Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Anybody ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? I was thinking, why hasn't anyone written up an amateur version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth? Such entries to it would include:

the Shire: Great place for hitchhikers who love smoking, feasting, drinking, and general merriment. Run by a bunch of tiny little guys with hairy feet and big ears. Warning: Don't wear a pointy hat, or you'll instantly be labelled as a tourist, and what's more, a disturber of the peace. See also Hobbit, Baggins, Brandybuck, Gamgee, Took, and Pipe-Weed.

Or how about:

Balrog: Very grumpy sort of creature that lives underground, specifically in the Moria Caves. You'll probably want to wet your ever-helpful towel and cover your face with it, so that the fumes coming off of its fiery body. The best way to kill a Balrog is to throw it off of a cliff, stab it, drown it, chase it, and then stab it again. You'll turn white and be revered by your fellow hitchhikers if you ever accomplish a task such as this. See also Moria, Gandalf, Udun, and Balin.

[Eowyn Wenhamir]

Gasp! I love HHGTTG.

Minas Tirith Home of the most powerful Men on Middlearth, the Gondorians. Ruled by many people, the most famous of which is Aragorn "Elessar" "Wingfoot" "Strider" "Longshanks" of the Dunedain, heir of Isildur. Location of the famous "flying flame leap" of Denethor. If you climb up to the Halls of the Kings, you can see into Mordor, and there's a real nice view of the smoking ruins of Osgiliath. Bring a camera and be careful to watch out for flying Nazgul.

[Mithalwen]

surely editing would have reduced the Shire entry to "Harmless"? Revised to "mostly harmless" in the 4th Age edition....

[Encaitare]

Sauron: A cruel and heartless individual who is to be avoided at all costs. We warn you: even your towel will be small protection from the ghastly terrain of his home in Mordor. It's unlikely that you will ever be invited to tea, but in the event that you are unlucky enough to receive such an invitation, two things must be kept in mind. The first: do not accept any gifts from him. And the second: do not allow yourself to listen to any of his poetry! It is quite possibly the worst poetry in Middle Earth, second only to one.* Both gifts and poetry may result in enslavement and his permanent posession of your mind.

*See Tom Bombadil.

------------------------------------

Ah, this is too amusing.

[Gurthang]

Ooh, good books! Its been a long time though.

Rings of Power: Wonderful trinkets that can be sought out at Rivendell, Lothlorien, Barad Dur, and anywhere you see a Grey Wizard. They give the ability to be invisible, and can give increased power in building, combat, mining, or magic. Warning: Side effects may include: Slow transformation into a wraith, obsessiveness towards ring, intensity of emotions, and having your mind taken over by a Dark Lord.

[Catherine]

Rivendell: A very nice, comfortable, and quiet place. It's a good place to come, relax and enjoy the fine lives of the elves. Activites include singing, dancing, writing, and relaxing. You must be carefull when traveling to Rivendell, it is hard to find and you don't want to run into any "black riders."

[Oddwen]

Moria: Mostly Harmful

[The Saucepan Man]

Balrogs: Mostly Flightless

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Yes, Mithalwen, Gildor Inglorian (Ford Prefect's cohort) wrote just that entry of mine, of the Shire, that was indeed reduced to "Harmless" in the Third Age. Unfortunately, just after being revised to "Mostly Harmless" at the crowning of Elessar and the honoring of Frodo son of Arthur, the Shire was destroyed by Saruman the Vogon. Fortunately, the dolphins Galadriel and Celeborn had already supplied an unknowing Hobbit, Samwise, with the fishbowl containing magic dust and stuff to regrow the Shire. Afterwards, Gildor's entry was reinstated, after Frodo Dent wrote in to Elessar to complain.

Okay, this has come uncomfortably close to a parody. Yuck.

Shelob: If you're afraid of spiders, this is one creature that your indefagitable towel will certainly come in handy in covering your head(s) from. Watch out for the large sting on her tail end, and be sure to bring some Vicks Vapo Rub to put under your nose--Samwise Gamgee has given accounts of Shelob's stench, and apparently it would choke a Ringwraith's horse.

