Friends of Nimrodel: Tapestry of Dreams - Discussion

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by lmp

Nicely done, Immy.

Aye, T'was!

Originally Posted by Formendacil

due to a silent retreat.

Trying to make me jealous, eh??? It'll never work. Never I say.

[littlemanpoet]

Formy: Hmmmm...... Hmmmmm.......!

That was deftly handled post. Yet somehow it sits not entirely right with me. I'm not sure why, yet, and may not become sure.

I like that Elessar shows concern for Mellondu himself, and that the Elves are surprised by this.

One remonstration I might make is that Elessar has no words for Mellondu's father. That simply should not be.

Maybe Elessar leaves his throne too soon.... ? ......

I think a part of my illness at ease is related to diction. I'm not saying "this is what you should do instead", but rather "....what I would have done in your place":

Instead of

"There is no friendship any more,"

I would write

"There is friendship no longer,"

I think Arwen's first words are a bit abrupt, actually. Besides, she would know through her osanwe whether he can or cannot see such a thing. Perhaps I remonstrate with this because you are having Tolkien's characters concern themselves with perspective rather than truth. Though related, perspective is a modern thing, and Arwen, it seems to me, would have spoken about what really was in place of how Mellondu saw it. Which begs the question, what really WAS?

I also don't think Elessar would have confessed not knowing the event initimately enough to render judgement. He and Arwen in fact seem to know enough of how Amroth is inside Mellondu to be able to attempt to persuade him of a better way to deal with it. That would suggest that they also know enough to render some manner of judgement, not for juridical purposes maybe, but to name a thing for what it is.

I also don't think that Elessar would give up and call the thing finished, but leave him with a final bit of wisdom that Mellondu can't get out of his head. Which you do with the interesting comment regarding Manwe and Morgoth.

Please do understand that I think you have made a very, very good effort at a very difficult post to write at a top notch level; I hope I'm helping you get it there.

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by littlemanpoet

Formy: That was deftly handled post.

Aye! T'was!

I like that Elessar shows concern for Mellondu himself, and that the Elves are surprised by this.

Agreed.

One remonstration I might make is that Elessar has no words for Mellondu's father. That simply should not be.

Agreed; in fact he would greet Father first; Mellondu is practically a minor. Elessar would verify (1) that Father was freely releasing his son and (2) that Father approved of Erebemlin's taking the boy. But before all that, Elessar would first honor Father's age and service.

Maybe Elessar leaves his throne too soon.... ? ......

Inserting the conversation with Mellondu's Father would alleviate most of that, I think.


Ah, and now lmp wields his axe:

Instead of
Quote:
"There is no friendship any more,"

I would write
Quote:
"There is friendship no longer,"

Hah! While I would write "There is friendship no more." Shorter still! (Poor Formie, caught between a lmpRock and a markHardPlace.)

I think Arwen's first words are a bit abrupt, actually.

This might be allayed if Elessar has a conversation with Father, first.

Besides, she would know through her osanwe whether he can or cannot see such a thing.

Maybe-- but maybe not; remember Mellondu's mind is snapped as hard-shut (against Amroth!!) as he can get it. Erebemlin is mostly shut out; I think Arwen would be, too. And that would make this whole scene taste a little different.

Please do understand that I think you have made a very, very good effort at a very difficult post to write at a top notch level; I hope I'm helping you get it there.

Oh, aye. Take the tips, Formendacil-- lmp's a good coach. I should know.

"So many strange things have chanced that to learn the praise of a fair lady under the loving strokes of a dwarf's axe will seem no great wonder."

Not that I'm calling lmp a dwarf, mind. But he does wield a mean axe.

[Feanor of the Peredhil]

Originally Posted by mark12_30

Not that I'm calling lmp a dwarf, mind. But he does wield a mean axe.

And he's little.

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by Feanor of the Peredhil

And he's little.

WOOT!

[Formendacil]

No, no... I very much appreciate the comments. At the time, I wasn't even sure of the post... LMP's comments are very much appreciated- at least in regards to this post, though I would incline to take Mark's "There is friendship no more" as being the nicer-sounding.

I didn't even know when I posted that the post had gone through, since the computer seized up... so I was pleasantly surprised to see my name at the bottom of the thread, and a slew of helpful comments waiting here, rather than the tedious rewriting/copying I feared I would have to do.

EDIT: I've revised the post, with the suggestions given, as well as a couple of slight changes of my own... As always, comments appreciated.

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by Formendacil

I've revised the post, with the suggestions given, as well as a couple of slight changes of my own... As always, comments appreciated.

Here's a comment....

Originally Posted by mark

Wow.