Middle Earth Answering Machine Messages

[Arwen Melian]

I went to Ringbearer.org and found some funny answering machine messges:

(Glorfindel): "Greetings, you've reached Glorfindel of Rivendell. I'm probably home,out of work, and sitting in my forest-view room throwing darts at a blown-up photo of 'Arwen' at the Ford. If this is Peter Jackson,I'm more than willing to show up with the other elves at Helm's Deep. The Pelannor? The Grey Havens, at least?! If this is Arwen, get your big feet out of the Bruinen and give me back my horse!"

-yes I know that was a little mean-

(Sauron):"Yeah, this is Sauron, famous Maiar gone bad. I cannot take your call right now as I'm very busy plotting the downfall of Middle Earth. State your buissness at the sound of the scream, or press 9 to reach the Nazgul. If this is 'the Mouth', don't forget to bring me a very large bottle of Visine upon your return."

(Gimli):"You've reached Gimli the dwarf. Due to a hasty, likely regrettable promise,I'm busy packing as tommorow I leave to go trapsing through Fangorn forest with Legolas.If I do not return, I leave my axe collection to my friends at Aglarond, and my most prized possession-Galadriels lock of hair- is to be given it's own shrine there. If this is Treebeard, PLEASE stop with the prank calls.If I hear one more chant of " the eyes, beware of the eyes!", and Quickbeam snickering in the background- I'M NOT GOING!"

(Gandalf):"You've reached Gandalf the Grey. To schedule a fireworks show please press one.For your free psychic reading,press two.For today's nugget of wizardly wizdom,please press three. If you are Evil or a Minion of Evil please press four. If you are a dwarf with troublesome Elf fixations, please press five. If you would like to be King of Gondor,press six.If you are currently in possession of an All-Powerful ring that could destroy all of Middle-Earth,please press seven. If you are a hobbit in need of a bit of fancying, please stay on the line and the operator will assist you shortly."

(Strider): "You've reached Aragorn, Heir of Isildur, also known as Strider, Elessar,1st King of the Reunited Kingdom,Thengal of Rohan,Elfstone,Telcontar,The Renewer,Longshanks,Ecthelion of Gondor,Wing-foot,Sweetche----BEEP-----

(The Witch King):"You've reached the Witch-King, Lord of the Nazgul. If you have any information regarding 'Shire' or 'Baggins' please leave your name,your whereabouts,greatest fear and a brief message,and I'll be there promptly.Unless you're a woman. If you're a woman take me off your phone list and stop calling!"

(Haldir):"You've reached Haldir of Lorien.I'm probably too high and mighty to talk to the likes of you , but there's always a chance. If this is my plastic surgeon,Friday is looking suitable. If this is a dwarf consider yourself snubbed. Leave a pleasing message at the sound of the word arrogant,including all the pertinant details...and I'll have to make a decision,won't I?"

(Treebeard):"Hroom! You've reached Treebeard of Fangorn Forest.Please leave a message,but don't be hasty.Speak slowly.Very slowly. Think about what you want to say very carefully. Don't rush.Spell your name,speaking each letter succinctly. I promise to return your call,however, I cannot say when.Hroom!Must not be hasty.Once I carefully think through what my reply should be, I will call you back,saying each word slowly,very slowly.......BEEP.....

(Sam):"Hello,this is Samwise Gamgee.I am currently at Bag End trimming Mr.Frodo's grass,hedges,and anything else he would like to have trimmed. I could be digging holes for Mister Frodo where I will plant lovely flowers that will make Mr. Frodo very happy.Mr.Frodo is the best master ever!if you are not Mr.Frodo don't bother to leave a message."

I'm tired of writing these things down so why don't you check out the humor section at Ringbearer.org:: Your Lord of the Rings news source, for more messages. I'm REALLY bored and could use a laugh, so post up some of your own original answering messages from a lotr character for me as soon as possible. Thank-you. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

I liked this one too:

(BILL): "Neigh! You've reached Bill the Pony's Transportation services. Let's cut to the chase. I don't do mountains, swamps, rivers, blasted landscapes, orc-invested lands, mines ... and most especially entrances TO mines. Phobias include abandonment in treacherous places and really big octopus-like creatures that live in murky lakes. I'm loyal, reliable, and incredibly good-natured considering some traumatic moments in my life ... but if you're looking for lightening speed and pretty-boy looks, you've neighed up the wrong Equus caballus. Contact Shadowfax at TooSwiftTooBeBelieved Inc.. If you have dwarf in tow, ask for Arod. Otherwise, leave a message, and I might consider giving you a whinney back."