And foregoing the fact that I might resemble Arthur himself a little too much, what was wrong with Tom Bombadil's poetry? =D

[Nuindacilien]

I haven't read Hitchhiker's yet, but I heard it's a really good book. Can anyone tell me what it's about?
I also saw a trailer for it when I went to see The Aviator.

~Nuinda

[Eowyn Wenhamir]

HHGTTG is about Arthur Dent, some Earth dude who is absolutely dull but lovable, who is friends with an alien named Ford Prefect. Ford knows that the Earth is going to be destroyed in approximately an hour, so he announces it to a bar and takes Arthur with him while he hitchhikes onto a passing Vogon ship. The rest of the story is basically about Arthur's excursions with Ford, his friend/relative Zaphod Beeblebrox, another Earth woman named Trillian/Tricia, a very very grumpy robot named Marvin ( ), Slartibarfast (sp?), the man who designed the Earth, and eventually a charming Earth woman named Fenchurch. The book is extremely philisophical, my friend and I decided, and all parts of it are highly enjoyable except the ending... It's the only part of the book that makes sense, and it's the least happy. I would recommend reading the book before seeing the movie, or even the old movie. The old movie sucks, and there is no way the new one could match the ruling randomosity of the book.

[The Saucepan Man]

Gimli: A short stocky fellow with an axe who inadvertently discovered the Meaning of Life at Helm's Deep.

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Elves: Residents of Middle-earth; smarter than mice, but not quite so smart as dolphins. Now departed -- final message: "So long and thanks for all the. . .heck. . .thanks for nothing."

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Dwarven Poetry:

Dwarven poetry is among the most interesting in all of Middle Earth. Mostly it is a good selection of random mining songs that give dwarves the spirit to work on in their odd attempts to find riches. So it may be startling to discover that many of the dwarves who have written poetry that has been successful have ended up dieing in almost the exact same way.
Many dwarven bards write for enjoyment until their work is recognised by others. This can take several decades and most works will not be considered for reading without a request being filed and stamped. Stamped again and sent to the head office, lost, found, eaten by a Fell beast, re written and sent to the manager of the dwarodelf. Lost a second time, found again, stamped with shoes, lost AGAIN, and finally found at the bottom of a well some where in Khand.
Thus it is unsurprising that after several attempts at getting their work polished that Dwarves soon give up the will to exist and so stop. The freak and sudden inexistence of dwarven poets has lead to many followers of some work to complain about the way things are worked. This however is hardly successful as they are told to "Shhh!" by almost every one who meets them. And so as a result, they resort to, yes, none existence.

No one is quite sure why they do this, as it has absolutely no effect on the ecosystem of the Dwarves. Many of the wise agree that if we knew exactly why the dwarves did this, then we would know an awful lot more about Ea than we do now. But for now, you may wish to read our study of Elven rituals such as; Tease the Dwarven poet".

[HerenIstarion]

The Shire - the place were it is not advisable to go shopping once you need new epilating forceps.

[Durelin]

Bag End: One of the best places to find *leaf* induced laughter.

[Lostgaeriel]

Ropes: A rope is about the most massively useful thing any Middle-earth Hitch-Hiker can carry. For one thing it has great practical value – you can tie it around your Elven cloak for warmth and camouflage on the Plains of Gorgoroth, rappel down it from the top of the cliffs of the Emyn Muil, make a bridge out of it to cross the River Celebrant, make a halter for a sturdy little pony, make a ladder to climb a mallorn tree in the forest of Lothlórien, make an ankle leash for a miserable slinker, tie up an Elven boat on the shores of the great River Anduin, be hung on the end of it as a warning to numbskulls, and even make a swing from the mallorn tree in the Party Field for little Elanor if it still seems strong enough.

