New Movie Script

[Sleepy Ranger]

Then we're on to ROTK...

And I bagged the WK death scene...

[Oddwen]

Thank you once again, Elennar!

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo.

Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."

"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."

Seriously, Menel, Sleepy and Nilp good jobs! My attention was especially drawn to this paragraph:

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

HA HA HAAAAAA!!! HAHAHAAHAAAhem. Sorry, bloodlust finds me rolling on the floor. And then I got the image of Merry and the m-16...oh that's priceless. Hee hee...

Anyway. Good jobs, keep 'em up! Gotta go!

[Kransha]

-Refugees Arriving-

*Eowyn and the refugees filing into Helm's Deep*

Eowyn: C'mon, I don't have all day.

Boy: (jumping up and down), HEY, LOOK EVERYONE! It's me, some random kid of one of the cast and crew who used nepotism to get a cameo in this movie. HELLOO! NOTICE ME!

Eowyn: Shut up *chops off boy's head*

Eowyn: Glad that's over. I hate random cameos. Makes me want to join the PETA...Well, not really.

Woman: Who are you talking to?

Eowyn: Myself.

Woman: Okaaaaay *turns around and conceals a very loud laugh*

Somebody off camera: THE WARRIORS ARE RETURNING!

*Theoden and his troop ride into Helm's Deep*

Theoden: Hello, hello, how's it shakin'? Had a very good day, killing orcs, wargs, fangirls, a rabid lemur, and eating a lot. By the way, Aragorn fell off a cliff. Bye.

Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Theoden: Shut up *chops off fangirls head*

Eowyn: But where is lord Aragorn?

Theoden: I just told you, he's-

Gimli: (interrupting) He fell.

Legolas: Oh, you just had to say that. You're only serious line in the movie. I'm very impressed.

Gimli: Shut up, pointy ear!

Legolas: Half pint!

Gimli: Blondie!

Legolas: Beardie!

Fangirls: ARAGOOOOOOOOORN!

Warg: Ya know, he's not really dead. It's just a plot device.

Legolas: How'd you get here?

Warg: Like I said, plot device.


-Back to Aragorn in his perilous situation-

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 8:57 AM February 06, 2004: Message edited by: Kransha ]

[Nimrothiel]

-Aragorn in his perilous situation-

*Aragorn has hit the water, which is much deeper than it looks; an odd yellow object with five people in it approaches him*

George: "What is it?"

Ringo: "Well lads, it looks human."

John: "Well then, who is it?"

Paul: "We won't know that unless we send someone out there."

Young Fred: "I don't know if you want to do that lads, the Sea of Science-Fiction is a very dangerous place."

John: "We're not in a sea, we're in a river."

Young Fred: "Who's the mariner, you or me?"

George: "Let's not fight lads, we still need to send someone out there to help that poor bloke; I think he's drowning."

Ringo: "Right then, I'll go."

*he dons a scuba suit and exits the sub*

Paul: "He seems to be doing pretty well out there; he's got the stranger."

*Ringo comes back to the sub; Puff the Magic Dragon swims up behind him*

All in sub: "Watch out!"

*Ringo turns around and sees Puff; he begins swimming as fast as he can to the sub.*

Puff (singing): "Little Jackie Paper, loved that rascal Puff..."

John: "Look at that, a singing dragon."

*Ringo reaches the sub with Aragorn just before Puff reaches him; disappointed, Puff swims away*

Ringo: "Well, that was a close one. Take a look at this bloke; he's an odd one now, isn't he?"

John: "Never seen a bloke with a sword like he's wearing."

Paul: "I've never seen a bloke wearing a sword."

George: "Should we take him with us, do you think?"

Ringo: "No, I think he came from a place above the water; he probably wants to go back there."

Young Fred: "But the longer we take here, the less chance we have of stopping the Blue Meanies!"

Paul: "Relax, this won't take long."

*John surfaces the sub, Ringo and Paul lay Aragorn on the river bank*

Paul: "See? Someone's bound to find him; I think he was just starting to come out of it."

Young Fred: "Well, let's get going, we have to stop the Blue Meanies!"

*the sub submerges; Aragorn stirs and catches a glimspe of it, as well as Puff's head*

Aragorn: "This is a dream..."

*he is suddenly in the house of Elrond with Arwen; who is dressed in a tye-dye robe and rose tinted glasses*

Arwen: "Then it is a groovy dream. Sleep."

Okay, someone else can take it from here.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:52 AM February 06, 2004: Message edited by: Nimrothiel ]

[Meneltarmacil]

ARWEN: *kisses Aragorn*

ARAGORN: *snort* Wha? Huh?

*wakes up and realizes he's just kissed a horse*

ARAGORN: *pushes horse away and gets up, spitting water out of his mouth* Geez, this is the second time this has happened to me in one day... Now why is the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" stuck in my head, I wonder?

Next scene is Arwen leaving for the Grey Havens, then a Galadriel voice-over, then the scene cuts to Frodo, Sam, and Faramir if I remember correctly. Also, don't worry about the Treebeard scenes, just leave them to me... [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[Sleepy Ranger]

Um, I've got a request can I do the Eowyn/WK/Merry scene when we reach there?

[Meneltarmacil]

Certainly, Sleepy Ranger, but just be sure to include Merry using the M16 he stole from Aragorn earlier.

I appear to have goofed. The next scene is where Saruman sends out his army, then the beginning of Entmoot, then Aragorn scene that's already been written, then the scene where Arwen leaves. Next is a Galadriel voice-over, and we pick up where Frodo, Sam and Faramir left off.

[Oddwen]

If ya doon't mahnd, Iy-ll trie tae doe thoe Aeoriwen floeshbeck scenches...uh, yeah.

Eowyn: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?

Aragorn: Uhh.....what woman? This is from Gimli.

E: But, it's too graceful for Dwarven-smithery.

A: I dunno what you're talking about.

E: And when do male dwarves start giving jewelry to other men?

Gimli: Male? Oh, please, you silly girl.

E: *gulp*


(If that fits in anywhere...if not...)


*Scene: Theoden and Gamling are pacing the walls, preparing for battle*

Theoden: Mm-hmm. Yup. *nodnod* *point* A-yup.

Gamling: Sire?

T: Gamling, tell the men to set up my beach chair there. It looks like I might be able to deepen my tan there.

G: *ahem*

T: Oh, um, I mean, muster there, draw back behind *mumblemumble*

G: But, my lord, what of the women and children?

T: They can all take turns giving me massages and fluffing my pillows...*angry glare from Gamling* I mean, get them safely bestowed into the caves *mumblemumble*

Voice from a culvert: Helm's deep has one weakness, besides King Theoden. A small culvert, little more than a drain and just as easily clogged with hair, is the one weakness in the very thick, hard wall.

Saruman: A-hum. But Grima, tell me, why are we crouched in a culvert?

Grima: Well, um, we're scouting.

Saruman: Here I sit, waist deep in water...when I have thousands of Orc spies at my beck and call...Grima, why did I get stuck with you?

G: But look, we're scouting! We're outside in the wild, camping and doing some male bonding!

S: ....eh?

Random Rohirrim: Hey, Denthelm! There are some kids hiding in that culvert again!

Random Rohirrim 2: Get the sticks!

S&G: Yipe! *skeedaddle*

G *panting*: What I don't get is...*wheeze*...how can fire...*pant*...undo stone? *gasp*

S: It's my own invention. I like to call it "Dy-no-mite!"

G: But even with...*gasp*...such an implement, it would take...um, lots and lots to even hope to make a dint! *whimper*

S: So? Your point?

G: Well, last time I checked, that many gullible orcs don't exist.

S: It's time to update, pal.

*The two suddenly run into a nearby canyon, wherin is stowed thousands upon thousands of Orcs! Grima, holding his pore feet is speechless and a tear rolls down his face."

S: Are we ready to rock?

Hoarde: Yeah!

S: Are we ready to roll?

Hoarde: Yeah!!

S: Are we ready to rock and roll?

Hoarde: YEAHH!!

S: Then, let's go!

*The hoarde troops off*

S: I hope Men have set their alarms, because dawn comes a bit early around these parts.

G: Huh?

S: Nevermind. You wouldn't understand.


Annnd, next is Merry+Pip+Treebeard gazing on "Smoke to the South".

[Kransha]

I believe I'll try the Merry/Pippin/Treebeard Scene..

*Merry and Pippin are still riding on Treebeard*

P: Look! There's smoke riding from the south!

T: And they don't even have a building permit. Hooom.

P: Who?

T: Isengard.

M: Isengard?

T: There was a time when Saruman would jog in my woods and dance and sing with woodland creatures gathering around him, but now he has a hip of metal and wheels. It was a war injury I think. He no longer cares for mowing things, so he forces his orcs to go out for him. They have no idea how to tend forests, honestly! Hoom!

*The hobbits' heads turn ceremoniously*

M: It's Saruman's army.

T: Oh really? Ya think?

M: War has started!

P: I doubt it. That's probably the ten thousand orc hairdressers going to un-grease Aragorn's hair.

M: Hey, where is that ranger/elf lover/swordsman/future king anyway?


*Cut to Aragorn floating down the Entwash*

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Kransha, is your avatar the picture of the Overmind (or any Zerg structure, if selected)? Cool!

Anywhen...these here scenes are already done, but I invoke this clause of the amendment that made this parody.

Oh, and can there be more than one version of a scene submitted to this thread?

That, and I plan to put this on my page Stupid Ring-style, so I'll need outtakes. And Behind the Scenes, if that isn't much trouble.

