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Visit The *EVEN NEWER* Barrow-Downs Photo Page |
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03-12-2005, 04:03 PM
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#1 |
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Maniacal Mage
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Setting sail for Umbar, with Firefoot at my side!
Posts: 3,314
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Middle Earth Tech Support
If there was a Middle Earth Tech Support, who would call, and what would they call for?
Example: Legolas: Yeah, I'm hear about this quiver I bought... Tech Support: What's wrong with it? Legolas: I was promissed that this quiver have an infinite amount of arrows that could never run out, but I just ran out. Tech Support: Has this happened before? Legolas: No Tech Support: Hold Please... ~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~ Tech Support: Does the auto shoot feature work?Legolas: Yeah, that's working just fine. It's why I always beat the dwarf! Tech Support: Hold Please... ~*~ Yet Another Ten Hours Later ~*~ Tech Support: Is the quiver switch set on infinite?Legolas: Let me check...um...hmm...oh. Silly me, I had it set on finite. Tech Support: Does that solve your problem? Legolas: Let me test it! *Fires infinite amount of arrows* Yeah, it works! Tech Support: We're glad we could help. Please call again... *Legolas hangs up* ...after I quit this job! And there ya go. Stuff of that nature.
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.' |
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03-12-2005, 06:07 PM
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#2 |
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Ghost Prince of Cardolan
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: As with the flygja
Posts: 1,522
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Ha! Then next he'd call in about his hair dryer not having a "set to stun" button...
Here's one that would be very common... S=Sauron, T=Tech support S: *Shakes palantir GRRR! this is absolutely stupid! AOL (A.k.a. Arda OnLine)worked just hours ago! That's it! Time to threaten Tech support! T: (In strange accent) Hello, my name is Lugo with Tech Support. If you have a question about our excellent line of online and internet brouser packages, dial one. If you have have a problem with our IM and or, related media, press two. If you would like to hear comments from customers on their experiences with our product, press three. If you would like to hear an orc sing in tenor, press four. If you think i'm drop dead hansome, press five. S: *Presses two. ***Music ques in for about five minutes... Along with some guy telling how great he is... T: You have told us that you have a problem with IM or, related media, if this is true, press 2 again. S: *presses two T: You have specified that you do, have a problem with IM and or, related media. Would you like to hear our tech support line in English or Spanish? (Alturnate click and it switches over) Usted ha especificado que usted hace, tienen un problema con IM y o, relacionado medios. ¿Quisiera usted oír nuestra línea de apoyo de tecnología en inglés o español? S: What's Spanish? Oh well, "English" T: i'm sorry, could you repeat that? S: 'English' T: I'm sorry, I can't understand you... Please wait while we re-direct you. S: *The tapping of fingers on a table... T: You have specified that you do, have a problem with IM and or, related media. Would you like to hear our tech support line in English or Pig Latin? (Alturnate click and it switches over) Ouyay avehay ecifiedspay atthay ouyay oday, avehay away oblempray ithway IMWAY andway orway, elatedray ediamay. Ouldway ouyay ikelay otay earhay ourway echtay upportsay inelay inway Englishway orway Igpay Atinlay? S: What happened to spanish? T: I'm sorry, I could not understand you. Please try again. S: GAHHH! Your running my patience very low! Now redirect me to English! T: Are you sure? S: Yes, yes i'm sure... T: Really? S: Yes, really... T: Really, really? S: Yes! I'm very sure! T: I don't believe you... S: YOU WILL REDIRECT ME TO ENGLISH ON THE TECH SUPPORT LINE, OR I WILL TAKE YOUR INTESTINES AND STRING YOU UP BY THEIR GREASEY VINES OF TERROR! T: Okay, okay... Quick! How many fingers am I holding up! S: *SLAM!!! The phone brakes.... Ah! I!... I need asprin... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eh. That was lame. As usual... ~Ka
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Vinur, vinur skilur tú meg? Veitst tú ongan loyniveg? Hevur tú reikað líka sum eg, í endaleysu tokuni? |
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03-12-2005, 06:14 PM
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#3 |
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Maniacal Mage
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Setting sail for Umbar, with Firefoot at my side!