[Lostgaeriel]

Eowyn Wenhamir recommends reading the book(s) before watching the upcoming movie and old TV series. I would go one or two steps further. If you can find it, LISTEN to the recording (well, actually the re-recording) of the ORIGINAL RADIO PLAY.

tHHGttG was a BBC radio series first. I believe you can find the recording at one of those "music file sharing websites" - you know what I mean. Or your local library may have an old LP (vinyl) copy. Check with your local college or university radio station - they may have it - ask them to broadcast it - that's how I first heard it.

Failing that, the next best thing is to read

The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The Original Radio Scripts

by

DOUGLAS ADAMS

Edited, and with an Introduction

by Geoffrey Perkins

(who produced it)

With another introduction by

Douglas Adams,

Largely contradicting the one

by

GEOFFREY PERKINS.

Published by Pan Books, London & Sydney, 1985
ISBN 0-330-29288-9

My two parodies of tLotR in tHHGttG style can be found on this forum in Middle-Earth Discussions > Books > If LotR had been written by someone else!? at the top of page 2 and near the bottom of page 3.

Oh, yeah, it's spelled Slartibartfast.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The hitchhikers guide to Middle earth has this to say on the subject of Ea;

"Ea", it says, "is mind bogglingly huge. There is a theory that states that if ever any one discovers just what it is and what it is for, the whole of Ea will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more confusing. There is a second theory that states that this has already happened. There is a third theory that states that the pervious two theories were concocted by a wily young editor of the Hitchhikers guide to Middle earth in order to create more inter continental paranoia and uncertainty and so increase sales of the book.
The third is perhaps the most likely, as the hitchhikers guide is the only book in the whole of the known earth to have the words "vá caurë!" (or "Don't panic" in the common speech) written in large friendly letters on the cover."

[Maeggaladiel]

Sauron: One of the kindest, noblest creatures on the face of Middle Earth. All claims of past evilness are pure fabrication. Plus he paid me five bucks to say that.

Denethor: MOSTLY Harmless, except when around
a) food
b) open flames
c) Meela
d) Faramir
e) meddling wizards
f) ancestors if Isildur
g) hitchhikers
h) any combination of the above
NOTE- small bumbling hobbits are sometimes tolerated.

[Hilde Bracegirdle]

Fangorn Forest - Site of the famed Entmoot 2005 during which the head of the anthropology department at The Megalon University for Slowly and Painstakingly Discovering the Surprisingly Obvious presented what was later described by observers as a hastily drawn conclusion that all theories regarding the actual description of Balrog wings were rather shadowy. In fact the esteemed speaker went so far as to say that given the weighty nature of the debate, in general it would seem doubtful if any theory at all would fly, even if the aforesaid theory had wings.

In an aside, Professor Twotoes mentioned he had given up his research on the true shape of elf ears, finding the task pointless. And when questioned regarding his opinion on the exact location of the fabled Entwives, Twotoes commented dryly that the location of the Entwives had become a moot point since the discovery of the beautiful walking treeoids of the planet Sequian.

Twotoes stepped down from his post immediately after his return amid clamors that he best be sent to Sequian before decides what is beautiful and what is not, and now spends his time in relative seclusion as chief researcher of super intelligent shades of blue.

[Hilde Bracegirdle]

If you can find it, LISTEN to the recording (well, actually the re-recording) of the ORIGINAL RADIO PLAY. ~Lostgaeriel

Agreed, it looses a little when you can't hear Marvin's tone of voice or the Pink Floyd music.

[THE Ka]

Rivendell: A nice villa-type setting with adorable trees. Has a wonderful outview of nearby streams, forest and those Mostly Misty Mountains. Be sure to bring your TV guide and catch the latest Soap between some of the Dell's most heated family debates. If you find yourself alittle nosy, be prepared to face the rath of a PMSing Father dealing with a persistent son-in-law and one heck of a mopey daughter. Avoid councils madeup of a bunch of anal retentive elves and dwarves...


Bree: A small 'out-law' type setting with all the strings attached. Known for its wonderful Inns, Forgetful bartenders, and 'shady' guests... Midnight strolls are not advisable for the unequiped.

