. Grr![/QUOTE]


Granted. However, Eru thinks of the children and erases Sauron from existence.


I wish Saruman and Sauron didn't have racially different hands.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish Saruman and Sauron didn't have racially different hands.

Your wish is granted. They now have the same hands. However, the both share the same pair of hands. They argue over whose turn it is to use them and their war on each other destroys the South of Middle Earth.

I wish Denethor had gone into acting.

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Denethor had gone into acting.

Granted. Denethor goes into the acting career. Unfortunately, despite his superb roles as insane men, Denethor is torn apart by the tinseltown machine and lives the rest of his days missing the limelight.


I wish Sauron scratched his butt with his black hand and set it(his butt) on fire by accident.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by The 1,000 Reader

I wish Sauron scratched his butt with his black hand and set it(his butt) on fire by accident.

Granted! Sauron's butt catches on fire while he scratches it and he is forced to put it out in the Great River. This causes everyone in Middle-Earth to laugh and him, then he goes in the corner and cries.

I wish Faramir had gone to with the Fellowship instead of Boromir.

[Thinlómien]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

I wish Faramir had gone to with the Fellowship instead of Boromir.

Your wish is granted. Boromir stays in Gondor and Faramir goes in his stead. Because Boromir's not there, the ring tempts Gimli to try to take it. Galadriel sees his intentions and despises him. Gimli gets depressed because his love hates him and commits suicide. Later, Eomer dies and Pippin is forgotten under the huge troll, because Gimli is not there to look after them. This causes that Éowyn inherits the crown of Rohan and she becomes the first ruling queen in Rohan's history.

I wish that Maedhros had not lost his hand.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that Maedhros had not lost his hand.

Granted. He now loses his head.

I wish Shelob had just had a really big pig out on Orcs and so couldn't chase Frodo and Sam.

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish Shelob had just had a really big pig out on Orcs and so couldn't chase Frodo and Sam.

Your wish is granted. But Frodo and Sam are spotted from the tower of Cirith Ungol. Frodo puts on the Ring and disappears but Sam is captured. Later Frodo is captured by one of the Nazgul and thus Sauron regains the Ring.

I wish that all of the sons of Feanor had been killed trying to take Dior's Silmaril.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that all of the sons of Feanor had been killed trying to take Dior's Silmaril.

Granted. But Sauron steals it instead some how. He now becomes a terrible and great Dark Lord and enslaves the whole of Middle Earth. Well done.

I wish Deagol had killed Smeagol

[Valesse]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Deagol had killed Smeagol

Poof! Truth be had, a fairie just sneezed on your ear and, well, there you are!

Deagol kills Smeagol, keeps the ring, and takes a few years in thearpy to boot. After seven progressive years he has a panic attack and runs away from home thinking that all the other hobbits are shaking their heads at him chanting "Shame, shame."

He gets up enough nerve to look at that nasty, problem causing ring on his journey to nowhere and becomes instantly enthralled with it. The ring directs him Southeast, toward Mordor, but Deagol gets lost and ends up mucking about in Rivendell where he is thrown into prison for being nothing but a royal pain.

Congratulations! The Ring never gets to Mordor, but all of Imaldris is calling for you blood.

I wish that instead of Wargs, the Orcs of the White Hand were given large frogs to ride and meet the Rohirrim.

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish that instead of Wargs, the Orcs of the White Hand were given large frogs to ride and meet the Rohirrim.

Your wish is granted. The Rohirrim quickly learn how to dodge them but they also learn that their blood is extremely poisonous. Aragorn discovers by accident that really yucky vegetable soup is a good antidote to the poison. Because Eowyn was appointed Chief Frog Poison Doctor she got to ride to war with the Rohirrim with Theoden's express approval. Grimbold was left to govern the remnant of the Rohirrim and thus got to live to old age.

I wish that Javert got to enter Middle-earth.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that Javert got to enter Middle-earth.

Granted... erm... but Orcs eat Javert's face.

I wish we knew what Tom Bombadill and Gandalf talked about when they met.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish we knew what Tom Bombadill and Gandalf talked about when they met.

POOF! We now know that Gandalf and Tom spoke together for many hours on the subject of the best way to cook and eat a hobbit.

