If LotR had been written by someone else!?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well, Legate already did a Naruto version. So I shall up the metaphorical ante with something . . . deeper in the anime esoterica.

(Urubochi Gen's someone who would be into the concept of eucatastrophe.)

~*~*~

Anello Portatore Frodo☆Magica
by Magica Quartet

Episode 8: I'm Such a Fool

[Spoiler warning: In the absolutely ludicrously unlikely case that you are following the original show, turn back now. Here be spoilers.]

"Ringbearers are messengers of hope, locked in perpetual battle with the Ringwraiths, bearers of despair. Annatar, a mysterious creature of fair semblance, offers young Hobbits a contract: he will grant one of their wishes, in exchange for becoming Ringbearers.

"Miki Sméagol and Sakura Bilbo discover the truth behind Ringbearers: that their souls have been taken from their bodies and placed inside the rings they bear. The next day, Smeagol realises that his grandmother, whom he had healed with a miracle he had obtained in exchange for becoming a ringbearer, continues to hold him in contempt. Smeagol falls deeper into despair."

[Madoka Frodo is sitting on a park bench, clearly in anguish. Annatar appears from behind a tree.]

Annatar: Do you hate me, too?

Madoka Frodo: If I hate you, will you turn Sméagol back?

Annatar: No. I'm afraid that's beyond my power.

Frodo: You said that I would be a really powerful Ringbearer. Is that true?

Annatar: "Really powerful" is an understatement. You would be extraordinarily powerful. Possibly the most powerful in Middle-earth.

Frodo: If I had listened to you, maybe Sméagol wouldn't have become a Ringbearer...

Annatar: Sméagol made his own wish. It has nothing to do with you.

Frodo: Why me? What's so special about me?

Annatar: I don't know. Honestly, your hidden potential is something I would never have even dreamed of, a Hobbit with a power equal to that of an Elf lord or a hero of the Edain. I would like an explanation myself.

Frodo: Really?

Annatar: All I know is, if you unleash your power, you may just cause a miracle, or you may even change the laws of Arda. But I can't explain why you alone have that kind of power.

Frodo: I thought I didn't have any dreams. I thought I'd just live out my life here in the Shire, never being able to make anyone happy or be good for anything. It made me sad and lonely, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Annatar: But the reality is very different. If you wish it, Frodo, I could make you into God.

Frodo: Then could I do what you couldn't?

Annatar: And what's that?

Frodo: If I made a contract with you, could I turn Sméagol back to normal?

Annatar: It would be easy for you. Is that a wish worth trading away your soul?

Frodo: For Sméagol, gladly. Make me a Ringbe--

[Annatar is shot in the eye with an arrow. Out of the shadows comes the figure of Akemi Samwise, holding a bow.]

Frodo: This is horrible! Why did you kill him?

Akemi Samwise: Why are you always sacrificing yourself? You're not good for anything?

Frodo: Huh?

Samwise: You have no meaning? Don't put yourself down. Think about the people who care about you. Stop this! There are people who would mourn if you were gone! Why don't you understand? What about everyone who is trying to protect you?

[Samwise falls to his knees.]

Frodo: Sam!

[Frodo stares blankly at Sam as the vague shadows of memory assault him.]

Frodo: Have we... Have we met somewhere before?

Samwise: I'm sorry...

Frodo: I have to find Sméagol.

Samwise: Wait! Miki Sméagol is already--

Frodo: I'm sorry.

[Frodo walks away.]

Samwise: Wait, Mr Frodo!

[Samwise reaches out for Frodo, but his knees won't support him. He falls back to the ground, sobbing. Meanwhile Annatar's body reforms, and he stands up holding the arrow that has pierced him.]

Annatar: You just don't learn, do you? That is not my true body. Destroying it won't do any good. You're just wasting your energy.

[Samwise stands back up, staring evenly at Annatar.]

Annatar: This is the second time you've tried to kill me. That's told me what kind of attacks you use. That was time-manipulation, right?*

[Samwise continues to stare at Annatar.]

Annatar: It seems that my guess was right. You aren't from this timeline, are you?

Samwise: I know what you are and what you're planning.