Ponies: Wonderfully useful creatures until you reach Mines... Then they can just get in the way with of their needs... Known to not be known to find their way home...

[Fingolfin II]

Name: Dis.

D.O.B.: 2760 TA.

Race: Dwarf.

Gender: Female.

Distinguishing features: See entry under Gimli.

Biography: Mother of Fili and Kili. Husband- unknown. Life- unknown. Date of death- also unknown.

[Assasin]

Frodo: A short hairy footed hobbit, who is taller than most hobbits, but as you'll find is much shorter than you could ever hope to be. He also enjoys hanging out with a bunch of weirdos who hate each other, likes old guys, and enjoys talking about strawberries and cream in life threatening situations.

[Eowyn Wenhamir]

To the Walls of Moria, there is a question, to the answer. A theory says that once the answer to the question of the Walls of Moria is found, that the Walls will cease to exist. Another theory states that this has already happened.

Yet another theory states that this has happened several times, but the next time has not happened yet simply because Gandalf the Grey has forgotten the Question and therefore cannot solve the Answer.

[Lathriel]

And in this case the answer to life and everything is not 42 but 53.

Aragorn:A guy who denies his birthright and who is always dirty. He takes great care to avoid baths but Legolas is always threatening Aragorn with his shampoo kit.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Sauron:

Sauron, the infinitely evil, is a mair with a purpose. Not a very good purpose, as he would be the first to admit. But at least it keeps him busy, keeps him on the move. Sauron is of that rear breed of evil beings. Those who are born evil instantly know how to deal with it. Sauron, however, was not one of them and has come to hate them, the 'load of malicious b*****ds'. He had his evilness inadvertently thrust upon him by an unfortunate accident involving an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch, two rubber bands and a man called Melkor.

The precise details of this experiment are unimportant as no one has been able to correctly duplicate the exact circumstances under which they happened them. Although many have ended up looking very silly or dead (or in most cases both) trying to.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Orcish poetry is in fact only the third worst in Middle-earth, the second being that of the Fairbairns of the Towers. During a recitation by their poet master, Flumbo the Corpulent, of his poem Ode to a small piece of green putty I found in my pipeweed one midsummer morning, seven of the audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Middle-earth Arts Nobbling Council survived only by gnawing his own leg off. Flumbo was said to be 'disappointed' with the poem's reception, and was about to embark on his twelve-book epic My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles, when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilisation, leapt straight up his neck and throttled his brain.

The worst poetry in Middle-earth died with its creator: Vogonwë Brownbark of the Minus Teeth Gazette, in a bizarre calligraphy accident.

With sincere apologies to the late Douglas Adams, the later J.R.R. Tolkien, the unlate Diamond18, the staff of the OED and all writers of English, living or dead.

[Oddwen]

Elrond's Guestbook:
Mostly Harmless

[edit]
Know what, scratch that. Make it

Elrond's Guestbook:
Mostly Off-Topic

[/edit]

[Hookbill the Goomba]

In an intently expanding universe, for example the one elves live in, there is a high probability that everything will grow somewhere. In the mysterious seas of Mordor there grow the orc fruit tree. The life cycle of an orc fruit is interesting, although not very interesting. Once picked, it needs a dark hole to climb into and there to lie until Sauron (or someone else) calls them to some over zealous ballet with thousands of other Orcs. They are then slaughtered against unthinkable odds and are then left for dead. No one is quite sure what orcs are meant to gain from their existence. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is presumably working on it.

Evil:

See Melkor.

Melkor:

See Evil.

[InklingElf]

I was well into clicking the link to this thread before I even realized the highlighted HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO - then I saw middle earth.

I feel like an Arthur Dent

A Gollum (Thingy Majigy):slightly dangerous, slightly evil, slightly pitiful, slightly ugly, slightly slimy. like fish: fresh and wriggly. avoid riddles or bright circular things that fit around finger.