Hmm, now as to one of mine own...*cracks knuckles*

(Pippin): "Hello, you have reached the Took residence. I am unable to come to the phone right now because I am either traipsing through a marish, stuck in a willow tree, lying in a barrow-down dressed in a white slip, ignoring maps at Rivendell, throwing stones down a well, being dragged across the plains of Rohan by Uruk-hai, sitting out an Entmoot, waiting on a psychotic pyromaniac, or being squished by a troll. If this is an emergency and you must contact me immediatly, call 1-666-Palantír, and I may get to you before the Eye does."

Oh whatever. At least I tried.

[ October 27, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Arwen Melian]

That's hilarious, more, more I desire more. Keep it coming!

[Diamond18]

(Rose): "Hello, you have reached the Cotton residence. If this is Master Samwise Gamgee, please leave a message detailing the following information: Where the Udûn are you? What in Eru's name do you think you're doing? And when are you coming back? If you think that I'm going to wait around for a whole year while you save the world...well, you're right. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it! I'm not getting any younger, you know."

[Arwen Melian]

haaha! To bad that didn't raelly happen
diamond. I'll try to think of one tonight so tommorow I could post it for you.
p.s. I'm going to try one of them on my answering machine on halloween, how about you? [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

Ooooooh, that's a good idea. The caller would probably hang up halfway through, though.

[Faye Took]

Ooo thats a good idea for Halloween! I would probably use my real last name though. Hehe

[Kalimac]

Transcript of a phone call made sometime in the late 3rd age [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img].

[Ring! Ring!]

"Mae govannen, you have reached the Valley of Rivendell, site of the Last Homely House and most easily accessible Elvish settlement from both Lothlorien and the Grey Havens. For Elvish, press 1. For Westron, press 2. For Dwarvish, please hold for the operator.

[press 1]

Thank you for calling Rivendell. For information on bookings, press 1. For directions, press 2. For information on our Mordor and Surrounding Lands refugee program, press 3. If you know your party's name or extension, please press 4. If you need assistance, please hold for the operator.

[press 4]

"If you know your party's extension, please press 1. To dial by name, please press 2."

[press 2]

"Please enter the first five digits of your party's last name."

[E-V-E-N-S]

"I'm sorry, that name is not defined. To enter another name, please press 1. To return to previous menu, press 0."

[U-N-D-O-M]

"Please hold, while I transfer you to (Arwen's voice) `Arwen Undomiel'. This may take a few moments."

(Hold, while a Muzak version of "The Lay of Beren and Luthien" plays. At the the fifteenth repetition of "Tinuviel, Tinuviel!" we hear [Ring! Ring!])

"Mae govannen and welcome, you've reached the voicemail of Arwen Undomiel, Evenstar and daughter of Elrond Half-Elven. I'm in Lothlorien with my grandmother Galadriel or disputing my future with my father right now, so I'm afraid I can't come to the phone. Your call is important to me, so please leave a message and I'll call back before the next century. If you need immediate help, please press 0 for the operator."

[press 0]

(Muzak rendition of "The Road Goes Ever On and On")

(Jazzed-up rendition of "The Sun Shines On The Road" one of Bilbo's more forgettable compositions)

"Thank you for holding. One of our operators will be available to assist you shortly."

(Another rendition of "Beren and Luthien" this time played in full. Finally).

"Thankyouforcalling, thisisLindir, howmayIhelpyouSirorMa'am?"

"Uh, hello, uh, Lindir, but I was wondering if I could talk to Miss Arwen Undomiel? I tried calling her and I got her voicemail."

"Oh, OK. Lemme look around...oh wait, ya know, she just stepped out to Lorien a year ago and she's prolly not gonna be back until the next coupla decades are over. Wanna leave her a message?"

"Uh, could I have her phone number at Lorien?"

"Sir, I'm not allowed to tell you that, Elrond's orders. You want her voicemail?"

"Oh, all right."

[Click! Transfer to Arwen's voicemail."

"Uh, hello, Arwen, it's me, Estel. Or actually Aragorn and Thorongil is what they're calling me these days, but you probably remember me as Estel. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch before now but I haven't had too many chances to get close to a phone, kinda busy winning my spurs and planning to reclaim my kingdom and all...well, anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I remember you, and I kind of hope we can, well, pick up where we left off thirty years ago. You remember...oh, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway I hope you still feel the same way.

