Tol-in-Gaurhoth XXIII: Journey to Hy Brazil

[The Saucepan Man]

Ahoy, me hearties!

Never fear, for Rear-Admiral Horatio Potboiler, naval commander etxraordinaire (retired) is here, what ho? What this ship needs is a cove with solid maritime experience to steer us home afore sunset. And you need look no further than this humble servant of the seaways. I'll have this vessel ship-shape and Bristol fashion in short order and we'll be back on dry land afore ye can shiver a timber. There'll be no more Werewolf attacks while I'm in charge.

*HONK! Dishonourable discharge! Dishonourable discharge! HONK!*

Ah now, don't ye mind Goosey Gander thar on me shoulder. He waddled into a court martial once and picked up a few lines that he's been a'repeating ever since.

*HONK! Drunk in charge of the flagship! Dishonourable discharge! HONK!

See what I mean. Utter nonsense! It's common knoweldge that I retired with full naval honours. Dishonourable discharge indeed!

*HONK! Lost at sea! Lost at sea! HONK!*

Complete gibberish. Never been lost at sea in me life. And I don't intend to start now. Just place yourselves under my command and I'll have you all back to port in time for tea. Cow pasties all round at Mrs Miggins Pie-shop and a measure of rum for all who pitch in.

*HONK! Mutiny! Mutiny! Sir Horatio cast adrift in the dinghy! Crew and vessel unaccounted for! Dishonourable discharge! HONK!*

Hehe! I really don't know where he gets this stuff from. Pure fantasy! Now, muster yer slaves, Mr Of the Rohirrim. There's mainsails to be hoisted and rigging to be climbed. Come, Mister Gurthang, Mister Mormegil and young Master Glirdan. We have work to do. Sir Anguirel, you take charge of the oriental ninja-types, the shady cove and the stowaway. Lock them in the brig, for I don't trust them one jot. And ladies, stow yerselves below decks. This be man's work.

*HONK! He's a Wolf! He's a Wolf! HO...[choke]!*

Desist, Mr Gander! You go too far. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now, get to work, me hearties. If you need me, I'll be in the Captain's Cabin studying the charts.

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by Kath

That slave driver's been driving me nuts.

I've an idea! Let's kill him off now, Rune will back me up, if he quits playing with that cheese of his.

What's that? Mutinous talk? I'll not hear of it. Not aboard my ship. Now get to work, the two of you and we'll hear no more of yer mutterings.

*[choke]*

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by Firefoot

M'dear dog Ralph (a perfectly canonical name, I assure you!) here seems to think that we should lynch all the pirates... pirating is a right wolvish thing to do, now, maybe they are wolves. Hm.

Pirates you say? I'll not tolerate the scurvy knaves. Mister Gurthang. Ready yer plank. We have pirates to attend to.

*HONK! Lynch Sir Horatio! HO ... [choke]*

[Durelin]

*re-appears*

Mmmm...goose. *licks lips*

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Originally Posted by kath

That slave driver's been driving me nuts.
I've an idea! Let's kill him off now, Rune will back me up, if he quits playing with that cheese of his.

I am not playing with my cheese! It is not some kind of a toy, you know. This tiny piece of Feta is the only cheese I got left, it is precious to me.

Kill him? maybe we should! Nasty slave driver never gives us. . . I mean me any cheese.

Originally Posted by Admiral Seasick

What's that? Mutinous talk? I'll not hear of it. Not aboard my ship. Now get to work, the two of you and we'll hear no more of yer mutterings.

Muttering, guttering, buttering, fluttering, O! tra-la-la-lally

[Glirdan]

Well, it's gone because... Glirdan drank it all! I say we send him off the plank next for drinking all the rum. (Gurth)

What!? The rum is hic all gone hic!?!? This is terrible!! HICC!!!

Gurthang is cracking me up. Do wolves crack people up? (Lal)

Good hic question hic! Keep an eye hic on hic him for me hic, will you? I must hic leave hic. I'm still not hic better...

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by one of the slaves

Muttering, guttering, buttering, fluttering, O! tra-la-la-lally

Such insolence!

Slight delay on the making head or tail of the charts front, chaps and chappesses. So it looks like we might have to spend one more night at sea. In which case, one of our number must walk the plank before sundown. Candidates galore, as far as I can see.

