Monty Python's "There and Back Again" - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Morthoron · 05-16-2008, 10:17 PM

Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff.

*Knock Knock*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it?

Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf.

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo?

Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf!

Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome.

Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day!

*Silence*

Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant!

Voice from behind the door: We don't want any!

Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins!

*Muttering and whispers from behind the door*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring.

Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant!

*More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag*

Gandalf: Good morning.

Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no!

Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'.

Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye!

Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him!

Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O!

*A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum*

Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea.

Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is!

Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones.

Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. *begins sobbing*

Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph.

Lobelia: You...you think so?

Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's.

Gandalf: Excuse me...

Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know.

Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him...

Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick.

Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal!

Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye!

*Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices.

Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds

Morthoron · 05-18-2008, 12:11 PM

The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin (In D minor...well...actually it's in C, but D minor is a more melancholy note and more appropriate for the basso and baritone voices of the Dwarves; unfortunately, marches of this sort require the diatonic scale and a major chord for the horns and such...)

Narrator: Ahem...

(Oh yes, sorry...without further ado, The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin, which I patterned off the works of John Phillip Sousa, who is American, I know, but who derived much of his material from English influences....)

Narrator: GET ON WITH IT!

(Yes, certainly...bugger)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

We are the dwarves -- of Thorin's band
Our greedy thoughts now often linger
On the gleam of our gold -- in a far-away land
That slipped right through our stubby fingers
But it weren't our fault -- no, not the least
With Smaug in our vaults -- such a fiery beast
We swallowed our pride and started to run
As he burnt all our kin to kingdom come (repeated by Balin the dwarf in baritone: burnt all our kin to kingdom come)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- off to Erebor
We are fierce and full of chutzpah
We are the dwarves -- we're three times four (Dumplin: plus me!)
And our names come from the Völuspá
We shall not cease --nor raise a flagon
'Till we’re either deceased -- or kill the dragon
Then count up the swag when the job is done
And get so sloshed that our beards go numb (repeated by Bombur the dwarf in basso: get so sloshed that our beards go numb)

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM

We are the dwarves -- all revenge and desire
We may be short but we're not lagging
We are the dwarves -- and we're in the Shire
To find a burglar the name of Baggins
And by Gandalf's request -- we'll take him for hire
To join in our quest -- If the blighter desires
He’ll get his share when the deed is done
Under contract for a percentage sum (repeated by Dumplin the dwarf in falsetto: dear little Bilbo with the nice tight bum)

*Brief pause to regroup*

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage sum...

BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM...

Under contract for a percentage s-u-u-u-u-u-m-m-m-m!

Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)

Morthoron · 05-20-2008, 09:26 AM

In regards to the casting of an epic of such pythonesque proportions, whom do you think would play the roles from the Hobbit? Obviously, the Python crew is getting on in age (with one cast member sadly deceased), but let's suppose they did a Hobbit send-up right after their Holy Grail send-up. In keeping with Python's flare for multiplicity, each fellow would have several roles in the film:

Gandalf -- Graham Chapman most likely (the 'Charlton Heston' of the group); or perhaps John Cleese.

Bilbo -- Michael Palin? He has sort of that wide-eyed innocence.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins -- A small part, but I can think of none other than Terry Jones in drag (like his role as Brian's mother) stealing Bilbo's spoons.

Thorin -- Tough one. Any suggestions?

Elrond -- John Cleese as the world-weary Master of the Last Homely House, bored to tears with all the Elvish frivolity (immortality does have its downside, after all).

The Trolls -- A stuttering, cockney Eric Idle, a mumbling Terry Gilliam and perhaps Terry Jones.

Gollum -- Terry Gilliam. No one in the group can distort his face in such a manner as to look disfigured without make-up.

Beorn -- Again, either Chapman or Cleese.

Thranduil -- An effeminate Graham Chapman bedecked in a laurel wreath of autumn leaves.

Bombur -- Well, Terry Jones played a morbidly obese diner in 'The Meaning of Life'.

The Voice of Smaug -- John Cleese? I am sure Terry Gilliam would do the animation.

Thoughts?

Hstaphath · 05-20-2008, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Narrator: Very nicely done!

(You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?)

Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for.

(Oh...alright then)

Excellent! You have my attention, at least.

Morthoron · 05-20-2008, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hstaphath

Excellent! You have my attention, at least.

*The Dark Elf bows*

Hmmm...it seems I've stirred up the spirit of a previous Monty Python production (the Ghost of Hobbitses' Past, I guess you could say). I am glad to have...ummm...maintained your interest.

By the way, nice website you have:

http://www.xenocorp.net/H_bardCorner/xcbard.htm

Eönwë · 05-20-2008, 03:11 PM

Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.

Morthoron · 05-20-2008, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eönwë

Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time.

Naw, as I stated previously, I don't think doing direct lifts from Python skits is the way to go (particularly since Mr. Hstaphath has done such an admirable job of that in his version of the story). Think 'Pythonesque', not 'Montyfactual'. Consider Python themselves, they did not repeat gags from one movie to the next, but it all had a certain...a special....

[MUSIC]

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Ummm...sorry, digressing. What were we talking about again?

Eönwë · 05-21-2008, 12:04 PM

The thing is Morthoron, there are is always a MOnty Python quote for every occasion.