"OK, I'd better be going now. I guess I'll try and track down your Lorien number somehow. I don't have a cell number or anything, it's too easy for other people to track. So I guess I'll just be calling you in a couple more decades. Bye. Love - I mean, I hope you're happy. See you. Bye. Yeah, I guess that's it. Till next decade, then."

[Terminate call]

[ October 27, 2002: Message edited by: Kalimac ]

[Diamond18]

Another comic masterpiece compliments of Kalimac. You are on a roll!

(Smeagol): "Wessssss isssn't home right now, isssss we preciousssssssss? No, we isssssn't. If thisssss issss Bagginses, presssss one, my precioussss. If thissss issss the nasssssty hobbit, pressss two, my preciousssss. If thissss issss nice master, pressssss three, my preciousssss. If thissssss isssss "She", presssss four, my precioussssss. If someone elsssssse, pressss five, my precioussssss."

Kinda drives you mad, don't it?

[ October 28, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Childlike Empress]

Wonderful, Kalimac [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Arwen1858]

Oh, Kalimac, that was great!! I loved it!
Arwen

[Arwen Imladris]

hehehehe! These are good! More More!

On a Similar note(no pun intended) my piano teacher's voice mail has, insted of a beep, the Furelise (I think) It is really funny.

[Diamond18]

(Cirth Ungol): "Hello, you have reached the Tower of Cirith Ungol. If you are calling to speak with any one of the former residents, you needn't bother, as they are all dead. If you would like to speak with a great big Elvish warrior, press one. If you would like to hear Frodo and Sam's moving duet, press two. If you would like to arrange an eye squeezing session with Shagrat, press four." [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]

[Arwen Melian]

HAHAHAHAHA!(COVERS HER MOUTH SHE'S LAUGHING SO MUCH.)Thank you Kalimac and Diamond you really made my day, I have been having such a bad day. First my friend would not talk to me, then my precious wallet gets stolen with all my LORD OF THE RINGS pictures in it.You make me laugh you guys. Well, anyways I'm still in the process of making a middle-earth message but I've been so busy today. I'll try to make one this week, I promise, but keep them coming I could use more laughs. Those were so great!

[VanimaEdhel]

Glorfindel: Suilannon! As you can see, I'm not in now. I'm probably out saving a hobbi- *Glorfindel screams, and then Arwen's voice cuts in*: Hahahaha! Not so fast, Glorfy! This is my show! Yoyoyo, 'sup? I'm Arwen, daughter of Steven Tyler...erm...I mean Elrond! Leave a message after you hear the Aerosmith music...erm...I mean the windchimes! *"Dude Looks Like a Lady" plays followed by "Janie's Got a Gun"*

Arwen's own before she married Aragorn: Hello! You have reached Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell, the last Homely House! If you are Glorfindel, hang up, I don't want to hear it! I can't help it if Peter Jackson cut you! Do you think that I would have done the movie, had I had a smaller part? I think not! And, if you're Aragorn, you're not supposed to be calling...Daddy'll be mad...and yes: I will be coming with you to the picnic on Sunday! But shhhhh: don't tell Daddy! He'd flip! *"Walk this Way" begins to play*

Legolas: Ai! Ai! You have reached the home of Legolas Thranduillion! If you are a Dwarf, hang up! If you want to call me a girl, call J.R.R. Tolkien! He'll have some fierce words to say to you! Mmm-hmmm: you'll be in trou...BLE! He loved me! He always spoke of that I was nearly as tall as a tree and stuh-rong! So don't mess! And...if you do...well...I'll call my daddy...I mean...then shoot you! Big meanie-heads! *windchime sound*

Elrond: Aragorn! Stop calling! No! You cannot marry my daughter! Any humans for that matter! You know why? Because humans...are a disease...and we...are the cure...isn't that right, Misssssster Andersssson? *beep!*

Gandalf: You...shall not...pass! *beep!*

[Kalimac]

Thank you so much, everyone [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] [blushes]. Love the Gollum and Cirith Ungol ones, and of course poor old Glorfindel (for a character who has about six lines he certainly did pretty well in terms of popularity - he's like the Boba Fett of LOTR [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]).

Another skit, if it hasn't gotten old:

"Curses be upon your head, you've reached the Tower of Barad-Dur and the voicemail of Sauron the Maia. Unfortunately I'm not yet reinstated in a body, so I'm physically unable to pick up the telephone. This message is being recorded by the Mouth of Sauron. To beg for mercy, press 1. To confess, press 2. To betray someone, press 3. If you have information on some worthless little trinket which may have belonged to me, please press 0, stay exactly where you are, and do not attempt to resist the entities which will shortly be coming for you. All calls will be recorded the better to serve our own purposes."

