ME jokes and funny stories

[The 1,000 Reader]

"And so the last High King of the Noldor and the father of Isildur wrestled with Sauron on the plains of Gorgoroth. Long was the battle and many a crowd did it gather, for a fee of sixty dollars. And the kings tried a double closeline, yet the Dark Lord grabbed their necks, walked about the entire ring yelling to the audience, and then finally choke-slammed them into the ground. But lo! The kings swung their legs up high, and both impacted on the back of Sauron's skull, sending him reeling forward and loosening his grip. The duo rolled out of the falling weight's path, stood up, and then kicked Sauron like sissies. When his head ceased to throb, the Dark Lord thrust his elbows into the soles of their feet, and they gave a shout and fell.

When ground met the kings Sauron rose above them, and Elendil was wounded by a kick to his ribs. Gil-Galad attempted to regain his footing, but he was given a fist in his face and returned to the ashen soil. Up was the Noldor leader raised by the hand of Sauron, and twice was he brought back down by the other hand of the Ringlord. Vision fading, Gil-Galad was dragged to his feet, prepared to let the darkness of his mind carry him away from the next blow. Yet when his hope had teetered on the edge, the Dark Lord's arm was caught, and when he turned to look it was he who was hit in the face. And as the Dark One staggered backwards, Gil-Galad caught himself in his fall and brought himself up with foe in hand, and over his shoulder did Sauron get thrown.

Seeing an opportunity, ruler of both Elf and Man took each a leg of the shadow and brought it harshly on a land just as harsh. With no hesitation, Elendil and Gil-Galad pounced upon Mordor's master, and let their fists abuse the fearsome face of Sauron. On they went until a hand was driven into their each of their guts, and the winded warriors were taken by the servant of Bauglir. Their heads met the other with force, and when the skulls had halted upon the other a third cranium, that of the Dark Lord's, crashed into theirs. Again tumbled Elendil and Gil-Galad, and the feet of the Dark Lord danced over them. With his hate of the elves resolving his mind, Sauron lifted his foot over the High King Gil-Galad, son of Fingon. But when the foot came down up went Gil-Galad's hands, and with great strength and a powerful jerk the Dark Lord crumbled and painfully impacted onto the ruined fields of his realm. Gil-Galad returned the stomps given to him, yet suddenly halted. Panic took hold of Sauron, and in his rush to return to his feet did he meet Gil-Galad's trap.

When Sauron had regained his full height the lord of the elves leapt forward, and he thrust his foot towards the skies and aimed at the face of the Abhorred. O such sweet Chin Music rang that day, to be repeated in all the ages to follow! Sauron fell off his feet on contact. However, long had it been since Gil-Galad could find rest or water, and so as the Dark Lord was sent down did the heat exhaustion of Gil-Galad prove too much, and there he died on that day when the flailing hand of Sauron brushed against him. The defiant descendent of Fingon caught with his eyes his ally in battle gaining a second wind. He would never see again.

A rage filled Elendil, hatred for the one who assisted in the tainting of his homeland and the one who caused his elvish friend to die. He took his helm in hand from his head, and akin to a wild beast did Elendil dash forward and trample Sauron's body in his approach to the fallen Elf-Lord. He stood over the fallen body, and the sight of it maddened him even more. To the skies did his helmet fly, accompanied by a terrible yell. His momentum still with him, Elendil turned on his feet and ran to the fallen Maia. The side of Sauron he reached before driving all of his power and movement upwards with his arm. With a last, furious gaze did Elendil cast himself towards Sauron.

Long preserved in song was that moment. The beastly king rushed to his fallen foe, and with the power of his arm thrown down ahead of him did Elendil take vengence. The (Free) People's Elbow crushed the throat and all the rest of Sauron's neck, and the second shadow over Middle-Earth had taken a mortal blow. Still do elves weep over the other result of the assault. Poor King Elendil was an old man, even for one of Numenorian blood, and his heart no longer strived for his life, and so perished Elendil, founder of Arnor.

There was no man standing who could take victory now, thus it seemed that the royalty of the Last Alliance had broken itself in vain, and the influence of Sauron would continue to exist. Just when hope seemed lost, a shout tore through the valley, and from a freshly-slaughtered horde of orcs did Elendil's only living son Isildur rush to the personal battlefield. Through the audience he came, and down the ramp leading to the grounds he went and he dropped over the body of the Dark Lord. One count he remained over Sauron and then for a second he lay there. And when the worst expectations of man and elf were thought to come, the third count had arrived. With shock that the Dark Lord did not rise at the last moment, all were stunned until a single voice rose up in cheer. So followed all the voices of man and elf, drowning out the horrified ones of the orcs and trolls.

