The Battle of the 5+ Armies

[Inziladun]

We move to Dol Guldur where Gandalf is in a cage. Just when an orc is about to kill him, they zoom on bare female feet which I think we've seen a few times before. Galadriel picks Gandalf up and carries him some way until the Nine assault her, but lo! she is not alone! Elrond and Saruman join the fight and Galadriel brings our sleeping beauty Gandalf back to life with a kiss (a chaste one, on the forehead), and then Radagast rides in with the Rhogobel rabbits ("NO RABBITS NO!" said Nogrod, who was sitting next to me) and takes Gandalf to safety. The Nine reappear, accompanied by a fiery creature that looks very much like the outline of Sauron's armour and says that the time of the elves is over and the time of the orcs has come. Luckily we have Ring-a-dong-Galadriello! She banishes the Necromancer with very Tom Bombadilesque lines, and Saruman concludes that everything is well in the realm again. And here I thought the Three didn't reveal themselves to Sauron!

This alone made me wish your review, Legate, was actually a wicked piece of satire. I do thank you for subjecting yourself to that, and sparing me from A. Having to watch it, and B. Having to contribute to Mr. Jackson's own dragon-pile of gold for the "experience".

All this, and two other films, to cover a book that in my paperback clocks in at a paltry 365 pages, and still manages to be a great story that has stood the test of time for well over half a century.

[Tar-Jêx]

What if instead of the White Council beating up the Necromancer, it was Tom Bombadil himself? That would be a great way to break the character and annoy the hell out of every fan. I can see PJ sitting on his golden throne, laughing at us.

[Bêthberry]

So Tauriel doesn't die? Will she be in a super extended edition of LotR?

[Aganzir]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

So Tauriel doesn't die? Will she be in a super extended edition of LotR?

Indeed she doesn't! The last we see of him is when she cries by Kili's corpse and says to Thranduil: "If this is love, I don't want it. Please, take it away from me!" He, having earlier questioned their love, tells her it hurts so badly because it was true love. No idea what happens to her afterwards, which I'm not very happy about because she had potential to be something else than a mere love interest.

[Galadriel55]

Originally Posted by Aganzir

Yes Bilbo, if I were in your shoes I'd also be confused about what Thorin meant to me, but what's this queer baiting?

Martin Freeman is just a little bit confused:



Or, even better:

Originally Posted by Aganzir

Indeed she doesn't!

What! No way!

[Zigûr]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

Martin Freeman is just a little bit confused:

Ugh, that "I'm not gay," line in Sherlock Series 3 was ghastly. Subtlety is not those writers' forte in my opinion.

As usual here in Australia we have to wait until Boxing Day for Hobbit 3 so that the cinema companies can wring as much profit as possible out of the public.

I think it's baffling that so few commentators on these films have observed how severely the message of the film's own story completely contradicts and even attacks its form and manner of distribution. It should be in the same space as something like the film adaptation of The Day of the Locust - a Hollywood film attacking Hollywood and Hollywood culture for being shallow and frenzied. Here we have a story about the evils of greed presented in an extremely greedy fashion. Surely the sequences that have been mentioned in this film will bring that into sharper relief.

[A Little Green]

On the up side:
- No Bombur falling over or Bombur eating
- Next to no funny violence; this was what upset me most about the first two films so I was very relieved to see so little of it
- Cute dwarf moments; we see more of Dwalin than in the previous ones and he is super epic, and Balin is lovely as always (and him kneeling by Thorin's body with a hand over his face was possibly the saddest thing in the whole film)
- Bard is nice and epic, although they overdid the whole "defending his family" thing a bit
- The scene where Bilbo delivers the Arkenstone to Thranduil and Bard was good overall, and Bard's facial expressions are hilarious.
- Bilbo in general. Martin Freeman does a really good job.
- White Council bonding. The Dol Guldur scene was rather weird, but Elrond supporting a collapsed Galadriel was super cute.
- Fili's death was really quite brutal, and Thorin's face when he watches it - oh dear.
- Thorin's death scene was also quite beautiful and sad, even if they had cut my favourite line in half.
- The very end, predictable but worked well.

On the down side -
- Broken spines. I was happy with the lack of funny violence, but I did get annoyed by people being thrown back first into stone walls or down stairs or down a cliff and just jumping to their feet unharmed. Tauriel alone would have died, like, seven times?
- Speaking of Tauriel, the whole Kili-Tauriel thing really got out of hand in this one, accounting for the most awkward scene I've seen in the cinema for a very long time.
- The women in general; there's one cool Laketown woman (although she never got the badass moment they were clearly building up), and Galadriel has a cool moment, but f. ex. the only role for Bard's daughters is to look scared and scream. Which would be fine for the smaller girl, but the older one is nearly an adult and still does nothing but whimpers while her little brother takes care of everything.
- The absurd animals that appear and disappear without explanation. Like the convenient rams Thorin & co ride that appear out of nowhere and then disappear just as mysteriously when they're no longer needed, or the Mongolian Death Worms that conveniently dig tunnels for Azog & co, or Dain's pig that looks exactly like a pig in an earlier Laketown scene (maybe he stole it), or the bats that are "bred for only one purpose... to be Legolas's ski lift".
- The Thorin-Bilbo-thing that went beyond bromance into something else.
- The script in general. There was no real sense of an intact plot that starts from one point and leads to another. Rather it was an assortment of scenes and epic moments and corny dialogue and absurd plot twists.
- Thorin's greed. It's not presented as Thorin being a good guy who happens to be also greedy - that would be too ambivalent for PJ I suppose - but rather OMG DRAGON SICKNESS!!!! so Thorin can still be a flawless hero who just spent a while in psychosis. Yawn.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Originally Posted by Aganzir

Indeed she doesn't! The last we see of him is when she cries by Kili's corpse and says to Thranduil: "If this is love, I don't want it. Please, take it away from me!" He, having earlier questioned their love, tells her it hurts so badly because it was true love. No idea what happens to her afterwards, which I'm not very happy about because she had potential to be something else than a mere love interest.

She will be in a sequel: The Return of the Shadow.

Originally Posted by Zigûr

I think it's baffling that so few commentators on these films have observed how severely the message of the film's own story completely contradicts and even attacks its form and manner of distribution. It should be in the same space as something like the film adaptation of The Day of the Locust - a Hollywood film attacking Hollywood and Hollywood culture for being shallow and frenzied. Here we have a story about the evils of greed presented in an extremely greedy fashion. Surely the sequences that have been mentioned in this film will bring that into sharper relief.

I agree with that. I had already concluded a bit earlier that "if more filmmakers valued cheer and song above hoarded gold, the world would be a merrier place."

[Tar-Jêx]

Hang on a minute, PJ basically shoved that really important theme of greed off to the side?

What?

I can understand shoving off important scenes like Dain becoming king. That can be justified (barely). But greed was one of the most important themes of the whole story. Adding in random rubbish is bad enough, but making greed, a major theme, less important than Tauriel and Kili's disgusting romance is unforgivable.

[Aganzir]

Originally Posted by Zigûr

Ugh, that "I'm not gay," line in Sherlock Series 3 was ghastly. Subtlety is not those writers' forte in my opinion.

You know I sometimes kept forgetting Steven Moffat wasn't involved in writing this!

In any case, it's not necessarily uncanonical that Bilbo had feelings for Thorin - after all, he was referred to as queer more than once in the books! It's at least better justified than pairing Frodo/Sam, in my opinion.

[Morthoron]

Meanwhile, over at ToRn, they are high-fiving each other joyously with happy Hobbit erections, fluffed, as it were, with Jacksonian enthusiasm.