[press 3]

"To talk to Him, press 1. For Her, press 2. If you don't know who either of these are, please press 0 and expect our agents to arrive shortly."

[press 1]

(Hold while "There's a Whip, There's a way" plays)

"Bubblebubblebubble...hisssss...."

"Greetingssss, your ladysssship. Smeagol bringsss nice tassssty hobbitsssesss, yesss?"

"Bubble?"

"Food. Niccce food."

"Glurp."

"No, not orcses. Fresssh."

[sudden enthusiastic bubbling, during which transmission is lost].

OK, so that was a bit lame. But come on, you KNOW that Sauron & Co. would tape record everything, wouldn't they?

[Diamond18]

Ew, gross! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] Sounds like she ate the phone in her excitement...

Here's another:

(Varda): "You have called on Elbereth Gilthoniel, that's right! My eyes are clear and my breath is bright. How may I help you this night? If you would like to first sing a song of praise to me, please press star (*). If you are being attacked by Ringwraiths, please press 9. If you are in mortal combat with a gigantic loathesome spider, please press 8. If you would like to disarm evil sentinals, please press 2. I am glad to be of service to you!"

[ October 29, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Losthuniel]

I got One (kind of pathetic)

Hello, this is Professor Tolkien, from my grave. If you have tiresome, badly written and/or characterized fanfiction you would like me to read, please report to the PPC. If you wish to enquire about the sexual preferences of Frodo and Sam, report to the PPC. If you wish to bestow praise upon my books, press 1(you have a 30 second time limit). If you have questions on Tom Bombadil or Balrog, press 2. IF you are Peter Jackson, leave your Name, Number and exact location, so that I may HAVE WORDS with you. *BEEEEEEEP*

I tried.

[ October 29, 2002: Message edited by: Losthuniel ]

[LadyElbereth]

These are so good! I might actually try some... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Arwen1858]

Hello, you have reached Arwen Undomiel, Queen of Gondor. I am not availible right now. I'm probably out helping Aragorn run the kingdom. If you want to leave a message, press 1. If this is Daddy, I miss you too! If this is Glorfindel, just leave me alone already! I can't help that Peter Jackson overlooked you! If this is someone else calling to complain about me saving Frodo instead of Glorfindel, call Peter Jackson instead. He'll take care of you!
*beep*

Well, I tried! It didn't come out as good as I hoped, but at least I tried!
Arwen

[Thulorongil]

These are so very funny!!

I especially like the Legolas, Cirith ungol, and poor Glorfindel!

Diamond, you're mean to poor old Bill!

I am definitely using one on my message machine on halloween!

[Diamond18]

I didn't write that one, I just got it off of Ringbearer.org. (I liked the TooFastToBeBelieved thing about Shadowfax). The rest are all mine, of course.

[Diamond18]

(Frodo after the WotR): "Hello, you have reached Bag-end. If you would like to leave a message for Master Samwise, press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Mistress Rose, press 2. If you would like to leave a message for me...well...you would be the first in a long time. No one ever cares about me. Whenever I answer the phone it's, 'Can I talk to Sam?' or 'Could you get me a date with Merry or Pippin?' *sighs* I don't mind, of course. I'm usually too tired to talk anyway...and...it's...it's gone *sniffle* gone, all gone! Well, anyway, go about your happy little life and leave your chipper little message. Just don't call while I'm taking my early morning, late morning, early afternoon or late afternoon naps."

[galadwen29]

these are so funny haa ha.
heres my go

Legolas:

hi you've reached legolas of mirkwood, i'm out at the mo target practising with gimli. gandalf says its good practice for hitting orcs. press 1 if you are gimlis 'rents and i've accidently killed him, 2 if you are aragorn and need to talk bout arwen, 3 if you are arwen and want to talk bout aragorn, 4 if its gandalf, 5 any pesky hobbits and 6 for the lovely ladies out the yes remember 6 the number 6! oh yeah glorfindel don't leave a message. beeeeeeeeeeep.

[Arwen Melian]

Ok, you know what, I give up on trying to make a message everyone has such good ideas that they are all practically taken already,
sigh! Well, actuallyI better keep on trying;I did start this thing did I not?
P.S.Thanks for all the messages so far.....again.