OUTTAKES: Éowyn and Aragorn

Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.
Éowyn: No, NO, NO! It's parry - riposte. Parry - riposte! Eru, who taught you how to fence? Viggo Mortensen?
Aragorn: Wha-hat?
Éowyn: Look - PJ told me you sucked at swords so much, you'll probably fall off a cliff before RotK. So, he sent me to teach you.
Aragorn: Sucked at swords...cliff? PJ! *goes off to find PJ, gives him a good bonk in the head*
Théoden: Uh, guys...looks like we'll have to stop taping for a while - PJ's unconscious again.

OUTTAKES: Aragorn and Arwen

Aragorn: I am a mortal. You are elf kind. It was a dream, Arwen, nothing more.
Arwen: Why are you saying this?
Aragorn: Duh! Isn't it obvious? I'm breaking up with you.
Arwen: What?! Before prom?! You have some nerve...wait, Figwit's been asking me out for sometime now. He might take me to the prom.
Aragorn: What? What prom?
Arwen: He-LLO! Have you been living in the wild or something? The Rivendell High School Prom! Next week! Even Jughead's coming, I heard.
Aragorn: So, what, are we in "Archie Comics" now?
PJ: Tell me this is a crazy alternate universe. Please.

Later days!
->Elenrod

[Oddwen]

Just wanted to say...I made a few avatars based on this parody.

Inspired by Meela:
Glad to be back? (64x64, 5k)
Cart (64x64, 16k)

Inspired by Nimrothiel:
Groovy (64x64, 2k)

So's you know.



Behind the scenes: Rivendell

Arwen: I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT FROG!

Staffperson: But, ma'am...this is supposed to be a symbol of uneding love between you and your intended...

A: I DON'T CARE!

Aragorn: Please?

Arw: EEWWWW!!

Aragorn: Pretty please?

Arw: Okay!

Staffperson: But...huh?

(rather lame)

*~*~*~*~*~*~
[edit] Drat! I started to edit this, had a whole thing going, and IE crashed! Let's see if I can remember it...[/edit]
Scene: Rivendell, after Arwen telepathically kisses Aragorn

Agent Elrond: Arwen...skip to my Lou.

Arwen: What?

AE: Tormenting you...you will sit in a chair all the way to Valinor. It's bad, so bite me!

A: Have you been talking elvish with Aragorn again?

AE: That's exactly my point! Aragorn is going to die, so why should he take you with him? BURN HIM, I SAY!

A: What?

AE: Err...I mean, he is not coming back. Why do you stay?

A: Because I've made my choice. And I'm 110% sure.

AE: Only 110%? Really?

A: Da-ad...

(the next day...)

AE: *too casually* Say, Arwen, how would you like to take a sailboat ride with your dear ol' Dad?

A: Hey, that sounds...suspiciously like you're trying to get me to go to Valinor!

AE: Who, me?

A: I tell you, I've made my choice!

AE: Curses. Foiled again.

(the next day...)

AE: *rushing in* Arwen, Arwen! Come quick, you've got to see! Cirdan says he's captured the biggest frog in the world! It's on his fastest ship, and he says you can have it for your wildlife swamp if you just come and get it!

A: Dad...I'm-not-going.

AE: Aww, it took me all day to think of that!

(the next evening...)

AE: *saaaaunters into his daughter's room* So, you've made your choice, huh?

A: Yup. I'm going to stay in Middle-earth, become mortal, marry Aragorn, bear his children, and then...die.

AE: *waaaanders to the window* If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated, and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

(Arwen sees a vision...she is standing beside the embalmed body of Aragorn...who is still clutching that darn sword...to her satisfaction, she has still kept her figure, but her face is shadowed by a veil.)

AE: And it'll be too bad for you, 'cuz he'll be dead and you won't. Though I do agree, he makes a very handsome corpse.

A: *twitch*

AE:But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt, as nightfall in winter that comes without a star, here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees, until all-the world-is-changed-and-the-long-years-of yourlifeareutterlyspent. *gasp*

(Arwen sees herself wandering in black through a deserted wood...cue music "Paint it Black" by Rolling Stones...)

AE: Arwen, there's nothing for you here...except a death-cream-cone for dessert.

A: *sobsobsobpause* ...a what-cream-cone?

AE: Uhh...death?

A: Hey, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! I'm NOT going TO VALINOR!!!!!!!!!!

AE: Fine!! See if I care! *sudden inspiration* But they do say that three-quarter-elven daughters start to resemble their half-elven fathers as they grow older...

A: WHAT??? WHEN'S THE NEXT SHIP GOING TO VALINOR????

AE: Jeez. Thanks a lot.

*Arwen is rushing about, packing.*

A: WAHH!

AE: You don't need to be...*sees Arwen fleeing the room* I didn't mean...*Arwen leaps onto a horse* Could you just...*The horse gallops off*

AE: Have a nice trip.

(Hey, Nilpaurion, I notice you're doing the same scene at almost the same time...freaky, huh?)

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Can I bring those to my page?

--------------------

Arwen is still lying on her bed.

Elrond: Ano ka ba?! Nakahiga ka pa rin? Bangon na, tamad! Aalis na barko mo! [You are still in bed? Get up, you lazybones! Your ship is leaving!]

Arwen sits up.

Arwen: Do I get the coconut thing with a drink inside.

Elrond: No.

Arwen: How about my teddy? Can he go, too?

Elrond: Let me see...no.

Arwen: Then I have made my choice.

Elrond: He is not coming back. Why do you linger here when there is no hope.

Arwen: I want my teddy!

Elrond: If Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made King and all that you hope for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

A a crypt in Minas Tirith, Aragorn lies atop it with Anduril clasped in his hands. Arwen is veiled and mourning, other mourners pass. As Elrond speaks, Aragorn's body becomes a stone sculpture. Arwen stands alone at the foot of his crypt.

Elrond: There will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death. An image of the splendor of the Kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent.

Arwen wanders in a bare, cold forest.

Elrond: Arwen...

Arwen: Zzzsnork...huh? Oh, yeah sure. Can I bring teddy?

Elrond: Just go, OK? Is that so hard to do?

[Oddwen]

Yes! You may!

In fact, here's another one I whipped up...

Inspired by Me:
Death (64x64, 9k)


And good night, all!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Yeah, that was freaky.

And the new avatar thing was fast work. Angband, if we made ops as fast as that, Istanbul never would have happened.

Could you have given an analogy not involving classified materials?

OK, OK.

--------------------

Arwen walks away from Rivendell with a host of Elves carrying lanterns. She looks over her shoulder at her father Elrond who looks on soberly.

Galadriel in Lothlorien speaks to Elrond in Rivendell.

Galadriel: Putol ang linya mo. 'di ka kasi nagbabayad ng telepono, eh. [I can't connect. Why don't you pay your telephone bills?]

Elrond: Errr...Eh....

Galadriel: Never mind, stupid. You gave that Ring to a halfling. Now the big-nosed...

Faramir: Who's big-nosed?

Galadriel: IF you don't mind, this is a private conversation.

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, now that big-nosed son of the cuckoo steward will take the Ring to his father.

Faramir: Will not!

Galadriel: A-HEM!

Faramir: Sorry.

Galadriel: As I was saying, the only way you can redeem yourself is by going to Helm's Deep with all your soldiers, and place yourself under Aragorn's command...

Elrond: Wait. Me, under him?!

Galadriel: Yes.

Elrond: But I'll die! Remember what happened to Glorfindel?

Galadriel giggles, then chuckles, then falls over laughing.

Galadriel: *wheeze*...I remember that. Poor Glorfie...and your point is...

Elrond: I can't die! I have a daughter to protect from dirty king-wannabes!

Galadriel: OK. Haldir!

Haldir comes, as if anyone can dare disobey Galadriel.

Haldir: What is your wish?

Galadriel: You're going to Helm's Deep with Aragorn.

Haldair: Aww man!!! He stinks!

Galadriel: Yeah, I know. Just go, please?

Galadriel does the glower-eye thing.

Haldir (reluctantly): As you wish.

--------------------

That made sense...

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Hey, here's one... I think it's in the right order for this...
Includes some Behind the Scenes... heh heh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Faramir: What news?
Random guy without name: Well... there's this girl in Edoras who loves you... Agent Smith is killing Neo... Um, Osgiliath is falling...
Faramir: Not that kind of NEWS!!!!!!!!!
Random guy: Oh, well... Rohan is under attack... Um, Saruman is trying to kill them, and well, that's that.
Faramir: Oh, well, no worrys then.
Random guy: Nah, the worst that could happen is that Sauron takes over the world, and we all die. Cuz, you see, Mordor is letting loose all their scary armies and there about 6789089675768123 of them every day.
Faramir: How far are you willing to go to save Gondor?
Random guy: I'd die for Gondor.
Faramir: Good, no worries then.
Random guy: Faramir, are you worried?
Faramir: THAT'S CAPTIAN FARAMIR!!!!! CAPTIAN!!!!!!!!! (Kills random guy) I WANT TO BECOME POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO TAKE OVER THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!! I AM POWERFULER THAN BOROMIR, THAT STUPID WRAITH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Faramir, use the Force.
Faramir: I hate you.

