Funniest lines in Middle-Earth

[HCIsland]

This is from The Hobbit.

He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.

It made me laugh.

H.C.

[alaklondewen]

You have to love Hobbit wit.

This is Ted Sandyman:
"Oh, they're both cracked," said Ted. "Leastways old Bilbo was cracked, and Frodo's cracking. If that's where you get your news from, you'll never want for moonshine."

That cracks me up every time I read it.

Also at the council of Elrond when Aragorn is talking about his experience with Gollum.
"Lurking by a stagnant mere, peering in the water as the dark eve fell, I caught him, Gollum. He was covered with green slime. He will never love me, I fear; for he bit me, and I was not gentle. Nothing more did I get from his mouth than the marks of his teeth"

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

Ok: i have many favorites, but I'lll post a few: Frodo: What do you want? Aragorn: A little more caution from you, that is no trinket you carry. Frodo: I carry nothing.
Aragorn: Indeed! I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
I really don't know why, but every time I see that scene I start cracking up at the expression on Frodo's face aand everybody gives me strange looks. Hehe [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

I just love this quote by Legoals, (it is definitely one of my favorite quotes by him.) which shows his rare humor (lol), and somebody typed out part of it, but not the whole thing, so here it is:'Well, here is the strangest riddle that we have yet found!' exclaimed Legolas.'A bound prisoner escapes from both the orcs and from the surrounding horsemen. He then stops, while still in the open, and cuts his bonds with an orc- knife. But how and why? For if his legs were tied, how did he walk? And if his arms were tied, how did he use the knife? And if neither were tied, why did he cut the cords at all? Being pleased with his skill, he then sat down and quietly ate some waybread! That at least is enough to show that he is a hobbit, without the mallorn-leaf. After that, I suppose, he turned his arms into wings and flew away singing into the trees. It should be easy to find him: we only need wings ourselves!'

Frodo: No one knows it's here. Do they? Do they, Gandalf?

Pippin: What's that?
Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.
Pippin: It comes in pints? I'm getting one!
Sam: You've had a whole half already! (i like that- but not for the punchline- I love the look of amazing pride in Merry's face when he tells Pippin that he's got a pint- it's so funny!)

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it. (There too- the expressions crack me up)

I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. (It's not funny when you think about it- but I always get this mental image of a bunch of trolls tryin to scrape Bilbo evenly over this giant piece of bread. I dunno.

I thought it was funny in FotR when Pippins like: here come's cousin Frodo, the Lord of the Ring! and Gandalf answers with somethings like: Frodo is not the Lord of the Ring, he sits on the dark throne of Barad- Dur, and does not share his power, to which Pippin answers with something like: O gandalf has been saying plenty of cheerful things like that lately,and I thougth it was pretty funny.

The first time I saw FotR lots of people in the audience were talking, so I thought that when at the council of Elrond Aragorn says: Havo dad, Legolas, he said: You act bad, Legolas, which sorta suprised me as being out of the usual for Middle-Earth language. It was kinda funny when I read the script online to see the mistake. [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

Pippin: Are we lost? Merry: No Pippin: I think we are Merry: Shhh. Pippin: Merry. Merry: What? Pippin: I'm hungry

Arwen: What's this? A Ranger, caught off his guard? (No seriously, I think Aragorn isn't as good as it's meade out. I mean, come on, no matter whether she was an Elf or not, and no matter, how Elvish her horse was, if she could sneak up on him while riding a horse with bells, wow, Middle-Earth Men must be really out of whack.)

Gandalf: If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took.

[While being chased by farmer maggot]
Merry: I don't know why he's so upset. It's only a couple of carrots.
Pippin: And some cabbages. And then those three bags of potatoes we lifted last week, and, and, the mushrooms, the week before.
Merry: Yes, Pippin, my point is, he's clearly over reacting. Run!

[Merry and Pippin are leading the orcs away from Frodo]
Pippin: It's working!
Merry: I know it's working. Run!

Bilbo: No, thank you. We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations.

Frodo: Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.
Gandalf: Indeed?
Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.
Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the Dragon, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door.

I know its kinda long, but here it is.

[TolkienGurl]

One of the funniest parts for me is in Unfinished Tales (which I am finally reading!)

Narn I Hîn Húrin: Túrin in Doriath

"Saeros," [Túrin] said, "there is a long race before you, and clothes will be a hindrance; hair must suffice." And suddenly throwing him to the ground he stripped him, and Saeros felt Túrin's great strength, and was afraid. But Túrin let him up, and then "Run!" he cried "Run! And unless you go as swift as the deer I shall prick you on from behind." And Saeros feld into the wood, crying wildly for help; but Túrin came after him like a hound, and however he ran, or swerved, still the sword was behing him to egg him on.