Annatar: And that's why you keep interfering with me. But do you think you can change Kaname Frodo's fate like this?

Samwise: Yes. I will not allow your plan to succeed, Annatar... Or should I say Sauron, Lord of the Rings?

[The scene switches to Sakura Bilbo and Miki Sméagol.]

Sakura Bilbo: I finally found you. When are you gonna stop being stupid?

Miki Smèagol: Sorry for wasting your time.

Bilbo: Huh? That's weird for you to say.

Smèagol: I don't care anymore. What was important to me, what I wanted to protect... I don't know what those are anymore.

Bilbo: Hey.

[Sméagol reveals his ring. The inscription on it is glowing bright red.]

Smèagol: Hope and despair always balance out to zero. That's what you said, right? I understand what that means now. I did save a few people, but with each one, the hate in me grew. I even hurt Frodo, my best friend.

Bilbo: Sméagol, did you...?

Smèagol: Whenever I wish for someone to be happy, someone else has to suffer as much. That's what it means to be a Ringbearer.

[Tears fall from Sméagol's eyes]

Smèagol: I'm such a fool.

[Sméagol's ring reacts, glowing and distorting the space around it.]

Bilbo: SMÉAGOL!!!

[Annatar watches from some high place.]

Annatar: Ringbearers refer to those who bear rings. And once the bearer falls into despair, they turn into Ringwraiths.
__________
* As used in The Lost Road. Sort of.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Aralathiel, I'm looking forward to your Monty Python version!
...and now for something completely different...
Does anyone want to try their hand at a Black Adder LotR? It could have something like this:

Frodo Blackadder: Now how on Middle-Earth am I to get rid of this confounded ring?

Sam Baldrick: I've got a cunning plan, Mr. B!

FB: Baldrick, I'm sure your plan is about as cunning as the back of a cave troll's neck.

(...or maybe completely different...)

[Elanor]

Lol! Those are fab, especially the Irvine Welsh. I used to live in Dundee, and I can hear the voice in my head reading that style really clearly. Liked the Clockwork Orange version too [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Eowyn of Ithilien]

I love blackadder [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] yes yes...ty for all your stories guys!

[Birdland]

Ooooh, can I play, too?

The Lord of the Rings - by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (19th century author known for his run-on sentences, and for coining the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night.")

It was a dark and pleasant evening when Mr. Bilbo Baggins, fashionably corpulent yet still remarkably well-preserved despite the many years of constant speculation and endless none-too-subtle enquiries regarding both his fiduciary and mental balance, most particularly by diver Sackville-Bagginses fiercely agitated on by the once-lovely yet morosely bitter Lobelia, left town.

[Bekah]

Some extraordinary examples of good writing here.

I need to get off now, but I wanted to be subscripted to this thread.

Cheers,

~ Elentari II

[Mithalwen]

For the benefit of other new arrivals who may be unaware of these delights.. I am awestruck and haven't laughed so much in a long while ... suddenly the unequal struggle with German has become worthwhile...

[Lalwendë]

These are good! I had to have a go myself:

If LOTR had been written in office jargon.

Minutes of the Rivendell Steering Group, 25 October 3018, Conference Room Q.

Attendees:
Elrond - Chairperson (Rivendell)
Gandalf The Grey (Istari Representative)
Bilbo Baggins (The Shire - on secondment to Rivendell)
Frodo Baggins (The Shire)
Glorfindel (Rivendell)
Gloin (Dwarves)
Gimli (Dwarves)
Strider (Independent Representative)
Erestor (Rivendell)
Galdor (Grey Havens)
Legolas (Mirkwood)
Boromir (MinasTirith)

Apologies:
Elladan
Elrohir


1. Minutes from previous meeting
The group discussed events from the South and the wide lands east of the mountains. It was noted that the Ringbearer appeared somewhat distant during this area of discussion and began to pay attention when discussion turned to the matter of the Dwarves events since the last meeting.

2. Agenda Item 1 - Paper on The Forging and Loss of the One Ring (Elrond)
Elrond described to the group the history of the One Ring, further details of which can be found in the paper at Annex A. Boromir raised the issue of the current situation in Gondor and apologised for his late arrival - the 9.15 from Minas Tirith had been delayed for some 110 days. Gandalf asked the Ringbearer to bring forth the ring which prompted discussion between Boromir and Strider.