(Behind the Scenes:
Peter Jackson: (Hits head on medal pole) Why did I have to work on this move?! WHY?!
Howard Shore: Hmm... cool theme music for this scene...
Peter: Oh, why do you care?
Howard: THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: I can't sing for this warped movie! (Walks away.)
End of behind scene)

(Outtakes:
Faramir: (Kills random guy) Umm... Wasn't I suppose to kill him?
Peter Jackson: For the love of God, now we need ANOTHER actor for this part!!!!!!!!
Frodo: When's it my turn to say a line?
Faramir: Can I kill him too?
Peter: (Hits head on medal pole)
End outtake)

(Frodo and Sam are dragged into the cave.)
Sam: Ouch. Are you trying to turn me into something unnatural?
Frodo: I never should've took this role.
Faramir: I TOLD YOU BOROMIR, QUIT HAUNTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boromir wraith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!! I always told you that I was the oldest brother. It's a conspiracy!
Faramir: You bet it is.
Frodo: Boromir?!?!?!?!?!
Boromir: Um... uh-oh... (Disappears)
Faramir: Traitor.
Sam: Can someone untie me please?
Frodo: Gandalf is late. I HATE IT WHEN THAT WIZARD ISN'T AROUND WHEN YOU NEED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
Faramir: Someone untie them.
Sam: My wrists fell off.
Faramir: Serves you right, orc spy.
Sam: I'm no spy!
Faramir: Well, I say you are, and what I say goes, and nothing else can overrule me!
Frodo: Whatever. Well, I have the One Ring, and there's nothing that can stop me from turning you into something unnatural!
Faramir: Oh, the One Ring, ehh?
Frodo: I AM POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Sam: (Fidgets with Ring that he stole from Frodo.)
Gandalf: (Mind wipes everyone.)
Frodo: Duh... why am I here?
Sam: Ooo, pretty ring...
Peter Jackson: What movie was I making?
Gandalf: (Hits head on medal pole.)
Frodo: Gandalf, where'd you come from?
Gandalf: (Disappears in a flash of light) I'm a hologram! (Mind wipes them again!)
Frodo: Um, short term memory loss!
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo, I think this is yours. (Gives him ring.)

(Behind the scenes:
Peter Jackson: What idiot wrote this script?!
Legolas: Did you steal my hairbrush?
Peter: This is behind the scenes, you idiot.
Legolas: Humph!
Howard Shore: I have some more cool theme music for you!
Peter: Ug.
End Behind Scenes)

Frodo: Wow, that cool theme music must mean something is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: It's hypnotic!
Faramir: Goody. So, who are you, anyhow?
Frodo: I'm Agent Underhill!

(Behind scenes:
Peter: Rrrrgggggg!
Hugo Weaving: I think he's been watching the Matrix.
Howard: I have MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enya: YOU RECORDED ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER, YOU, YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Please, can someone else film this????????
End Behind Scene)

Faramir: Right.
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins of the Shire, and this is my slave.
Sam: (Glares.)
Frodo: Oh fine, he's my servant.
Faramir: Bodyguard?
Sam: Gardener. Hey, would you like a crash course on growing Potatoes?
Faramir: No. And where's the other one?

(Behind scene:
Andy: Haaallllppp!!!! I'M LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO BE AT THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Peter: Not funny, Weaving.
Agent Smith: Where did you hide Neo?
Howard: I NEED MORE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter: Unducttape me NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Agent Smith: Mwha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Behind Scene)

Sam: What other one? Do you see another hobbit?
Frodo: I don't think that they are filming yet.
Faramir: Yes they are. Where's the other one, he was slimy looking.
Frodo: Ooooh, him. Yah, I threw him to the Oliphants... he stunk.
Faramir: Lyre.
Frodo: Am NOT!!!
Faramir: No, that's the theme music! And you are lying!
Frodo: Fine, there was no other.
Faramir: Are you sure?
Frodo: We set out from Rivendell with seven companions... One was a scary wizard guy that needs a new hat. Two were dumb hobbits like us. One was a scary dwarf... I hate to think what lives in his beard. Then there was this Elf dude that thought only about himself and his precious bow. There was also a King of Gondor dude that didn't want to be king. And there was a Boromir of Godor who was taller than me... he had a big horn.
Faramir: You were a friend of Boromir?
Frodo: No. He was ugly, and he stunk. Why?
Faramir: Good. No worries then.
Frodo: Why? You his brother or something?
Faramir: Umm... yes.
Frodo: Oh. That's nice. Didja know that he's dead?
Sam: I killed him with my carrot of doom.
Frodo: Shh... no one's suppose to know that!
Faramir: He was my brother, and he is dead, in truth. How did he really die?
Frodo: He's really DEAD?!
Faramir: Yes.
Frodo: How?!
Faramir: I had hoped you would tell me.
Frodo: Oh fine. I snuck Ant Killer in his Lembas.
Faramir: Oh? But he's not an ant.
Frodo: He's dead, isn't he?
Faramir: For that, I'll have to lock you in the food cave!
Sam: YAY!
Frodo: Um YAY!!!!!
Faramir: Eat all you want. I'll come later, and try to steal the One Ring from you.

(Behind the scene:
Peter Jackson: YOU MUST LET ME GO!!!!!!
Enya: I'll sing so high that his eardrums will shatter, and then he will release us.
Agent Smith: Where is Neo?
Enya: (Sings high)
(All goes black.)
Enya V.O.: I think I shattered the camera.
Peter V.O.: Um, yah.
Agent Smith V.O.: I'm dead.
Darth Vader V.O.: I killed him! He underestamated the power of the Force.
Howard V.O.: I need to put more scary music in.
Peter V.O.: Tolkien's gonna kill me.
J.R.R. Tolkien V.O.: MWHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE ARISEN TO TORMENT YOU!!!!!!!!!
Peter V.O.: This can't be good.
End Behind Scene)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How's that?
-Eowyn Skywalker, the elf with a warped mind... I'm not even an elf...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

That was um...uh...ah...weird...

[Elennar Starfire]

At Helm's Deep:

*sound of bagpipes is heard*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Rohirrim: *mutters* That's not a horn, you idiot elf.

*Haldir and co march up*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...*blank, hypnotised look* Open the gates!

*gates open*

*Haldir and co enter, with several bagpipers following them*

Aragorn: *looks at bagpipers* What are they doing here?

Haldir: Um...our horn blower quit unexpectedly. This was all we could find on such short notice.

Aragorn: Well, get them to stop!

Haldir: OK, guys, you can stop now!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *louder* I said you can stop!

*Bagpipers keep playing*

Haldir: *shouting* STOP! STOP! STOPSTOPSTOP!

*bagpipers keep playing*

Theoden: Ooo, bagpipes...

Legolas: *shoots holes in the bagpipes so they can't play*

Theoden: Wha...who let these guys in here?

Bagpipers: *keep blowing until they run out of breath, and pass out*
__________________________________________________ __

My mom interrupted me, and now I've lost the momentum of the story. Pooh. Anyway, I want to say that I like bagpipes!

And thanks for the avvie, Oddwen!

[Oddwen]

Quite welcome, Elennar! Glad you could use it.
Speaking of avatars, here is one that Nilp will enjoy especially...

(Hey, I'm watching FotR on tv! It's not supposed to be out until WB airs it later in the year??)

Scene: Henneth Annun

(Faramir is sitting and gazing dreamily off...some guy sneaks up behind him...)

Guy: M'lord...

Faramir: AHHHH!!

Guy: Jeez, sorry...just wanted to say that we found the creepy guy the short guys alluded to.

F: Oh...okay.

Frodo & Sam: Snxxxx....

Faramir: Yo, little dude...yeah, with the ring.

Sam: Me? You're not hoeing po-ta-toes this late at night, are you? They don't like moonlight. Why, I remember that one time me old Gaffer hoed them under a full moon, and they grew eyes! Just like you or me! They were very angry eyes, and right about then old Widow Willowbotton disappeared under suspicious circumstances, so the townsfolk all got their pitchforks and torches and were going to run us out of Hobbiton! But then the potatoes rose up on their stalks...

Faramir:

Frodo: Sam, he's not interested in that. Tell him about those gardenias that grew right into Petunia Barrelstaver's well!

Sam: Well, it all happened when...

Faramir: Um...much as I'd so love *gag* to hear about the gardenias, there is a pressing matter that needs your input.

Sam: Oh, really? Well, just let me slip my cloak on...

Faramir: No, dimwit, I need your much smarter master, not you.

Sam fans: Humph!

Frodo: *puffing out his little chest* OK!

(The two climb up many winding passages, until they are finally by the waterfall.)

Faramir: *pointing* Down there...

Frodo: Sorry, your nose was just framed there in the moonlight, and it looked so spectacular that I...

Faramir: JUST LOOK!

(Frodo does so...and he sees...LEGOLAS WASHING HIS HAIR! BWAW-HAW-HAW-er, I mean, Gollum eating a fish.)

(Faramir now gestures to archers in camoflage suits who were previously hidden.)

Faramir: Shall I shoot?

Frodo: No! These men should not be allowed to handle firearms! Haven't they heard of not shooting where the shot might bounce back at them? They aren't even wearing Hunter's Orange! This is in complete violation of the Hunter's Safety Code! *he waves a book around* I should report you...

Faramir: ALRIGHT, GUYS, CHANGE OF TARGET, IT IS NOW THE HOBBIT ON MY LEFT! READY...AIM...

Frodo: No! Let me go and read him his rights! Pleeeeeeeeeeze! I've wanted to do that ever since I saw COPS! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze! Pleeeeeeeeeze!

Faramir: AGH! Just go!

(Frodo climbs down the rock, muttering all the while about "rope".)

Gollum: Can't stop, addicted to the shindig...

Fro: Smeagol?

Gollum: Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big...

Fro: Smeagol!

Gollum: Choose not a life of imitation...oh hi Master! Care for some nice...fisssssh? . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Fro: Whoa, those really are some nice fish! Mmm, they look tasty, one might even say...crunchable!