I wish Legolas had been left in Moria by the Fellowship.

[Maeggaladiel]

I wish Legolas had been left in Moria by the Fellowship.

Consider it done.

Legolas remains in Moria and opens the first Elven Hair Salon for Misunderstood Orcs. With his guidance, the ugly orcs of Moria become beautiful, and everyone realizes that they're not really evil: they just have low self esteem. Cured of this, the orcs become model citizens and eventually open a humane animal shelter for abandoned and injured wargs.

I wish Boromir would come back from the dead... as a zombie.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish Boromir would come back from the dead... as a zombie.

G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-granted! But he decides to be a good zombie and help Middle Earth. However, he falls apart every five minuets and is soon thrown into the middle of the sea without any arms or legs.

I wish Gandalf would turn some Orcs into spotted toads and fill their gardens with grass snakes, just for a laugh.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Gandalf would turn some Orcs into spotted toads and fill their gardens with grass snakes, just for a laugh.

Granted! Gandalf becomes Middle-Earth's practical joker. After turning the orcs into toads and filling their gardens with grass snakes he goes on to steal all Farmer Maggot's mushrooms and replaces them with the orcs who are now spotted toads. Then he spray paints "Saruman Smells!" all over Isengard and after he gives Denethor an atomic wedgie his friends confront him about his problem. Gandalf then goes into rehab to stop his jokes.

I wish Fatty Bolger had been in the movies.

[Boromir88]

I wish Fatty Bolger had been in the movies.

Your wish is granted, but since the actor who plays Fatty Bolger asked for so much money, Jackson couldn't go over budget and had to cut Gandalf, Aragorn, and Faramir from the cast.

I wish Sauron and Gandalf created a law firm together.

[Valesse]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

I wish Fatty Bolger had been in the movies.

Your wish is my command, Kitanna!
Fredegar Bolger corners the camera man during Bilbo's party and tells a whole list of scandlous elf jokes. When Fro-jiah comes to protest Bolger calls him a scene-stealing git and punches him in the mouth. Frodo loses his front teeth during the brawl.
And now, instead of the awkward "Galadriel's mirror" scene where Legolas is first in the reflection the movie audience is welcomed by a sight of Fatty Bolger picking his nose and twitching, as it might be an after shock from having tea with that Nazgul. With a gasp of alarm, Frodo loses his balance along with a few more teeth.
Upon discovering him, Frodo kills Gollum in a jealous dental-induced rage, and never finds a way into Mordor.

I wish, instead of fighting, each confrontation would literally be a "Battle of the Bands"... or Bards for that matter.

[arcticstorm]

I wish Sauron and Gandalf created a law firm together.

your wish is my command, Sauron and Gandalf go into business together as lawyers, unfortunately because of their differing views they were always fighting and eventually ended up sueing each other.

I wish, instead of fighting, each confrontation would literally be a "Battle of the Bands"... or Bards for that matter.

your wish is granted, however it is a little known fact that Morgoth and Sauron were actually the best singers of all the ainur, so they were able to pass on the skill by giving voice lessons to all the orcs, balrogs, dragons, wearwolves, etc. in their armies and took over middle earth and valinor with their incredible voices.

I wish that Turin had married Finduilas

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by arcticstorm

I wish that Turin had married Finduilas

Your wish is granted. But it makes very little difference, she is still kidnapped by Orcs and slain by them. But Turin feels more grief and throws himself down a precipice.

I wish Beleriand had not been broken in the war of Wrath.

[The Elf-warrior]

I wish Beleriand had not been broken in the war of Wrath.

Your wish is granted. But because the Valar didn't use their power as much few of the Elves survived.

I wish that Gandalf had turned Grima into a worm.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that Gandalf had turned Grima into a worm.

Granted. But no one seems to notice the difference.

I wish the Witch King's crown was shaped like a hot hat.

[Bergil]

excuse me, I meant zzzap. your wish is granted. the witch-king's crown is now a hot hat. unfortunately, the hat is so hot that whenever he tries to put it on, he drops it on his toes.

