Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

[Amarantha_Daisy]

2 - Bilbo says, "I cook better than I cook, if you know what I mean".

*laughs* I love that line! It's one of my favorites.

"Themselves they named Khazad, but the Sindar called them Naugrim, the Stunted People,"

That's from the Silmarillion, and I don't think it was meant to be funny, but that whole "Stunted People" thing makes me laugh. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Silly dwarves...

[ August 15, 2003: Message edited by: Amarantha_Daisy ]

[Firnantoonion]

I like the sentence wich merry says during the scouring of the shir: if i knew this, I had stuffed my tobacco-sac into Saruman's throat... just imagina an angry hobbit doing this [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

also the game legolas and Gimli are playing at Helm's deep is funny, but it really is Gimli who wins Kaiserin.

[Nerindel]

Here is two I found amusing from my favourite chapter in the hobbit: Inside information

'I've done it! This will show them. More like a grocer than a burgar, indeed! Well, we'll hear no more of that.'

Bilbo after he steals the cup from Smaug [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

'I am he that buries his friends alive and drowns them and draws them alive again from water.I came from the end of a bag, but no bag went over me.'

hehehe Bilbo again, ok! ok! I admit it I just love the whole Bilbo and Smaug riddling talk [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] (the only right way to speak to a dragon of course [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] )

[TheSquireof Aragorn]

This may have been mentioned already but I love this line-Bilbo"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." Also the scene where Merry is inquiring about his pack that he thinks has been lost in the Battle of Pellenor Fields, and Aragorn plays around with him.

[Lush]

As Aragorn & Co. are about to set out on the Paths of the Dead, to get the "forgotten people" to aid them:

Gimli, quite deadpan: "I hope that the forgotten people will not have forgotten how to fight...for otherwise I see not why we should trouble them."

[Gilbo]

I've always liked the meeting with Ghan-Buri-Ghan when he says(not exact) Me think the Seakings eat stone. Remarking on the Numenorean building crafts. (TTT is my favorite book)
Ent draughts; Quickbeam; Treebeards references to Saruman, post flooding; hobbits at Orthanc; so much more.
Movies: after setting off the dragon rocket, Merry and Pip, faces blackenned like a LooneyTune cartoon, saying "Let's get another!"
M&P at the Pony,"That is a Pint!" "I'm getting one!"
[img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[Neferchoirwen]

When Saruman proclaimed himself as "Saruman of many colors"

...and in a deadpan look I imagine Gandalf to have on his face, he says:

"I thought white sounded better."

...or something of the sort.

I pictured it in my head as a funny cartoon scene, with a super villain maniacally praising himself.

[Boromir88]

Well here's mine from the movies, both happen to be from ROTK, I love how Theoden sort of beats around the bush with Eowyn.

Theoden: I have left you instructions, the people shall follow your rule in my sted. Take up my seat in the Golden Hall, long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill.

I love it, it's basically Theoden telling Eowyn that famous saying "stay back and GUARD the fort." Lol.

And Theoden basically giving Merry as slap in the face.

Theoden to Merry: None of my riders can bare you as a burden.

Wow Theoden you are so kind and gentle.

As for the Book goes. I would have to say the conversation between Gildor and Frodo.

Three is company
"The meaning of it fair people," said Frodo, "is simply that we seem to be going the same way as you are. I like walking under the stars. But I would welcome your company."
"But we have no need of other company, and hobbits are so dull," they laughed. "And how do you know that we go the same way as you, for you do not know whither we are going?"

I love Gildor's response, "hobbits are dull." It's the first time we get to see other races make jokes about the hobbits, and the Elves ignorance here first shows.

Also, from Three is Company

Gildor was silent for a moment. "I do not like this news," he said at last. "That Gandalf should be late, does not bode well. But it is said: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger...
"And it is also said," answered Frodo: "Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will will say both no and yes."

So there Frodo get's a jab back at Gildor, for the "hobbits are dull comment." And at the end of the match we have a tie, Gildor: 1 Frodo: 1, it will be judges decision...

[Encaitare]

I just read "Farmer Giles of Ham" and I loved this line:

He was a grammarian, and could doubtless see farther into the future than others.

[Mad Baggins]

There are two from Return of the King that always tickle my fancy:

And he will tell you that he did no know that the herd you desire had any virtues...and after adding a few half-forgotten rhymes that he does not understand, he will regretfully inform you that there is none in the House, and he will leave you to reflect on the history of tongues.

Said Aragorn to Merry of the herb-master.