[Elenna]

LEGOLAS: Hi, you have reached Legolas Greenleaf. If you are a Mary Sue calling to ask me out, dial 1-800-GO2-UDUN. If you are a dwarf calling to ask me out, call me on my cell. *Sound of giggling*. If you're my father, Daddy, I kinda maxed out your plastic on hair products and nail polish. Send me some more money - I wanna take the dwarf out somewhere nice for our anniversary. Maybe a cruise...

[Diamond18]

At the risk of being terribly redundant, I'll get in on the act and do a Legolas one, too.

"Hello, you have reached Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. If you are my arrow supplier, GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER! I want to have a talk with you. Was it some kind of sick joke to send me a dozen Orc arrows when I ordered a dozen ELVEN arrows???? Do you know what it would do to my reputation to go around with a quiver full of Orc arrows? I want my money back now! Ahem...but I digress. Whoever is calling, please leave a message after the sound of the whizzing arrow. The whizzing ELVEN arrow, of course."

[charly]

YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!! I REALLY loved Arwen(all of them) and gollum. And of course, Rivendell call center. And Glorfindel.And Elrond.
LOL!!!!!!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Ok, these are Galadriel´s messages ON the answering machine... (is that ok with you guys?)

(beep) You have three new mesages (beep)
first message
"Um, hi grandma, this is Arwen, can I move in your place?I sort of had a fight with dad. Please?I´ll wash up, promise. Yeah thanks. Bye."

second message
"Hey, Gally it´s Sauron. So,wanna be bad?Come on, I know you do. It´s right there in your cute little heart... can´t hide it from uncle Sauron... So,call me back and I´ll turn you into the most beautiful Nazgul on Arda.See you Gally.

third message
"(very loud voice)GALADRIEL,IF ARWEN IS WITH YOU TELL HER TO COME HOME NOW, UNLESS SHE WANTS TO GET IN DEEP TROUBLE!!!!!!

fourth message
2Hey, it´s me, Gimli.You know I´ve been thinking and um, well, I think we´re just not going to work. I mean you´re an elven and I´m a dwarf and everything.... well yeah. See you then......Yeah honey ,coming(backround: Legolas giggeling,sound of bedspreads beeing moved)
Pretty dumb isn´t it??

[Diamond18]

Not so much dumb as a bit too graphic. It would be nice to keep this thread clean.

"Hello, you have reached Rauros, golden Rauros falls. If you would like to schedule an outdoor funeral, please leave your name, phone number, and date of death, and we will get back to you."

~Or~

"Hello, this is the South and West winds. If you are inquiring after the whereabouts of Boromir the Tall, Fair, and Bold, ask of the North wind news of him!"

(Those are only funny if you've memorized the Lament for Boromir...and can sing it...*whistles absently*)

[Melephelwen]

All of these are great! Keep 'em coming! I'm not good at making this sort of things, and never have been, so I won't even try, but please keep 'em coming! They are hilarious!

[bombur]

(Treebeard's message...) : You... have... <hrumpha>... reached... by... the... use... of... this... hasty... mens... machine-... <hrumpha>... -thing-... <hrumpha>... -devilish-... -devise... <hrumpha>... the... words... that... are... left... here... by... <hrumpha>... one... that... is... definately... truly... since... begining... <hrumpha> <hrumphatuy> <thrump>... of time... not... busy... but... is... <hrumpha>... still... not... at... home... that... being... the... one... the... <hrumph>.. hasty... folk... call... BEEEEEP!

[Losthuniel]

Clean? WHy not go for slash free, first and formost.

[Arwen Melian]

Can I just clear something up?Legolas and Gimli are not homosexual; I know that it is funny to joke that way and read fanfiction like that,I sympathize with that. But, as
Diamond said let's keep it clean, okay? It was funny though.They just happen to be good friends. By the way if you like that type of fanfic with Legolas and Gimli go to - axe and bow fanfiction - But you have to be mature about it;I don't think it's meant for young eyes.

[Diamond18]

I would hardly call my comment slashing, Losthuniel. If a thread gets too dirty, a moderator is sure to swoop down from the sky and that's it for that thread. I simply want to point that out before it happens.

(Thranduil): "You have reached the palace of Thranduil, Elven-King of Mirkwood. If you are a Dwarf tresspassing within the borders of my woodland realm, press one and you will be imprisoned shortly. If you are a Hobbit who would like to give me a priceless treasure to use as a...erm...bargaining tool, press two. If this is the Mayor of Lake-town, press three, but just so you know I don't want to hear another complaint about what you find in my barrels. If this is Legolas, press four, and tell me what you're doing! I know I got kind of mad when you let Gollum escape and we exchanged words before you left for Imladris, but that's no reason to be pouty and not come back home! And I hope you haven't talked to any strange Dwarves (redundant, I know) because you know that would make me very mad."