I wish that the barrow-downs in the book were replaced by our barrow-downs

[Glirdan]

I wish that the barrow-downs in the book were replaced by our barrow-downs

Your wish is granted. The Barrow-Downs from the book with all the dead green guys gets replaced by our Barrow-Downs that contain more green guys and girls. But they're more chatty than the old Wights and they drove Frodo into insanity and was never rescued by Tom and the Ring was eventually found by the Ring-Wraiths.

I wish that the Ring-Wraiths worked for the good guys.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish that the Ring-Wraiths worked for the good guys.

Granted. But they use the language of Orthank. And help means hinder and saving means slaying. So things go a little wrong.

I wish Gandalf was not so hated by Denethor.

[Boromir88]

I wish Gandalf was not so hated by Denethor.

I grant you wish, Gandalf and Denethor are best friends, Gandalf now assists Denethor in killing Faramir.

I wish Jackson would have kept Arwen at Helm's Deep

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by Boromir88

I wish Jackson would have kept Arwen at Helm's Deep

Granted. However, to balance this out, Saruman goes to Helm's Deep. Saruman knocks the old man's arrow away from his uruk-hai with staff, like what Gandalf did to Legolas' arrow, and the arrow flies into Arwen's head, killing her. Aragorn is distrought and, unable to lead his forces correctly, Helm's Deep is lost.

I wish Legolas got Gimil a box to stand on at Helm's Deep.

[Valesse]

Originally Posted by The 1,000 Reader

I wish Legolas got Gimil a box to stand on at Helm's Deep.

Wouldn't you know it? Yet another fairie is having a rather rough day with her little sinuses and sneezes up another wish....on your shoulder. Yucky...

Legolas is a gentle..elf and gives Gimli a box to stand on before the battle of Helms Deep BUT during the intense battle a ladder knocks Gimli off of the box and he suffers from some might Middle Earth back pain. Not only that, but now the invaiding orcs have a cute, bulky-bearded step way down off the wall.

Later in the onslaught, the box provided goes flying with explosions (provided) and lands on Snowmane's head and renders the poor Merah unconcious. Snowmane sues Theoden for unsafe working conditions and, with a short but sweet background in how government runs, runs off to Rome (..and Roman times, I guess...)to become Caligua's horse*.

*History!: Caligua nearly made his horse a Senator of Rome. (Thankies for the pointer Kitanna!)

It is my deepest desire that orcs develop worker unions in the years prior to the War of the Ring.

[The Elf-warrior]

It is my deepest desire that orcs develop worker unions in the years prior to the War of the Ring.

Your wish is fulfilled. But Sauron suppressed those unions with brutal efficiency using the Olga-Hai and Uruks to massacre them. Grishnakh was a veteran of these wars and was made Captain of his elite interrogation squad. This was how he knew about the Ring.

I wish that Sauron was really just an eye.

[The 1,000 Reader]

Originally Posted by The Elf-warrior

I wish that Sauron was really just an eye.

(Good thing I was wearing my friend's coat) Granted. Eru sees what a wasted creation the eye Sauron is and replaces him with maia named Baal*. Baal* is more effective than Sauron and Morgoth is ruler of Middle-Earth by the time of the War of Wrath.

*False god in the Bible.


I wish orcs spoke only in Spanish.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I wish orcs spoke only in Spanish.

Your wish is granted. However, an orc comes to your house and explains that he wants some biscuits, but you cannot understand him and so he slaps you. In the face. with a mace.

I wish Tom Bombadill had a really big hat.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I wish Tom Bombadill had a really big hat.

Tom Bombadil is now the owner of the world's largest hat. Far bigger than any ten gallon hat. He is able to hide Hobbits, Dwarves, and small children inside of it.

I wish Gimli would seize power and become the king of Gondor.

[Boromir88]

I wish Gimli would seize power and become the king of Gondor.

Woosh! And with a flick of the wand tis so. I'm sure you'll be happy. Gimli sees the political vacuum in Gondor with the death of Denethor and assumes the people wanted a Democracy! And the People shouted whilst throwing him out of town "Just because some forest bint gave you three strands of her hair is no way to decide a form of Government! Supreme Authority lies in the masses!"

(sorry couldn't resist the Pythonism)

I wish Legolas would share his strawberry scented shampoo.