Middle-Earth Football World Cup 2007

[the phantom]

Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague, Mister Thenamir, is a fine journalist, but unfortunately he is allowing his bias to show through in his coverage of this tournament. Either that, or this hobbit conspiracy reaches even farther than I thought, and they have even bought the mod team of The Barrow-Downs! I hope that is not the case. Now, if you were exposed to his words and bought into them, allow me to disillusion you.


First, let’s take care of a point he did not challenge.

Originally Posted by me

hobbits should not be able to produce the necessary amount of kinetic energy to kick the ball with anywhere near the velocity of their opponents

Originally Posted by Thenamir

This may or may not be true

Thenamir does not challenge this statement, admitting that it may in fact be true. By doing this, he has already done irreversible damage to the idea that hobbits can compete in this tournament. Think of it this way. No matter how accurate/speedy/athletic a tennis player may be, he will not be able to hang with the best in the world if he is unable to swing his arm hard enough to generate an amount of pace and/or spin that is close to that of his opponent. You won’t win Wimbledon serving 70 mph and hitting 30 mph ground strokes, no matter what sort of other incredible traits you may possess.

So really, I could just leave you with that bit of irrefutable logic and not bother to address the rest of Sir Thenamir’s statement- but I’ll do it anyway, just because I’m a loudmouth.

the art of disappearing swiftly and silently

…plays no part in football. There is not a varied landscape to hide in. There are not trees to clamber up. No plants, weeds, or tall grass to seek shelter in. In addition, you must wear a jersey of a particular color- camouflage is not allowed. On the football field, to spot a hobbit one must simply look.

Next, please.

they were keen-eyed and sure at the mark

As I pointed out earlier, accuracy alone cannot carry you. In a fight, it doesn’t matter one little bit that all your punches are perfectly accurate if they aren’t hard enough to do damage, or quick enough to keep your opponent from dodging them at will. In football, the accurate passes of the hobbits will not go far enough to stretch the field, or arrive quick enough to avoid interception. And if the hobbits are lucky enough to work the ball down into the offensive zone, any shot attempt will have to be taken from point blank, because longer shots won’t get to goal with enough pace to challenge a goalie. And how easy is it to gain a point blank shot when passing ability is limited? And head shots should be near impossible, seeing as opponents do not have to challenge with their own heads, but rather with bodies and feet given their size advantage.

And to address Bilbo’s leap, that was one single extraordinary jump by an amazing hobbit. The same with Beren’s leap in the 1st age. Just because Beren can leap onto a galloping horse one time does not mean that we can expect that from him again and again on a regular basis, much less expect it from every human being on the earth. Bilbo’s legendary leap is not the norm.

That's all for now, folks. I will give my take on today's games in about eight hours.