If you've read this part in UT, you'll think it's funny, too. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ February 07, 2003: Message edited by: TolkienGurl ]

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

I just thought this was classic Pippin unintended humor (it was in the FotR movie): Frodo has been stabbed by a Morgul blade, is writhing on the fround, they are two weeks ride away from Rivendell, and Pippin innocently asks Aragorn: "Is he going to die?" [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Ainaserkewen]

I love the part in the book when Pippin is in Minas Tirith when he finds the boys.
" I am taller than you, and I am 10 already."
And when pippin tell's them he is a wrestler from the shire and would kill him. It's just funny how they each try to out play each other.
"I am 29, so I pass you there."
"You are old, as old as my uncle Irolas!"
I don't remember the exact quote. [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

One of the funniest parts i think is in the fell in a conspiracy unmasked. Frodo is about to tell them what hes up to and pippin whispers to merry: "it's coming out in a minute." its hilarious. i was in the library when i first read it and i stared cracking up...i got a lot of strange looks. well anyway i thought it was funny/

[Thor]

This shows where a hobbit's true feelings lie:

"There's something fishy in this, my dear. I believe that mad Baggins is off again. Silly old fool. But why worry? He hasn't taken the vittles with him."

I just love that dry humour in Tolkien!

hahaha

There's some good quotes here, but I'm guessing not as many people found Treebeard as funny as i did [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]. I guess it was just the whole idea of him taking forever to do things and continually insisting he was "unhasty". I like the line (reffering to Pippin) "After a long time ... he found himself wondering, since Entish was such an 'unhasty' language, whether they had yet got further then Good Morning" [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

I also like after you get the feeling they've been there for a while all that Treebeard can come up with was that the Entmoot decided Merry and Pippin weren't Orcs. Dunno about anyone else but I burst out laughing when i read that. Eh, ah well, just thought i'd add my bit in [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Aerandir Carnesir]

One of my favorite lines in the books is in the scourging of the Shire. Sam's Gaffer says to Frodo,"And while you've been trapessing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, though what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!" The whole concept of 'taters' is very funny to me. Or in the movie when Sam is cooking up Smeagol's conies and Sam says,"What we need is some good taters" Smeagol says,"W-what are taters...precious?" and Sam says,"PO-TA-TOES" that just cracks me up!!! The conversation's Sam and Smeagol have in the movie are hilarious!!! I especially like Smeagol's conversations with himself in the movie and his song when he catches the fish in the forbidden pool. [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[HCIsland]

This comes as Gandalf is preparing Pippin to meet Denethor and is warning him to be carefull about what he says, especially in regard to Aragorn.

Gandalf: Do as I bid! It is scarcely wise when bringing the news of the death of his heir to a mighty lord to speak over much of the coming of one who will, if he comes, claim the kingship. Is that enough?

"Kingship?" said Pippin amazed.

"Yes," said Gandalf. "If you have walked all these days with closed ears and mind asleep, wake up now!"

Any Gandalf-Pippin interaction is usually worth a laugh.

By the way, another Treebeard fan here as atested by my sig line. I think he's pretty funny too.

H.C.

[Amarie]

Thingol: What of your quest, and of your vow?
Beren: It is fulfilled. Even now a Silmaril is in my hand.

[Purple Monkey]

"Ai, ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" usually has me in hysterics, as well as another few (suspiciously) feminine lines from our dear Master Elf.

[Purple Monkey]

Not that I'm suggesting anything of course. ;-) What about this one;



"Why it will take weeks before we get all these things sized up!"



"Weeks indeed," said Pippin. "And then Frodo will have to be locked up in a tower in Minas Tirith and write it all down. Otherwise he will forget half of it, and poor old Bilbo will be dreadfully disappointed."

[Sleeping Beauty]

This is some good stuff. I needed a laugh, it's been raining incessantly here. [img]smilies/redface.gif[/img]

But here's my favorite quote. It's from the Fellowship:

Gently he stipped off Frodo's old jacket and gave a gasp of wonder. Then he laughed...."Look, my friends!" he called. "Here's a pretty hobbit-skin to wrap an elven princeling in! If it were to be know that hobbits had such hides, all the hunters in Middle-Earth woul'd be riding to the Shire."
"Then all the arrows of all the hunters in the world would have been spent in vain!" said Gimli, gazing at the coat in wonder.