A short post. No, thats not me!:

Me with dwarvish accent: My record is scratched
The Barrow-Wight: No no, this is a forum!
Me: Ah! My forum is scratched.

(I dare not go on)

05-16-2008, 10:17 PM	#1
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,517	Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff. Knock Knock Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it? Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf. Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo? Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf! Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome. Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day! Silence Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant! Voice from behind the door: We don't want any! Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins! Muttering and whispers from behind the door Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring. Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant! More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag Gandalf: Good morning. Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no! Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'. Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye! Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him! Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O! A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea. Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is! Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones. Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. begins sobbing Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph. Lobelia: You...you think so? Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's. Gandalf: Excuse me... Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know. Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him... Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick. Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal! Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye! Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices. Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 05-25-2008 at 10:28 AM.

05-18-2008, 12:11 PM	#2
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,517	The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin (In D minor...well...actually it's in C, but D minor is a more melancholy note and more appropriate for the basso and baritone voices of the Dwarves; unfortunately, marches of this sort require the diatonic scale and a major chord for the horns and such...) Narrator: Ahem... (Oh yes, sorry...without further ado, The March of the Naugrim of Ered Luin, which I patterned off the works of John Phillip Sousa, who is American, I know, but who derived much of his material from English influences....) Narrator: GET ON WITH IT! (Yes, certainly...bugger) BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM... We are the dwarves -- of Thorin's band Our greedy thoughts now often linger On the gleam of our gold -- in a far-away land That slipped right through our stubby fingers But it weren't our fault -- no, not the least With Smaug in our vaults -- such a fiery beast We swallowed our pride and started to run As he burnt all our kin to kingdom come (repeated by Balin the dwarf in baritone: burnt all our kin to kingdom come) BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM We are the dwarves -- off to Erebor We are fierce and full of chutzpah We are the dwarves -- we're three times four (Dumplin: plus me!) And our names come from the Völuspá We shall not cease --nor raise a flagon 'Till we’re either deceased -- or kill the dragon Then count up the swag when the job is done And get so sloshed that our beards go numb (repeated by Bombur the dwarf in basso: get so sloshed that our beards go numb) BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM, BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM We are the dwarves -- all revenge and desire We may be short but we're not lagging We are the dwarves -- and we're in the Shire To find a burglar the name of Baggins And by Gandalf's request -- we'll take him for hire To join in our quest -- If the blighter desires He’ll get his share when the deed is done Under contract for a percentage sum (repeated by Dumplin the dwarf in falsetto: dear little Bilbo with the nice tight bum) Brief pause to regroup BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM... Under contract for a percentage sum... BUM-BUM-BUM, BA-BA-BA-BUM-BUM-BUM... Under contract for a percentage s-u-u-u-u-u-m-m-m-m! Narrator: Very nicely done! (You don't think the mention of the Völuspá -- an Icelandic Poetic Edda composed by Snorri Sturluson, circa 1220 A.D. -- is too esoteric a reference for our viewing audience?) Narrator: Not at all; in fact, I'm sure no one is even paying attention to the lyrics. It's the flashy special effects and the buckets of blood and gore they'll be looking for. (Oh...alright then) __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 05-20-2008 at 08:10 PM.

05-20-2008, 09:26 AM	#3
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,517	In regards to the casting of an epic of such pythonesque proportions, whom do you think would play the roles from the Hobbit? Obviously, the Python crew is getting on in age (with one cast member sadly deceased), but let's suppose they did a Hobbit send-up right after their Holy Grail send-up. In keeping with Python's flare for multiplicity, each fellow would have several roles in the film: Gandalf -- Graham Chapman most likely (the 'Charlton Heston' of the group); or perhaps John Cleese. Bilbo -- Michael Palin? He has sort of that wide-eyed innocence. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins -- A small part, but I can think of none other than Terry Jones in drag (like his role as Brian's mother) stealing Bilbo's spoons. Thorin -- Tough one. Any suggestions? Elrond -- John Cleese as the world-weary Master of the Last Homely House, bored to tears with all the Elvish frivolity (immortality does have its downside, after all). The Trolls -- A stuttering, cockney Eric Idle, a mumbling Terry Gilliam and perhaps Terry Jones. Gollum -- Terry Gilliam. No one in the group can distort his face in such a manner as to look disfigured without make-up. Beorn -- Again, either Chapman or Cleese. Thranduil -- An effeminate Graham Chapman bedecked in a laurel wreath of autumn leaves. Bombur -- Well, Terry Jones played a morbidly obese diner in 'The Meaning of Life'. The Voice of Smaug -- John Cleese? I am sure Terry Gilliam would do the animation. Thoughts? __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.

05-20-2008, 03:11 PM	#6
Eönwë Flame Imperishable Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Right here Posts: 3,928	Maybe you could do "The Life of Bilbo" when actaully the person who Gandalf asked for was "Milmo, the son of a Took" (or something along those lines) but he had a cold at the time. __________________ Welcome to the Barrow Do-owns Forum / Such a lovely place

05-21-2008, 12:04 PM	#8
Eönwë Flame Imperishable Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Right here Posts: 3,928	The thing is Morthoron, there are is always a MOnty Python quote for every occasion. A short post. No, thats not me!: Me with dwarvish accent: My record is scratched The Barrow-Wight: No no, this is a forum! Me: Ah! My forum is scratched. (I dare not go on) __________________ Welcome to the Barrow Do-owns Forum / Such a lovely place

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