Agitated Voice From Above: Get on with it!

Fro: *in a suddenly deep voice* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Faramir: AGH! *he leaps from the bushes and lassoos Gollum*

Gollum: Hey, watch the fish! . ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .>)))o>. ' ` ' .

Faramir: Hey, wow, nice fish! So raw, and...wrr-rr-rr-rr-rriggling!

Sam: Would you guys like to be alone? C'mon, get this slinker up into the cave before I take my pan to yer heads!

F&F&G& >)))o> & >)))o>: Oh, okay...

(The reel rattles...Howard Shore can be heard cackling in the background...record-scraping sounds are heard and we re-appear in the Cave.)

Faramir: Hokey dokey, where were you leading them?

Gollum: Mordor.

Faramir: Oh, okay, well GREAT GAMBOLING GAMLING! Did you say...Mordor??

Gollum: No.

Smeagol: Yes.

Gollum:No.

Smeagol: Uh, we mean no.

Gollum: Last time we checked, Precious, we was heading this, not poor poor Smeagol.

Smeagol: But I sent you away, and away you went!

Gollum: *leaning into the camera and a cheesy Ah-nold voice* But we're back!

Faramir: Gleeps! He's snapped!

SmeaGollum: Hey, where's my fish??

*all gathered turn swiftly to Madril, who is sucking the last bone as we speak!*

Madril: Um...needs catsup?

Smeagollum: My...fish! AHHHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Toxicity avatar...sweet!

But, sorry, Oddwen, we have to arrest you for exceeding the fish-per-post limit. That's like a thousand fish there!

Six.

Oh, yeah.

--------------------

Aragorn: Stupid horse. Your mouth stinks.

Brego: The Ranger calls the horse smelly.

Aragorn rides up the causeway into Helm's Deep.

Villager: He's alive!

Gimli: *pushes his way through the refugees* Where is he? Where is he? Get out of the way! I'm gonna kill him! *seeing Aragorn...with his sword drawn*

Aragorn: What did you say?

Gimli: That you are the luckiest, the canniest and the most reckless man I ever knew. *they embrace* And you smell nice, too.

Aragorn: Where is the King?

Gimli: You are!

Aragorn: OK, stop sucking up to me. Where's the King of Rohan?

Gimli nods his head in the direction of the keep. As Aragorn makes his way toward the King, he encounters Legolas.

Legolas: Le ab-dollen. [Drat. He had to return.] You look terrible.

Éowyn sees Aragorn and begins to rush over to him. She stops herself when she sees Legolas hand Aragorn the Evenstar pendant.

Sick Rohirrim dude: Hey, lady! Fix my bandages!

Éowyn: Not now! I'm ogling!

Aragorn: *exchanges a smile with Legolas* Hannon le. [I'll kill you later.]

Éowyn (to self): He looks so cute when speaking Elvish.

Aragorn enters Théoden's chamber, throwing the doors wide.

Aragorn: I'll have miruvor, shaken not stirred.

--------------------

Jet lag! Later!
->Elenrod

[Oddwen]

Well, it's taken me two days to write this, and I haven't refreshed the page since then, so I hope I don't step on anyone's toes...


Scene: Aragorn riding the plains toward Edoras.

(Aragorn manages to heave himself up onto Brego)

PJ: Drat, Enya just had to shatter the camera...now I've got to use this crummy handheld...dagnabbit...

(All of a sudden, cresting a rise, Aragorn sees a huge army gathering on the plain! Apple Bonkers, and Butterfly Stompers, along with Blue Meanies in horrendous amounts! Aragorn gapes until...)

Brego: *cough* I know I'm just a horse and all, but can we duck out of sight?

Aragorn: Uh, sure...

(Thanks to the resoucefulness of Brego, Aragorn finds his way to Helm's Deep.)

Random Rohirrim: Agh! He's back!

Random Rohirrim 2: Oh no!

(An angry mob gathers as he makes his way to the King's chambers.)

Aragorn: Stop following me!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gimli!

Gimli: Brego!

Brego: Gimli!

Aragorn: Brego!

Brego: Aragorn!

Legolas: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Legolas!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Legolas!

Legolas: Brego!

Eowyn: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Eowyn!

Eowyn: Brego!

Legolas: Gimli!

Brego: Eowyn!

Gimli: Aragorn!

Legolas: AHHHH!!!

Aragorn: Ahh?

Gimli: Ahh.

Aragorn: Ahh...

Eowyn: Haa!

Legolas: AHHH!! *flees*

A&G&E&B: *shrug* *Aragorn continues into Meduseld*

Theoden: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gamling: Theoden!

Theoden: Gamling!

Gamling: Aragorn!

Aragorn: Theoden!

Theoden: What happened to you? We thought you were dead!

Aragorn: Humbleblablah, wargs, blahblahhumgleblah, cliffs, hungle bungle hamrla, yellow submarine, humina marlama BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: He seems agitated.

Gamling: Doesn't he though.

Theoden: Yes he does, doesn't he?

Gamling: Yes, he does.

Theoden: Isn't he though?

*later*

Theoden: So...you're saying that there's a big ol' army coming this way?

Aragorn: Yes. Bazillions of them. We're doomed, doomed, doomed!

Gamling: Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Elrond.

Theoden: Aww, they can come if they want. Helm's Deep can stand it.

Gimli: These are no common orcs. These are Uruk-hai. Their skulls are thick and their swords are pointy. Or wait...was it the other way around?

Legolas(singing): I'm, too sexy for my bow...too sexy for my bow...

Theoden: Whatever.

A: Haven't you heard what I said? These are no common orcs, they are BLUE MEANIEEEEES!

Theoden: Well, what do you want me to do, huh? Relinquish command to you, Your Squishiness?

A: I changed my shoes already, for crying out loud!

Theoden: No-one will come. Not the stinkin' elves, not the stinkin' dwarves, and certainly not the reekin' Gondorians!

A: Hey! Big meanie...*sob*

T: Aright everyone, everyone not fighting get into the caves! That means you, Eowyn!

Eowyn: Aw, man...

*at the armoury*

Aragorn: Furriers, table boys...these are no fighters! Many of them have never worn a tutu in their lives!

Random Rohirrim: Tutus? What exactly are we fighting here?

Legolas(muttering): Idiot. *aloud* Look at them. They are frightened little sissies. You can see it in their eyes!

Rohirrim: *glare*

L: Boe a hûn: neled herain dan caer menig! (We're all doomed! Doom! Doom! Doom!)

Aragorn: What? What drums in the deep?

L: *grinds teeth* We're doomed! We're all gonna die!

A: Well, duh! Of course we're all gonna die!

Rohirrim: ...? What?

A: Um...I mean eventually of course, old age you know, not bloodily in a hopeless battle like this one of course! Heh heh.

Young Rohirrim Boys: Wahh!

L: Real smart, Ranger.

A: Hmmph! *storms out and sits glumly on the stairs*

*two random cameo kids are standing around the fire*

A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: Shut up. My Momma helps to write the script, you know.

A: HAW HA-so, handsome little boy, give me your sword.

Haleth: Mo-om!

A: I just wanna borrow it, sheesh! *swoosh swoosh swoosh break*

A: What a crummy piece of work...not like my sword. Telchar the famous smith made it y'know.

Haleth: Can I see it?

A: Well...I don't have it with me y'know...

Haleth: We're doomed!

A: Why does everyone always say that around me? BWAHHHH!! *runs off crying*

Haleth: Sheesh.

(Aragorn runs into the armoury and starts picking out the best stuff for himself)

Aragorn(muttering): Let's see...the hauberk's connected to the helmet, the shoelace's connected to the belt loops, the belt loops are connected to the chain mail, the chain mail's connected to the sword hilts...wait, where's the sword?

Legolas(dully): Forgive me. I was wrong to despair. I realize now that it is an elf's place to be happy and cheerful all the time.

Aragorn: There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now give me my sword.

Legolas: No. You're too dangerous with a sword. You could put someone's eye out with it.

A: That's the idea...hey, where'd the Evenstar go? Do you have that too, you packrat?

L: Fine! Here, take it!

Evenstar: *croak croak croak*

A: Ahh, Arwen my shmoopie, it won't be long now...

*enter Gimli*

Gimli: Alright...whose idea was it to feed me those cream puffs? Now my mail won't fit!

L&A: *snork*

***Elennar's post should go here***

Gimli: So whose dratted idea was it to send elves here? I mean, who needs more elves???

Aragorn: Elrond, I'd guess. He probably hopes to lighten us poor, poor, unfortunate Men's hearts.

Legolas: Well, you folks do seem to be rather depressed...

Theoden: Hellooooo? We are at WAR!

*hoooooooooooot!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn!

Random Gate Guard: Badger kind...open the gates!

*start funky music*

Howard Shore: Wait a minute...I don't do funky!

Here come, here come, here come the badgers! Here come, here come, here come the badgers!

Aragorn: Wow, this music is really catchy!

L: You said it!

Howard Shore: Hey...this is not the symphony in G Major that I wrote for this!

Randy Newman: Bwahaha! Behold Howard, it is I! You only THOUGHT you were writing music for LotR!

Danny Elfman: And I! Ha haa! We are agents of Disney, come to make LotR a more family film! BEHOLD, the fuzzy friendly woodland badgers!

RN: Yes, what this trilogy needs is some FRIEND MUSIC!

HS: Noo! *start Matrix-esque fight sequence*

HS: *punchkick*

DE: The force is strong with this one. *slap*

RN: *kickkick*

(Suddenly, Howard Shore grabs a sword from a nearby elf, and easily decimates his opponents and heaves their bodies over the Deeping Wall!)