3. Agenda Item 2 - Paper on The Finding of the One Ring (B. Baggins)
The detail to this paper can be found at Annex B.

4. Agenda Item 3 - Strategy Paper (G. The Grey)
This paper can be found at Annex C. It became apparent to the group from a brainstorming session that S. The White, a former member of the group, has become opposed to the strategic vision of the Rivendell Steering Group. Mr G The Grey presented several options for next action to the group, including retaining the One Ring in the Rivendell vaults and casting it into the oceans. The group discussed all the options available and after much discussion, Elrond utilised power of veto and came to the decision that the ring must be cast into Mount Doom.

Action Point: F. Baggins tasked with destroying the ring.
Deadline: ASAP.

5. Any Other Business
Mr S Gamgee entered the meeting room unexpectedly and offered to assist Mr Baggins in his task.

6. Closing Remarks
Elrond took up his packet of marker pens and made a series of splodges on his Project Plan to identify the milestones which would mark the progress of the quest. The rest of the group followed Mr B Baggins to the canteen for luncheon.

Minutes taken by Arwen Undomiel, Secretary.

[Lostgaeriel]

Oh Lalwendë!

I haven't laughed that hard in an Age!

When considered in a "real" and contemporary context, I'm absolutely amazed that the Council stuck the meeting out to reach any conclusion at all. The way steering committees get run, we should have expected inconclusive meetings going on for months or years - or at least until Sauron arrived to claim the Ring. My respect for Elrond has risen to great heights.

[Bungo Baggins]

LOL. Those are great! I'll have to try to think of some later!

[Son of Númenor]

Frodo awoke with a pounding headache. Standing up, he felt a searing pain shoot down his spine, and realized he had been sleeping on a root. He cursed, and walked drowsily over to where Sam was making a pot of coffee.

"You look like hell," said Sam, pouring him a cup.

"It's the Ring," said Frodo.

In 1976, Mordor Technology Management & Services Inc. had conceived of the One Ring: an electronical manifestation of a fraction of the Dark Lord's being, encoded digitally into a golden band with microconductive properties. The idea of making an evil spirit physically manifest was not new; years before, MelkCom engineers had used type IIb boron-coated diamonds to disseminate their CEO's EVIL (Electronically Viable Inherent Loathsomeness) into the fabric of earth's lithosphere. But MTMS Inc. was taking it to a new level, with sophisticated doping techniques allowing engineers to procure an infinitesimally small electronic encoding of EVIL. In another ten years, dissemination techniques would become obsolete, replaced with extreme concentrations of structurally pure EVIL. The ramifications were huge if this technology became commercially and -- more importantly -- militarily viable.

Frodo knew all of this, of course, being the one who had been hired by Riven Dell Electronics to 'devalue' the Ring -- an industry euphemism for the destruction of a superior technology by a rival company, amounting essentially to corporate hijacking.

Frodo shouldered his pack as he downed the last swig of hot coffee. "Let's get moving," he said. "We should make camp in Bree by 1900 hours."

[Anguirel]

THE RETURN OF THE KING by Evelyn Waugh


"So the ruffians were allowed to surrender, as you promised me?" Frodo Crouchback asked.

Merry De Souza shook his head. "Awfully sorry, old chap. The partisans up at the Smials insisted we shoot them all. After all, they were traitors against the Communist state."

"They'd done nothing wrong," Frodo replied. "The woman in charge of them insisted they were displaced factory workers, nothing more."

"They were a danger to the sovereign power of the Party in the Shire," De Souza replied curtly. "The price they paid was appropriate. Oh, and by the way, there's a telegram...two, actually..."

Frodo took them from De Souza uneasily. The first read:

Crouch End. Rosie has had a son stop. Best wishes sir Sam Gamgee stop.

The second:

Michel Delving War Office. We regret to inform you that a bomb landed on your residence at Bag End yesterday evening, killing all inside except one newborn infant stop.

***

Frodo looked at the baby in horror. "It's...ah..."

