Middle Earth Tech Support

[Morai]

TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name?

So that's how it happened!
Here's my somewhat lame contribution:
*Sauron 'picks up phone reciever' and dials Elven Contact Lenses Tech Support*
TS: Hello, If you'd like a refund or replacement for your product: press 1. If you'd like an autograph from our official spokesperson/ contact lense model (Legolas):Press 2. If you need counseling from one of our professional therapists: Press 3. To enter to win a free trip to the Grey Havens, press 4 now.
*Sauron presses 1*
TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya
*Sauron Presses 1, thinking to himself 'What about Black Speech? Have I not conquered the property of this company already?'
TS: Transfering Call
*Pleasant Elven Voices sing elevator music*
TS: You have a problem with our product?
Sauron: Yes, my contact lense melted. It says on the label that it will magically cool off any burning sensations or dry eye.
TS: Do you have burning sensations or burning flames coming from your eye?
Sauron: Well...I guess my eye is on fire,
TS: We're sorry, but our contact lenses are designed for burning sensations only. Please Hang up now.
*Sauron slams the reciever down as it catches on fire, and the voice on the other line screams in terror*

Edit: Apologies for my misguided errors before, I don't have copies of the books, so sometimes I forget these things.

[Celebuial]

TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya, Press 4 for Dwarvish,

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Celebuial

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

No more than Sindarin. Or less, perhaps. Quenya was an elven language, not an Ainur-ian one. And as the tongue of the Noldor, i doubt he would have appreciated it...

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

It should be replaced with Black Speech, the real lingua franca of middle-earth. Spoken from Gundabad to Harad, from Moria to Rhun. Knowledge of Black Speech is a must for any fast-rising minion of Mordor.

[Esgallhugwen]

"Sword fixers tech support, If you have dented or warped your sword press one, if you have "lost" or "misplaced" your sword press two, if your sword was broken long ago press three, if you like the sound of my voice press four, if you want to hear the options again press five, if you don't have a sword and wish to buy one for a ridiculous amount of money press six, if your sword has a talking entity in it press seven, if you have forgotten why you called press six and we'll refresh your memory"

Aragorn presses three

"You have pressed three: if your sword was broken long ago. Would you like to here the option again? press six for yes and three for no."

Aragorn presses three again.

"You have pressed three confirming that you want your broken sword fixed, why bother it's best to buy a new one, so press six, if you insist on getting help to fix your sword press four"

Aragorn grumbles and pushes four

"you have pushed four which means you like the sound of my voice....."

Aragorn screams and hangs up the phone.

[Morai]

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

Good point:
*Gilmi dials Middle Earth Axe Company Tech Support*
TS: For instructions on how to use your axe Press 1. If you need a replacement axe Press2. For service on reparing your axe Press 3.
*Gimli Presses 3*
TS: For common tounge, press 1. For Sindarin: Press2, Quenya: Press3. Black Speech Press:4. Dwarvish: Press 5
*Gimli hesitates and presses 5*
TS: To confirm your dwarvish idenity, please repeat the following phrase in Dwarvish: "I like pink boxers."
Gimli: Phony imposters! *Hangs up phone and fixes the axe himself*

The question I have is...would the 'folks' of Middle Earth preferred to use other means to contact tech support?

[Esgallhugwen]

I suppose the Elves could use Osanwe Kenta (mind communication of the elves), boy wouldn't that be funny especially if some other Elf was listening in.

[Maeggaladiel]

Tech Support: Hello!

Isildur: H-Hello? Hello! Hey, I need some he--

Tech Support (recording): Welcome to the StabCo Weapons Hotline! Your call is important to us, so please choose from one of the following options! Thank you!

Isildur: I don't have time for this!

TS: For StabCo product information, press one. For StabCo employee special events, press two. For StabCo product concerns or malfunctions, press three. To speak with an actual live person--

*Isildur raises finger to push button*

TS: --call somewhere else.

*Isildur puts finger down. Isildur presses three.*

TS: Thank you for pressing three. You have indicated that your StabCo product may be malfunctioning. We at StabCo value the opinions of our customers, but regret to inform you that whatever the problem is, it was obviously caused by the user and is in no way connected to the faulty manufacturing process and therefore is not covered by warrantee. StabCo would also like to assure customers that our products are NOT made in Mordor sweat shops and that our employees are very happy and well paid. Anyone who argues with this fact shall be terminated. Thank you and have a nice day! And remember, at StabCo, our motto is "THE POINTY END GOES INTO THE OTHER GUY!"

Sauron: Hey, buddy, you wanna pick up the pace? I'm not going to stand here forever!

Isildur: *looks down at broken sword bits* Aw, MAN!