HS: GO ME!

(He grabs Legolas's bow and neverending quiver and does the same with the evil Disney cartoon badgers!)

HS: Booya!! *adjusts glasses* Ahem. Now, if I could just get the clarinets to be a semioctave higher there...yes. Perfect.

All: *gape*

*blaaaaaaat!*

Legolas: That is no orc horn either!

Theoden: *groan* Not another one...don't open the gate!

(Aragorn, however, is overcome with curiosity and climbs to the wall above the gate. A lone man stands there, dressed in black with a mask over his face. Amazingly, he starts to climb the wall! He gets a bit over halfway there, when he comes to a stop.)

Aragorn: Can you hurry it up a bit?

Masked Figure: Sorry, could you not distract me? This isn't as easy as it looks.

A: Sorry. Is there any way I can sort of help you along?

MF: I don't see why, as you're just waiting around to kill me.

A: I give you my word that you will reach the top alive.

MF: What assurances do I have?

A: I will give my word as a Ranger.

MF: Sorry, I've known too many Rangers.

A: I will swear on my father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's father's sword.

MF: Good enough.

(Aragorn throws down a rope, and the Masked Figure climbs to the top)

MF: So...could I see this sword?

A: Well, I don't exactly have it with me at the moment...probably back in Rivendell, unless Arwen is on her way with it right now...

MF: I see. So, you lied.

A: No, you're alive, aren't you?

MF: Not for long, though it would seem.

A: As you wish.

*thwang! thwang!*

MF: My, you are excellent!

A: I should be. I've devoted my life to swordplay.

*clang! thwip!*

A: I see you are using Halbarad's defense against me.

MF: It is the only logical conclusion, if one attacks with their Amras.

A: I suppose you expect me to attack with Fegalund?

MF: Only if one has studied their Ragnor, which I have.

*thwang, clang!*

A: I must admit, you are better than me.

MF: Then why are you smiling?

A: I am not left handed.

*thwang! clang! clang!*

MF: You are magnifiscent! But I must say something.

A: What?

MF: I am not left handed either.

*Thwap! clang! clang! thwapclang! shhhhhing!*

(The Masked Figure suddenly knocks Aragorn's sword from his hand!)

A: Aw, drat. I suppose you are going to kill me.

MF: Are you kidding? I can't waste such talent.

A: Won't you tell me who you are?

MF: No.

A: I must know.

MF: Get used to disappointments. *thump*

A: Ow! Hey!

MF: Oh, er...*thumpthump!*

A: Grr...now it's personal!

(Aragorn attacks the Masked Figure mercilessly! The gathered mob chants frenziedly!)

A: And now...to see who you are! *he rips the mask off! Everyone gasps in surprise!*

Aragorn: Boromir!

Legolas: Boromir!

Boromir: Aragorn!

Gimli: Boromir!

Legolas: Gimli!

Theoden: Boromir!

Boromir: Legolas!

Gimli: Theoden!

Aragorn: Gamling!

Gimli: Legolas!

Gamling: Aragorn!

The Mob: AHH!


(I left a few things out...Treebeard explaining Entmoot, and Theoden being prepared for battle. And...that's it for tonight!)

[edit] Oh my gosh...it's long...[/edit]

[Eowyn Skywalker]

(This fits in somewhat in the middle of Oddwen's piece. Its Treebeard talking about the entmoot.)
Treebeard: The Ents have not troubled with the wars of men in ages... we prefir to fight Sith. Have any of you hobbits ever wondered what happened to the Sith?

Merry: What's a Sith?

Pippin: Where are we goin'?

Merry: I'm hungry.

Pippin: I have to go to the bathroom.

Treebeard: You should've done that before we left.

Merry: Can I have a lightsaber?

PJ: Can I get another camera?

Enya: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Here, have a handheld.

PJ: I already have one, and I'm filming at the moment.

Enya: Sorry.

Treebeard: Shut up.

Merry: *gasp* That was... dare I say it.. HASTY!!!!

Treebeard: That's just our motto. You know, fish are friends, not food!

Pippin: Awwww.

Treebeard: Wait, that's not it.

Pippin: So where are we going?

Howard: WWAAAIIIITTT!!!!!! I NEED TO INSERT SOME DARK FORBODING THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!!

Treebeard: I need to step on you.

(Behind the scenes...)
Darth Vader: I am your father, Peter Jackson.

PJ: This is the Lord of the Rings, you know.

Glorfindel: I WANTED TO HAVE A PART IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

Tom Bombadil: MMMEEEE TOOOO!!!!!!!

PJ: Umm... *help*

Agent Smith: You know that Enya hurt my ears?

Enja: YYYYYEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Akk... I'm going deaf...

PJ: Shut up, I'm trying to film.


(End behind scene.)

Treebeard: Something is going to happen that has not happened in a long age.

Merry: What's that?

Treebeard: The ents will destroy the Sith.

Pippin: I still have to go to the bathroom.

Merry: What Sith?

Treebeard: I'm not telling. Welcome to the entmoot, Mr. Brandybuck.

Merry: Ug.

How was that? I'm glad you think I'm weird.

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

A: Hey, Cameo Kid, come here! What's your name?

Kid: I'm Haleth, son of Hama.

A: Alice? That's a GIRL'S name! HAW HAW HAW!!

Kid: No, Haleth.

A: ...Oh. Well, it's still a girl's name! HAW HAW HAW!!

I had something a wittle wike that in my mind - in my notes, actually:

Aragorn: What is your name?

Haleth: Haleth, daught...I mean son of Háma, my lord.

Aragorn: You have Éowyn complex, do you?

Haleth (whispers): Shhh...don't tell dad...

[Meneltarmacil]

SAM: We have to get out of here. You go. Go, now! You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

FRODO: I can’t. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me, but… I’m sorry. The Ring’s taking me Sam. If I put it on, he’ll find me. He’ll see. I'll become a Politician again.

SAM: Mr. Frodo...

FARAMIR: So this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call. The Ring of power within my grasp. In place of a dark lord, you will have a QUEEN! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the...

PJ: Whoa, whoa, you've got the wrong script!

FARAMIR: Thanks, I was beginning to wonder...

PJ: Now, let's get on with it.

FRODO: No!!

SAM: Stop it! Leave him alone! Don’t you understand? He’s got to destroy it. That’s where we’re going. Into Mordor. To the mountain of fire.

RANDOM GUY: Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. And we're out of coffee, by the way.

FARAMIR: Out of coffee?

SAM: Please. It’s such a burden. Will you not help him?

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!

RANDOM GUY: Captain?

FARAMIR: OUT...OF...COFFEE?!

(Behind the scenes...)

PJ: Ahhh, excellent. Now let's capture that murderous look on his face...

JRR TOLKIEN: *bursts into the production room, armed with an AK-47* Hold it! Get back! Nobody's taking the Ring to Gondor if I can help it!

RANDOM GUY: Um, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

RANDOM GUY: Erk! *dies*

PJ: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

ENYA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

HOWARD SHORE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

JRRT: Now I'm going to end this nonsense NOW! *takes camera, still holding production crew at gunpoint*

(return to movie)

FARAMIR: Alas for Boromir! It was too sore a trial! How you have increased my sorrow, you two strange wanderers from a far country, bearing the peril of Men! But you are less judges of Men than I of Halflings. We are truth-speakers, we men of Gondor. We boast seldom, and then perform, or die in the attempt. Not if I found it on the highway would I take it I said. Even if I were such a man as to desire this thing, and even though I knew not clearly what this thing was when I spoke, still I should take those words upon me as a vow, and be held by them.

(behind the scenes again)

JRRT: Ahhh, that's much better. Now, if I can *suddenly feels himself get hit in the head with something hard* Agh!!

AGENT SMITH: I believe you've caused this production enough harm already, Missstur Tolkien.

*everybody locks JRRT in the closet*

PJ: OK, let's delete that last scene.

*rewind*

(back to the movie)

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!?!?! That's it. The Ring will go to Gondor. There it will bring me all the coffee I could ever want! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(behind scenes again)

JRRT(from inside the closet): NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*fades out*

Next scene: Theoden getting ready for battle, then skip to the battle sequence.

[Eowyn Skywalker]

All right... Theoden scene...

Theoden: I hate wars.

Gamling: Well... if we just sent Eowyn and Enya out there... I'm sure that might work.

Theoden: Enya?

Gamling: That's why Peter has the handheld.

Theoden: Um. right. Give me my armor.

Gamling: As you wish.

(Behind scenes:

PJ: I'm getting tired of this handheld.

Enya: Well, sorry.

Howard: BERNARD, DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!! I NEED SOME THEME MUSIC FIRST!!!!!!!!

J.R.R. Tolkien: LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET NOW!!!! YOU ARE MOCKING MY WRITING!!!!

Tom Bombadil: Now now, don't be hasty...

Goldberry: Make haste while the sun shines!

PJ: Arg.

Howard: Oooo!! THE ULTAMATE THEME MUSIC!!!!!!!!

(End begind scene...)

Theoden: Interesting theme music.

Gamling: Ooo!! STAR WARS MUSIC!!!!!!! (Pulls out lightsabers...) (Duel of the Fates begins to play in BG.)

Theoden: Gamling, I am your father!

Gamling: You will die!

Theoden: Who am I, Gamling?

Gamling: You are my father, you said so yourself.

Theoden: Do you trust your father?

Gamling: No.

Theoden: Then I am your king.

Gamling: You know what?

