Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part III -- well, actually it's the Riddles in the Dark chapter of the book, but due to the time compression necessary in film-making, it was decided necessary to fold one chapter into another, like eggs in a bowl, smooshing them up nicely with some cheese, onions and green pepper (actually anachronistic, as the capsicum was unknown to the Old World until Columbus' discoveries) for a Tolkien omlette...perhaps with crispy bacon on the side, and some nice toast (not too burnt), slathered in butter. Mmmmmmm.....

*Daunting silence*

Narrator: Ummm...heh...We were last in the very bowels of the mountains and Bilbo had won the riddle contest (although by rather underhanded means), and he was waiting for the creature Gollum to live up to his side of the deal (and as their was no legal remediation or collective bargaining at this juncture in Middle-earth history, Gollum was perforce impelled to perform the terms of his verbal agreement).

Bilbo: [impatiently] Well? I want to go. You promised to show the way.

Gollum: Did we say so, precious? Show the cheatin' little bugger out, yesss, yessss. But what has it got in its pocketses, that rascal Puff? Not strings or sealing wax or other fancy stuff! Oh no! Gollum!

Bilbo: Never you mind. A promise is a promise!

Gollum: Ss-ss-ss, Cross it is, irascibly brusque, precious. But it musn't go yet, no it mustn't. We mustn't go through tunnels so hasty. We must gets us some travel aids first, yes things to help us, gollum.

Bilbo: Well, hurry it up. I'm starting to feel like a mushroom in this dank dark.

Narrator: And so Gollum paddled off in his little boat (how he managed to find wood in a subterranean cave is anyone's guess), and unbeknownst to Bilbo, went to a secret island in the middle of the lake where he kept his precious, his treasure (so I guess it was a Treasure Island), a very beautiful and wondrous thing. He had a ring, a golden ring. it was given to him by his cousin Deagolovitz many years ago as a present. He wanted to slip his ring on, his precious, and thus become invisible (as it was a magic ring, although not rabbinically kosher perhaps), so as to throttle the uppity gentile Hobbit in the dark.

Gollum: My Bar-Mitzvah present! Where isss it? Oy veh, were issss it?

Bilbo: What's the matter?

Gollum: It mustn't ask, mishugenah. It's losssst, golem, golem, golem!

Bilbo: Well, so am I! And I want to get unlost. You never guessed my last riddle and you promised!

Gollum: Never guessed! Ss-ss-sss--sss...What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Well, perhaps I'll...ummm...try to find my own way out myself, while you ...errrr...find whatever it is you lost.

Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Thank you so much for the splendid time. I don't believe I've ever had such an enchanting chat...in a dark cave with a menacing green creature such as yourself.

Narrator: Bilbo knew the jig was up and that Gollum meant to make matzoh balls out of him. He ran madly back up the tunnel from whence he came. Gollum's angry hissing came ever closer and his eyes appeared as green lamps in the darkness. Suddenly, Bilbo's rush to escape ended abruptly as he tripped on a snag, and he tumbled in a ragged heap on the stone. For no apparent reason save for pushing the plot forward, he felt the ring in his pocket.

Bilbo: What could that Gollum be missing? Could it be...? Hmmm.

*Gollums ran right by Bilbo, who unknowingly had slipped the ring on*

Gollum: Where did he go? Cursed Bagginses, we hates it! Hates it forever!

*Due to the lack of comedic pacing, the scene abruptly changes to a green glen among a stand of pine trees on the far side of the mountain*

Bilbo: And that, dear Gandalf and master dwarves, is how I escaped the creature Gollum and the orcs and passed through the secret door.

Gandalf: Ummm...but you haven't told us anything.

Bilbo: I haven't?

Gandalf: No, you began at the finish with no start or in-between whatsoever.

Bilbo: Well, you know what they say: keep it secret, keep it safe.

Gloin: I have heard that before.

Gandalf: Yes, it does sound vaguely familiar, but I fail to see how it applies...

*The sound of snarling and howling wargs echoes through the hills*

Bilbo: What's that?

Gandalf: Our next big-budget action sequence. Run everyone! The wargs are coming!

Thorin: Dash it all! The slopes are too steep hereabouts. We can't outrun them, and we have no weapons. We'll have to climb the trees!

*The Panicked escapees frantically scramble up the fir trees just in the nick of time, for the ferocious wargs, huge wolfish creatures, arrived in the clearing*

*The wargs slather and snarl around each tree, speaking in their gruff growls*

Bilbo: What are they saying Gandalf?