Posts: 3,314
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Nice. Here's another:
Sauron: Tech Support? TS: Yes, how can we *whisper* not *whisper* help you? Sauron: Yes, well i was playing around in my yard a couple of days ago, and this guy stole my ring. TS: Stole your ring? Sauron: Yeah, he cut my finger off and took it! I was...um...I was wondering if I could have another? TS: I'll have to ask my supervisor ~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~ Do you have your recipt? Sauron: I think so. Let me check... ~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~ Um...I don't have the receipt for the ring, but I have a recipt for another item I purchased the same day, will that work? TS: Hold please... ~*~ Ten Hours Later ~*~ No, it won't Sauron: Well...don't you have some kind of theft policy? TS: No. We'd have to actually care about the customer in order to have that Sauron: Well? TS: Well what? Sauron: Do you? TS: Do I what? Sauron: Care? TS: About what? Sauron: The customer? TS: No Sauron: That's it! I'm going to target!
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fëanor, and there he slew Finwë King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finwë alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.' |
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03-12-2005, 06:34 PM
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#4 |
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Wight
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Behind you, counting to 3
Posts: 234
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Túrin wants his sword fixed.
...a bit morbid and off color perhaps. Hope it's ok.
Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: Hello? ~ Static ~ Túrin: Hello? Tech Support #1: Yes, can you I help? Call will being monitored for your safety and satisfaction. Túrin: Um, I'm having some issues with my sword. Tech Support #1: We not be making spear. Please hold for transfer. Túrin: !? ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #2: Hello? Túrin: Yes, I'm having some issues with my sword. Tech Support #2: This is Nogrod Crafts and Craftsman, we specialize in jewels. Do you have any jewels? Túrin: I was transferred here by your associates. I need help with my sword. Tech Support #2: If you don't have jewels, we don't want your business. Sword manufacturing has been outsourced to Gondolin. Good day. Túrin: Wai- Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: Fix my sword. Tech Support #1: Yes, we making sword. Also making very strong medicine. What is problem with you? Túrin: I'm fine, my sword is the problem. Tech Support #1: How fine when sound so angry? Please hold for supervisor. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Supervisor: Hello? Tech supervisor speaking. How can I help you? Túrin: I need some answers about my sword. Tech Supervisor: Please describe the problem. Túrin: I feel some malice lies deep within it. Or maybe I just still feel guilty for killing my friend with it, I'm not sure really. Tech Supervisor: I can transfer you to our sister service, Morwen Counseling, Inc. if you would like... Túrin: No! Wait, please. I'm convinced that it speaks to me. Tech Supervisor: It speaks? Really? I've always wanted one of those but they were always a customer only product. Túrin: I don't like that feature. How do I turn it off? Tech Supervisor: I don't know. There's nothing about that on the screen here in front of me. Túrin: You're using a screen? Tech Supervisor: Swords 1.0. The boss doesn't want to pay the license for 1.5. Túrin: I hate you. I want to return the sword. Now. Tech Supervisor: Please hold. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes. Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #3: Having problem? Let me transfer you to customer service. Túrin: ! ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #1: Will be transferring. Please hold. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes. Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #3: Shipping address for you? Túrin: Doriath Tech Support #3: Dorthonion no good, address only, no Postal Office boxes. Túrin: No, Doriath. One more mistake and you're on my list of tragically deceased associates. Tech Support #3: So sorry, please to be speaking more calmly and slowly. Model name please. Túrin: Gurthang. Tech Support #3: Very nice model. Not many available. Túrin: I want mine replaced. Tech Support #3: When replacing, will be sending special offer. Only 19.95. Will enjoy. Túrin: I just want the sword replaced. Tech Support #3: What about offer #2, two payments of 9.99? Túrin: No, just the sword. Tech Support #3: Very well, will be sending special offer after you be receiving us sword. Túrin: I don't understand. So will the sword be replaced? Tech Support #3: Sword being replaced after you complete special offer. Túrin: Special offer? Goodbye. I'm coming to kill you and eat your children alive while I dance on your corpse. Tech Support #3: Thank me for you calling. Please be having wonderful day and call anytime we make you problem.