Durelin -- Shifty ninja-type. Can't understand a word she says. Lynch her, I say!
Caranlondien -- No bar aboard. No point in keeping her.
Holbytlass -- A whale hunter, you say? That's no job for a lady. Take a lie down in the women's quarters and let the men do the sailing, m'dear.
Findëasëa -- No room for occupational health and safety aboard a ship of Her Majesty's Navy. Take a stroll round the deck to clear your pretty little head of such flights of fancy.
Lhunardawen -- Can't understand why the sea-life doesn't agree with her. Look after her will you please, ladies?
Kath -- Back to work, yer scurvy knave and no more mutinous talk from you.
JennyHallu -- A pirate, ergo she must walk the plank forthwith.
Lalaith -- Ah, the Beautiful Game is indeed not best apprecited by the fairer gender. Best join Holbytlass below decks, me girl.
Diamond18 -- Another pirate! Zounds, avast with her.
Firefoot -- I trust anyone with such an eminently sensible dog. Care to swap him for Goosey gander?

*HONK! Lynch the dog! Lynch the dog!* HONK!

Gurthang -- Plank Operator. Useful chappie.
Formendacil -- Can't say I approve of stowaways. But he's blue-blooded, so can't be all bad.
Nilpaurion Felagund -- Another ninja chappie. What with all these ninjas and priates, no wonder we find ourselves in such dire straits. Hang him high.
Rune Son of Bjarne -- Don't like his insolence. But he may shape up. Back to work, wretch, and I'll consider sparing ye the cat o' nine tails.
Mormegil -- Solid fellow. Best keep him around for now.
Taliesin -- A thief and a scoundrel. Cast him adrift. He knows the score.
Saucepan Man -- An admirable fellow.
Sir Anguirel Spens (Anguirel) -- A scholar and a gentleman, and honoured by Her Majesty to boot. I'm rather taken with his shanty.
Eomer of the Rohirrim -- Needs to keep his slaves under better control. Provided he does, we will do well to keep him.
Glirdan -- Poor fellow needs to sober up. No good to man nor beast in his state. It doesn't do to be drunk on deck.

*HONK! You should know! HONK!*

Friedrich Engels (the guy who be short) -- Misguided politically, poor fellow, but may prove useful.

So I say we lynch:

JennyHallu
Diamond18
Taliesin
Durelin
Nilpaurion Felagund

What? Only four Wolves, you say? Ah well, let's start at the top and see how things work out. If the pirates and the thief turn out innocent, it'll be no loss anyway.

[Diamond18]

Originally Posted by The Saucepan Man

And ladies, stow yerselves below decks. This be man's work.

Ha! Ha ha! Obviously you have never heard of the Dread Pirate Roberta... which is odd, since she is known of and dreaded far and wide. Some seaman you are, arr. At any rate, DPR and DPR Jr. (that's me) could take you in a swordfight, a battle of strength, and quite easily in a battle of wits, I assure you. Avast! You'll need us in a battle against werewolves, I'll warrant.

*wanders away grumbling about daft old English gentry*

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by D18

Obviously you have never heard of the Dread Pirate Roberta...

I was addressing the ladies. And a pirate is no lady in my books, Audrification notwithstanding.

An amendment:

Diamond18
JennyHallu
Taliesin
Durelin
Nilpaurion Felagund

Now off to the plank with you and let's see how you like dancing with the sharks. Fine swordplay and sharp wits will not avail ye in Davy Jones' Locker.

[Diamond18]

Originally Posted by The Saucepan Man

I was addressing the ladies. And a pirate is no lady in my books, Audrification notwithstanding.

Oh, well that's okay then.

Though I do not trust you, old fool. Anyone who advocates keeping the Rohirric One around is bound to be up to no good, no good at all. That, coupled with the insane ranting and blatant attempts to seize control of the ship, makes ye look highly suspect in my book. Aye. I mean, really, making lynch lists? So who died and made you the Good Wizard, eh?

[Caranlondien]

No bar aboard! And Glirdan's gone and drunk all the rum... What's a bartender to do? Lucky I've brought my own supply of spirits. So I'll be in the galley, serving drinks. I've an open ear, so feel free to confide any wolvish woes in me... I won't tell anyone, I swear! Well, it was worth a try.

Oh, and I say we lynch Sir Potboiler's parrot, but not Sir Potboiler himself, as I suspect he'll be a regular customer.

[mormegil]

Not enough sense on this ship to do much of anything if you ask me. Really we are wasting our time here, aren't we. Perhaps we should just lock everybody away in separate quarters and let me have control of this ship as I don't trust a one of you to get the job done, what with SpM's horrible talking goose. Whoever heard of such a beast. Maybe in Narnia but not here. I can only see good in eating that goose before I revert to savage cannibalism.

If Glirdan could utter a single intelligible sentence I might want to keep him around but I've got no use for a drunk on ship now.

