Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

[Tigerlily Gamgee]

Sam's Oliphaunt poem cracks me up!!!
Also, almost any exchange between him and Gollum is pretty amusing as well! Especially when he spells out po-ta-toes!

[Rumil]

THE funniest line (and I defy you to better this one) is by Celeborn

'But do not despise the lore that has come down from distant years; for oft it may chance that old wives keep in memory word of things that once were needful for the wise to know'

(just consider who was standing next to C)

[Isowen]

This ones from the film; when the fellowship (minus gandalf) enter Lothlorien and Celeborn says "The dwarf breathes so loudly, we could have shot him in the dark."

[Morsul the Dark]

Kili's "Ah I smell frsh cut bread and butter!"

[ninlaith]

I've always liked Merry or Pippin's line, terribly sorry I can't remember which, when the Uruk-hai make camp: "Well...where's bed and breakfast?" or something to that extent.

Gimli: Dwarfs are natural sprinters...very dangerous at short distances.

And my all time favourite is Bilbo's line which is my signature. I love it so much I used it as my Senior quote in the highschool yearbook.

[Encaitare]

The one that's fun to say in a pansy-ish moan is Legolas's "Ai! A Balrog is come!"

And from rereading LotR more recently, I think I've begun to appreciate Tolkien's droll sort of humor. One thing that made me laugh was a quote from the last chapter of RotK (I believe) and it says something along the lines of,

"And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except for those who had to mow the grass."

as if mowing the grass is some kind of great hardship. ::chuckles to self::

[mark12_30]

Recently I read The Hobbit out loud, and what we found very funny was how important the food was to Bilbo and the dwarves, and how it was always being sabotaged-- getting rained on, or dunked in rivers, or lost, or stolen by goblins or just plain run-out-of in Mirkwood; and how often Bilbo was, therefore, HUNGRY. Any description of a catastrophe always ended with, "And of course" (something bad happened to the food.)

A few of Frodo's wonderful lines: "I don't carry water in my pockets."
In Cirith Ungol: "Have you inquired about Inns along the way?"

Boromir's line about Rauros: "What shall we do then, leap down the falls and land in the marshes?" (Boromir had several funny lines.)

Gimli to Merry and Pippin at Isengard: "And here we find you sitting in the middle of dinner, and smoking. Smoking! Where did you get the pipe weed, you villians?"

[ August 15, 2002: Message edited by: mark12_30 ]

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

When Merry was in the hospital at Gondor, looking for his bag.

Pippin: My dear *** , your pack is lying by your bed, and you had it on your back when I met you.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Yes, that Gollum was certainly a witty chap. Though he probably didn't realise it.

Whenever someone wishes that a Dwarf's beard may grow longer (which happens frequently) it is most amusing.

[BeeBombadil]

My favorite funny line is from Legolas


"Aaiiii, a Balrog!"

[Joy]

Rumil, the Celeborn line was just hilarious! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] ROTFLMBFHO!

[Raefindel]

"Curse their foul feet!" Haldir, when the orcs walked through Nimrodel.


Gimli -"There is more than one (horse) coming!"
Gandalf- "Yes! We are too great a burden for one!"


And of course,my favorite, the afore mentioned "I don't carry water in my pockets!"

[Merri]

1) This is when Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf discover Merry and Pippin and start asking them lots of questions (in The Two Towers) "One thing you have not found in your hunting, and that's brighter wits"- that's Pippin.

2) "You don't know your danger, Theoden, These hobbits will sit on the dge of ruin and discuss the pleasures of the table, or the small doings of their fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers and remoter cousins to the ninth degree, if you encourage them with undue patience."-Gandalf

3)"Are we riding far tonight, Gandalf? I don't know how you feel with a small rag-tag dangling behind you; but the rag-tag is tired and will be glad to stop dangling and lie down."- Merry

4)Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger
Pippin: But our whole life for months has been one long meddling in the affairs of Wizards!

5)Pippin: All right! . . . I know I can't have it, with old Gandalf sitting on it, like a hen on an egg. But it doesn't help much to get no more from you than a you-can't-have-it so go-to-sleep!
Merry: Well, what else could I say? I'm sorry, Pippin, but you really must wait until the morning. I'll be as curious as you like after breakfast, and I'll help in anyway I can at wizard-wheedling. But I can't keep awake any longer. If I yawn any more, I shall split at the ears. Good night!

6: Sam: Not a bird!
Gollum: No, no birds. Nice birds! No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,

7) Sam: What's the need to sniff? The stink nearly knocks me down with my nose held. You stink, and the master stinks; the whole place stinks.
Gollum: Yes, yes, and Sam stinks!!

ha. That's enough for today. Those quotes set me off in hysterical laughter for . . . hm, a long time. They're all from The Two Towers. But my fingers ache now. Bah.

I LOVE QUOTES!! MWAHAHAHA!!!