And so passed the Second Age's greatest conflict."

[Thenamir]

[FADE UP]

[INTERIOR, CAVE/MINE LAUNDRY AREA. A DWARF is taking dirty clothes from a basket and placing them into a large open washtub. He is approached by a SECOND DWARF who observes the FIRST DWARF in action.]

FIRST DWARF: [grumbles loudly]

SECOND DWARF: Hi, Gloom, son of Glum. What'cha grumblin' about? Not that you need an excuse...

FIRST DWARF: Oh, it's you, Gleam son of Beam. [sighs] It's just these mine-working clothes. Ever since I started digging for the mithril I just can't seem to get the grey out. My whites look like they've been washed in a pipeweed ashcan.

SECOND DWARF: [looking over FIRST DWARF's shoulder] That's because you're using that homemade soap alone.

FIRST DWARF: But I've always used it! How do you get your grimy work clothes so clean after a day in the mines?

SECOND DWARF: You need the awesome whitening power of [Holds up bottle of] BALROX BLEACH!

FIRST DWARF: [quizzically] Balrox?

SECOND DWARF: [taking the cork from the bottle and pouring the contents liberally into the washtub] Sure!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as FIRST DWARF begins scrubbing his clothes on a washboard in the washtub] Balrox Bleach is made from pure lake-water from the uttermost foundations of stone combined with only the finest demons of the ancient world! Guaranteed to leech every bit of dirt (and color) from your clothes, leaving them their whitest!

FIRST DWARF: [holding up a gleaming white tunic] That's amazing!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as THE TWO DWARVES admire the newly cleaned tunic] And Balrox is safe for sensitive hands, without leaving that disgusting "White-Hand" residue.

FIRST DWARF: [grinning, looking at his hands] And it leaves my hands soft and silky-smooth!

SECOND DWARF: Wow! Those look just like my wife's hands!

FIRST DWARF: [serious tone] I am your wife.

[A beat passes, then they both begin laughing]

ANNOUNCER: [voice over, close up picture of BALROX BLEACH bottle] Take it from Gandalf, Balrox whitens clothes clean. [DISCLAIMER, spoken very quickly] Balrox is a corrosive and should not be used for cleaning chainmail or leather products. Do not expose to sparks or open flames. Another fine product from Mogul Enterprises.]

[FADE OUT]

[The 1,000 Reader]

(Sam charges at the gates of Cirith Ungol and knocks himself out)

*Five seconds pass*

Orc:...anybody hear something?

Shagrat: It sounded like somebody charged at the gate. Let's check it out.

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I always wondered why the orcs, who had just passed through the gate, didn't hear Sam smack right into it and knock himself out at the end of Two Towers.

[Finduilas]

At the counsil of Elrond, when Legolas is telling about how they treated Gollum, taking him for walks etc. Gloin starts up and says, "You didn't treat us that well."
Legolas replied with, " Well, we had some hope for him."

[The 1,000 Reader]

I just remembered how I actually wanted Gil-Galad to die in the story on page three. Here it is.

"And the Dark Lord rose in fear of a mighty blow, only to meet one directly in the stomach. Hunched over in pain Sauron was, and in that moment Gil-Galad took hold of his head, turned around, and let his weight fall, causing the Dark Lord to crash down on the Elf-King's shoulder. With a massive force, Sauron lurched backwards from his blow, landing on his back. Gil-Galad righted himself and let out an enthusiastic shout. In his frenzy, the Elf-King took up two fallen bottles, ran them through a nearby stream, and then poured them on himself in his celebration. But lo, the stream was one of lava from Mount Doom, and so Gil-Galad fell by his own hand that day, for High Elf or not, lava was lava."

I didn't put much effort in it, since I just wanted to put this out instead of edit it into the story. Anyway, Gil-Galad basically kicked Sauron and did the Stone Cold Stunner. Then he yelled in victory (something appropriate, not Stone Cold's "Oh **** yeah!"), and poured lava on himself like Stone Cold poured beer on himself. But it was lava, so he killed himself.