Yeah, it's long. But I always get the mental image of Frodo cringing when Aragorn took the mithril coat off and Gimli doing a wide-eyed wonder thing. Plus, the mental images of hobbit hides hanging over a fireplace in a castle somewhere has been a source of amusement. [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[ February 21, 2003: Message edited by: Sleeping Beauty ]

[Lady Alasse]

I am not certain where my copy of Lord of the Rings is at this moment. but one of my favorites is the line by Gollum "Is it scrumpious, my precious. Is it crunchable."
-I'm not certain if I have gotten this completly right but it must be fairly close. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Lady Alasse]

I just remembered another of my favorite funny parts. I think it is hilarious when Pippin is instisting that he isn't a man he's a hobbit. I can't remember the exact words of this either

[Gil-Galad]

heres one i remember from the movie

Legolas: elven bread can fill a grown size man with one bite
Pippin: how many did you have?
Merry: 4

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

gandalf says when he's talking about mr butterbur forgetting the letter for frodo he says "If he forgets i shall roast him!"

ha hahahha a ahaha ah ahh ah i love that

[Lily Bracegirdle]

When Butterbur sees the mess the Nazgul have made of the hobbits' room:

"Never has such a thing happened in my time!" he cried, raising his hands in horror. "Guests unable to sleep in their beds, and good bolsters ruined and all! What are we coming to?"

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
-Lily

[ February 21, 2003: Message edited by: Lily Bracegirdle ]

[doug*platypus]

LOL! Good call. Undead sorcerors have just ridden down the gates at Bree, looking for their master's ultimate evil weapon. But worse than that, Barley's pillows are ruined!

Pippin takes a lot of the funniest lines in the book, like when Sam puts a sack as a substitute for Frodo's head: "Very lifelike!"

You're right, Aerandir Carnesir, the Gaffer is a great source of larfs. How's this one:

What's come of his weskit? I don't hold with ironmongery, whether it wears well or no!

This one is from the "Two Towers."
"The next morning we went to Entmoot,a gethering of Ents, that is, and the queerest thing I have ever seen in my life." I think it's hilarious, I don't know if it's supposed to be. (And ignore all potential homosexual connotations) Also, I've been saying "Ai Ai, a Balrog!" all morning.

How about this one:
==When the Hobbits and Gandalf arrived at Bree, Return of the King==

<quote>'Well, that sounds more hopeful, I'll allow,' said Butterbur. 'And it will be good for business, no doubt. So long as he lets Bree alone.'
'He will,' said Gandalf. 'He knows it and loves it.'
'Does he now?' said Butterbur looking puzzled. 'Though I'm sure I don't know why he should, sitting in his big chair up in his great castle, hundreds of miles away. And drinking wine out of a golden cup, I shouldn't wonder. What's _The Pony_ to him, or mugs o' beer? Not but what my beer's good, Gandalf. It's been uncommon good, since you came in the autumn of last year and put a good word on it. And that's been a comfort in trouble, I will say.'
'Ah!' said Sam. 'But he says your beer is always good.'
'He says?'
'Of course he does. He's Strider. The chief of the Rangers. Haven't you got that into your head yet?'
It went in at last, and Butterbur's face was a study in wonder. The eyes in his broad face grew round, and his mouth opened wide, and he gasped. 'Strider!' he exclaimed when he got back his breath. 'Him with a crown and all and a golden cup! Well, what are we coming to?'</quote>

[img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
I think any interaction between Pippin and merry, or any of Gandalf's reprimands are hilarious.
THE SWORD THAT WAS BROKEN SHALL BE REFORGED
THE CROWNLESS AGAIN SHALL BE KING

[Sapphire_Flame]

"I don't know how you feel with small rag-tag dangling behind you; but the rag-tag is tired and will be glad to stop dangling and lie down." *Merry*

"Gandalf has been saying many cheerful things like that. He thinks I need keeping in order." *Pippin*

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." *Bilbo*

And a movie-verse one to wrap up this post...
"The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It'll be the last thing he expects." *Pippin*

[Alatáriël Lossëhelin]

I always liked the part where Aragorn is leading the hobbits through the Midgewater Marshes.
"I am being eaten alive!" cried Pippin. "Midgewater! There are more midges than water!"
"What do they live on when they can't get hobbit?" asked Sam, scratching his neck.

[Iarwain]

Perhaps someone's already said this one, but Bilbo in the Hobbit when he thinks of his fireplace and hankerchiefs and warm food "not for the last time" I've always loved that kind of stuff!

Gandalf at the beginning of the Hobbit talking about Bilbo's good morning, very funny.

[Samwise Gamgee]

Only Sam can bring humour to everything - even when things are really serious. His sarcasm to Gollum is the funniest thing in LotR

[Estella Brandybuck]

My favorite funny quote has already been mentioned on this page:

"And while you've been trapessing in foreign parts, chasing Black Men up mountains from what my Sam says, though what for he don't make clear, they've been and dug up Bagshot Row and ruined my taters!"