"Doesn't look anything like Sam, does it?" the Gaffer growled. "No, everyone knew that girl was carrying Ted Sandyman's child."

"It doesn't matter whose son it is," Frodo answered. "I must bring it up."

"It'll need a mother," the Gaffer observed. At that moment, Pervinca Took walked by. Frodo hung his head in quiet resignation.

Later in the day, he remembered Arwen's jewel, and how it had fallen into a quagmire on the way home. He had feared then for his path to the West. Now, saddled with wife and child, he knew the journey could no longer occur. He only hoped he wouldn't be forced to act as Mayor, now Sam was dead. His shoulder was aching.

***

In Gondor, two gloomy, armoured men sat in a pub. Faramir had lost his seat as Steward of Gondor at the election, to a young Labour candidate. Aragorn had found himself unemployed after the postwar abolition of the Gondorian monarchy.

"Any news from Frodo Crouchback?" he asked.

"Married," Faramir said bitterly. "He's got a grand new house up in Buckland, and a son and heir. He's been appointed Mayor of the Shire in perpetuity for the rest of his life."

"Yes, all in all," Aragorn concluded, "things have turned out very well for Frodo."

[Kuruharan]

And Tuor stood upon the shore, and the sun was like a smoky fire behind the menace of the sky; and it seemed to him that a great wave rose far off and rolled towards the land, but wonder held him, and he remained there unmoved. And the wave came towards him, and upon it lay a mist of shadow. Then suddenly as it drew near it curled, and broke, and rushed forward in long arms of foam; but where it had broken there stood dark against the rising storm a living shape of great height and majesty.

Then Tuor bowed in reverence, for it seemed to him that he beheld a mighty king. A tall crown he wore like silver, from which his hair fell down as foam glimmering in the dusk; and as he cast back the gray mantle that hung about him like a mist, behold! he was clad in a gleaming coat, close-fitted as the mail of a mighty fish, and in a kirtle of deep green that flashed and flickered with sea-fire as he strode slowly towards the land. In this manner the Dweller of the Deep, whom the Noldor name Ulmo, Lord of Waters, showed himself to Tuor son of Huor of the House of Hador beneath Vinyamar.

He set no foot upon the shore, but standing knee-deep in the shadowy sea he spoke to Tuor, and then for the light of his eyes and for the sound of his deep voice that came as it seemed from the foundations of the world, fear fell upon Tuor and he cast himself down upon the sand.

“Tuor, son of Huor,” said Ulmo, “OH DON’T GROVEL!!! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people groveling!!”

“Sorry,” said Tuor, very much crushed.

“AND DON’T APOLOGIZE!!!” roared Ulmo. “Every time I try to talk to somebody it’s always ‘Sorry this’ and ‘Forgive me that’ and ‘I’m not worthy.’ WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!”

“I’m averting my eyes, O Lord,” replied Tuor.

“WELL DON’T!!” boomed Ulmo. “It’s like that miserable Narn it’s going to be so depressing. NOW KNOCK IT OFF!!!”

“Yes Lord,” said Tuor.

“Right,” said Ulmo. “Tuor, son of Huor, you shall have a task to make yourself an example in these dark times.”

“Good idea, Lord,” interrupted Tuor.

“OF COURSE IT’S A GOOD IDEA!!!” roared Ulmo. Tuor was shown a vision of a shining city upon a hill. “Behold, Tuor,” said Ulmo, “this is Gondolin. Look well Tuor for it is your sacred task to seek this city. This is your purpose, Tuor, the Quest to tell Turgon its time to get out of Dodge!”

The waves rolled and it seemed to Tuor that they formed two great curtains. These curtains swept together with a crash and took Ulmo from Tuor’s sight.

“A blessing,” said Arminas, “a blessing from the Lord of Waters!”

“Ulmo be praised!” said Gelmir.

“Aren’t the two of you supposed to be headed south?” asked Tuor. “This is my blessing!!”

[Milady Revenwyn]

I am no good at doing any of this type, but they are freakin' hilarious!

[Estelyn Telcontar]

If lolcats had written LotR: (idea generated by Lush's signature)

Book 1, The Itti Bitti Fellowkitti Committi

Bilbo: Oh hai - I haz berfday, can haz partee?