Theoden: (Parries blows) What?

Gamling: I'm not left handed!

Theoden: Hmm... I'm not left handed either!

(Behind scenes:

J.R.R. Tolkien: YOU ARE MOCKING ME!!!! LET ME OUT, I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!

PJ: All the more reason not to let you out.

Howard: I'll let you out... just let me get the dark foreboding theme music!!!!!

Enya: I will sing loudly again.

Haldir: NOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! YOU WILL HURT MY POINTY EARS!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: It is inevitable.

PJ: CUT!!!!!!

(End behind scenes)

Theoden: Ow ow ow!!!! YOU DROPPED MY SWORD ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn: I'm sorry to disturb you, but they called cut.

PJ: NO! NO!! KEEP ACTING!!!!!!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Aragorn: Who's that?

PJ: It's the theme music.

Howard: I'm going to kill you.

PJ: I've had enough of that today.

Agent Smith: Reallllllllly?

PJ: I'm trying to film.

(Everything goes out)

PJ v.o: THAT WAS MY SECOND CAMERA!!!!! WHO DID THAT?!?!?!

Tolkien v.o.: I did, Mr. Jackson.

Theoden v.o.: Does this mean I can't keep the lightsaber?

PJ v.o.: Where did you get a lightsaber?!

Gamling v.o.: Umm... la de da...

Theoden v.o.: How do a put on this @#$% armor anyhow?

(Everything comes back in.)

PJ: I think we'll remove that last piece. Where's Tolkien go?

(Behind scenes:...

Agent Smith: Umm.... err...

Random wraith: Errrr....

PJ: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KILLED J.R.R. TOLKIEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Tolkien: But I was already dead...

PJ: (Beats them up with a medal pole.)

Faramir: You haven't got me the coffee yet.

Howard: WAIT, I NEED TO AD THE THEME MUSIC!!!!!

(End behind scenes...)

Theoden: I can't breathe in this armor.

Gamling: It's not on yet.

Theoden: Well, whoever made this left out one this. I'm King Theoden Hal!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Just stand still so I can put the dang armor on...

Theoden: *gack* I... can't... breathe...

Haldir: Good.

Theoden: Who are you?!

Haldir: Your worst nightmare.

Theoden: I'm dressed, let's go.

Haldir: YOU ARE BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!!!!

Gamling: Can I kill him?

Theoden: No.

(End scene.)

How was that?!

[Nimrothiel]

What the...? That was very...er...um...interesting. Uh, what exactly is the next scene again?

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene would be the Battle of Helm's Deep, Nimrothiel.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Actually, my sister thought this up. But she's not here.

Éowyn: Leave me alone, snake!
Gríma: But you are alone. You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you.
Éowyn: Not listening, I'm not listening.
Gríma (whispers): Murderer...
Éowyn: But he was already dead!
Gríma: What? What are you talking about?
Éowyn: Oh. Don't you mean the Witch-King?
PJ: CUT!!! Miranda, don't read ahead of the script!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Merry can be seen pacing. At last Treebeard turns away from the others and approaches the Hobbits, Pippin sees him coming.

Pippin: Merry. Verdict's in.

Merry joins him.

Treebeard: We have just agreed...

Pippin and Merry wait. Merry tries to be patient.

Merry: Yes?

Treebeard: We...ummm...we...

PJ: Cut! John, don't forget your lines.

PJ hands Treebeard his script.

Treebeard: Oh...OK.

Treebeard hands it back. -> Duh.

PJ: Action!

Treebeard: I have told your names to the Entmoot...and wehaveagreedyouarenotOrcs. *gasp*

Merry: How can that be your decision?

Treebeard: Now don't be hasty, Master Meria...what?

Merry: Hasty? We' re not hasty! We're Orcs!

Treebeard's jaw dropped as Merry and Pippin strip rubber masks off their faces.

Suddenly, he wakes up.

Treebeard: *gasp!*

Longbranch: Hoom-hoom-lalla-kamanda-hoom-a-lalla-maril. [sleeping again]

Wetleaf: Maluim. [Yeah. He should really get rid of that sleeping problem of his.]

Treebeard rushes to the two hobbits, then tries to tear their faces off. Ouch.

PJ: What are you doing?

Merry: I love trees!

Pippin: I need second breakfast!

Treebeard: Die, you Orcs!

HS: What's happening?

PJ: Stop it!

Haldir: Can you hurry up? My scene's next.

HS: Hit it, Enya!

Reader: Not this cliché joke again...

Enya: Not this time...La![high C#]

Everything stops, except Enya's vocal chords.

Reader: So...what now?

[Eowyn Skywalker]

The Battle of Helms Deep: part one. (Why, because I'm to lazy to write the rest.)

(All the elves and all that stand along the top of the wall. Aragorn is muttering something about "Stupid late she-elves." Gimli is muttering something about "Where's the box when you need it." Legolas is muttering something about "Where's Enya when you need her." Haldir is muttering something about "Everyone here is breathing too loudly." And Howard Shore is muttering about the lack of worthwhile theme music for this scene.)

Gimli: I can't see!

Legolas: There's nothing to see. I grew up here, you know.

Gimli: ? You're going to die here, you know. Convenient.

Legolas: Not if I can help it. I've taken care of everything.

Aragorn: You didn't grow up here.

Legolas: Shhhhhh.

PJ: Will you guys PLEASE stop with the Star Wars quoting thing?!

Agent Smith: Join with me...

PJ: Just shut up.

Legolas: I'm trying to act here.

PJ: I'll send in Enya.

Theoden: I think we can handle one little girl.

PJ: If only you knew...

Random Urak-hai: HIIIIIIIIIII, EVERYONE!

Eowyn: (Kills random Urak-hai) MWHA-HA!

Theoden: I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE KEEP!!!!

Eowyn: So?

Theoden: *glares*

Aragorn: Can we get on with this?

Arwen: Honey, I brought you your sword!!!!!

Everyone: CAN I SEE IT?!

Boromir: Yah!

Aragorn: You, know, you're dead.

Boromir: I'm not left-handed either.

Aragorn: Must we do this again?

Boromir: Yep.

Aragorn: You are a limp sword-fighter.

Boromir: Get used to disapointments.

PJ: THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I'M ON TWENTY-EIGHT!!!!!

Legolas: You can't see, and there's no orcs yet.

Gimli: I know that... but I'm still on twenty-eight.

Legolas: What are you killing: elves?

Gimli: No, flies.

Legolas: *sigh*

Aragorn: Do not despair, your friends are here with you.

Agent Smith: Despair, for I am leading the orcs upon you.

J.R.R. Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THERE'S NO AGENTS IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!!

Agent Smith: Somehow, I thought I killed you.

Tolkien: I won't stay dead, for I already am!!!!!!!

Aragorn: Um, we're filming?

(Suddenly J.R.R. Tolkien disappears in a flash of orange light.)

Jandalf the Orange: Minions of Xendor.

The author of this piece: How come you seem to appear in all my writing?

Jandalf: I don't know. Maybe because you like writing me in?

Author: No, that's Darth Warious.

Darth Warious: You called?

PJ: WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! WHO WROTE THIS??????

Author: Me.

Agent Smith: I won't stand for this. (Kills author)

Author: I WILLLLLLL BEEEEEE BACKKKKKKKKK...

Jandalf: Drat...

Agent Smith: Hey, I know you....

Jandalf: Double drat.

Darth Warious: Hey, there's HALDIR!!!!!

PJ: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

Agent Smith: (Somehow kavvams the two random characters out of this story)

PJ: Okay, let's just erase that last last bit...

(Erases that last bit)

Aragorn: We will all DIE!!!!!!

PJ: Okay, we'll delete that one too............

(Deletes it)

Legolas: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

PJ: Sigh.

(Deletes it again)

Agent Smith: Oh, give it a rest. You'll all die anyhow.

Darth Vader: I am your father!!!!!!!!!

Aragorn:

Haldir: Didja know that he breathes too loudly?

PJ: Sigh. Okay, people, let's take it from here again.

Enya: Aren't there suppose to be orcs?

Random Orc: I'm HERE!!!!!!

PJ: Sigh.


And that was that. Now someone else can finish this battle.
-Eowyn Skywalker

[Eowyn Skywalker]

You people are very lazy, you know. What's wrong with the Battle of Helms Deep???????

Oh well...

***

*Star Wars theme music begins to play*

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... erk, wrong movie....

*Rain falls*

Legolas: Sigh, I'm getting wet.

Haldir: Wait five seconds... *counts* *Rain stops* Ah, right on time!

Cricket: Chirp, chirp.

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!!

PJ: Will you quit being all doomday? I'm trying to film!

Tolkien: NOOOOOOOOOOO...

Agent Smith: This is PG 13 sooooooo... *bang*

Tolkien: ???

Arwen: Dodge this, bonehead!

Everyone: Didn't the bang signify the end of Tolkien?

Author: Nope.

Aragorn: I said DYE, you numbskull.

PJ: What's the difference?

Arwen: Difference of what? We're not doing math!

PJ: Sigh... HOWARD, CUE UP THE THEME MUSIC!!!!

Enya: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

PJ: Shhhh... the windows, Enya, think of THE WINDOWS!!!!!!

Cricket: Chirp?

*Theme music: Minas Morgul*

Boromir: WE'RE DOOMED!!!

Aragorn: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DYE!!!!!

*Splash*

Aragorn: Drat. I'm... I'M PURPLE!!!!!! AGGGGHHH!!!!

Boromir: Haa haa haaa.... akk... drat... *Splash* I'M GREEN!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Random orc: Cue up the rain! It's not evil and dark and foreboding anymore!!!!