Gandalf: I can’t very well translate aloud, Bilbo, or else we may lose our PG rating. Needless to say, they are being quite rude. [cackling loudly] How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

*Gandalf begins pitching fiery fir-cones down on the wargs, which ignite as soon as they hit the beasts’ pelts (or, more poetically, flying fir-fire fearfully flaming foul fur, as it were)*

Bilbo: Hah! They’re on the run! Those are some hot dogs! [a drum and snare sound in the distance with a pronounced ba-dump-bump]

Gandalf: Ah, but look: the Goblins are here. It appears we are out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Bilbo: Oh, I like that! Mind if I use that for the book I’m writing? The working title is ‘Bilbo Baggins: A Glorious Retrospective of the Legendary Hero’.

Gandalf: [irritatedly] It might be titled ‘Hobbit Hash’ if we can’t get out of this mess. Even now the Goblins are fanning the fire below us!

Goblin #1: Garn, wha’ do we ‘ave ‘eer me boyos? A captive audience, it seems! Janet, line up the sopranos and altos. I think some serenadin’s in order ‘eer.

Gandalf: Not more singing!

Goblins:

O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
It reeks of scorching wizard’s beard,
But in the warmth we still find cheer.
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!

No use to chop to get our crop --
They’re sure to drop before they pop!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!

Goblin #2: [Sobbing] Sniff! That song always chokes me up.

Goblin #1: There, there, Betty, you always were a softy.

Gandalf: Go way, little boys! It’s not time for your curdled carols! You know what happens to brats who play with fire?

Goblin #1: I dunno. But I’m sure you’ll be a’telling us once you’re well-done! Let’s give him another, boyos!

Goblins:

Gandalf roasting on an open fire,
Dwarf beards singed below their nose.
Hobbit feet burnt up in the pyre,
And Orcs await the afterglow --
Everybody knows --
That turkey tastes like Hobbit toes,
Or chicken fingers fried just right.
‘Tater-tots and mushrooms I’m told
Are the perfect sides for Baggins tonight…

Goblin #1: Hey, look! What to my wond’ring eyes should appear?

Goblin #2: What, a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer?

Goblin #1: No, you dolt, it’s the Eagles!

Narrator: More rapid than coursers the eagles they came, And Gandalf whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Landroval! now, Thorondor! now, Meneldor and Gwaihir! On, Miley! on Lindsey! on, Britney and Paris! To the top of the trees they had answered the call, grabbed them up in their talons, and dashed away all!

TO BE CONTINUED…

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER V: Wargses and Eagles and Bears (Oh my!)

Narrator: And so the Beagles, great fluffy puppies of the north, saved Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves from the dreadful fire set by the Goblins. These curious canines had sensed goblinish mischief afoot and had come down from their mountain kennels, baying boldly in the moonlight like their noble sires, the hunting hounds of the Vala Oromë...

*The narrator is handed a slip of paper*

Narrator: Strike that last paragraph. It would seem it was the Eagles of the North that were the ones that saved the company from certain disaster; although why the Eagles rather than the Beagles did the saving is up for conjecture. I mean, after all, dogs have always been man's best friend, haven't they? Eagles are raptors, and would just as soon steal your sheep as look at you. Where were the Beagles? Were they hunting elsewhere, or was there perhaps a more sinister plot to keep dogs out of the story? Or cats for that matter! One mention of Huan the Hound in the Silmarillion, and one offhand remark regarding the cats of Queen Beruthiel in Lord of the Rings -- that's it! It's always the Eagles saving Gandalf here and rescuing Gandalf there, aiding in a battle here, swooping to Mount Doom there. No Fido or Tabby in several thousand pages!

*The narrator is handed another slip of paper*

Narrator: Well, it seems I've been sacked. Damn.

*Cut-scene to one-dimensional cut-outs of Eagles carrying dwarves against a static background set*

Bilbo: [shouting as the eagles fly off] Thank you very much for the ride! I'd always heard that beagles were noble creatures.

Gandalf: Eagles.

Bilbo: Right. Ummm...where are we at present?

Gandalf: We are at the Carrock.

Bilbo: Carrot?

Gandalf: No, Carrock.

Bilbo: And what is a Carrock, exactly?

Gandalf: It is what he calls it.

Bilbo: He who?

Gandalf: He who named the Carrock. It is what he calls such things.