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"Dic, hospes, Spartae, nos te hic vidisse iacentes dum sanctis patriae legibus obsequimur." |
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03-12-2005, 08:31 PM
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#5 |
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Haunted Halfling
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: an uncounted length of steps--floating between air molecules
Posts: 844
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Wrong model...
TS: Hello, Eregion Fine Jewelry Customer Service...(drones on..)
Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I specifically asked for the NON-EVIL model. TS: (still droning)...This branch is no longer in service; please refer all complaints to the Orodruin Center. Thank you for your business, and farewell until the world is changed. Frodo: (angrily slams phone down) I only just GOT this ring! How can the manufacturer be out of business? (dials Orodruin Center) TS: Orodruin Customer Service, Snaga speaking, how I help? Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I ordered a non-evil variety, you know, party tricks, disappear, pick your friends' pockets...and I got this nasty staring Big Red Eye and Wraith Attractant version. I want to exchange it for the right model! TS: Uh...only one ring...to rule them all...One Ring. Frodo: (fuming). How can there be only ONE ring? How do you guys stay in business? TS: One Ring...get boss. (on hold...sounds of screaming and torture overlaid by strains of the Carpenters) TS: Boss say bring ring in to shop. He fix. Frodo: Where's your nearest branch to Hobbiton? TS: Bring ring to Barad-Dur. He fix. Frodo: How far is your shop? TS: 1784 miles Frodo: Can't you send someone? TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name? Frodo: Shire. Baggins. (knocks self in head) thinking: I don't think I should have said that!  Cheers! Lyta
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“…she laid herself to rest upon Cerin Amroth; and there is her green grave, until the world is changed, and all the days of her life are utterly forgotten by men that come after, and elanor and niphredil bloom no more east of the Sea.” |
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03-15-2005, 06:07 PM
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#6 | |
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Ghost Prince of Cardolan
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Where young people go to retire
Posts: 729
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Random Titles with Tech Support!
Quote:
 Here's my somewhat lame contribution: *Sauron 'picks up phone reciever' and dials Elven Contact Lenses Tech Support* TS: Hello, If you'd like a refund or replacement for your product: press 1. If you'd like an autograph from our official spokesperson/ contact lense model (Legolas):Press 2. If you need counseling from one of our professional therapists: Press 3. To enter to win a free trip to the Grey Havens, press 4 now. *Sauron presses 1* TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya *Sauron Presses 1, thinking to himself 'What about Black Speech? Have I not conquered the property of this company already?' TS: Transfering Call *Pleasant Elven Voices sing elevator music* TS: You have a problem with our product? Sauron: Yes, my contact lense melted. It says on the label that it will magically cool off any burning sensations or dry eye. TS: Do you have burning sensations or burning flames coming from your eye? Sauron: Well...I guess my eye is on fire, TS: We're sorry, but our contact lenses are designed for burning sensations only. Please Hang up now. *Sauron slams the reciever down as it catches on fire, and the voice on the other line screams in terror* Edit: Apologies for my misguided errors before, I don't have copies of the books, so sometimes I forget these things.
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"So why the safe distance, this curious look? Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book? Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar? MeWithoutYou http://fortyfifthparadox.com Last edited by Morai; 03-16-2005 at 07:45 PM. Reason: Rather Large Details |
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03-16-2005, 05:47 AM
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#7 | |
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Wight
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Cardiff during term time/Leicester in the holl's
Posts: 130
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Quote:
Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!
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Ú cilith ‘war. Ú men ‘war. Boe min mebi. Boe min bango. |
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03-16-2005, 11:30 AM
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#8 | |
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Dead Serious
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Perched on Thangorodrim's towers.
Posts: 3,317
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Quote:
But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers. It should be replaced with Black Speech, the real lingua franca of middle-earth. Spoken from Gundabad to Harad, from Moria to Rhun. Knowledge of Black Speech is a must for any fast-rising minion of Mordor.
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I prefer history, true or feigned.
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Hybrid Mode