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson? Is that you?

Random orc: Drat.

PJ: Will you start with the battle???????

Agent Smith: *evil, evil* *rubs hands together* Mwha-ha-ha-ha...

All Urak-hai: Ummm... uh-oh...

Boromir: It's a CONSPIRACY!

*And then, the battle begins...*

Iin Middle-earth, those of the Fellowship fought, for the freedom of Middle-earth... in a galaxy far, far away... sigh, this just isn't going to work...

*Ripoff of the Matrix... bad ripoffs...*

Orc: *finds medal pole somewhere, and uses it to wack all the many Smith clones that appear from no where* I am Mr. Anderson!!!!! Mwha-ha-ha...

Agent Smith: Enough with the bad ripoffs of MY movie. DYE!!!!!!

Orc: *dyes*

All other orcs: *die laughing at now blue orc*

Aragorn: That was too easy.

Agent Smith: So says you.

Urak-hai: I'm BAAAACK!!!!!!

Boromir: Sigh. Here we go again.

***

Please, someone else, go from there!

-Eowyn Skywalker

[Meneltarmacil]

GIMLI: You could have picked a better spot.

LEGOLAS: Shut up. *hits Gimli over the head with a large brick*

GIMLI: *thud*

URUKS: We will, we will, rock you! We will, we will, rock you!

(back in the keep)
RANDOM GUY #1: Well, it could be worse.

RANDOM GUY #2: How so?

RANDOM GUY #1: It could be raining.

*rain starts to fall*

THEODEN: You had to say it, didn't you...

(inside the caves)
RANDOM CAMEO PEOPLE: *cry cry sob cry cry*

EOWYN: *grrrr*

(back on the wall)
ARAGORN: A Eruchin,u-dano i faelas a hyn, an uben tanatha le faelas!
(We're all DOOMED! DOOM! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM!!!!)

GIMLI: *comes to* What? Where am I? What's going on?

LEGOLAS: *points bow at Gimli's head*

GIMLI: Oh, right, *mumblemumblewhimperwhimper*

LEGOLAS: Good. Now stay that way.

ARAGORN: DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOM!

BOROMIR: Boy, are you a pessimist.

ARAGORN: And you're supposed to be dead right now! DIE!!!!

*tosses Boromir off wall*

*Boromir lands on Uruk spear, dies, causes Random Orc #576 to fall over and die*

URUKS: *attack*

THEODEN: *slaps self in face*

[Oddwen]

Gollum: Master must keep up his strength.

Frodo: Gandalf told me that you were not that different from a Hobbit once.

Gollum(double take): He said what? Ugh!

Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.

Gollum: It is now! Yuck!

Frodo: Smmmmeeeeeaaaagol...

Gollum: Stupid wizards...

Frodo: *ahem* Smmmmeeeeaaagoolll?

Gollum: Is there a problem?

Frodo: Isn't that your name?

Gollum: No, that's not our name.

Frodo: Well then...what is your name?

Gollum: Mustn't ask, not its business...gollum gollum!

Frodo: Is it...Ralph?

Gollum: Nope.

Frodo: How about Fred?

Gollum: Lemmie check...nope.

Frodo: What about Floyd?

Gollum: Look Master, we appreciates the attentions, yes we do, but we'd really like to get some...oh, we don't know...SLEEP right now, maybe?

Fro: I bet I know.

Gollum: What?

Fro: Is it...Rumpelstiltskin?

Gollum: A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT! A NAZGUL TOLD YOU THAT!

*And in his fury, Gollum stamped one foot so hard into the marsh that he sunk out of sight*

Fro: Ummmmmm....?


(Let's try this...)

Aragorn: Legolas! What do your elf-eyes see?

Leggy: A cottage! Made all out of gingerbread.

Ara: Well, it's not to be wondered at, astigmatism seems to...a what??

Leggy: A tasty little gingerbread cottage. Can we eat it? Please please please pleasepleaseplease?

*A little old lady hobbles out*

LittleOldLady: Hello, travellers! Come inside, dearies and I'll make you some nice sweets!

Legolas: *drools and starts to hypnotically walk towards her*

Aragorn: Um, thanks all the same, but we're on a mission...

LOL: Oh, it won't take but a minute, and I've just set some pastries to cool!

ARagorn: *wipes a little drool from his face* Well, maybe just a little...

*There is a loud noise and the cottage and the little old lady vaporize. Leggy and Aragorn look up to see Gimli with a vaporizer*

Gimli: Never trust little old ladies.

(So it's late. Sue me. Hee hee hee...)

[Maeggaladiel]

Okay, this looks fun. I'll give it a shot.

PJ-Okay, everyone! This scene is looking great!

Haldir- Whaddya mean great?! This completely deviates from the original texts of Mr. Tolkein!

JRRT- (from closet) Yeah! *Smith kicks him*

Haldir- And what's with that guy? *points to Smith, who looks uncomfortable and starts whistling innocently.*

PJ- Look, dude, I'm taking artistic liscense. You can't make a good film without drama. Tolkein just doesn't have the drama I'm looking for, so I.. *modified* a few things.

Haldir- HA! "Modified," my elven backside! You've completely ruined everything! Like this! *takes out copy of script* Look, it says here that the House of Healing scene has been cut! That's so important to the storyline! And what's all this garbage about Arwen taking Glorfindel's place?

PJ- *sigh* When last I checked, Peter, not Haldir, was director of this film.

EVERYONE ELSE- Ooh, burned!

Theoden- That's MY line!

*LATER THAT EVENING*-- In PJ's Trailer.
PJ- Criticize MY directing, will he? Thinks my script stinks, does he? Hmph! I'll show him! I'll fix his little red wagon!!

*grabs copy of script and a red pen. Crawls under bed with a flashlight.*

PJ- No one will think to look for me here. He'll pay! They'll all pay!!

*Mad scribbling sounds and wicked laughter resonate from trailer.*

**NEXT DAY**

PJ- Erm, Uruk 236, I have a.. um.. new addition to your script.

236- Ooh! Do I finally get the emotional monologue I've been asking for?

PJ- Um, no. But the addition is a reeeeally important part of the story.

236- Oooh! Okay!

PJ- OKAY PEOPLE! Let's get to work! *Haldir passes by. PJ grins wickedly*We're skipping directly to the next scene for the Helm's Deep battle! You'll find it marked in your scripts...

Random Guy- Why are we doing this fight scene? Lego still doesn't have the stair surfing thing down yet.

*Lego gets on shield, grins, starts down stairs. His arms flail wildly, he loses his balance. Sheild flies out from underneath him and sails across set, impailing Uruk 791. Lego falls down stairs and lands in mud.*

PJ- Umm, we'll just skip forward a bit. MEDIC? Annnnd... ACTION!

*Uruk 236 looks into his script. In scribbly, red ink, the words "Get impailed by Haldir's sword" are scratched out and above it is written "Violently impail Haldir with your sword. Then laugh. And taunt him! That little loser..." 236 shrugs.*

236- IMPAIL!! MWAHAHAHA!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES! How was that?

Haldir- What the..? This wasn't in the script!

PJ-*looks dark and evil* It is now!

'Gorn-NOOOOOOO! *Runs to him*

Hal- Don't touch me! My wound will become infected with your filth! Ach!

A- Where does it hurt?

H- Oh, right around the big BLOODY SPOT!!! *dies*

PJ- Mwa ha haaa!

A- No! He owed me money!

PJ- Let this be a lesson to you all: DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF AN ARTISTIC GENIUS!! MUAHAHAHAA!... I mean, um.... Shame that Haldir wasn't wearing that ARMOR that I told him to wear! Oh, dearie me! I forgot to put that in his script! meh heh!

MAEG

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I finally did something on time!

Anywhen, I noticed that the pages have somewhat . . . shifted. I tried to look for the problem, and I saw Meela's Council of Elrond post replaced with this:

To be re-added at a date. (Meela)

Ummm . . . we'll be waiting for that.

With all introductions done, I present my post:
__________________

Gandalf (to Aragorn and Théoden): The fool of a Took won’t talk. I need to call . . . an old friend.

Patrick Stewart appears, riding a wheelchair.

Patrick Stewart: Hello, old friend.

Gandalf: Yeah, yeah. Just read his mind and then get back to shooting X-Men 3.

Mr. Stewart holds Pippin’s head, then concentrates.

Patrick Stewart: There is . . . nothing!

Legolas: You owe me twenty, Gimli.

Patrick Stewart: Wait, there’s something.

Gimli: Nope. You owe me fifty.

Patrick Stewart: I see . . . a child. My son with Arwen!

Arwen (offstage): Hey! That’s my line!

Aragorn: Do we really need him? Let’s just feed him to the Nazgûl and go.

Patrick Stewart: No, wait. I see . . . Sauron’s plans.

Gandalf: How do you know?

Patrick Stewart: It’s on the title bar. Duh?

Aragorn: What does it say?

Patrick Stewart:

Sauron's Plans

1. Destroy Minas Tirith.
2. Send black ships to do something.
3. Give Isildur’s Heir a bath.

Yup, That’s it,

Aragorn: Merciful Menel!

Meneltarmacil: *snork*

Gandalf (to Mr. Stewart): OK, that’s it. Go back to taping X-Men 3 or something. (to Aragorn and Théoden) Now we know the totality of Sauron’s plans. If Minas Tirith falls the Valar’ll have me scrubbing toilets the rest of my life. If the beacons of Rohan are lit, Rohan must be ready for war

Théoden: Tell me, why should we ride to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?