Gandalf: I r seryus wizard, ring iz evul, you no can keep.

Frodo: I must leeve Shire, destroi Basement Cat's ring.

Sam, Pippin, Merry: Itti bitti kitti committi goes wif u.

Tom Bombadil: I kill hooman who dressed me in blue jackit an yello boots.

Strider: I iz Aracat, son of Arapaw, I goes wif u.

Bill the Pony: Where ma bukkit?

Ringwraiths: We comez from Morrdorr, Basement Cat says mwa-ha-ha!

Frodo: I can haz horsie, 'scape evul riderz?! Kthxbai.


(to be continued - perhaps by others?)

[Aiwendil]

One wonders if that's what LotR would've looked like if Sauron had remained Tevildo Prince of Cats.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

footnote:

Glorfindel: I r 'portant Elf wif vital role - Arwen no can haz!

[Lostgaeriel]

LOTR written as a radio play by Douglas Adams (Author of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy BBC radio series, TV series, 5-book trilogy and Dirk Gently books):

Merry: We’re trapped now, aren’t we?
Pippin: Errrrr…yes, we’re trapped.
Merry: Well, didn’t you think of anything?
Pippin: Oh, yes, but unfortunately it rather involved being on the other side of the tight ring of Orc guards all around us.
Merry: So what happens next?
Pippin: The sun will rise in a moment and we’ll be attacked on all sides by the Riders of Rohan and we’ll die in about thirty seconds.
Merry: So this is it. We’re going to die.
Pippin: Yes…except…No! Wait a minute, what’s this knife?
Merry: What? Where?
Pippin: No, I was only fooling. We are going to die after all.
Merry: You know it’s at times like this, when I’m captured by the Uruk-hai with a hobbit from Tuckborough, and about to die of horrible wounds in a fierce battle that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Pippin: Why, what did she tell you?
Merry: I don’t know, I didn’t listen.
Pippin: Huh! Terrific.

[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

[The Mirrorball Man]

That one was really excellent, Lostgaeriel. Keep'em coming!

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Great, Lostgariel - I'm still laughing!

[Jjudvven]

Good Grief... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Androndo the Thoughtfull]

Very nice!
My favorite author is this one:

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet
hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare,
sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a
hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a
shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a
tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke,
with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished
chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats - the hobbit was fond
of visitors.

[Bruce MacCulloch]

Lord of the Rings
by Charles Dickens

'A happy Birthday, uncle! Elbereth save you!' cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Bilbo's nephew Frodo, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.
`Bah!' said Bilbo, `Humbug!' He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Bilbo's, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and hair on his feet steamed again.
`Our Birthday a humbug, uncle!' said Bilbo's nephew. `You don't mean that, I am sure?'
`I do,' said Bilbo. `Happy Birthday! What right have you to be happy? What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough.'
`Come, then, returned the nephew gaily. `What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're rich enough.'
Bilbo having no better answer ready on the spur of the moment, said `Bah!' again; and followed it up with `Humbug.'

[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Bruce MacCulloch ]

[Mister Underhill]

LotR by Jack London:
~~~~~~~
Samwise did not understand the Common Speech, or he would have known that trouble was brewing, not alone for himself, but for every Shire dog, strong of muscle and furry of foot, from the Far Downs to the Brandywine Bridge. Because a Hobbit, groping in the darkness of the Misty Mountains, had found a yellow Ring, and because Gandalf the Wizard had discovered that the Ring was very dangerous, a Fellowship was setting out for Mordor. This Fellowship wanted dogs, and the dogs they wanted were faithful ones, with strong muscles by which to toil, and keen noses by which to hunt up coneys.

[Lostgaeriel]

Hi there! I'm feeling just great, guys, and I'm glad you got a kick out of the "Guide" version. (Handy to have the Original Radio Scripts to work from. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] )

Bruce MacCulloch - I love the Dickens version! Got any more? [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
Mister Underhill - You made me pull out my childhood copy of The Call of the Wild. Amazingly funny! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Lush]

Alright, now that I'm done LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY:

~~~
The Lord of the Rings by William Faulkner.

