Itaril

[Galadriel55]

Amazing poetry!
I have one question for you, though - why be inspired by an unexisting character in the books and an unexisting one yet in the movies, just out of curiosity?

[TheMisfortuneTeller]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

I have one question for you, though - why be inspired by an unexisting character in the books and an unexisting one yet in the movies, just out of curiosity?

First off, I would find human wisdom, compassion, and love inspiring, too -- if I could locate suitable examples. Unfortunately, I have to work with the material at hand.

Second, I continue checking on the IMDB (Internet Movie Database) website -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/fullcredits -- where I continue to see the pseudo-role of "Itaril" associated with the name of teenage actress Saoirse Ronan. Absent any official denial, I have to take this cast listing as evidence of "existence" in the forthcoming films.

Third, I must assume -- in accordance with Murphy's Law -- that anything the film makers CAN do wrong, they WILL do wrong. As a specific example of this universal truism, I submit the recent collaboration between Peter Jackson and Saoirse Ronan that resulted in the critical and box-office turkey known as "The Lovely Skeleton" (or something like that).

Finally, apart from writing verse as a form of self-help psychotherapy, I wish to do my part in a campaign of guerrilla preemptive lampooning: one that effectively articulates the utter absurdity of including a fan-girl love-interest "warrior" into a simple story that neither needs nor can likely survive such moronic meddling. Hopefully, if enough concerned cinema consumers protest loudly and long enough, someone in a position to scrap this stupidity will come to their senses and do so. Consequently, I offer another poetic polemic, entitled:

"Implausible Cliché Scenarios"

She thought she'd live a life of dedication
To fighting in her Woodland King's defense
But found that exercise and perspiration
Brought little in the way of compensation
And left her feeling frustrated and tense.

A young Elf Lord then made his due appearance
Which caused the Lovely Skeleton to swoon
And fantasize that with some perseverance
She might obtain her king's discharge and clearance
To consummate some "love" beneath the moon.

But she had signed a contract with conditions:
Like, "No liaisons with the royalty!"
In order to avoid undue suspicions
That hanky-panky might screw up the missions,
Morale required enforced celibacy.

However, girls can dream about "romances"
With young Elf lords so eager to undress.
What talent lacks, some pulchritude enhances,
And starting near the top improves the chances
For sleeping up the ladder of success.

Then Bilbo, Gandalf, and some dwarves upended
Her dreams when they came blundering on scene.
And thus she found her reveries suspended
When duty called and greedy foes contended
For treasure guarded by a dragon mean.

She suited up for fighting then, deflated,
For as her part demanded, she must die.
The writers of the script had her created
To love a young Elf Lord she never dated
While only grinning goblins said: "Goodbye!"

So do not ask and do not tell the story
Of what transpires when elf-chicks "love" and "fight."
No cliché in the gimmick inventory,
By age and repetition rendered hoary
Can compensate with heat for lack of light.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011

[Morthoron]

With all this Mary-Sue meter, I believe a Clerihew is called for:

Of the dubious character Itaril,
Some may call her a bitter pill;
Yet along came Saoirse Ronan
To play this Elfess Conan.

[Galadriel55]

Itaril (or Saoirse Ronan) should be proud to have a thread full of poetry devoted to her!

[Galadriel]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

Itaril (or Saoirse Ronan) should be proud to have a thread full of poetry devoted to her!

Not just proud, but honoured that she has a thread full of poetry devoted to her by (mostly) purists.

[TheMisfortuneTeller]

You misunderstand. Not poetry devoted to her, but a polemic aimed at her. Therein lies a world of difference. I guess I'd better try again with:

The Lovely Elf-Chick Security Guard

I didn't see The Lovely Fossil movie.
The subject of the film did not appeal.
Dead girls reanimated "up in heaven"?
You must be joking, Peter. Please get real.

And now you want to screw up Tolkien's Hobbit
By writing in a role that isn't clear?
Just for an actress who has played a dead girl?
(And not to great success, or so I hear.)

I know you'd like to make a ton of money
With all the franchise toys and games and such.
But elf-chick Barbie Dolls sold at McDonalds?
You really don't think that's a bit too much?

And what gives with this Young Elf Lord we've heard of?
Her "secret" love for him just reeks of cheese.
The last we heard he had a Dwarf companion
Whom he preferred to everything but trees.

So after she's killed Smaug and giant spiders;
Slayed orcs and goblins, wargs, and evil men,
While saving Middle Earth and Bilbo Baggins
And Gandalf and some Dwarves -- what happens then?

It seems that you don't have much of a story
From which to make two films where one would do
And therefore need "additions" to "improve" things
To which this Tolkien "purist" says: screw you!

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011

[Galadriel55]

I wish PJ would read that!