The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Hookbill the Goomba]

As Lal and Alien investigate the mysterious oats, they have no idea what kinds of things are living in the sewers... Mostly rats.



Hope you're all enjoying this volume. If you're wondering, this volume will be 100 episodes long. Volume 3, on the other hand, is probably going to be much longer. And Volume 4! Goodness me! I have no idea.
Basically, as we approach episode 50, we reach the first climax of the serise. From there it builds and builds until the shocking ending of episode 100. And, I hope you find the finale VERY surprising.

[Laurinquë]

Ah, the nice lovely non sequiturs Alien throws out!

[Lalwendë]

Curses! I cannot give rep to the Super Hat!

By the way, is it a trilby?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

Curses! I cannot give rep to the Super Hat!

By the way, is it a trilby?

Yes, a very badly drawn trilby.
Do keep the hat factory in mind. Although, I will point out that its relevance won't pay off until Volume 4, I'm afraid.

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Yes, a very badly drawn trilby.
Do keep the hat factory in mind. Although, I will point out that its relevance won't pay off until Volume 4, I'm afraid.

You are turning into Alan Moore with all these tricksy references that don't play out until much later on.

[Mithalwen]

*choking to death*

Phantom, you poor deluded soul. But I do adore you utterly apart from the anti-cat thing, your only flaw which you seem to be correcting...

[alatar]

What Balderdash! The new issue has me scratching my head in amazement over where they get their writers. One can only assume that the recent Barrow Downs Newspaper article was written about some other alatar, as it surely wasn't this nick. Two items from the article clearly indicate that the writer was either (1) writing about some other nit-cradling carrier of Pediculus humanus capitis, or (2) making up the entire story from whole (infested) clothe.

• Item 1 - "...he <alatar> is a 'Well respected Man about town.'" As if! The town folk consider me to be a nuisance, and if it weren't for the moat, I'd have already felt the pinch of pitchforks by the light of torches. However, I respected myself, and were to travel about the town...but that couldn't be it.

• Item 2 - "Friends of alatar..." Are there any left, and those not in hiding surely wouldn't want the gleam of press coverage?

Bah!

[Groin Redbeard]

Wait a minute, I just noticed something: Alien has invisible hands!

A hat factory? Does this mean that they can manufacture those Indiana Jones fedora's to all the Downers? I believe you did an article on that a while back.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Groin Redbeard

Wait a minute, I just noticed something: Alien has invisible hands!

This was established many, MANY years ago. I thought everyone knew...

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Originally Posted by Groin Redbeard

Wait a minute, I just noticed something: Alien has invisible hands!

A hat factory? Does this mean that they can manufacture those Indiana Jones fedora's to all the Downers? I believe you did an article on that a while back.

Yes, he did.
I can't believe that you didn't know that Alien had invisible hands! Groin, you pay less attention than I do!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Grab your hats, eat your soup and climb the ladders! It's time for the News! The phantom's work has, once again, saved me tearing my hair out. Let us give him cakes of many kinds.



This week, The Phantom finds that the plot is a bit like a burnt dog; unusual, useless and it smells a bit.



Comic Archive

So far I've received one entry for the P&A contest. I will post it up on the website at the end of the month. I'll let you all see the entries and then I'll set up a pole for you to vote on which one should win. The winner will get the next five episodes of P&A and a special picture from Volume 3!
I did consider giving away a P&A T-Shirt (I found a website that let me make them), but wasn't sure the mods would be comfortable with it. To be honest, I wasn't. I'm no sell out! Not yet, anyway...

...

Buy Pepsi!

...

Ignore that.

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

To the person and/or persons dubiously titled 'Editor' and/or 'Editorial Staff':

It is rare that I appear on these pages as myself. I usually write op/ed pieces as some lunatic persona with a clever pseudonym lampooning a tabloid that in itself is a satire of any number of exploitative rags disregarding truth and ethics in the wacky world of the prurient press; however, your front-page blurb 'Phantom Criticized For Mithalwen Article' has gone beyond the pale (and beyond pale in a BD sense is quite ashen). To say that I have been misquoted is an understatement. Let's break down the statements you purport to be mine, as opposed to what I actually said:

First, you claim I said, "What he's doing is an insult to true journalism."

Yet, what I actually stated is as follows (with your out-of-context edits in bold, underlined print):

What an extraordinary article by The Phantom! He's offered a brief but poignant biography of Mithalwen, doing so in an unbiased and colorful manner. It is an undeniable treat to have read such an offering from a newspaper that usually stoops to insult and innuendo. I am gratified to heap honors upon Phantom, and the steps The Downer is making to become the epitome of true journalism.

And then to make matters worse, you claim I said, "A newspaper is supposed to be used for the purpose of reporting, not winking at your friends."

