Let's not cast the Silmarillion - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Nerwen · 06-26-2008, 01:06 AM

So. We've all seen the "Let's Cast The Silmarillion" thread over in the Movies section?

As an antidote to this blind faith in Hollywood, here's your chance to nominate the NIGHTMARE Silmarillion cast!

Rules:

The nominee need not be untalented per se, just someone who would, in that particular role, turn the film into a hideous travesty that would be mocked on geeky websites for decades to come. (Straight-out terrible actors are also very welcome.)

The nominee must be somebody who could, at least conceivably, be given the part. (i.e. no Will Smith as Idril.)

You may, briefly, explain just why you feel the artist in question would be so (un)suitable for the role.

Director: Either Quentin Tarantino or Spike Lee. (Nominated by Morthoron.)

Lush · 06-26-2008, 02:19 AM

Director: Uwe Boll. To cover all the lands in a second darkness.

Nerwen · 06-26-2008, 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lush

Director: Uwe Boll. To cover all the lands in a second darkness.

Definitely worth considering.

Now the actors.

I think the number one question here is– what role should we give Keanu Reeves? He'd bring a special something to almost any part– but which would make the best use of his unique "talent"?

Nerwen · 06-26-2008, 03:08 AM

Beleg Cúthalion: Orlando Bloom, reprising his role as Legolas. It'll keep the fangurls happy. Well, until he kicks the bucket, anyway.

Hookbill the Goomba · 06-26-2008, 03:58 AM

Turin - Tom Baker (He's far too jolly for such a role) Although I would like to see him proposing to Niënor by saying, "Would you like a Jelly Baby?"

Mim - Christopher Eccleston (a Northern Dwarf would be funny, though)

Morgoth - Sylvester McCoy (I just can't imagine Morgoth with a Scottish accent. Again, he's far too jolly for the role)

Feanor - Patric Troughton (Erm... Let's pretend he's not dead. He was always hyper active, happy and dressed like a tramp. However, he could play an angry character and had spells of Feanor-type arrogance "You'll regret it if you kill me! I'm a genius!")

Glaurung (voice) - John Pertwee (As much as I would LOVE to head a Dragon speak so politely and like an English Gentleman, I suspect it would distract from the character's desired effect)

Beren - Anthony Ainley (Although, at his peak, he was a talented and diverse actor (the Master's many disguises being a good example), this is one role I don't think he'd suit. Although, the scene with Carcharoth may be amusing, "I have a Silmarill! I am Beren and YOU WILL OBEY ME!")

Elwing - Elisabeth Sladen (I some how can't see her turning into a bird so readily

)

That's all I can think of right now...

Rune Son of Bjarne · 06-26-2008, 04:15 AM

Thingol - Robert De Niro (Like in stardust he would be totaly misplaced, without it being his own fault. The acting would probably be good, but somehow unintentionally funny)

Gothmog - Sean Connery (Imagine Sean Connery cloacked in smoke and fire, wielding a whip. . . .simply too Indiana Jonesish)

Nerwen · 06-26-2008, 04:40 AM

I think I've answered my own question.

Beren: Keanu Reeves.

Sample dialogue:

Keanu Reeves (typical wooden delivery): Here is a fire that shall consume you, and all evil things.

CGI Carcharoth: Chomp.

Keanu (gazing at stump of right hand): Whoa.

Not to mention the depth of feeling he'd bring to the scenes with Lúthien...

Mithalwen · 06-26-2008, 06:39 AM

Only problem is that I hate Beren and Luthien so much that I really think Keanu would be perfect .... with some irritating and stupid brunette as the canary....

Rune Son of Bjarne · 06-26-2008, 06:54 AM

Maybe Keanu should play Maedhros instead?

doug*platypus · 07-16-2008, 03:23 AM

Ben Stiller as Manwë. That way, instead of the War of Wrath, he could just give Morgoth a blast of "blue steel".

Lucy Lawless (Xena) as Melian.

Thinlómien · 07-16-2008, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doug*platypus

Lucy Lawless (Xena) as Melian.

Wouldn't Haleth be even worse?

***Thenamir*** · 07-17-2008, 02:45 PM

Gotta be a part for Joaquin Phoenix in there somewhere...

Also, in my opinion worse than Connery, Gilbert Gottfried has got to be the very worst possible voice for a mega-dragon. (For those that don't know, the voice is that of the parrot Iago in the Disney-animated Aladdin movies, among many other voice credits.)

Oddwen · 11-17-2008, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lalaith

Here is my Nightmare on Middle Earth Sil cast list:
Nicholas Cage as Feanor.

And best of all, they could save a ton of money by just re-using this for Feanor's final moments.