Was there ever any one like him?...Except Gandalf of course. I think they must be related.

A quote from Pippin (speaking of Aragorn) that makes me laugh every time I read it.

[Tuor of Gondolin]

Smaug the sardonic worm has several good lines,
including: "You have good manners for a thief and a liar."

And Bilbo:

Poor Bilbo couldn't bear it any longer. At 'may never return' he began to feel a shriek coming up inside, and very soon it burst out like the whistle of an engine coming out of a tunnel....the poor little hobbit could be seen kneeling on the hearthrug, shaking like a jelly that was melting. Then he fell flat on the floor, and kept calling out "struck by lightning, struck by lightning!" over and over again

and

Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!

And Gandalf and Thorin:

"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along. "To look ahead," said he. "And what brought you back in the nick of time?" "Looking behind," said he.

That's all for now, so thag you very buch.

[Gashberz]

My favorite from the books (and yes this was in the movie too) was the argument over the potatoes that sam and gollum had.

-cheers

P.S. I've been gone for 2 months but I'm back from madrid!!!! (it was awesome).

[rutslegolas]

Madrid ,thats really cool.

ya mine favourite was the one when Smaug says " you have good manners for a thief and a liar".

that was really funny

[Meneltarmacil]

I'm sorry if it's not word-for-word but:

BILBO: Good morning.

GANDALF: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean to say that it is a good morning whether I want one or not, or that you feel good this morning, or that it is a morning to be good on?

Did Gandalf not have his coffee that morning or something?

And also:

"You can't expect folk to stop here forever just to be eaten by you and Bert"

And the fact that trolls absolutely detest the sight of dwarves...uncooked, that is.

[doug*platypus]

Too Long Among the Horses

"Nay, nay!" said Elfhelm.

Another good one from the knight of Rohan when Merry asks him what is afoot:

"Anything that can keep so in this devil's mirk!"

Nassty Seagulls Precious

From the start of The Last Debate when Legolas is talking about his trip up the Anduin:

and as he gazed he saw white sea-birds beating up the river.

I can just picture those nasty birds squawking and hitting it with their wings! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 4:06 PM January 07, 2004: Message edited by: doug*platypus ]

[Leyrana Silumiel]

Hi! Newbie!

Anyway, my favorite lines come from the History of the Lord of the Rings, Book Two, The Treason of Isengard. This part was actually originally cut from LOTR, and I think it should have stayed in (they're on the mountain of Caradhras):

"But how are WE to get through this drift, even if we ever get as far as the turn?" asked Pippin, voicing the thoughts of all the hobbits.

"It's a pity," said Legolas, "that Gandalf cannot go before us with a bright flame, and melt us a path."

"It is a pity that Elves cannot fly over mountains, and fetch the Sun to save them," said Gandalf. "Even I need something to work on. I cannot burn snow. But I could turn Legolas into a flaming torch, if that will serve: he would burn bright while he lasted."

"Spare me!" cried Legolas. "I fear that a dragon is concealed in the shape of our wizard. Yet a tame dragon would be useful at this hour."

"It will be a wild dragon, if you say any more," said Gandalf.


I just LOVE the friendly banter between these two; I think Tolkien should have had more of this to show the friendship between the Nine Walkers.

[Guinevere]

[img]smilies/eek.gif[/img] [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] What?! But that is not from the book!!!
I mean, some parts are, but others are made up by I don't know who!
Gandalf never says anything about wanting to use Legolas as a torch, and the words about dragons are fake also!

[Leyrana Silumiel]

I hope you're kidding. If not, here's where I got it from: the box-set called The History of the Lord of the Rings. It's a three book segment (and a really skinny fourth book) from the Histories of Middle-Earth series. I got it for Christmas, and I was reading it. That part got edited, and I thought they should have left the dragon thing and the torch thing in. Those were funny!

In my opinion (which usually doesn't count), Tolkien should have left more of this in, mainly because it showed the fellowship and how they interacted with each other. Eh. That's just me, though.

[The Dark Elf]

I think PJ added something for Gimli in TTT. Him standing on the wall at Helm's Deep and Legolas asking "Shall I describe the scene to you or should I get you a box?"