Bilbo: Whom?

Gandalf: Whom?

Bilbo: Yes, whom? The person who named the Carrock.

Gandalf: That's right.

Bilbo: What's right?

Gandalf: He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: Yes, but who is he?

Gandalf: I just told you.

Bilbo: Look, I don't want to get caught up in an Abbott and Costello comedy routine, who is he?

Gandalf: Bilbo, I shan't tell you anything further if you're not going to listen.

Bilbo: [bites his lip] Alright then, let's try this again. This is the Carrock.

Gandalf: Yes.

Bilbo: And he who named the Carrock a Carrock did so because that is what he calls such things.

Gandalf: Precisely!

Bilbo: And what is his name, this person who calls Carrocks a Carrock?

Gandalf: Beorn.

Bilbo: Who is he?

Gandalf: [sighs in exasperation] He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: I probably won't be getting anything further out of you, will I?

Gandalf: Most likely not.

Bilbo: Right then, off we go.

Gandalf: [speaking to the whole company] Ah, but before we go, I must warn you, he is not a man to be trifled with. When we reach his home perhaps it would be better if I introduced you in pairs rather than all at once.

Thorin: But that could take all night.

Gandalf: It is better than having your limbs ripped off and being pummelled about the head and neck with your arm or leg.

Thorin: Yes, yes...I suppose you have a point there. But what sort of a man would do such a thing?

Gandalf: Well, I've heard tell that when he is riled Beorn becomes a giant tree sloth.

Thorin: A tree sloth? They're rather lazy and moss-covered aren't they? Not the type of creatures to be ripping limbs off.

Gandalf: No, you're right. Perhaps it was a large badger....or a menacing aardvark.

Bilbo: Yes, they do get antsy, I suppose.

Bombur: I've 'eard tell the squirrels in these parts are quite nasty. Black as coal and go right after your nuts.

Gandalf: No wait, I have it! He turns into a great bear and roams the land at night.

Bilbo: [nervously] Ummm...perhaps we should just skip going to Beorn's house altogether then.

Gandalf: Oh, stop fidgeting! Beorn is a very kindly man. It's just that sometimes he gets a bit testy. So don't aggravate him.

Bilbo: ...Or else he'll rip my limbs off and pummell me about the head and neck with my arm or leg?

Gandalf: See, you are very bright when you actually listen.

Narrator #3: Hello, Narrator number three here! Yep, Narrator the Third. I am actually quite excited to be narrating this tale for you, as it is my first time doing narrative work. Well, there was that brief bit I did back in school as God in The Ten Commandments. "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" Ha-ha, good times, good times! Hmmm? What? Oh yes, sorry. Tune in next week as Bilbo and company visit Beorn's house. I'm rather looking forward to seeing Bilbo aggravating Beorn and getting his limbs torn off, aren't you?

[Morthoron]

A few of you have inquired about the ongoing parody I was fiddling about with here, and just suddenly stopped a couple months ago. Well, I was so smitten with the idea that I totally revised the concept and decided to do a full-blown novel (chapter-by-chapter, and in some spots page-for-page) parody entitled, not surprisingly, Monty Python's The Hobbit. Why, you ask? Because my AD/HD addled brain requires concentration of this sort; therefore, in addition to serious writing projects, I waste time writing something I will in no way ever receive any type of remuneration for (imagine trying to battle for rights from both the Tolkien Estate and the members of Monty Python!).

As the project required a different venue for chapter-by-chapter presentation, editing capabilities and material review (in addition to allowing some of the bawdy material that would perhaps be inapproprite here), I have plopped the 'ole bloody thing roight 'ere:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4732841/...ons_The_Hobbit

I have employed most of the bits from this thread but fleshed it out from a movie script to novel-form. Stop by and say 'ello.

[Morthoron]

As a follow up to the last follow up, 'Monty Python's The Hobbit' has been completed and is ready for your perusal here...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4732841/...ons_The_Hobbit

Amusingly, a few crazy persons nominated it for a Middle-earth Fanfiction Award (MEFA) -- before it was even completed!

The MEFA Site is here (you are required to log in to enter the site)...

http://www.mefawards.net/MEFA2009/index.php?page=index

If you like it, review it on the MEFA site, as I guess the only way to win a MEFA award is to shamelessly shill for reviews (i.e., votes). Literary excellence is, of course, a secondary consideration with such contests, as it is in the world of literature.