06-26-2008, 01:06 AM	#1
Nerwen Wisest of the Noldor Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: ˙˙˙ssɐןƃ ƃuıʞooן ǝɥʇ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ Posts: 6,694	Let's not cast the Silmarillion So. We've all seen the "Let's Cast The Silmarillion" thread over in the Movies section? As an antidote to this blind faith in Hollywood, here's your chance to nominate the NIGHTMARE Silmarillion cast! Rules: The nominee need not be untalented per se, just someone who would, in that particular role, turn the film into a hideous travesty that would be mocked on geeky websites for decades to come. (Straight-out terrible actors are also very welcome.) The nominee must be somebody who could, at least conceivably, be given the part. (i.e. no Will Smith as Idril.) You may, briefly, explain just why you feel the artist in question would be so (un)suitable for the role. Director: Either Quentin Tarantino or Spike Lee. (Nominated by Morthoron.) __________________ "Even Nerwen wasn't evil in the beginning." –Elmo. Last edited by Nerwen; 06-26-2008 at 01:07 AM. Reason: adding stuff

06-26-2008, 02:19 AM	#2
Lush Fair and Cold Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: the big onion Posts: 1,770	Director: Uwe Boll. To cover all the lands in a second darkness. __________________ ~The beginning is the word and the end is silence. And in between are all the stories. This is one of mine~

06-26-2008, 03:08 AM	#4
Nerwen Wisest of the Noldor Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: ˙˙˙ssɐןƃ ƃuıʞooן ǝɥʇ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ Posts: 6,694	Beleg Cúthalion: Orlando Bloom, reprising his role as Legolas. It'll keep the fangurls happy. Well, until he kicks the bucket, anyway. __________________ "Even Nerwen wasn't evil in the beginning." –Elmo.

06-26-2008, 03:58 AM	#5
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	A Doctor Who theme... Turin - Tom Baker (He's far too jolly for such a role) Although I would like to see him proposing to Niënor by saying, "Would you like a Jelly Baby?" Mim - Christopher Eccleston (a Northern Dwarf would be funny, though) Morgoth - Sylvester McCoy (I just can't imagine Morgoth with a Scottish accent. Again, he's far too jolly for the role) Feanor - Patric Troughton (Erm... Let's pretend he's not dead. He was always hyper active, happy and dressed like a tramp. However, he could play an angry character and had spells of Feanor-type arrogance "You'll regret it if you kill me! I'm a genius!") Glaurung (voice) - John Pertwee (As much as I would LOVE to head a Dragon speak so politely and like an English Gentleman, I suspect it would distract from the character's desired effect) Beren - Anthony Ainley (Although, at his peak, he was a talented and diverse actor (the Master's many disguises being a good example), this is one role I don't think he'd suit. Although, the scene with Carcharoth may be amusing, "I have a Silmarill! I am Beren and YOU WILL OBEY ME!") Elwing - Elisabeth Sladen (I some how can't see her turning into a bird so readily ) That's all I can think of right now... __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

06-26-2008, 04:40 AM	#7
Nerwen Wisest of the Noldor Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: ˙˙˙ssɐןƃ ƃuıʞooן ǝɥʇ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ Posts: 6,694	I think I've answered my own question. Beren: Keanu Reeves. Sample dialogue: Keanu Reeves (typical wooden delivery): Here is a fire that shall consume you, and all evil things. CGI Carcharoth: Chomp. Keanu (gazing at stump of right hand): Whoa. Not to mention the depth of feeling he'd bring to the scenes with Lúthien... __________________ "Even Nerwen wasn't evil in the beginning." –Elmo. Last edited by Nerwen; 06-26-2008 at 04:49 AM.

06-26-2008, 06:39 AM	#8
Mithalwen Pilgrim Soul Join Date: May 2004 Location: watching the wonga-wonga birds circle... Posts: 9,449	Only problem is that I hate Beren and Luthien so much that I really think Keanu would be perfect .... with some irritating and stupid brunette as the canary.... __________________ “But Finrod walks with Finarfin his father beneath the trees in Eldamar.” Christopher Tolkien, Requiescat in pace

07-16-2008, 03:23 AM	#10
doug*platypus Delver in the Deep Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Aotearoa Posts: 960	Ben Stiller as Manwë. That way, instead of the War of Wrath, he could just give Morgoth a blast of "blue steel". Lucy Lawless (Xena) as Melian. __________________ But Gwindor answered: 'The doom lies in yourself, not in your name'.

07-17-2008, 02:45 PM	#12
*Thenamir* Spectre of Capitalism Join Date: May 2001 Location: Battling evil bureaucrats at Zeta Aquilae Posts: 985	Gotta be a part for Joaquin Phoenix in there somewhere... Also, in my opinion worse than Connery, Gilbert Gottfried has got to be the very worst possible voice for a mega-dragon. (For those that don't know, the voice is that of the parrot Iago in the Disney-animated Aladdin movies, among many other voice credits.) __________________ The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. ~~ Marcus Aurelius