"It's them durn rings," Gandalf says. "Sauron's bound to be overtakin' the land with them durn rings. An' if he gits his paws on the One Ring, all hell's bound to break loose. It ain't right."
Frodo stares at the ring.
It looks to him as something new and hard and bright, there ought to be something a little better for it that just being safe, even in Rivendell, since the safe things are just the things that Elves have been doing so long they have worn the edges off and there's nothing to the doing of them that leaves a Hobbit to say, That was not done before and it cannot be done again.
"Guess the durn Ring oughta be destroyed," Frodo says.
"Sho' is," Elrond says.
"Guess I may hafta die doin' it too," Frodo says.
But there's a duty to destroy the Ring, to the beer, the yellow sweet beer boiling through the Shire. Frodo would think of the Ring as he would think of beer and the responsibility they bore in the Shire's face, and of the circumspection necessary because the Ring was the Ring and Sauron was Sauron.
"I reckon it's off to Mordor then, " Frodo says. "If them Shadows come there ain't gonna be no more Shire, and no more beer either. A Hobbit will always help Middle Earth in a tight, if he's got ere a drop of Baggins blood in him."

[Bruce MacCulloch]

Lord of the Rings
by Edgar Allan Poe

And now was acknowledged the presence of the Dark Lord. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the Eldar and the Free Folk in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the White Tree went out with that of the last of the Free. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Will of Sauron held illimitable dominion over all.

[Aralaithiel]

Ok you guys! Here it is at last!
LOTR, by Monty Python
Balrog: Answer these questions 3, or crossing the Bridge of Khazad Duhm you shall not see! What is your name?
Gandalf: Uh, Gandalf, Fire of Anor
Balrog: What is your quest?
Gandalf: To play with hobbits and powerful jewelry.
Balrog: What is your favorite color?
Gandalf: White! No!!! Gray! AAAAHHRRRGGGHHH (falls into shadow after Balrog)

[Bruce MacCulloch]

Lord of the Rings
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (creator of Sherlock Holmes)

Finding that Baggins was too absorbed for conversation, I had tossed aside the barren paper, and, leaning back in my chair I fell into a brown study. Suddenly my companion's voice broke in upon my thoughts.
"You are right, Gamgee," said he. "It does seem a very preposterous way of defeating the Dark Lord."
"Most preposterous!" I exclaimed, and then, suddenly realizing how he had echoed the inmost thought of my soul, I sat up in my chair and stared at him in blank amazement.
"What is this, Baggins?" I cried. "This is beyond anything which I could have imagined."
He laughed heartily at my perplexity.
"You remember," said he, "that some little time ago, when I read you the passage in Bilbo's book, in which Thorin follows the unspoken thoughts of his companion, you were inclined to treat the matter as a mere tour de force of the author. On my remarking that I was constantly in the habit of doing the same thing you expressed incredulity."
"Oh, no!"
"Perhaps not with your tongue, my dear Gamgee, but certainly with your eyebrows. So when I saw you throw down your paper and enter upon a train of thought, I was very happy to have the opportunity of reading it off, and eventually of breaking into it, as a proof that I had been in rapport with you."
But I was still far from satisfied. "In the example which you read to me," said I, "the reasoner drew his conclusions from the actions of the dwarf whom he observed. If I remember right, he got out of the barrel, complained of the smell of apples, and so on. But I have been seated quietly in my chair, and what clues can I have given you?"
"You do yourself an injustice. The features are given to hobbit as the means by which he shall express his emotions, and yours are faithful servants, as you are mine."
"Do you mean to say that you read my train of thoughts from my features?"
"Your features, and especially your eyes. Perhaps you cannot yourself recall how your reverie commenced?"
"No, I cannot."
"Then I will tell you. After throwing down your paper, which was the action which drew my attention to you, you sat for half a minute with a vacant expression. Then your eyes fixed themselves upon your newly framed picture of King Elessar, and I saw by the alteration in your face that a train of thought had been started. But it did not lead very far. Your eyes turned across to
the unframed portrait of Gandalf, which stands upon the top of your books. You then glanced up at the wall, and of course your meaning was obvious. You were thinking that if the portrait were framed it would just cover that bare space and correspond with Elessar's picture over there."
"You have followed me wonderfully!" I exclaimed.
"So far I could hardly have gone astray. But now your thoughts went back to Gandalf, and you looked hard across as if you were studying the character in his features. Then your eyes ceased to pucker, but you continued to look across, and your face was thoughtful. You were recalling the incidents of Gandalf's career. I was well aware that you could not do this without thinking of the mission which we undertook on behalf of the Free Peoples at the time of the War of the Rings, for I remember you expressing your passionate indignation at the way in which he was received by the more complacent of our people. You felt so strongly about it that I knew you could not think of Gandalf without thinking of that also. When a moment later I saw your eyes wander away from the picture, I suspected that your mind had now turned to Black Land, and when I observed that your lips set, your eyes sparkled, and your hands clinched, I was positive that you were indeed thinking of the gallantry which was shown by yourself that desperate mission. But then, again, your face grew sadder; you shook your head. You were dwelling upon the sadness and horror and useless waste of life on the part of the Men of Gondor and Rohan. A smile then quivered on your lips, which showed me that the ridiculous side of Hobbits defeating Sauron had forced itself upon your mind. At this point I agreed with you that it was preposterous, and was glad to find that all my deductions had been correct."
"Absolutely!" said I. "And now that you have explained it, I confess that I am as amazed as before."
"It was very superficial, my dear Gamgee, I assure you. I should not have intruded it upon your attention had you not shown some incredulity the other day. But the evening has brought a breeze with it. What do you say to a ramble through Hobbiton?"