[Brinniel]

Ooh...a place for me to post my Boromir the Photographer story. It's something I made up years ago, back when I was watching FotR with a friend. I think I told the story to a few Downers, but only to those who asked to hear it by PM. So, finally I will let everyone hear it and post it here.

Btw, I wrote this back in 2003 (when I was only...15), so don't expect anything particularly amazing...

Enjoy!

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Boromir was not a professional photographer. It was a special hobby of his, kind of like how Legolas's hobby is brushing his hair. He first took his camera (which was specially made for him in Gondor) on his journey to Rivendell. In fact, the only reason Boromir managed to survive the extremely long Council of Elrond was by using the camera to captivate the serious and thoughtful faces of the others at the council. And the only reason Boromir agreed to join the fellowship was because they needed a photographer (at least that’s what they said).

Boromir took rolls of scenic photos throughout the journey, and even managed to take some during the battle in Moria. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when the fellowship reached Khazad-dum. While fleeing from the balrog, Boromir found himself trying to keep balance at the edge of a stairway, losing his camera in the process. He tried to grab it, nearly falling into the abyss himself, but luckily Legolas grabbed him just in time and saved him. All was not well with Boromir.
"My camera!" he wailed. "My beautiful camera...is gone." He reached out for his lost item.
"Forget about it!" shouted Legolas. "You must save yourself, first. Your life is more important than some camera."
Boromir had no time to argue, for the balrog was coming nearer and once again, it was time for the fellowship to run. So, across the bridge they went, with Aragorn and Legolas practically dragging the sobbing Boromir.

Meanwhile, Gandalf fought the balrog. As the balrog, fell into abyss, Gandalf cried out to Boromir, "Do not worry, Boromir! I will retrieve your camera." And then he jumped.

Gandalf's sacrifice for his camera cheered up Boromir slightly, but still, all was not well. Now the hobbits were blaming Boromir for Gandalf's tragic death. Nevertheless, the fellowship continued their way to Lothlorien, with Aragorn in the lead.

And now we will skip to the gift giving scene, since nothing interesting happens in Lorien (well, nothing about Boromir, at least).

Boromir was the last to receive his gift, but he waited patiently, hoping that Galadriel had something better for him than three strands of her hair. And then it was his turn.
"I know you have suffered a terrible loss, Boromir," Galadriel said. "Your camera, given to you by your father, has fallen into shadow. I know I cannot make up for such a loss, but I will try. And so, to you I give another camera, made by the elves of the Golden Wood. And along with that, I give you five rolls of Elven film."
"Elven film?" Boromir questioned.
"Yes," Galadriel nodded. "It is in color."
Boromir beamed with happiness and no other member of the fellowship was as satisfied with their gift as him; not even Gimli.
"Hmph," Gimli muttered to himself. "Why did I ask for three stupid strands of hair? I could've gotten a brand new axe."

Unfortunately, all ended that fateful day when Boromir suspected Frodo of taking one of his rolls of film.
"It should be mine!" he shouted, chasing after the hobbit. "Give it to me!"
And then the very frightened Frodo put on the Ring and disappeared.
Boromir, realizing the missing roll of film was in his pocket the entire time, cried out, “Frodo! Frodo! Frodo, I’m sorry.”

Not long after, the Uruk Hai came and Boromir was fatally wounded in battle. Aragorn rushed to his side, but Boromir already knew it was too late; his dream of becoming a professional photographer was shattered. And so, he made his decision.
"I pass my duty as photographer to you," he uttered as he gave the camera to Aragorn. "Use the camera, wisely. Do not waste film." And then he died.

Aragorn took the camera and did as Boromir told him. When Gandalf the White arrived he took the film shot in Moria to develop, but Boromir's first camera was wrecked beyond repair (the Elven camera was better, anyway). To this day, Aragorn still uses the camera and was even the photographer for his own wedding (to Arwen’s annoyance). He has become a professional photographer along with becoming king.

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[Lord Halsar]

During the time of the Music of the Ainur, Melkor created the second melody. in truth, he had borrowed it from the band we know as "Korn" when he was watching Eru look at the future Arda.
When Melkor finally played it, Eru said "Hey! you stole that from Korn! ". Then, Yavana strode over to Melkor and slapped him across the face.
"What was that for?!" he cried.
"For taking my idea. And i would have gotten away with it too. if it werent for you meddlesome Vala and your stupid werewolves!"

Kinda Korny... that was too.
Sorry.