If Lord of the Rings was a soap opera...

[Evisse the Blue]

This idea began after an acquaintance of mine who delights in melodramatic tales finally read LOTR and afterwards told me that she didn't like it. Her reason: The characters did not show their suffering, their inner conflicts, etc. Another reason: Aragorn did not 'sacrifice' himself in front of the Black Gate, like she thought that he would do. Far from me to start an intellectual debate on this point. Instead, I laughed merrily and along with my sister and a few of her friends started imagining what would it be like if LOTR was written like a soap opera or a melodrama...

We came up with funny stuff, like: the teary departure (occupying at least 3 chapters) of Aragorn and Arwen at Rivendell, or the messenger from Gondor who brought the Red Arrow debating with himself for a couple of paragraphs about whether or not he should bring such dreadful news to the riders of Rohan...

I'll leave it to you to come up with more, and more detailed than that...Let your morbid imagination run free and let's poke fun at the soap fans... ( if you're one, don't feel offended, join in to bring some fresh material. )

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Well, first off, Faramir and Denethor would get into a screaming, hair-pulling fight, in which Denethor would begin to weep, and then start throwing tearful insults at Faramir. "You're such a disappointment as a son!" Then Faramir would get all mad ("Well you're a failure as a father figure!") and start crying again, and fall on the floor... Then Gandalf would jump in and tell off Denethor, and Denny would run off into his chambers crying. "That wizard is so mean!" Then Pippin would follow Faramir out and they would have a nice heart-to-heart talk about Boromir (Faramir would cry again), and then Faramir would have a noble moment and go off and get shot.
Everything after that is just like it happened in the movie. Boo hoo.

[THE Ka]

Ah, this will be much fun!

Ok... I'll introduce what we're looking at, through our "soapopera special viewing glasses" (If you don't wear them you can't see the difference!)i am not responsible for any sudden burst of tears and the lack tissue boxes and bon bon's around.

*Slips cheap-looking glasses on reader...

Denethor: A single father, formaly a drunkard who drowns the memory of his wife's death in booze... or to loose enough brain cells to not care. Also is Bi-Polar and doesn't like to take his pills, with deadly mood-swings which only happen when Faramir is around.

Aragorn: A single humble man with a true destiny...and a spare tissue box. Wishes to win the girl of his dreams but, is confronted with her sheltering, nieve father... Little does he know he is the heir to a huge fortune, and a big fight.

Elrond: An over-protective father with dead-set ideas for his daughter's future. He inevidably is confronted with his worst nightmare: A wooing son-in-law who doesn't have the means to at least bring a cassirole to the dinner party. Also goes through a period of PMS when very nerious.

Arwen: the rich sheltered daughter who cannot understand her father's conditions set out for her. Find's the man of her dreams but, is left with a life conflict: immortality with daddy or mortal with her lover...

Frodo: A rich play-boy or otherwise aristrocrat. Loves to party especially with his uncle, while wishing for whatever comes next. Prone to inherit alot of trouble... and in-decision... Sometimes finds escape through Zoloft...

Gandalf: An old nosey fart on a mission to drive everyone mad, but to save the world of course. Known to know everyone's business. Finds relaxsation with a pipe... and maybe a fellowship here and there.

Legolas: A princely pretty-boy with nothing on his mind but looking better than others. He is forcefully thrown into a fellowship of stinky men, a Moldy Wizard, a rotten dwarf, and a spoil of hobbits who have no fashion sense whatsoever... Armed only with bows and cosmetics what will become of him and his hair?!

Gimli: A extroverted mountian fellow with a few things on his mind... and elf arrows in his butt. Supicious but also with a touch of essensial grooming. What will be his friendship with the pretty elf?

Boromir: A patriotic bandstand for his country, he sees only one mission... to save his country and spread the almost long lost Disco... But, his drunken father's dreams loom on his thought and proper thinking. Will this lead him to doom? Unlike his father, bi-polar pills are no problem to down...that is until they stop making them in cherry flavor...

Faramir: Out of a lost family he is the only one with some sense...and brain cells. Years of drunken Bi-polar oppresion has left its mark on this fellow, putting him as some would call "Emotionally sensitive"... Can't see his daddie's motives, or sometimes his. Instead of fighting back is prone to self-mutalation, with help of others of course...

Pippin: A heavy chain pot-smoker who just joined in for the fun and friends. Motives are rather bleak but tries to live up to his mentor, Merry the Dazeful... With these two, it is liable to see set backs and breakups!

************************************************** ***************
Eh, the list started to weaken by Legolas... sorry, i ran out of creative ideas. I'll let others add more characters to our little soap...

~Creatively drained Ka~ *Pokes brain and dust comes out... "My humour must be dry again!"

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Ah, yes, Faramir was good, though. There should always be a cutter on every show.
But you forgot to add the part about Merry being the sexual confused hobbit, who ends up marrying his second cousin Estella. He also has a little bit of trouble getting used to being seperated from chain-smoker cousin Pippin, whom he has been with his entire life, and consequently is thoroughly frightened, confused, and bitter until picked up and hobbit-napped by Dernhelm.