Gandalf: If you don’t go I’ll scrub the toilets with your face.

Aragorn: Théoden is too chicken. I will go.

Gandalf: No.

Aragorn: They must be warned.

Gandalf: They will be. (quietly to Aragorn) You must come to Minas Tirith by another road. Follow the River. Look to the black ships.

Aragorn: But it’s near the water. I’m afraid of the water.

Gandalf (ignoring Aragorn): Understand this, things are now in motion that cannot be undone . . .

Gimli: Here we go again . . . *takes out plastic bag full of earplugs, takes a pair, then hands the bag to the others*
__________________

I just realised we wove in the Star Wars theme quite nicely into the script, and I hope that another theme will do the same.

Tchüss!

[Boromir88]

ty NP and Oddwen.

Council of Elrond

Elrond: Welcome Frodo. Let me introduce you to the other members, starting from left to right. You already know Gandalf, then there's Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir.

Boromir: I'm just here for the refreshments.

Frodo: Who are all these other people?

Elrond: Oh they are just random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, from various places of Middle-Earth.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring Frodo.

[Frodo sets Ring on stone pedestal. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Boromir: Ooooh, give me the Ring. I want it.

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits.]

Elrond: You only have one chance...The ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Gimli: Then what are we waiting for!

[Gimli spins into a kung fu leap and tries to chop the Ring in half with his axe. But fails and falls on his butt.]

Elrond: What are you stupid! Dwarves of all people should know you can't chop a piece of gold in half!

Boromir: Let's get some refresments...and continue this crap later.

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed! It must be taken...

[Aragorn cuts Elrond off.]

Aragorn: Ya, ya, before you go into one of your monologues, we get it, the ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Boromir: Ok! How about we do this! Give me the ring! And let's get them refreshments!

Gandalf: Don't make me get the whip Boromir.

[Boromirs sits]

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said! The Ring must be destroyed!

Aragorn: Thank you Captain obvious.

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of the Elf.

Boromir: Give me the Ring! Problem solved!

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits]

Frodo: I will take it....I will take it.... I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Didn't have to say it three times you know.

Frodo: I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Ok take it.

Boromir: But you won't give it to me?

Gandalf: Boromir sit! Don't make me tell you again. I'll make you my punching bag like I did to your father.

[Boromir sits. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Stay tuned for the forming of the fellowship, coming soon.

[Oddwen]

Hehe, I loved how you did Boromir b88! And

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

is just hilarious.

And Nilp -

Tchüss!

Bless you.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: The forests of...who knows where. I'll just call them "Whatsumfoozits".
Scene: The forests of Whatsumfoozits. Arwen and her grumpy company are travelling for the Grey Havens.
Suddenly, the company is attacked by rock-throwing hobbits. The elves flee the vicinity of the Shire and come unto the forests of...Blartzinoff.

Elrond v.o.: Have you ever just stood and stared at it? Marvelled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people, living out their lives, oblivious.

*Half the elves are freaked out. The horses are restless*

Ev.o.: Take her by the safest road. Don't go near the Shire, or I'll sit you down and make you watch me move my eyebrows.
A ship lies at the Grey Havens. You will recognize the ship, as it is Grey. Do not go near the Blue Havens or the Fuscia Havens. The Grey ship will carry her home, across so wide a sea. The last ride of Arwen Undómiel.
Oh yeah, watch out for strange children in the woods of Blartzinoff. They are known to eat anyone who wanders off the path.


*Suddenly, Arwen sees a vision! An extremely chubby boy runs across her path. Her horse screams and throws her. From her vantage point among the bracken, she sees the child leap into the arms of a grizzled, smelly man. Arwen suddenly recognizes her beau, Aragorn. The child turns to her and meets her gaze with eyes that were as blue as limpid pools of moonlight. But Arwen sees something else..."

Arwen: You stole my necklace! You STOLE it you little brat! Give it BAAACK!

Figwit*restraining her*: No, my lady! Don't do it!

Arwen: Oh, no! I understand! You're Aragorn...when he was a little boy! No doubt Sauron got wind of his heritage and somehow aged him backwards! My poor, poor shmoopie!

Child: *growl snap*

Arwen: Oh, you poor little darling...

Child: Have you ever just stood and stared at it?

Arwen: Wait a minute, I'm on my way to the Grey...Havens...DAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!

*She leaps back up onto the horse, and rides back to Rivendell so fast that the shockwave blasts her entourage far into the forest! They wander all night, but never see the light of day again. The cannibal children, however, eat very well the next morning*

Scene: Elrond is in the gazebo, eating h'ors d'ouvres and prime rib roast.

Arwen: Tell me what you have seen!

Elrond: Yes, I will tell you what I have seen. I saw it when I stood and stared at it, marvelling at its beauty, its genius...

A: No! What did you see in the future about me?!?

E: I looked into the menu of your life and death was your dessert.

A: But you've forgotten the main course. You saw an all-you-can-eat buffet! You saw my son!

E: That buffet is almost depleted.

A: Well, if you hadn't let the hobbits stay here for so long...but anyway, there's still enough for a meal.

E: What were we talking about?

A: Ada, it is time. Reforge the sword of the King.

Fr0m teh ash3s a f|r3 sh4ll b w0kenxors
A l|te fr0m teh shad0w$ sh4ll spr|ng
R3n3w3d sh4ll b blad taht was br0kenxors
Teh crownl3ss aga|n sh4ll b king!!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!! lol!!1!!

E: What are you reading there?

A: I don't know, it's marked "My Diarie"...

E: NOOOOO! *he slaps it from her hand* Hey, your hands are cold. Put some socks on.

A: This was my choice, Ada. Wether you will or nil, there is no ship that would bear me hence.

E: Why?

A*grin*: I knocked holes in all the boats.

E: NOOOOOOOOOOooooo.....

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Und de next scene wuldt be Gundulf and Pippun rrrrreaching de White Tuwur, bork bork!

[Boromir88]

I'll have to wait a little bit, to rep you up for that one oddwen . The return of Figwit! But, I must say, I always that Arwen's horse boy was Glorfindel, and PJ was just trying to give us a slap in the face

[Boromir88]

The crapiest job on Middle-earth.
(On top of a random mountain)
Beacon man #1: So what do you want to do?
Beacon man #2: I don't know what do you want to do?
Beacon man #1: Do you want to light the pile of wood?
Beacon man #2: We can't do that without the signal.
Beacon man #1: Do you want to sleep again?
Beacon man #2: That's all we ever do.
Beacon man #1: How did we get stuck with this job anyway?
Beacon man #2: I can't remember it was 16 years ago...or maybe 17.

Rohan.
(Aragorn busts through the door).
Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Theoden: Tell me, why should we go to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?
Aragorn: Please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Theoden: (perky) Muster the Rohirrim!

[The Elf-warrior]

------------------------------------------

*Gandalf catches up with Shadowfax, mounts him, turns around and picks up Pippin.

Gandalf: Now Shadowfax, let's start this off right. Hi yo, Shadowfax, away! Oh, and show us the meaning of haste.

*Shadowfax starts galloping and the William Tell overture starts playing then shifts to the Rohan theme and changes to the Gondor theme as Shadowfax crosses a boggy stream.

Gandalf: We've just arrived in Gondor. And you'll see Minas Tirith just over the hill.

*Minas Tirith cames into view then Shadowfax clatters along the stone streets of Minas Tirith. They dismount in view of the White Tree and walk up to the royal hall.

Gandalf: Listen Peregrin Took, Denethor is not like Theoden. He is a stern man of great sutilty although he is not a King, only a Steward who would not be amused by Hobbit pertness.

Pippin: What are you talking about?

Gandalf: The line of Kings was broken when...

Pippin: I mean what you said about Hobbit pertness.

Gandalf: (Slaps his hand on his brow.) Oh, Fool of a Took! What about right now, you interrupting me! That's just plain impertenance. Or what about both of your all's conduct when we arrived at Isengard? "The big cheese." indeed! Or, "Yo lords, welcome to Ishengard." That goes beyond pertness. You both could have tried to keep a little composure even while drunk. I was talking about the Hobbit tendency to never be serious about anything. Listen, no drinking booze in Minas Tirith, do you understand, young Peregrin!

Pippin: (Sullenly.) Yes sir.

*They pause at the door.

Gandalf: And no Hobbit pertness, do you really understand?

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: Keep your mouth shut as much as possible when we talk to Denethor, and say nothing about Frodo and the Ring, Boromir and Aragorn.

Pippin: (Sullenly.) All right. I mean yes sir! What's wrong with Boromir and Strider?

Gandalf: Aragorn is the heir to the throne of Gondor! And it is most unwise to break the news of his favorite son and heir's death to a man as mentally unstable as Denethor. To tell him that a man is coming who will supplant his position would be unwise too.

Pippin: Wow, Aragorn is going to be king?

Gandalf: Have you been keeping your head completely in the sand? Be on your best behavior!

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: And get rid of the bad attitude. The only reason you're here is because you looked in the palantir. And that's another reason to keep you away from booze. You wanted to knock yourself out with it thinking it was a bowling ball because your hangover was so bad.

*Pippin looks at Gandalf sheepishly.

Pippin: Yes Gandalf. I will.

Gandalf: That's better.
-----------------------------------------------

The next scene is with Denethor in the royal hall of Minas Tirith.

[Meneltarmacil]

I will not be posting here again until at least December 30th since I am leaving on a ski trip, just to let you know. So please don't dump boiling oil on me for not posting.

I believe Meela would be best at doing the next scene, but if someone else wants to take it, feel free.