(Balrog of Moria): "There better be a very good reason for this call, because I do not like being disturbed. I like to sleep, and I like to do it all the time. Anyone who wakes me up is asking to be flame broiled. Oh, and if this is Sauron, get lost. I am a servant of Morgoth, and I stick my fiery neck out for no one else, got that?"

[VanimaEdhel]

Arwen Melian: read the "Book of Lost Tales II". Christopher Tolkien makes note of something his father said that would please you immensely...to quote what it says:

Ultimately, of course, the Elves shed all associations and qualities that would be now commonly considered 'fairylike', and those who remained in the Great Lands in Ages of the world at this time unconceived were to grow greatly in stature and in power: there was nothing filmy or transparent about the heroic or majestic Eldar of the Third Age of Middle-earth. Long afterwards my father would write, in a wrathful comment on a 'pretty' or 'ladylike' pictorial rendering Legolas:

'He was tall as a young tree, lithe, immensely strong, able swiftly to draw a great war-bow and shoot down a Nazgûl, endowed with the tremendous vitality of Elvish bodies, so hard and resistant to hurt that he went only in light shoes over rock or through snow, the most tireless of all the Fellowship.'

Now that we've had this serious interlude, back the the merriment (and yes: let us keep it between PG and PG-13 in here, I agree...)

[Losthuniel]

Diamond18, I was hardly refering to you.

[Diamond18]

Oh...ok....well you said "Clean?" and I was the one who said that...so I thought you were. By "slash" I thought you meant criticizing other posts.

Anyway, I thought the idea of writing messages left on answering machines was a good idea, and charly's first three did amuse me. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone who does think I was being nasty to him...

[VanimaEdhel]

Gah! I said "back to the merriment"! Do I have to do everything?

The Royal Family of Mirkwood: Suilannon, mhellyn! You have reached the Royal Family. If you are an Elf wanting to speak to Thranduil on business, press 1. If you have information telling us who, in the name of Yavanna, Legolas's mother is, please press 2. If you want to speak to Legolas, press 3. If you are a female, asking for Legolas's hand in marriage, press 4 to be put on the waiting list. If you are one of Legolas's many stalkers, press 911 and turn yourselves in. If you have any information concerning escaped Dwarves or small former-Hobbits, press 5. If you are a Dwarf, hang up, we do not like you. If you are Gimli, however, press 6 and you will be connected to Legolas's line in his room. If you are Arwen, press 6 as well, because Legolas thinks you are very, very pretty. If you are any of Legolas's "long lost" sisters, brothers, wives, lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, sons, granddaughters, grandsons, or any other people with any connections to my son in any way, tough. We have enough of those already. And, if you are looking for Legolas to go on another quest, hang up. He's grounded for this week for staying out drinking miruvor past curfew and all of his telephone and internet privileges taken away. He's also not allowed to quest for 100 years. Thank you for your understanding...

[Diamond18]

Vanima hath spoken, and she sayeth, "You shall be merry or else!" [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

So here goes...my imagination levels are really low right now (just look at my Thranduil and Balrog messages, blech...) But I'll try.

(Galadriel): "Hello, this is the Lady of the Wood, who may or may not be an Elvenqueen. If you view me as not a queen, press one and leave a simple message. If you think I am a queen, press two, and I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreaful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and DESPAIR! Ahem...thank you and your call is important to me."

(Éomer): "You have reached Riddermark. If you are a Man, press one. If you are an Elf, press two. If you are a Dwarf, press three. If you are a Man, and Elf and a Dwarf, what business do you have calling Riddermark?"

(Faramir): "Hello, this is Faramir, Steward of Gondor, Prince of Ithilien and Lord of Emyn Muil. (Éowyn wanted me to say all that...I really don't care about that sort of thing...) Anyway, this is my automated wisdom line. If you would like to learn the history of Númenor, press one. If you would like to listen to a reflective dissertation on war and peace, press two. If you would like to hear about my dreams, press three. If you are feeling suicidal because of unrequited love, press four to hear all about my own tender love story. If you are on a dangerous quest and are in need of advice, press five and whatever you do, don't go near Cirith Ungol! If you simply want to leave me a message, hold until after the beep. (I really do recommened pressing 1, 2, 3 or 4, though)."

[Arwen Melian]

That was great keep it coming, yes I know I have not made any yet... sorry.