Will Jackson insert Thranduil and Tauriel in future LOTR editions?

[Michael Murry]

I haven't commented here at the Downs for several years now, mostly because I thought the knowledgable Tolkien community had thoroughly disposed of the Peter Jackson Killer Elf-Chick Love Interest (Release 1: "Itaril"; Release 2: "Tauriel") in the three bloated-with-Hollywood-cheese "Hobbit" films. For my part, I sat through each film precisely once years ago and would never waste a minute of my time doing so again. Still, when I thought of dropping by the site to collect my admittedly misogynist, misanthropic, scatological verse compositions lampooning the ridiculous Killer Elf Chick character -- in both of her successive incarnations -- I discovered this thread still mentioning the names Thranduil and "Tauriel" in connection with Peter Jackson and future LOTR editions. Has anyone actually proposed such a dreadful possibility?

Anyway, I can't envision what anyone could possibly do with these two "character concepts" in an LOTR context, but I suppose one would first have to deal with where we find them at the end of The Hobbit. I've previously written some verse on this subject (somewhere back in 2016)"Unrequited Elf/Dwarf Libido," but just on the spur of the moment, how about a terza rima sonnet:

Available for Future Sexploitation

King Thranduil of Murkwood Forrest faced
A grim dilemma: What to do with her:
The Elf-chick “captain” of his “guard” disgraced

By conduct which of rights ought to incur
Dismissal for desertion, at the least,
Or plaything object of droit du seigneur.

Since she had not performed the two-backed beast
With either Young Elf Lord or dwarf, why not?
Her value, otherwise, had truly ceased

Except as a digression from the plot
Whose end requires a resolution deft
As it grows near and reeks of fan-fic rot.

We leave her with her just deserts, bereft:
The dwarf died and the Young Elf Lord just left.

[Morthoron]

Samwise asked Gandalf if orc-chicks were hot,
The wizard raised an eyebrow and replied, "I think not."

[Michael Murry]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Samwise asked Gandalf if orc-chicks were hot,
The wizard raised an eyebrow and replied, "I think not."

Thanks for the couplet. Incisive, as well as inspirational. This takes us into the LOTR "future." But how to get there from here in the past at Hobbit's end? A "romantic" possibility:

There and Here and There Again

Samwise had the hots for Rosie Cotton
But orc-chicks, in a pinch, might just come through,
Especially since Gandalf had Shanghaied him
To spend a year out on the road with few,
If any, opportunities for spawning
While watching Frodo stroke his ring: a clue
To why his master never seemed to notice
A thing both female and one half of two
Which qualities -- for Samwise like all sailors
In port for just a day -- would have to do.

But this takes us somewhat beyond our story:
The Hobbit movies' end left strings untied
With Thranduil and Tauriel uncertain
About what their relationship implied.
King Thranduil's son Legolas had vanished
To search out one man with a lengthy stride
(At that time ten years old in Elrond's keeping,
Which Thranduil did not disclose. He lied?)
So Legolas must search in vain for decades
Till Aragorn and he somehow collide.

Which leaves the killer Elf-chick and her problem:
If no Young Elf Lord or hung dwarf remains,
The "Lovely Triad" has two missing angles.
Supplying them presents a pair of pains.
But undismayed, our writers of pre-sequels
Concoct a plan, though not one rife with brains.
Just send her to the future where Sam Gamgee
And Smeagol/Gollum meet on Mordor's plains.
There Tauriel "relieves" both horny Hobbits.
Ménage à trois restored: no stress, no strains.

-- Michael Murry, The Misfortune Teller (2020)