[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Bruce MacCulloch ]

[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Bruce MacCulloch ]

[Birdland]

Originally posted by Bruce MacCulloch:
<STRONG>Lord of the Rings
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (creator of Sherlock Holmes)</STRONG>

Bravo! (But you forgot the pipe. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] )

[Mister Underhill]

Most excellent wonderful!

[Lostgaeriel]

The Lord of the Rings by John Steinbeck (author of The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, East of Eden, The Winter of Our Discontent, etc.)
This version is based on The Red Pony.

His master and Strider the Ranger came in. Sam knew from the sound of the floor that both of them were wearing flat-heeled shoes, but he peered under the table to make sure. His master turned off the oil lamp, for the day had arrived, and he looked stern and disciplinary, but Strider the Ranger didn’t look at Sam at all. He avoided the shy questioning eyes of the young hobbit and soaked a whole piece of toast in his coffee.

Frodo Baggins said crossly, “You come with us after breakfast!”

Sam had trouble with his food then, for he felt a kind of doom in the air. After Strider had tilted his saucer and drained the coffee that had slopped into it, and had wiped his hands on his jeans*, the two friends stood up from the table and went out into the morning light together, and Sam respectfully followed a little behind them. He tried to keep his mind from running ahead, tried to keep it absolutely motionless.

The Gaffer called, “Mr. Frodo! Don’t you let it keep him from gardening.”

They marched past the mallorn, where a singletree hung from a limb to butcher the pigs on, and past the black iron kettle, so it was not a pig killing. The sun shone over the Hill and threw long, dark shadows of the trees and buildings. They crossed a stubble-field to shortcut to the barn. Sam’s master unhooked the door and they went in. They had been walking toward the sun on the way down. The barn was black as night in contrast and warm from the hay and from the beasts. Sam’s master moved over toward the one box stall. “Come here!” he ordered. Sam could begin to see things now. He looked into the box stall and then stepped back quickly.

A red pony was looking at him out of the stall. Its tense ears were forward and a light of disobedience was in his eyes. Its coat was rough and thick as the fur on a hobbit’s foot and its mane was long and tangled. Sam’s throat collapsed in on itself and cut his breath short.

“He needs a good currying,” his master said, “and if I ever hear of you not feeding him or leaving his stall dirty, I’ll sell him off in a minute.”