[Glirdan]

I've noticed how you all failed to mention the following two things:

Lothlorien: Huge, beautiful forest. Inhabited by Elves who don't really like Dwarves (that is untill Gimli came along). Ruled by Celeborn and Galadriel(who holds one of the three Elven rings of Power, Nenya). Arwen later went there to live out the rest of her days after Aragorn passed on.

and also:

Helms Deep: Place of great sorrow. The main battle for Rohan against all the forces of Isengard took place here. The Glittering Caves are located here and Gimli came back with Dwarves from The Lonely Mountain to do a bit of digging for ores and other minerals.

If anyone has anything else to add to this, go right ahead.

Glirdy

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Ah, yes. Lothlorien. The future location of the Restaurant at the End of the Middlearth. Also the home of a very crabby creature called Haldir, who has been killed by an Uruk-Hai called Denrthur at least seventy times, but has been strangely reincarnated all of those times. "Oh, orc filth! I've brought you here too soon! Staff of Gandalf Beta!" he was heard to cry as the same orc slaughtered him for the fifty-sixth time at Helm's Deep. For Lothlorien, see also Rivendell, Mirkwood, and Mordor. For Haldir, see also Helm's Deep, Vietnam War, and Faramir, son of Peregrin Took.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<<C'est n'est pas le vin!>> dit le Persan dans une voix basse. <<C'est le poudre, Raoul!>>
<<Erik va sauter l'Opera!>> crie Raoul.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Excerpt from The Hitchhiker's guide to Middle Earth, Page 634784, section 5a. Entry: Eregion

Back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the Eldar, life was wild, rich and mostly tax-free.

Mighty companies plied their way between exotic forests and mountains, seeking adventure and reward amongst the furthest reaches of Middle Earth. In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Eriador were real small fury creatures from Eriador. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds and to boldly split infinities that none had split before.

Many Eldar, of course, became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because in those days no one was really poor- at least, no one worth speaking of. And for the richest and most successful merchants, life became very dull and niggly, and they began to imagine that this was therefore the fault of the land they had settled in- none of it was entirely satisfactory: either the climate wasn't quite right in the later part of the afternoon, the day was half an hour too long or the orcs were just the wrong shade of pink.

And thus were created the conditions for a staggering new form of industry: magic ring forging. The home of this industry was Eregion where massively wise elves (and one particular Maiar) made tremendously powerful magic rings that would give the wearers power over most of their problems.

But, so successful was this venture, that Eregion itself became the richest area in all of what remains of history and so the system broke down and the empire collapsed, and a long sullen silence settle over a billion starving worlds, disturbed only by the pen scratching of scholars as they laboured into the night over smug little treaties on the value of a planned political economy.

Eregion itself disappeared and its memory soon passed into the obscurity of legend.

In these enlightened days, of course, no one believes a word of it and it is considered a load of old dingo’s kidneys.

[Shelob]

The menu for the Restaurant at the End of the Middleearth quotes, by permission, a paage from The Hitchhiker's Guide to Middleearth. The Pasage is this:

The history of almost every major Middle Earth Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiery and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
For Instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, "How can we eat?", the second by the question, "Why do we eat?", and teh third by the question, "Where shall we have lunch?"
The lone exception to these three stages is the Hobbit Civilization, which lept straight from the How phase to the previously unrecorded What stage. This fourth stage is best characterized by the question "What about breakfast?"

[Glirdan]

That's very interesting Shelob, but you forgot the elvensies and tea, and 2nd beakfast for the Shire. O well, can't have everything in life now can we?

Glirdy

[Shelob]

almost put them in...then decided it was overkill...so instead I'll point you to this notice in the guide: "The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate."

[Glirdan]

O, ok then, that answers my question.

Glirdy

[Eowyn Wenhamir]

Isengard: Nazgul riders patrolling over this area were reported to have seen naked humans flying around, and performing acts which were formerly thought to be impossible in midair. One elderly Ringwraith from Mordor was very cheered by this sight. See also Aragorn Dunedain and Arwen Evenstar.