[ August 18, 2002: Message edited by: Merri ]

[Raefindel]

Those were good Merri. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Birdland]

I actually found a line in the Silmarillion that made me laugh.

The set-up: Yavanna is miffed at her husband, Aulë because his creation, the Dwarves, liked to chop down trees. So Yavanna asks for, and gets, "The Shepherd of the Trees". In other words, the Ents.

She goes tripping back to Aulë and says: "Now let thy children (dwarves) beware! For there shall walk a power in the forests whose wrath they will arouse at their peril (Ents)."

Aulë just looks at her and says: "Nonetheless, they will have need of wood."

(Dead silence. Someone coughs.)

...OK, I guess you had to be there.

[Nar]

Good one, Birdland! I fell in love with Aule based on that quote.

Bregalad to Pippin and Merry:
'I am Bregalad, that is Quickbeam in your language. ... They have called me that ever since I said yes to an elder Ent before he had finished his question.'

[ August 18, 2002: Message edited by: Nar ]

[mark12_30]

Aragorn in the houses of healing:
"Master Meriadoc, if you think that I have passed through the mountains and the realm of Gondor with fire and sword to bring herbs to a careless soldier who throws away his gear, you are mistaken. If your pack has not been found, then you must send for the herb-master of this house. And he will tell you that he did not know that the herb you desire has any virtues, but that it is called westmansweed by the vulgar, and galenas by the noble, and other names in other tongues more learned, and after adding a few half-forgotten rhymes that he does not understand, he will regretfully inform you that there is none in the house, and he will leave you to reflect on the history of tongues. And so now must I."

[Ringwraith Number Two]

This really made me laugh, when Faramir first met the Hobbits, and his men are discussing what they could possible be:

"Not Orcs," said another, releasing the hilt of his sword, which he had seized when he saw the glitter of Sting in Frodo's hand.
"Elves?" said a third, doubtfully.
"Nay! Not Elves," said the fourth, the tallest, as it appeared the chief among them. "Elves do not walk in Ithilien in these days. And Elves are wondrous fair to look upon, or 'tis said."
"Meaning we're not, I take you," said Sam.

I made my brother read it too [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[keverzwijn]

I love it when Sam whispers "fissssh" in Gollum's ear to check if he's asleep. Gollum does alot o'funny stuff too. I hope they use that in the movie. [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[MallornLeaf]

<font color="aqua">I love the part when Grishnakh is pawing at Merry and Pippin for the ring and pippin starts...
"my precioussss. gollum"

and I agree w/ BeeBombadil... they cut one of the best lines out of the movie when they didn't have Legolas say "Ai! Ai! a balrog!"

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I love those Gollum ones!!!!!! They're all good. I like the Aragorn one too!

[Rumil]

Thanks for the appreciation Joy

My boss Celeborn, what a guy! Perhaps Galadriel's ad in the Doriath singles column went; 'seeking tall male Sindar with GSOH, must be non-pushy and like strong women'

Sorry to be ignorant, but I'm intrigued to know what ROTFLMRFHO means???

Anyway, as a general point, how do people think the various races' sense of humour works out?

Elves - dry, witty and subtle
Hobbits - cheery but a bit rustic
Men - well most of you should know!
Orcs - frankly nasty
Dwarves - can't think of a Dwarven joke, revealing no?

[Elendur]

I like the trolls conversation.

Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey if we aint eatin mutton tomorrow. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] That is not exact.

[Arwen Imladris]

Old Man: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Merry: No, no the big one, big one
Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a ring and a dark lord and something about the end of the world. But please Mister Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anythin' --unnatural.
Sam: I have been droppin no eves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.
Sam: Heh! Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!
Elrond: No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.
Pippin and Merry: Wait! We are coming too!
Merry: You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Pippin: Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing.
Merry: Well that rules you out Pip.
Frodo: <looks back> Go back Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are, and I'm coming with you!


O.K. THat is enough for now

[Aiwendil]

There are many good ones in The Hobbit:

When Bilbo says 'Struck by lightning, struck by lightning.' "And that was all they could get out of him for a very long time."

The "Burrahobbit" and "Yes, lots . . . no, none at all."

Gollum's final guess - "String or nothing!".

Also, Gandalf's method for getting Beorn to let 15 people stay at his house.

One of my favorites from LotR is Sam's: "Eavesdropping Sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End, and that's a fact." I can't believe they changed that line in the movie.

[Luinsewiel]

My favorite Quote is the one in my Signature. I started laughing out loud when I read it!

[doug*platypus]

Morgoth: likes violence - not just as a friend?

Forgive me...

Thus he came alone to Angband's gates, and he sounded his horn, and smote once more upon the brazen doors, and challenged Morgoth to come forth to single combat. And Morgoth came.

i think this is a funny line: "But anyway, my dear hobbit, don't put a lump of rock under my elbow again!" -Gandalf to Pippin

[Lindolirian]

And while you've been trespassing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, thouhg what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!