[THE Ka]

You have a point. So, just to even and distinguish it out, if Merry is going to be genderly confused why don't we just make Legolas a trans-gender blonde bombshell with career dreams as a glam rocker...

Sound good? It will get rid of any confusion for the reader on their part...


~ Studio Ka~

[Morai]

I'd thought I'd do some odd ones:
The Ring: A depressed but evil soul that longs for its master. It has some identity issues, resulting of years of being stuck with a creature in a cave. The Ring loves to get other people in trouble, particularly the kind of trouble that results in death. It loves to have it's bearers wrapped around its finger and loves it when they become possessive. The Ring is quite flexible and can change its appearance and size to whatever fits the person that wears it.

Gollum: And we thought the Ring had issues. This guy is not only bipolar, but schitzophrenic as well. After his "preciousss" left him for a hobbit, Gollum has not been a happy camper. He ends up stalking the Ring and its new bearer, Frodo. Gollum then comes up with a plan to feed Frodo and his "fat-hobbit" friend to a spider to get his preciousss back.

[THE Ka]

The Ring... just another Scapegoat, or something more?!


....

Adding drama. Just such a kick ...


~Enigma Ka~

[Encaitare]

Somehow I think the Ring would be kinda like the jaded hot chick who's starting to get on a bit in years, but can still have any guy she wants and has a couple of old flames tucked away, always sucking on a cigarette, with a smoker's voice, and constantly complaining to everyone how people can't keep their hands off her (or in this case, it). For example:

"So this one time I was just sittin' around in a cave for like 60 years or so, and I'm thinkin', 'Gollum, luv, it's just gotta end. You never take me to the movies, out dancin', or nothin'.'" *takes drag of cigarette* "So I figured it's now or nevah, so I packed up my ashtray and Queen albums and split outta there. But then, next thing I know, some other guy comes along and picks me up -- I mean, I know men can't resist this body, but please--" waves cigarette around dramatically -- "cut an evil piece of jewelry a break!"

Hah.

[Morai]

Somehow I think the Ring would be kinda like the jaded hot chick who's starting to get on a bit in years, but can still have any guy she wants and has a couple of old flames tucked away, always sucking on a cigarette, with a smoker's voice, and constantly complaining to everyone how people can't keep their hands off her (or in this case, it). For example:

The Ring kinda reminds me of Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I can imagine her telling Frodo, "I'm not evil, I was just molded that way."

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Morai

The Ring kinda reminds me of Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I can imagine her telling Frodo, "I'm not evil, I was just molded that way."

Yes, i can imagine that too... But, the ring changes for it's bearers. So, here is a little example:

Ring before (Gollum):





Ring After(Frodo):

Well, well... we can see someone's desperate...

~Explanitory Ka~

[Morai]

Well, well... we can see someone's desperate...

So the Ring must have been some kind of Goth girl when she was with Sauron? Or maybe a female version of a ring wraith. No wonder those Nazgul follow her around so much.

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Morai

So the Ring must have been some kind of Goth girl when she was with Sauron? Or maybe a female version of a ring wraith. No wonder those Nazgul follow her around so much.

Heh, quiet humorious. But, i intended that earlier picture to tell what happens when you spend almost 400 years down in a water resivour with Gollum ...

[Mithalwen]

Well I am envisioning a very bad soap opera where there are more planks in the cast than supporting the flimsy set. The title would surely be "The Road goes ever on"... There is so much material possible that you could start with the Great journey!!!! Hmmm give me a little time

[Boromir88]

I picture Aragorn as the sleeze of the show, who falls in and out of love with about every woman on the soap opera. One episode he marries Eowyn, couple weeks later, a drastic breakup and he flings with Arwen, and then the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Denethor, I see as this mafia leader, and he's trying to get his sons to carry along the family tradition. He is like the ringleader of all illegal actions on the show, but for some reason the Police Commisioner (played by Gandalf) can never pin him with the crime, and he always gets away, to continue his malfeasance!

[Linnahiril Tinnufinwen]

I agree with Boromir that the Aragorn-Arwen-Eowyn love triangle would make some great soap opera material. Eowyn and Arwen would probably have some kind of show down, where Arwen would insist that she was pregnant with Aragorn's child, and Eowyn would confess that she is dying of some rare African disease.

Then, of course, there are the denied homosexual feelings between Frodo and Sam. Sam would become jealous of the ring, because the ring is seducing Frodo for his money to enable him to get back at his former lover, Sauron. But as it turns out, the ring just wanted to use Frodo as a vehicle to get back together with Sauron. But Gollum is unrequitedly in love with the ring, so he trys to get with Frodo in order to get back with the ring, but is constantly thwarted by Sam, the true "nice guy", who has true love for Frodo, and is tormented to watch all of this drama play itself out in front of his eyes.

[Maeggaladiel]

These rock, you guys! If I wasn't in a public library right now I'd be laughing out loud, possibly on the floor. But I'm in a public library right now.

I can definately see that love triangle. Hee hee... some rare African disease. So soapy!

[Esgallhugwen]

I'd just like to add one matter-of-factual thing concerning the filming process and not the plot.