Formendacil's pain and agony should be dragged out, death would be an easy escape for one his type. Thinks he's so high and mighty and yet stows away without paying proper passage. I say we demand he pay or we hang him too.

And Diamond fancies herself the Dread Pirate Roberta, well I'm sorry dear but that just doesn't sound dreadful to me. It sounds more campy and fun, but I'll take you seriously for a moment *snickering* well if you are the true dread pirate roberta those WW better be careful because their up against...*hysterically laughing* Oh I just can't do it. I can't possible take a pirate who calls herself Roberta seriously.

I'm not certain what Rune and Kath did to earn slavery but I'm sure they deserve it. In the event that we don't have a good suspect, they might make a good scapegoat and we could lynch them.

But

++Glirdan

I can't understand what that lad says and that is enough for me.

[Gurthang]

Originally Posted by Caranlondien

I won't tell anyone, I swear!

*gasp* Rulebreaker! Swearing has been forbidden (by Cailín)!

I see that we do have a few pirates around. And it's my job to make sure that these pirates get what they deserve: a short drop and a sudden stop.* But, seeing as we're at sea, our lovely plank will do well to replace our gallows.

Oh, Durelin, are you sure you're not using Shoten no Jutsu.

So, since lists are always so popular, I think I'll make one. And this is strictly for Day 1 usage. In no particular order:

Glirdan (For drinking all the rum.)
Caran (For breaking the No Swearing bi-law.)
Durelin (For using unnatural martial arts.)
JennyHallu (For being a pirate.)

Diamond almost made the list, but she's not a real pirate. And only real pirates automatically make the list. For now anyway.


*Sorry, but just watched Pirates of the Caribbean again the other day. And being on a ship has quotes coming out of my ears.

[Caranlondien]

Swearing has been forbidden

Whoops!

Disclaimer: In case anyone thought I was being serious, I will not refrain from passing on any werewolf-related information you choose to disclose to me. In fact, if, while drinking an excess of mead, you confide in me that you are a werewolf, I will scream "Wolf!" and help the rest of the passengers push you off the plank. Of course, I'll do all that after I've made sure you've paid your tab.

Darn law-suits, all those werewolves claiming breaches of patron-bartender confidentiality

Also, apparently I missed that Rear-Admiral Sir Whats-his-face's avian companion is not a parrot, but rather a goose. Which explains the honks. So I hereby amend my previous suggestion to be that we lynch the goose.

[Anguirel]

(returns Sir Horato Potboiler's friendly greeting with a cold stare)

SIR HORATIO: A scholar and a gentleman, and honoured by Her Majesty to boot. I'm rather taken with his shanty.

(Sir Anguirel draws his claymore)

SIR ANGUIREL: I am nary honoured one whit by yon English Queen, do ye here me, aye? I was dubbed a kneght by none aither than Alexander the Thaird, King of Scots, and serve Scotland and the True Kirk, and ye'll do best to remember it, aye. And that goes for yerrer footba team as well, Sassenach...

Excuse me, I tend to break into my native accent (or song) at moments of high emotion. Do forgive me.

I don't agree with Formendacil in the slightest and I feel shades of Nilp in a ballad told some time ago of murderous ducks.

Incidentally...(stares curiously at Sir Horatio's goose, and crosses himself solemnly)

As for yon pirate scum, I am with the Englishman on that account. Put them to the sword, I say. Yet we should remember that werewolf spirits do not necessarily lurk beneath scoundrel exteriors. Anyone-even sweet wee Lhuna-could house a tortured, fell spirit. I say we hang the wolves and then deal with any remaining pirates. All the more combat, and I relish it, yearghhh...

And the fine upstanding slave-driver, he and I got acquainted over whisky. I'll not hang a fellow resident of Alba...

[Lhunardawen]

*leans over the ship's railings and baaaaarfs*

Sweet indeed, Sir Anguirel. Would you rather not say sour? All this *barfs* is getting to me. But to business...

Firefoot and Gurthang are the Lovers. This open, mutual understanding of 1 Corinthians 13 is their way of hiding out in the open. Firefoot's the wolf, and she will be the bane of us all unless she is lynched.

Her fellow wolves are Fin, Taliesin, and Friedrich Engels. But no one will care toDay, because what everyone wants is to get that kilt-wearing slavedriver lynched. Like this:

++EOMER OF THE ROHIRRIM

After mourning his innocence, the passengers will commence with lynching the pirates one by one because ninjas are cooler than pirates!

*tries to run away from Roberta and her protégé but stumbles on her non-sea legs and is caught by...*