Gotta love the Gaffer. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Finwe]

I think one of the funniest lines in the movie was when Aragorn said, "I know what hunts you." to Frodo. It made me think of a crowd of rabid Nazgirls chasing after Frodo, and him running like he does to the ferry.

Another hilarious line is the universally famous, "Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" It made me think of Legolas squealing and jumping up on a chair if a rat came into the room. "Ai! Ai! A MouseRog has come!"

[Idunn]

Aragorn:"...for these horsemen are riding back down the orc-trail. We may get news from them.
Or spears, said Gimli."

"In one thing you have not changed, dear friend, said Aragorn: you still speak in riddles.
What? In riddles? said Gandalf. No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to."
Very nice of Gandalf, isn't it? [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Cúdae]

From Mandos to Feanor: "Not the first."

[dead silence]

Okay, maybe I'm the only one who found that funny. But seriously, if you look at the context, it does seem rather funny. Or maybe I just have a strange sense of humour.

Here's another I always find amusing in the Silmarillion:

(Glaurung speaking to Turin) "Thankless fosterling. outlaw, slayer of thy friend, and deserter of thy kin."

That probably shouldn't seem funny, but everytime I read it, I can't help but laugh. Poor Túrin.

*looks around uneasily* I do have a strange sense of humour...

[Evisse the Blue]

Another one of Gollum's dry humour:
Frodo asks:

"Must we cross these evil-smelling fens?"
"No, no need at all", said Gollum. Not if hobbits want to reach the dark mountains and to go see Him very quick"

And from the same trek through the Dead Marshes - Sam thinking to himself:

Three precious Gollums in a row we shall be, if this goes on much longer.

[Kaiserin]

My favorite ME funnies:

1 - From The Hobbit: William and Bert the trolls arguing how they would cook and eat the dwarves - "Shall we sit on them and squish them and turn them into jelly?" or something like that. It really cracked me up, that whole scene when Bilbo gets called a burrahobbit

2 - Bilbo says, "I cook better than I cook, if you know what I mean".

3 - Legolas and Gimil at Helm's deep, trying to top each other and keeping count of how many orcs they've bashed. And Master Elf wins by one!

4 - That whole coney-cooking conversation between Gollum and Sam. Taters and all.

[Amarantha_Daisy]

2 - Bilbo says, "I cook better than I cook, if you know what I mean".

*laughs* I love that line! It's one of my favorites.

"Themselves they named Khazad, but the Sindar called them Naugrim, the Stunted People,"

That's from the Silmarillion, and I don't think it was meant to be funny, but that whole "Stunted People" thing makes me laugh. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Silly dwarves...

[ August 15, 2003: Message edited by: Amarantha_Daisy ]

[Firnantoonion]

I like the sentence wich merry says during the scouring of the shir: if i knew this, I had stuffed my tobacco-sac into Saruman's throat... just imagina an angry hobbit doing this [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

also the game legolas and Gimli are playing at Helm's deep is funny, but it really is Gimli who wins Kaiserin.

[Nerindel]

Here is two I found amusing from my favourite chapter in the hobbit: Inside information

'I've done it! This will show them. More like a grocer than a burgar, indeed! Well, we'll hear no more of that.'

Bilbo after he steals the cup from Smaug [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

'I am he that buries his friends alive and drowns them and draws them alive again from water.I came from the end of a bag, but no bag went over me.'

hehehe Bilbo again, ok! ok! I admit it I just love the whole Bilbo and Smaug riddling talk [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] (the only right way to speak to a dragon of course [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] )

[TheSquireof Aragorn]

This may have been mentioned already but I love this line-Bilbo"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." Also the scene where Merry is inquiring about his pack that he thinks has been lost in the Battle of Pellenor Fields, and Aragorn plays around with him.

[Lush]

As Aragorn & Co. are about to set out on the Paths of the Dead, to get the "forgotten people" to aid them:

Gimli, quite deadpan: "I hope that the forgotten people will not have forgotten how to fight...for otherwise I see not why we should trouble them."

[Gilbo]

I've always liked the meeting with Ghan-Buri-Ghan when he says(not exact) Me think the Seakings eat stone. Remarking on the Numenorean building crafts. (TTT is my favorite book)
Ent draughts; Quickbeam; Treebeards references to Saruman, post flooding; hobbits at Orthanc; so much more.
Movies: after setting off the dragon rocket, Merry and Pip, faces blackenned like a LooneyTune cartoon, saying "Let's get another!"
M&P at the Pony,"That is a Pint!" "I'm getting one!"
[img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]