Sam couldn’t bear to look at the pony’s eyes anymore. He gazed down at his hands for a moment, and he asked very shyly, “Mine?” No one answered him. He put his hand out toward the pony. Its grey nose came close, sniffing loudly, and then the lips drew back and the strong teeth closed on Sam’s fingers. The pony shook its head up and down and seemed to laugh with amusement. Sam regarded his bruised fingers. “Well,” he said with pride – “Well, I guess he can bite all right.” The two friends laughed, somewhat in relief. Frodo Baggins went out of the barn and walked up a side-hill to be by himself, for he was embarrassed, but Strider the Ranger stayed. It was easier to talk to Strider the Ranger. Sam asked again – “Mine?”

Strider became professional in tone. “Sure! That is, if you look out for him and break him right. I’ll show you how. He’s just a colt. You can’t ride him for some time.”

Sam put out his bruised hand again, and this time the red pony let his nose be rubbed. “I ought to have a carrot or a potato,” Sam said. “Where’d we get him, Strider?”

“Bought him at an innkeeper’s auction,” Strider explained. “A nine-ring circus went broke in Bree and had debts. The innkeeper was selling off their stuff.”

The pony stretched out his nose and shook the forelock from his wild eyes. Sam stroked the nose a little. He said softly, “There isn’t a - saddle?”

Strider the Ranger laughed. “I’d forgot. Come along.”

In the harness room he lifted down a little saddle of black morgul leather. “It’s just a wraith saddle,” Strider the Ranger said disparagingly. “It isn’t practical for the brush, but it was cheap at the sale.”

Sam couldn’t trust himself to look at the saddle either, and he couldn’t speak at all. He brushed the shining black leather with his fingertips, and after a long time he said, "It’ll look pretty on him though.” He thought of the grandest thing he knew. “If he hasn’t a name already, I think I’ll call him Gil-galad the Elven-king,” he said.

Strider the Ranger knew how he felt. “It’s a pretty long name. Why don’t you just call him Gil? That means star. That would be a fine name for him.” Strider felt glad. “If you will collect tail hair, I might be able to make a hair rope for you sometime. You could use it for a hackamore.”

* Just picture Viggo in a pair of 501s and you’ll understand why I didn’t change this word. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

[Elven-Maiden]

Bravo! Love the Star Trek ones! The Steinbeck one was very well done too! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Gayahithwen]

my fav is the Monty Python one. I might do one Monty Python myself, sooner or later.. But it's not that certain.. anyway, all is excellent!

[Birdland]

Bravo for the Steinbeck take-off! That touch with the mallorn tree being used for the hog butchering was great. Appealed to my sick sense of humor.

Awwww, Sam got a pony!

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Birdland ]

[Tarlondeion Of Gondolin]

Hilarious, I'm gonna write one myself. Maybe A Father Ted One (dunno who wrote Father Ted)
You should get them on the fan fiction thing, so that generations can read them and laugh! The funniest thread ever and the first long one I've ever read properley. Hilarious!!!!

[NotHomeYet]

Another Star Wars idea....


Arwen: What are you doing?!

Aragorn: I have to fight off these orcs! You get back to the horses!

Arwen: Well, he certainly is brave.

Frodo: He won't be any good to us if he gets himself killed.

Aragorn: Hurry up, or you're gonna be a permanent resident! Get back to the horses!

Arwen: But don't you think we should figure out-

Aragorn: I am not interested in discussing this with a committe!

Arwen: I AM NOT A COMMITTE!!!!!

*they mount the horses*

Arwen: *looking up* *screams*

Aragorn: What?!

Arwen: There's something up there. Up there, past the clouds.

Aragorn: What do you mean, "something"?

Arwen: I don't know!

Aragorn: Well, I'm gonna go check it out.

Arwen: Argh! Then I'm going with you!!!

Frodo: Wait, it's giving off a transmission!

Merry: I am fluent in over six million forms of communitcation, but this code I am not familiar with.

Pippin: Dee beep whirr boop ding beep.

Sam: Hrrrrrnnnn! Roaooaor!

[Daisy Sandybanks]

Oh my God! I absolutly LOVE these! They're hilarious!! I especially love the one by Gene Roddenbury, that one was great! I am a hugh Star Trek fan, so naturally I love that one.... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Gorothlammothiel]

You people/elves/hobbits/dwarves/etc are very talented and very amusing......please continue......... [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Elven-Maiden]

I loved that Star Wars one! Merry and Pipin were great! I'd write one, but I just can't think of any....