It would become apparent that after a few episodes you would notice the extensive use of cover-up make-ups by both male and females, after all, all those dramatic close ups would eventually result in a few eye injuries.

*Dramatic cord* zooming in and zooming in *clunk* actor falls to floor.

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Maeggaladiel

These rock, you guys! If I wasn't in a public library right now I'd be laughing out loud, possibly on the floor. But I'm in a public library right now.

I can definately see that love triangle. Hee hee... some rare African disease. So soapy!

African Disease: Eboli Zaire... Heh. Think of it. First she develops a rash-like condition. Then, Eowyn blows up and turns into a puss-filled, blacken ball of blood and bile. Basically, her internal organs practically melt and then she goes through a state of shock. And dies...

Sorry. I'm sort of a fanatic of disease facts... The disease itself is real, but is very rare. Ebola Zaire is a slate wiper of humans. A more gentler condition of this is known as the Marburg Disease (a.k.a. : The 'Gentle Sister'). If you like to learn more about this disease, read The Hot Zone by: Richard Preston.

-----------------------------------

If denethor is a mob boss, then we should try to include 'prohibition'... It just ties it with the whole drunkard facter... Hey? How about the palantir is a keg is the last surviving famous Gondorian Rum Run?

Hmm?

~Weird Ka~

[Morai]

It would become apparent that after a few episodes you would notice the extensive use of cover-up make-ups by both male and females, after all, all those dramatic close ups would eventually result in a few eye injuries.

That sounds like what would likely occur if I directed a tv show. But, to my credit: I have directed a scene in a play. Before any one freaks out, no there weren't any cameras involved.

If denethor is a mob boss, then we should try to include 'prohibition'... It just ties it with the whole drunkard facter... Hey? How about the palantir is a keg is the last surviving famous Gondorian Rum Run?

If Dethenor is a mob boss then...his son Boromir did die in battle...aka a gang fight. That Gang of the White Hand always were a troublesome bunch....

[Maeggaladiel]

Yeah! So Boromir dies in a gang fight, leaving Godfather Denethor in mourning. Denny declares war upon the White Hand Gang. He then discovers that Faramir has been dating one of the White Hand Gang's female members and decides to send Faramir out on a suicide mission as punishment. What he doesn't realize is that Eowyn, realizing that her african disease will eventually claim her life, has become a double-agent who infiltrated the White Hand Gang and sends information to the Riders of the Mark, the local biker gang who used to be good friends with Denethor's gang. Mild-mannered Faramir has been dating Eowyn, who has told him her secret and made him swear he would never reveal it to anyone. In his loyalty to Eowyn, Faramir remains silent and chooses death over betrayal to the one he loves.

Aragorn, who was briefly Eowyn's Dunedain Gang contact, realizes the problem but refuses to step in since his hatred towards Faramir is so strong. Five years ago, Faramir single-handedly stopped the Dunedain Gang's raid on a doughnut shop and Aragorn has never forgiven him.

Meanwhile, Arwen discovers that Elrond is actually financially indebted to the Lorien Gang, since he borrowed a large sum of money from Boss Galadriel to build the secret underground weapons bunker under the Council Hall. To repay Galadriel, Elrond sells Glorfindel's brain to the space aliens living in the Misty Mountains. Arwen takes Glorfindel's place to cover up for his absence.

And in the shadows of the Misty Mountains, Susan the Watcher in the Water and the Lenny the Balrog admit their love for each other, but realize that they can never be together without raising a lot of steam.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR... THE YOUNG AND THE IMMORTAL

[THE Ka]

ahh... Poor Susan. I think i will send her some seacritters. I think we have both the same tastes...

You know what? It sounds awfully like the Sapranos...


~Siouxsie Ka~

[Keeper of Dol Guldur]

Boromir would return five days after Aragorn got back from seeing Frodo off and would discover that not only was Faramir the Steward, and Denethor had died, but Faramir had gotten married to Eowyn.

A year before, when Boromir had ridden through Rohan on his way to Rivendell, he and Eowyn had a torrid love affair, and he promised he'd marry her.

Faramir had taken everything from him.

He and Faramir would duel and he'd kill Faramir and take his place, in disguise as his younger brother.

But no worries, Faramir would return a year later with a new wife and a band of outlaws. He'd wear an eyepatch.

[Assasin]

After it was all over, Rosie decided that Sam might go on another "business trip" so she leaves him for a much hotter hobbit. Sam goes to the undying lands, leaving his children in the Hobbit Social Services. Eowyn and Faramir decide they want some hobbit children, so they adopt Sam's little boy. Meanwhile, Arwen starts regretting her choice to live with Aragorn, so she decides to go live in Moria, she's gonna clean the place up and transform it into an inn. Aragorn goes mad and loses the kingdom in a bet. He gets really drunk, and passes out. Eowyn and Faramir find him, they tell him to get out of Gondor. He goes to visit Eomer, and turns him against his sister. They set the Rohirrim against the Gondor army and have a big brawl. Meanwhile, Sam's son, vows to kill his mother for leaving him and his sister, and he's gonna recruit his sister too. What will happen next? Oh, the suspense is killing me.