Again, my actual statement, which concerned my new puppy and had nothing to do with the article at all, is as follows (with your out-of-context edits in bold, underlined print):

In house-breaking a puppy, I find soiled newspaper (from the area within the house where the dog is supposed to be paper-trained) is excellent for the purpose of guiding the puppy to doing his duty out-of-doors (if anyone else is involved in training of the puppy, make sure he or she is reporting the progress of the pup -- consistency is important!). When the puppy is ready to advance from paper-training, just take the soiled newspaper outside to a specified area and place the puppy adjacent to the paper, and the scent usually does the rest. But be warned: house-breaking is a serious business, and should not be taken lightheartedly with much winking and nodding. Dogs, even immature puppies, look at your behavior and behave in lke manner. You must be a dog's master before you can be friends.

I find the inept and libelous methods with which you manage to warp the truth to be mind-bogglingly addled, and, truth to tell, utterly unnecessary, particularly since I insult your paper on a regular basis without any need for redaction, blue penciling, deletions, insertions, abridging, abbreviating or edits of any sort.

Sincerely,
Morthoron the Dark Elf
Nan Elmoth, Doriath

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Concerned as I am for the welfare of Downs members, I have thought of a solution that could help Greenie to achieve her usual colour: if we find someone with jaundice to infect her, the combination of yellow with her blues ought to bring the desired results.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

To the person and/or persons dubiously titled 'Editor' and/or 'Editorial Staff':

...

Sincerely,
Morthoron the Dark Elf
Nan Elmoth, Doriath

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the first person we have done this to? Indeed, there is a helpline and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details.

Yours,
The Bed Eater

[Morai]

In house-breaking a puppy, I find soiled newspaper (from the area within the house where the dog is supposed to be paper-trained) is excellent for the purpose of guiding the puppy to doing his duty out-of-doors (if anyone else is involved in training of the puppy, make sure he or she is reporting the progress of the pup -- consistency is important!). When the puppy is ready to advance from paper-training, just take the soiled newspaper outside to a specified area and place the puppy adjacent to the paper, and the scent usually does the rest. But be warned: house-breaking is a serious business, and should not be taken lightheartedly with much winking and nodding. Dogs, even immature puppies, look at your behavior and behave in lke manner. You must be a dog's master before you can be friends.

Hm....perhaps the article was too long. That is some major "editing" though. I suppose it comes with the job title. The Editor simply outdid himself.

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

He he! This is all rubbish! This newspaper! I've really got nothing to say, but I liked it. Let's have another next week! PLEEASE!

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the first person we have done this to? Indeed, there is a helpline and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details.

Yours,
The Bed Eater

Of course, I hope you realise that the editors occasionally mess up and do this to the outgoing mail as well as the incoming...

Dear Morthoron,

Do you think you are the king of Gondor? Really sir, we must protest, as I have it on good authority that Legate of Amon Lanc has a claim to this title, and as the first person we have heard this from, his must be the superior claim in our eyes.

Since you are not the king of Gondor it is clear that you must be a hatter, and clearly on your way to insanity. What have we done to earn your ire? I assure you, we should really like to know this, in order to publish it. News is hard to come by, right? Indeed, there is talk of setting up a helpline for us and everything! Please Contact The Saucepan Man for more details about your irrational hatred, so that we can get a story of him chasing you off his lawn.

Yours,
The Best Mud Eater



Oh dear! It is too much fun messing with people's mail like this!

[Durelin]

To the Editorial Staff of The Downer periodical,

We of the Canine Protection and Unification Group would first like to say that we hope it is not to presumptuous to assume that an “editorial staff” does indeed exist for The Downer publication. We also apologize for any insult that may have been caused by our greeting if you are still posing as a “newspaper”, and thus a reliable source of news.

As for our purpose for writing, it has come to the CPUG’s attention that The Downer not only regularly displays but also promotes the oppression of animals, particularly our canine friends. In your most recent publication, you belittle the canis genus to the extreme. Whether or not a being smells or is burnt has nothing to do whatsoever with that being being a useful member of society deserving respect.

We are happy to see that you are taking steps in a good direction by allowing the voice of the equine minority to be heard, but it seems there is still a long way to go for our canine brothers and sisters.

We hope that in the future you will be more thoughtful in your treatment of man’s best friend. We also hope that you may begin on a program to recovery and redemption by picking up a copy of CPUG’s own publication, Canine Living. In this week’s edition, we specifically suggest the article “Doo on the Grass: It’s Good for the Environment and Okay for You”.

Respectfully,
The Canine Protection and Unification Group

[Hookbill the Goomba]

THE DOWNER EDITORIAL STAFF:



It makes all the decisions.

In response to the above criticisms;

Dead dogs are, according to our research, funnier than being shot through the lungs. So unless you wish to be shot through the lungs, kindly refrain from troubling Mr Stafferson with such complaints. He has a lot on his mind as his wife has just left him and his nine children have all become pencils.

Yours,
The Editorial Staff's assistant,
Sir Henry Rawlinson.

[Durelin]

Yay violence!™

[Lalwendë]

Dear Editor,

Has it ever struck you as deeply ironic that all these 'letters in green ink' you receive from friendly crackpots are actually written in green ink?