Every time I read that I get a great mental image of Sam growling and chasing a very frightened Nazgul up a mountain, and the Gaffer complaining about his potatoes down below.

[Alphaelin]

From The Hobbit:

The bit where Bilbo complains to Thorin about the size of the Dwarves' hoard: "I should want hundreds of years to bring it all up, if I was fifty times as big and Smaug as tame as a rabbit!"

And from TTT:

Legolas, trying to deduce how Merry & Pippin escaped the destruction of the Orcs just outside Fangorn: "Being pleased with his skill, he then sat down and quietly ate some waybread! That at least is enough to show that he was a hobbit, without the mallorn leaf."

(I cannot *believe* that line wasn't in the movie!!)

[doug*platypus]

When Bilbo is making his farewell speech:

This was the sort of stuff they liked. Short and obvious.

I love hobbits, they're so funny! Maybe because I know so many. There are times when I've thought the inhabitants of Palmerston North too stupid and dull for words.

[Daewen]

Hm...I think that the second book was defendetly the funniest. I was laughing when Legolas and Gimli started having that little orc killing contest.

[Keeper of Dol Guldur]

I always enjoyed it when Saruman shouted;
"I am Saruman of Many Colors!"
Then Gandalf replied (very much sarcastically
"I liked white better."

[Gorwingel]

The Saurman of many colors part is great, that is one I love. Another is of course anything that has to do with Legolas and Gimli counting how many orcs they have killed during Helm's Deep, I actually laughed while I was reading that [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ January 02, 2003: Message edited by: Gorwingel ]

this has been brought up before, but i think Gimli and Emoer are the best when they are talking to each other about the lady of the golden wood.
when they first meet:

Gimli rose and planeted his feet firmly apart: his hand gripped the handle of his axe, and his dark eyes flashed. " give me your name horse master and i will give you mine, and more besides"

Emoer does some postering and introduces him self and gimily replies

then Emoer son of Eomoud, Third marshal of the riddermark let Gimli the Dwarf Golin's son warn you against follish words. you speak ill of of that which is fair beyond the reach of your thought and only little wit can excuse you" to which Emoer replys " i would cut off your head, beard and all, Master dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground

when the parly breaks up and they head for entwood

(Gimly) " And i will come, too, the matter of the lady lies still between us. i have yet to teach you gentle speach"
(Emoer" we shall see,so many strange thins have chanced that to learn the praise of a fair lady under the loving strokes of a dwarf's axe will seem no great wonder"

i also like the finish of this conversation but as it has been posted before i will skip it.

[Sindae]

Well one of my favourite lines in LotR is when Aragorn asks Mr. Butterbur:
"Then who would you take up with? A fat Innkeeper who only remembers his own name because people shout it at him all day?"

[Raefindel]

I love that one, too, Sindae. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Afrodal Fenyar]

"Go not to the elves for councel, for they will say both no and yes" - Sorry, haven't got the english version, and I can't remember that exactly.

"To sheep each sheep no doubt look different, and to shepherds, but mortals have not been our study" - Give the correct versions of these, if these have not yet been brought up in this topic..

[Finiel]

1. This one’s from The Hobbit after the Trolls were turned to stone.
Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?
Gandalf: To look ahead.
Thorin: And what brought you back in the nick of time?
Gandalf: Looking behind.
Thorin: Exactly!

(I love Gandalf’s one-liners)

2. “Would this be any good?” Bilbo asked ,holding a large key, when the dwarves got tired and angry from pushing the cave door of the trolls and Gandalf had tried (in vain) so many incantations.
“Why on earth didn’t you mention it before?!” they cried.

3. Legolas:“A plague on Dwarves and their stiff necks!”
Legolas said when Gimli drew his axe from his belt in protest of being blindfolded in entering Lorien in FOTR.
Aragorn: Come! If I am still to lead this Company, you must do as I bid. It is hard upon the Dwarf to be thus singled out. We will all be blindfolded, even Legolas.
Legolas: I am an Elf and a kinsman here!
Aragorn: Now let us cry: ‘a plague on the stiff necks of Elves!

4. Legolas: If Gandalf would go before us with a bright flame, he might melt path for you.
Gandalf: If Elves could fly over mountains, they might fetch the Sun to save us.

4. Legolas:
“The strongest must seek a way, say you? But I say: let a ploughman plough, but choose an otter for swimming, and for running light over grass and leaf, or over snow-- an Elf.”

I don’t know about you guys but they made me laugh. heehee
[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[peonydeepdelver]

ok this isn't exactly something that someone says but it's funny how tokien describes it. (it's in the two towers, book 4, near the end of ch. 2)
"The gasping pools were choked with ash and crawling muds, sickly white and grey, as if the mountains had vomited the filth of their entrails upon the lands about."
I was cracking up earlier, and my dad was staring at me like I was crazy. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]