Also in TTT EE I love the scene after the victory at Helm's Deep. I can't remember what number Legolas was up to (the kill count) but Gimli had one more. Suddenly Legolas draws his bow and shoots the dead orc Gimli was sitting on. Gimli says "He was already dead!" Legolas responds by saying "He was twitching." Gimli shouts back "That's because he has my axe embedded in his nervous system!" After he says that, he pushes down on his axe and you see the dead orc's arms and legs fly up. [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

[Thorongil]

One of the funniest lines (after my opinion)is Bilbo in his speech:

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

I like where Gimli says "Toss me, but don't tell the elf."
Aragorn responds "I won't"

[The Saucepan Man]

Thisis just a reminder that this thread is for discussion of the funniest lines that Tolkien wrote, rather than those written by the script-writing team on the films. There are a number of threads in the Movies forum where you can post your favourite lines from the films.

[Lyta_Underhill]

One line that springs to mind right away if from TTT "Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit":

(Ranger of Ithilien)"Elves do not walk in Ithilien in these days, and Elves are wondrous fair to look upon." (Sam) "Meaning we're not, I take you."

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Cheers!
Lyta

[Morgul Queen]

My turn [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

It's a shame some of the lines were cut from LotR. *sighs* I always thought that Legolas getting hit by an arrow in Khazad-dum makes more sense that him simply dropping the bow...ah, well.

the simple idea of Trotter, however, is enough to set me off giggling. The clog-wearing ranger-hobbit! *snerks*

Anywho...

'The Wolf that one hears is worse than the Orc that one fears.'
'True!' said Aragorn, loosening his sword in its sheath. 'But where the Warg howls, there also the Orc prowls.'

The fact that they rhyme is more than enough to give me a bout of giggles, not to mention...

'Gandalf,' the old man repeated, as if recalling from old memory a long disused word. 'Yes, that was the name. I was Gandalf.'

*shakes head* He's impossible!

[Arwen Evenstar]

Sorry if this has already been posted!

"What`s the use to sniff? The smell `bout knocks me down with my nose held. You stink, and the master stinks, and the whole place stinks!" "Yes, yes and Sam stinks!"

or some where along those lines (this is a fight between Sam and Gollum.

I also liked, in RotK, when Gollum/Smeagol is talking to himself, and Gollum says, "All she get`s is nasty orcses." "And they dosen`t taste very nice, does they precious?"
There were a WHOLE lot more that I like, but I would be here all night if I posted them all! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Armetiel]

Aragorn and Legolas rode with Eomer in the van. (I love the mental image you get with that one lol)

From UT. Thorin to Gandalf: Either some foresight is upon you, or you are merely crazed.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:51 AM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Armetiel ]

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 2:18 AM January 27, 2004: Message edited by: Armetiel ]

[Arwen Evenstar]

Legolas and Gimli rode with Aragorn in the van.(

I came upon that again, while reading The Two Towers for about the 3rd a couple weeks ago and couldn`t stop laughing, which was bad because I was in band and supposed to be watching the stupid movie. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]
I also love the part where one of the soldiers trip over Merry, and start cursing the tree roots. Merry tells him that he is not a tree root (or bag), but a very bruised hobbit. When the soldier leaves, He says something like, "Farewell, Master Bag!"
[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 7:35 PM January 21, 2004: Message edited by: Arwen Evenstar ]

[Elanor the Fair]

I would have to say that when Merry is in bed after defeating the King of the wraiths, and you don't know if he will live. He wakes up and says" I'm hungry, what is the time?'.

I laughed for and hour after that. I'm not quite sure why... Oh well, I still think that it is very funny!

[Arwen Evenstar]

In The Fellowship of the Ring, just after Bilbo leaves, Gandalf comes to the door and knocks, but Frodo dosen`t answer because he`s afraid it`s Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Gandalf replies to this by saying

Frodo, if you do not open this door and let me in, I shall blow it down your hole and out through the hill!

or something like that. It sounds funny that way, but if you think of it a different way... [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Donlammenion]

Hello all, sorry if this has been posted prior to now (i only read the first two boards)

I think Gimli has a good few one liners:

Gimli FoTR: "No body tosses a dwarf" followed immediatly by the classic "Not the beard"

Then in a complete reversal in TTT at helms deep,
Gimli whispers "Toss me"
Aragaun replies "What"
Gimli "Toss ME" pause "But dont tell the elf"

I apologise if the next quote is not word for word but i hope it gives you the jist.

Gimli "Unbeatable odds, Certain death, Well what are we waiting for"

Just a few i'm sure theres many more [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Finwe]

Arwen! You naughty naughty Elfling, you! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

I'm afraid to admit that I had a similar perception of that comment. Needless to say, it caused a great deal of side-clutching laughter that garnered more than a few strange looks from the old lady sitting next to me (I was reading this on a bus).