Yours

Maddus McMad of Madchester.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Lal and Alien continue to wonder why anyone would want to blow up Eomer's house... Well, Lal is wondering, Alien is just looking for more beans.


COMIC ARCHIVE

[Lalwendë]

Oh!!! I'm going to have to have therapy after being witness to that horrific murder!!!












*something for Barrow Downs Products to invest in, then....*

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

Oh!!! I'm going to have to have therapy after being witness to that horrific murder!!!

This scene will get a little more horrific next Thursday, I'm afraid.

[Groin Redbeard]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

This scene will get a little more horrific next Thursday, I'm afraid.

Yehaw for violence! I hope Morm survives, but I guess I'll have to wait until monday.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Groin Redbeard

Yehaw for violence! I hope Morm survives, but I guess I'll have to wait until monday.

You'll actually have to wait until Thursday to see what happens to Morm. On Monday we catch up with The Phantom and the Hoody Cloaky Group.

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

This scene will get a little more horrific next Thursday, I'm afraid.

Will I need to bring a mop? Or will I be better off with a jar of Kalms?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I LOVED the P and A!!!!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. I almost ESPLODED!!!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Without the phantom, you'd have to enjoy my hopeless attempts at humour. His hopeless attempts are much less time consuming...



As the adventures deepens, The Phantom wonders if all that digging was indeed necessary...


Comic Archive

I'm still accepting entries for the Phantom and Alien competition! So far I've received two... Come on, people! More are needed!

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

How long do we have to get them in, Hooky?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The deadline for the P&A contest is the 31st of October... So, Friday. As long as I get it before Saturday morning, I'll accept it.

[Laurinquë]

Is a joint effort allowed? TheGreatElvenWarrior and I are planning to put one together you see. She came up with the idea (being much more amusing than I) and I would draw it.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Laurinquë

Is a joint effort allowed? TheGreatElvenWarrior and I are planning to put one together you see. She came up with the idea (being much more amusing than I) and I would draw it.

I've no problem with that. Volume Three will probably be drawn by my brother, due mostly to the fact that the stor is too ambitious for my artistic skills.

[Thinlómien]

Greenie has agreed to be my partner in crime, so we will do our contest work together... Beware.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I could've predicted that that horrible photo would turn up in the Downer. The photographer (we're not mentioning names, are we, Hookbill? ) told me that he wanted a picture of the paper and that I wouldn't show on it.

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sirs,

We at the North Downs Renaissance Festival express our blistering outrage concerning the staggering loss suffered by many of our performers in the wake of the stunning revelation that Ms. Telcontar has been stealing warts for years. You might not be aware, but the re-enactors, performers and staff of North Downs Renaissance Festival rely on such disfigurements as warts to complete the look and feel of an actual 15th century village. We pride ourselves in looking like characters from a Bruegel painting. This requires much sacrifice on the part of our performers -- some of the more zealous re-enactors have sawed off their own legs, pulled out teeth, and have contracted small pox in order to better mimic actual medieval beggars, mendicants and yeomen. Most have not bathed in years, and eat only acorns and onions to assure authenticity.

By our estimates, Ms. Telcontar has made off with at least twenty pounds worth of warts from our organization. It may not seem like much, but considering the rather insubstantial weight of the average mole (even the big, pulsing hairy ones), the loss is prodigious. In addition, many of our performers have expressed a concern that perhaps warts were not the only bodily deformities Ms. Telcontar has removed. There are reports of missing wens, goiters and moles as well. This represents a tremendous deficit in the authentic hideousness we wish to portray, and an irretrievable loss in time invested in growing such deformities (it takes years to grow a great goiter!).

In conclusion, we hope Ms. Telcontar shows true remorse regarding her crime and returns the purloined pimples. Her crime is a pock-mark on an otherwise unblemished record, but such an act of mercy would soothe bruised egos, calm public inflammation, reduce scarring and be a method of face-saving. We can well understand the growth of her wart-infatuation (who doesn't envy a well-formed wart or a mighty mole?), and do not wish to lump her with other more freckled criminals. She needn't carry the stigma of her mottled crime like a birthmark for the rest of her life.

Yours truly,
Verruca Vulgaris
Coordinator of Stumps, Bumps and Boils
North Downs Renaissance Festival

[Bêthberry]

What I want to know is, is it con tro' versy Esty has engaged in, or con' troversy?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

What I want to know is, is it con tro' versy Esty has engaged in, or con' troversy?

Both.

I was just looking at the next P&A I'm to upload... I REALLY hope Morm isn't offended or disgusted by it...

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Ms. Vulgaris

We pride ourselves in looking like characters from a Bruegel painting

The elder or younger?

I think Esty would have greater fun going after Hell Brueghel, given his taste for the warty and weird, but she still faces the ineffable problem we all face: Which Bruegel is a Bruegel?

~ I swear I never made another Bruegel Ka

[Groin Redbeard]

Not too long until the 31st!

Hey Esty, you can go ahead and keep those warts, I really have no use for them. Let's just hope that Aganzir won't have to kiss me (that really was gross Hookbill).