The Filmarillion

[Estelyn Telcontar]

I happened to discover a parody gem on The One Ring: The Filmarillion. In case the link breaks down sometime, here is the text; the author is (nick-)named Whistler.

THE FILMARILLION
Regarding the Making Of the Megabucks

Great were the wonders of the Golden Age!

For the people, in those days, purchased for themselves Seeing-Boxes, filled with light; and from within that light the Wise Ones spake unto them, and gave them counsel. And Uncle Miltie spake; and Lucy, who is called the Red-Haired, and also Amos and Andy, who are called the Politically Incorrect and are named now only in the whispers of the Ancient Ones.

And that age passed; and the people settled for a while in the Land of Mayberry, and they said unto themselves, 'Shall not another Wise One come? For wherewith now shall we be entertained?' And some of them departed unto Beverly Hills, and joined themselves to the tribe that is called the Hillbillies; and some came unto the House of Samantha, who is called the Nose-Twitcher, and there waited.

And in that time, as if in answer to the cry of the people, came Roddenberry, son of Roddenberry. And from the mind and will of Roddenberry came forth the Federation, and the Federation of Roddenberry begat the Trekkies, who are called among themselves the Trekkers, and among others the Geeks. And the people were glad of the Federation, and of its heroes. And among these were Spock, the Almost-Elven, and Kirk the Overdone, from whom sprang Picard of the Shining Head, and likewise the valiant ones of sundry spinoffs.

Yet in time the Federation spake no more from the Seeing-Boxes, for the people grew restless and looked instead to the greater lights that shone within the multiplexes. And the Federation was made manifest, after a time, in the multiplexes; and the people were glad.

After a time Roddenberry traveled, as is the fate of Men, the Road of No Returning; but, lo! The Federation died not, but continued for a time beyond his passing, though many of its sons grew vast in girth and purchased, in the time of their fading, toupees of great worth.

And in these days came Lucas, who is called the Almost-Spielberg. And Lucas said unto himself, 'Truly hath Roddenberry gone where no man hath gone before; yet a greater thing shall I bring forth than that which was wrought by Roddenberry; and with it shall I make the Megabucks; and all shall tremble when the Megabucks are made.'

And Lucas brought forth the Force, and truly made the Megabucks; and Lucas brought the Megabucks unto the Film Executives, and they worshipped them and said, 'Truly art thou king, for the Megabucks art brought forth by thee.' And Lucas brought forth Happy Meals, and plastic action figures, and other wondrous treasures, and offered them unto the Children of the Force, and all were content, and the Megabucks grew greater.

Then did the Trekkies make war upon the Children of the Force; but after a time they said among themselves, 'Why war we thus? Truly, some are of the Federation, and others of the Force; yet are we not all Geeks?' And so they ceased to war, and the numbers of the Geeks were doubled, and they filled all the land.

Others then said unto themselves, 'Are the Megabucks for Lucas alone?' and they sought for themselves the Megabucks. Among these was Lynch, who is called Creepy, Even By Hollywood Standards. And Lynch brought forth Dune, and perished in the making of it; and the Megabucks came not unto him, and Dune was left to wither and decay upon the shelves of the Temple of Blockbuster. Likewise fell many other heroes.

And Lucas brought forth the Force again, and yet again, and yet again; and still the Megabucks came unto him. And Lucas said, 'Forever shall the Megabucks be mine; and if the people like not Jar Jar Binks, then shall I weep all the way to the bank.'

But some of the people said, 'Is there not a greater than the Force?' and in answer came Jackson, who is called the Townsend-Sacker. And Jackson said:

'A greater song have I than that of Roddenberry, or of Lucas. And if the Megabucks are brought unto me, then shall I bring forth that song from which the Force was partly sprung, and all shall marvel. And Lucas shall bow before me, and likewise Spielberg, who is called The One.'

Then were the Megabucks brought unto Jackson, and Jackson called unto himself many of renown to serve him. Among these were Liv of the Pouty Lips, and Viggo, who is called Should Have Been a Marx Brother; and also came Ian Of the Alternative Lifestyle; and John, who is called the Big Fat Guy.

And the people said, 'Truly Jackson maketh a good thing, or so it seemeth. And if he doeth well, then shall the Megabucks come unto him, and all shall praise him. But if he doeth ill, or bringeth forth the like of Dune, then shall we rend him asunder, and his house shall fall, and great will be the stench of its burning.'

Thus began the tale of which the ending is not known to the Sons of Men.

[Bêthberry]

Great find, Esty! I wonder if a sequel will appear. Perhaps The Shrekabêth, which will be a greening of the Seeing-Boxes?